4 Weeks Ago I Suddenly Lost My Mom

[Natasha]

4 weeks ago, I said my last few words to my mom before I lost her. She was sitting in her favorite chair rubbing her chest and watching the olympics. I asked if she was okay and she replied it was only indigestion. I told her I was going to take a nap and I'd see her in an hour and that I loved her. An hour later, I found her laying on the couch and gone. She'd had a massive heart attack and went in her sleep. I am greatful for that. But of course I have moments of "what if", even though it's too late for that.

I'm the "baby" sister at almost 32 and have lived with mom my entire life, while my sisters are much older in their late 40's and early 50's. For them, they lost mom. For me, I lost my mom, my best friend, my confidant and my companion.

Last year mom had minor surgery and I became so afraid that she'd die, I developed intense agoraphobia and anxiety. For 3 months I couldn't leave our apartment. I've been making progress since then, but now since she died I feel like I'm back at square one but alone.

I am by no means "alone" I have 3 older sisters, a fiance and great friends and neighbors but it's not the same. I've never lived alone, and now I am living in our apartment without mom. I can handle small spats (3 hours) of being alone, but the silence without her breaks my heart.

I've had to have someone in the family stay with me overnight and if they couldn't, I stay over at my neighbors. I tried staying overnight alone last week and I just kept picturing her the way I found her and had to stay at my neighbors. Today is the first day I have been without a family member, it sucks.

People keep asking me how I'm feeling and really all I can say is that this sucks. It truly sucks, I miss my mom so much and now in hindsight I realize that I depended on her a bit too much. But at the same time, I am glad that I got to spend so much time with her.

I find that I cry at "weird" moments, the first 2 weeks I cried constantly and could hardly eat. Now, I cry when I am journaling or I see a commerical that reminds me of her. I can't bring myself to watch anything she did, or listen to music she loved.

I'm doing better then I was, but this just hurts so much and it DOES suck.

[DebFromLodi]

We all totally understand what you are going though. I know that does not help right now but it will, in time. I am the baby of the family. I am 60 now and my mom has been gone since 2/2/08 at 11:34am. I miss her so very much, she was my life for so long. Now I wish she was here to talk to as my brother just found out his cancer is back for the 3rd time. I am so grateful that my mom is not here to feel the pain of a child so sick, but at the same time, I wish i had her here to talk to to. To make it all better. My brother started out with colon cancer, then it went to his liver. He was completely cancer free for a long time. He went for a blood test three months ago and the reading was a little high and they did a pet scan but nothing showed. They told him to come back in three months, and he did, but this time his blood count went from 7 (should be 5) way up to 33. Today he goes in for another pet scan then to find out on Wed. what is up. I need my mom but she is not here. I know my brother needs her too.

Sorry for straying. Please know that I pray for you to get through this, and you will. Please come back here often, it does help.

[MartyT]

(And we'll keep your brother in our thoughts and prayers as well, Deb ♥ )

[DebFromLodi]

Thank you so very much, Marty

[Natasha]

Any time anyone asks me about how I feel, all I can conjure is this sucks. I should actually get it tattoo'd on me. Spent 4 hours alone in the apartment today, and got through it. Had a few cry moments with the silence aka absence of my moms voice but I did it.

[Leticia]

Natasha I'm so sorry to hear about your mom. It is so sad to lose a parent. I lost my dad a few weeks ago. I know how you feel when people ask you how are you doing? like me at work? It's like how do you think I'm doing?!!! But i know they're only trying to help. I will keep you in my prayers.

[DebFromLodi]

Marty: I wanted to let you know about my brother's results of the Petscan. The cancer has spread to one of his ribs and possibly back in his liver. Thanks for the prayers for him. Hopefully he will be strong enough to beat this.

[Natasha]

Natasha I'm so sