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My Beloved Is Not With Me Anymore


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I lost my husband september 24th 2012. I miss him so much. His illness was fast.From the time he was diagnosed till his death was 49 days.My heart is broken and I don't know if I will ever be better again.He had lung cancer, but by the time they found it it had spread to his bones,brain and lymph nodes.Thank God it never affected his brain.He never forgot who we were.He was in the hospital all but about 10 days of those 49 days.He never spent one night or day alone in the hospital except when he was in intensive care..Other than that the hospital left the other bed in his room open so a family member could be with him all night.He just never wanted to be alone. Our daughter called me at 5:30am. on the 23rd and said he was talking strange.So I went to the hospital and sat on the bed beside him and he looked at me and said," you are the only one I trust."I told him everybody loved him and he can trust everyone.He said no.He wasn't good all day sunday and our kids said mom have you told him it was okay to go? I said,"No I just can't."They said you have to. SO they left us alone and we talked.We all stayed the night at the hospital sunday night. Monday morning I could tell his breathing changed. I asked him if he wanted a breathing treatment and he said yes. Normally he would breathe better after that. But it didn't happen this time. He would be sleeping and he would wake up and say "help me".We all was telling him to go it was okay to go be with his parents and brother..Our youngest son had written a song for him when he fisrt got sick an he had it recorded on his phone so he turned it on so his dad could hear it(he already heard it when he wasn't so sick) and it seemed to calm him..After it was over someone told him to play another one. So he played "Don't close your eyes" My husband had been in a band a big part of his life and he always sang that song.I was sitting right beside him and I just put my head down and cried through the whole song and when it ended I put my head up and our son(who is a paramedic) was standing there looking at me and just shook his head yes.I looked at my husband and he was gone. Sometimes I wish my eyes would of been opened so I could of seen him..I believe he was looking at me when he past just my where his eyes were looking.I have to know that this will get easier.

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Hello Cindy,

I have read your posts. You are in the right place right now. I am so very sorry that you have suffered this painful loss. My heart goes out to you. What a trip your husband has traveled. It sounds as though you had some wonderful support at the hospital. How good that your husband was never alone. He must have loved you so very much to say to you that you were the only one he trusted. You know that that was not the case but that was what he said to you. What a bond of love you must have had. I am so sorry that he had some trouble breathing. What a beautiful thing your son did when he wrote that song for his dad – how beautiful – what a touching moment. When you put your head down as you listened to the song – this is when your husband made his choice to leave this world. We don’t know why, but we have heard that those who are ready to die do so on their own terms. He no doubt wanted to spare you any more pain. You are going to start your journey through grief as those of us on this site are doing right now. We are all at different places – some have been on this journey for only a very short time and others have been on for many years. Those who are more seasoned will share with us their journey and I have to tell you that as we walk this journey we will come out of it stronger than we are right now. I believe this because this is a choice I am going to make. Keep posting – there are caring people here. You are in my heart. I am so sorry for your loss. Anne

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I lost my husband september 24th 2012. I miss him so much. His illness was fast.From the time he was diagnosed till his death was 49 days.My heart is broken and I don't know if I will ever be better again.

....I believe he was looking at me when he past just my where his eyes were looking.I have to know that this will get easier.

Dear Cindy, I am so very sorry about your loss and the speed with which it happened. I am sure you are in shock at this point and in a fog. I was in shock and fog for several months when my husband died. It protects us and allows us to slowly become aware of the great loss we are dealing with.

This is a great place for you to be. Those of us who have been here for a while have found others to be loving and supportive, willing to share and yes, vent. Marty, the moderator, is excellent and provides us with much information. You might visit her site also: www.griefhealing.com where you will find articles, books and so much more that will help you. Right now the important thing is to take care of yourself...sleep as you can, eat nutritious foods, walk in the sunlight...do what feels good to you. We are here for you. Peace, Mary

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134 Days

My thoughts on Spirituality – I’ve been thinking about putting my grieving on a back burner for an instant – I say an instant because that’s all I think I can focus on at a time these days – after all, it’s only been 134 days

I do need to work on balancing work, play and rest which has almost been impossible since Jim’s death – I have been so self-absorbed – so focused on his death and what it means to me – all I can think about is why, why me, why isn’t he still here holding me, loving me, touching me – I miss him – I miss him

So today I’m looking to add my light to the world. I’m going to lend my hand to create positive change by visiting some of the ladies at blessings for seniors (a care facility for those who can’t be by themselves anymore – they like my cookies)

I do respect myself so I am going to pamper myself this week and go for a massage – I’ve never had one – I haven’t been the ‘touchy- feely’ type but the need for touch is pressing on me now – I so miss Jim’s arms around me – I will bring a box of puffs – I can’t get Marty’s post to us the other day out of my head –

I have been working on humility all my life. I still don’t know what it is – I am grateful for all I have – Jim and I used to talk about this often – I miss those talks

We never wanted to limit ourselves – we always read. We worked on being kind.

I want to accept this grief I’m in right now I just don’t know how or if I’m headed in the right direction. So many questions - so much clutter in my mind – how do I go with the flow now that I am alone

Anyway, these are my thoughts right now. Anne

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134 Days

I do need to work on balancing work, play and rest which has almost been impossible since Jim's death – I have been so self-absorbed – so focused on his death and what it means to me – all I can think about is why, why me, why isn't he still here holding me, loving me, touching me – I miss him – I miss him

I'm going to lend my hand to create positive change by visiting some of the ladies at blessings for seniors (a care facility for those who can't be by themselves anymore – they like my cookies)

I do respect myself so I am going to pamper myself this week and go for a massage –

I want to accept this grief I'm in right now I just don't know how or if I'm headed in the right direction. So many questions - so much clutter in my mind – how do I go with the flow now that I am alone

Dear Anne, I am between a trip to Madison and meeting someone for dinner so will respond to this more fully later but I just want to say that you can't expect yourself NOT to be absorbed in your pain. It is huge gut wrenching pain and you are at 134 days seeing the fog lift a bit. I barely remember those early days...the fog was heavy. Good for you visiting the ladies and getting a massage. I LOVE full body massages and my gal uses hot stones or cold which are incredible also. I hope you are proud of yourself for doing both of these. I am fairly touchy feely...so massages have always felt wonderful. You will get used to them and then we won't be able to stop you from going. I will write more later. Peace to your heart, Mary

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Dear Anne

Good for you. We do need to reach out to others if we can. I did my bit today by inviting the elderly lady I picked up to take to her caravan to have a cup of tea with me. She is the lady that I let down and neglected a few weeks ago (though to be fair to me I was ill). I too am totally self absorbed. I think about very little but Pete and his death and how lonely I am without him. Distractions are listening to the radio while walking the dog, watching tv programmes, and not much else. Yes my mind is cluttered. And if Pete were here we would talk it through as we talked everything through. I shared all my thoughts, worries, bright ideas etc etc with him. Where do they go now?

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Dear Anne, I am between a trip to Madison and meeting someone for dinner so will respond to this more fully later but I just want to say that you can't expect yourself NOT to be absorbed in your pain. It is huge gut wrenching pain and you are at 134 days seeing the fog lift a bit. I barely remember those early days...the fog was heavy. Good for you visiting the ladies and getting a massage. I LOVE full body massages and my gal uses hot stones or cold which are incredible also. I hope you are proud of yourself for doing both of these. I am fairly touchy feely...so massages have always felt wonderful. You will get used to them and then we won't be able to stop you from going. I will write more later. Peace to your heart, Mary

Hi Mary,

You are a busy lady. Take time to breathe. I know how much you love your quiet time. Winter is coming. I do miss the cold winters sitting next to the fireplace. But that was with Jim. It is really hard not having him to talk to. I never, never thought it would be this painful. And here I thought I was prepared!! Right! Sometimes I feel so vulnerable coming on this site. I feel so exposed. I know I am not being judged but it is so hard to get these feelings out. I know this is a safe place to share your feelings but it seems so unnatural. Family and friends have gone ahead a long time ago. And that's all right. I know they just don't 'get' it! I sometimes embarrass myself for being so self-absorbed - I think it was better when I was in that FOG - at least the pain was not so intense. I so miss Jim. Here I am almost seventy years old and I'm acting like I've never gone through losses in my life. This loss is tearing me apart. I have lost the most important person in my life. Now what am I suppose to do!

I am seeing my grief counselor from HOV on Wednesday. She checks up on me and tells me that I need to get the mind and heart a little closer - wait until she sees me on Wednesday! I know I won't be so philosophical about this whole death experience. I know we are born and we die. I hope no one tries to tell me that when talking about Jim because I never thought that he was going to die. And I don't want him to be dead but he is. Now I have to figure out what I'm going to do with the rest of my life without him. And I know he is with me but not in the way I want him to be. Enough.

I hope you are able to get some quiet time. It has been very busy for you these last days.

Thank you, Mary, for being with those of us who are so new to this grief. It does help to hear some encouragement from those who have traveled this journey before us. Anne

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Dear Anne

Good for you. We do need to reach out to others if we can. I did my bit today by inviting the elderly lady I picked up to take to her caravan to have a cup of tea with me. She is the lady that I let down and neglected a few weeks ago (though to be fair to me I was ill). I too am totally self absorbed. I think about very little but Pete and his death and how lonely I am without him. Distractions are listening to the radio while walking the dog, watching tv programmes, and not much else. Yes my mind is cluttered. And if Pete were here we would talk it through as we talked everything through. I shared all my thoughts, worries, bright ideas etc etc with him. Where do they go now?

Hi Jan,

I wonder how come people of all ages love cookies! biggrin.gif We are surely going through something I bet neither one of us expected to be doing at this time. I love thinking about Jim just as you like thinking about Pete. I did not know what lonely was until only about a few weeks ago. I am missing Jim so much. I don't know if it is harder because I am already retired and not out in the work place anymore. I find myself looking for him so I can share something with him. I can't go out on the patio yet because that is where Jim was from morning until evening when he was still able to move around. It is so painful to see his rocking chair that he loved to sit in. We are coming into the great fall season now when we can be out from October until May. I really do love Arizona during these times. Our last travel time together was when we drove up to Sedona with family and spent a week taking in the beauty. We loved the red rocks. I have always liked nature. It gave me a peace. I'm sending you a video of our great state of AZ with Patsy Cline singing 'The Wayward Wind' as the slides change. It'll be your turn to send me some pictures of your place.

I'm glad we are pinning now on Pinterest. I'm addicted but NOT as bad as Mary. he he

So you will be visiting family in a few days. I know you will be ok. And I know you will be glad to get back home. Love your grandchildren. They keep us young. My little ones are in ILL so I don't get to see them as often as I'd like. I have no idea what I'm going to do for the holidays - I want to stay here - I know I don't want to travel - and if this is selfish - so I am selfish - I don't want to do something for others right now. I want to be here where Jim and I have been. I don't want to be away from our home this year - not now. And I'm not going to feel guilty about it. It does scare me to be alone during the holidays. Last year a group of our seniors came to the house and sang songs for Jim - he sang right along with them. It was sad because I knew that it would be our last holiday together. Now I have that to think about. Touch base with you when you get back from your visit. Anne

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Dear Cindy I read your messages and so felt for you. You are with people here who truly get it. We are all alone in our grief but sharing it with others who tread the same path does help a little bit. I can't share with my family because their loss isn't the same as mine.

Anne I am where you are in so many ways. I am stabbed with pain all the time because the house is all about Pete and me. Every thing I see and do makes me miss him all over again. There are places around here I still can't go to. We used to go for a meal to the pub down the road every week and it was a lovely part of our week. I have been once but it was so hard and I don't want to repeat it. I can't go to our field (again I have been once but it's too painful to think of). We used to go to Beverley, a little town where Pete was brought up and I couldn't possibly go there. I've been asked to stay for a weekend with William our son and his wife but I can't do that. S many things I can't do. I'm going on holiday with the family from Wednesday and I don't want to go at all, I don't know what I want to do except hole up here and think about Pete all the time. I know that my reaction right now is to be expected. It's only five months since Pete died and just coming up to a year (November 7th) since our happy world collapsed when Pete had the stroke. My world is gone and I can't adapt yet. Like you Anne I am retired and more or less the same age as you. I start this online archaeology course this week but right now it's making me feel more hurt because I am realising I can't share it with Pete. We shared everything and so the pain just stabs and stabs and stabs every minute (or so it seems).

That remarks about heart and mind was an interesting one Anne (Enna). Sometimes I think I am analysing too much and writing here makes me do it more, but I think this is one of the ways I deal with this grief (though dealing with it doesn't seem the right word as it makes me think I am solving it and I am not). The sharp pangs àre what we have to bear alone. Talking about them afterwards maybe helps us? If this site were not here I think I might have lost my mind. I know journaling is recommended and I do it, but here we get feed back. I feel I know you all and am among friends. Ok I am self absorbed right now but as Mary says we are very early on this awful path.

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Anne, I also thought i was prepared but we both now know there is no preparation for this gut wrenching loss. I understand about the fog giving you some reprieve from the pain you now feel. Eventually it WILL get less intense. But we all have to walk through the heart of the pain. As for what you are supposed to do now that Jim is gone....I am trying to figure that out. Right now I am focused on healing my body, reading, painting, etc. As to where i will pour my energies...I have not defined that yet. I do believe it will be end of life issues related. Give yourself time. Do not try to be 40 steps down the road...just be where you are as painful as that is. Glad you are seeing your grief counselor. It helped me a lot when I did that. No one here will tell you "we are born and we die" as we all know it is not that simple. It hurts. Plain and clear.

This week and next are quieter. We do have a huge art tour coming up but that is just fun...going to the studios of the artists. There are hundreds, many in the hills, who rarely open their studios. The tour features about 50...maybe more. I never counted. Bill and I loved doing the tour. It is 3 days long. Thousands come from all over the country. Town is crazy that weekend.

Peace, Mary

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Okay, what is Pinterest? I keep hearing about it...I barely know twitter!

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At Pinterest one gets a page and can add pins to it from other boards or uploaded. You can have as many boards and pins as you wish and title them by categories or whatever. Good for advertising or fun.

Mary

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Kay, I suspect none of us knew what Pinterest was until we began playing with it. I too have joined the Pinterest craze, and I like it a lot! I use it as yet another way to share information about caregiving, hospice, grief, and pet loss, but I also enjoy it as a way to collect and share those things that interest me and reflect my personality. Like Mary, at times I find it quite relaxing and fun, too. With your skills at making cards, I bet you'd love it! If you decide to jump in, just know that several of our members are "doing" Pinterest, too, and I'm sure we're all quite willing to help you. There was a time when you had to be on Facebook in order to join, but I think that rule has been eliminated now. You might find this useful: What Is Pinterest?

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Some of you knew I was going to have to post on this one ~ my massage

Yes, it was my first experience with having a massage. We are advised to take care of ourselves during this grieving process so I decided to go for it. I've had neck and shoulder massages but not the back with rocks! So, I introduced myself and told her that I was treating myself to a little bit of self-indulgence since I lost my husband recently. She gave me the quick 'sorry' and it was time to get up on the table. Now, I am not a small lady ~ I am 5' & 7" tall and I do not weigh the same as I did when we were married forty years ago. Well, not very gracefully, I climbed up on the table that was about as wide as the one in a doctor's office (you know, the one that's about the width of an arm). I started to laugh and found myself out of control and she hadn't even started the massage ~ after all, I'm going to be 70 and I'm not exactly the 'yoga' queen. I only have so many heartbeats in this body and I don't want to waste them on exercising! I never have been one who can sleep on her stomach! And when you've been taking care of your husband 24/7 for five years there really hadn't been too much time to self-indulge! Oh, I called on friends to visit with Jim while I ran out to do the necessary things like go to the dentist, the doctor, do shopping, fill up the car with gas, attend meetings, lunch with girl friends ~ looking back on it I think I've been running for a long time. Thank goodness the gal I went to is right here at our community. She usually does the golfers and the ball players who think they are still in their prime. When she put the rocks on my back she did ask me if I was ticklish because I was still laughing. I said, NO, don't think so ~ why? I couldn't tell you the number of times she said, 'relax'. She asked me if I was seeing a therapist and I said, "NO, why?" Ok, so here goes ~ she said, "I don't think you are dealing with the loss of your husband as you should be." So I said, "How should I be dealing with it?" So she told me I should be crying not laughing. I do not think I'll go back to her. I did like the rocks on my back only they were too cold! However, it did feel nice. I've been home for a few hours now and you guessed it ~ I've started to analyze the whole experience. There is no doubt a parallel between laughing and crying. You know those chemical endorphins in our brain could work for laughing as well as crying! I also have read that laughing or crying can strengthen the stomach muscles. I sure could use that help. Was I laughing because I was nervous ~ hummm. Was I laughing because it is easier than crying ~hummm. Was I laughing because I really do not know how to relax ~ hummmm. Was I laughing because it is too painful for me when I cry ~ hummm. Or, was I laughing because it felt good ~ hummm. Anyway, I forgot to bring my box of puffs and my laugh wasn't the hysterical kind. I know I am starting to come out of the 'FOG' everyone talks about. I know my body has not relaxed yet since I must have been on remote for so long. I must tell you, I have bawled and screamed until I don't think there is any water left in my body. I am releasing whatever it is that has overwhelmed me. I will try a massage again ~ later. I still would rather have Jim's arms around me. Someone other than people on this site no doubt would be telling me I should go see a shrink. But here, I think you all understand. Anne

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At Pinterest one gets a page and can add pins to it from other boards or uploaded. You can have as many boards and pins as you wish and title them by categories or whatever. Good for advertising or fun.

Mary

Hi Kay, I checked on Pinterest and it says that you go to Pinterest.com and apparently there is a button that says JOIN and you sign up. It is free and virtually any interest you have is found there. It used to be you had to be invited but I think that was early on. Check it out. At the top of each page there is a search box. You put in someone's name (like mine or Anne or anyone) and their boards come up. When you run your mouse over a "pin" (which is what the things are called that you post on your boards, it says Repin Like Comment. You can hit repin and your page comes up and you choose which board to put the pin on. But initially see if you can sign up and then scout about. You have my email address if you wish to email questions. It is fun and relaxing. Mary

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Wow Enna that sounds like a very complicated experience altogether. And as to analysing it I haven't a clue. Yes crying and laughing are very close. And she doesn't sound as though she is the right masseuse for you IMHO. Sharing with anyone is hard and although it was very important to tell her I get the impression that she didn't react to you in the right way. Don't give up. I too am due to have a massage when I go on holiday to Center Parcs at the weekend. I've only ever had one before but am not sure about this. I don't care what I look like these days. I don't think this is good but there it is. But a massage is supposed to relax us so I hope it will do that. But yours Enna doesn't sound to have been very effective. As to your last remark about the shrink well NO WE DON'T THINK THAT!

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Hi Anne,

I do know the trek you were on...taking care of Jim, getting out for groceries, DDS, etc., exhaustion, confusion, shock, and an occasional lunch with a friend. We both needed more help sooner, I believe. I know I did. My body became like steel as I took care of Bill. I never knew what would happen especially as time wore on. He fell often because I turned my back and he could not remember to use his walker or how to use it. I was doing the Voice and until 6 months before he died, I was still seeing clients. So when I finally went for a series of massages, my body between the stress and the computer time on Voice was rock hard. I find massages comforting but it is important to have someone who is sensitive and kind and does not jsut say "sorry" when you tell her you lost your husband and who does not use the word "should" even if what follows is might be accurate. Do you have friends who go to a masseuse? Can they refer you to someone even if she is not in town?

Also, meditation is extremely helpful to reduce and relieve stress. I am starting a Mindfulness class on the 17th. I do that often. You might check to see if there is a meditation or Mindfulness class around. Meditating daily is really helpful. I have done that since 1980 formally and though I abandoned it too often when caregiving Bill, I am now back on track again. It makes a huge difference.

I admire you for doing the massage and hope you find someone who suits you better. I have to say that I found seeing an individual grief counselor extremely helpful after Bill died. I did that weekly for a long time. I also was in the Hospice spousal loss group which was just 5 sessions but helpful since I had never, of course, been down the road of spousal loss before. You might consider grief counseling. You mentioned an HOV counselor...is that someone you could meet with? ...so that you have someone face to face to cry with, process with, etc. I know, as a therapist myself, that I tend to be a bit prejudice about people doing therapy. I deeply believe in the process, of course. But if there is ever a time in our lives when we need another person trained in grief counseling to process with, it is when we lose our beloveds.

Peace, Mary

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Anne,

Well this is my opinion, and you can take it for what it's worth...I wouldn't want a masseuse assessing me. I don't think she's qualified and I doubt if she knows diddly about grief. I'm afraid I would have taken offense about her remark about what I should do with regards to my grief. Laugh, cry, scream, or all of the above...ANYTHING that helps or makes YOU feel better!

I haven't had the rocks treatment...just hands. :)

Gosh but I'm wondering about the table she used...it sounds like a balance beam, not a table! At 70 I think we do well to crawl up on anything! I just turned 60 and I swear, if I ever slow down, I'll never get going again!

Mary, thanks! I opened an account, haven't figured it out yet...

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Anne, Here are some links to free online meditations and information about meditation:

http://www.swamij.com/online7min.htm free 7 minute meditation guided

http://www.onlinemeditation.org/meditation-class-1/ free class...a bit Eastern but looks good.

http://meditation.org.au/podcast_directory.asp

There are many. So if these do not work for you, just google free meditation on line. Also progressive relaxation exercises are great to unknot the body.

Just sit or lie down. Pause a bit and just breathe. Then start at your hands, make a fist as you inhale, hold the fist and your breath, and then release both your fist and your breath. Do this for your lower arms, upper arms, shoulders (bring up to ears), upper back, and through your entire body. When you have reached your toes, start back up again. don't forget your facial muscles. As you relax each muscle you can say to yourself something like "I release tension". After you have gone through your entire body twice, just let your breathing return to normal or be normal and perhaps picture anything that is lovely for a minute or so.

Just thought these might help unknot the muscles a bit.

Mary

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Anne, dear, I hope you'll follow Mary's excellent suggestions for meditation and relaxation.

I must say that I think you were very brave to get yourself in for a massage, which was for you a first-time experience ~ and your vivid description of it all is priceless! (You have a delightful sense of humor, and I loved your spot-on analysis of all the possible reasons for your own laughter at the time.)

I'm so sorry that your masseuse didn't demonstrate the level of empathy and understanding you so need and deserve. As with any other profession, I suppose, there are those who know and understand (from their own experience, training and education) the effects that grief might have on their clients, especially when a loss is as recent and as significant as yours, and there are those who don't have a clue. It's unfortunate that you seemed to be dealing with the latter.

In an earlier post I think you mentioned that you're seeing your HOV bereavement counselor on Wednesday. You might consider asking if you could get a referral to one of the massage therapists at Hospice of the Valley ~ because they are wonderful, and I can assure you that they would understand and be sensitive to your particular needs.

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Enna,

Looks like what I'm reading from you is you are indeed taking things by the horns, so to speak.

It's good to read your posts, and see your healing in full progress as well as others whom are members.

I've not been on much attending to some business and working out, I joined the GYM... some of these new ventures we are

taking are amazing, I liked what kayc said "At 70 I think we do well to crawl up on anything! I just turned 60 and I swear, if I ever slow down, I'll never get going again"!, I'm 54 and feel that way, I am doing things I didn't at 30

and feel I won't slow down till I receive my calling.

On the meditation note, I have been doing a mediation that is done by mediums, following some steps to develop the ability to make contact. I have found some amazing comfort with these exercises and steps.

Continued Peace....

NATS

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post-14525-13497483959946_thumb.jpg

I happened on this tonight as I distract myself from a wave of grief by doing way too much internet time. Almost every one of the thoughts expressed in this graphic was true of me. I am not there yet by any means...wherever "there" is but well on my way and actually feel like I have said good-bye to a few of these. I thought those of you who are so new and so raw to this journey might benefit from this graphic. And I know there are people here who felt this way early on and who can also say they are well on their way and have said good-bye to some of these. There IS hope. I might add that as I look back, I will also never ever forget what those first months felt like...and many months after that. And as I said, I am distracting myself tonight from a wave (not a tsunami) of grief...too tired to deal with it.

Peace to your hearts, mi

Mary

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Hello, Jan,

You should be sleeping right now in England. The massage experience was interesting. there will be others though. I was sleepy this afternoon so I took a nap. Touch base when you return from holiday. hugs Anne

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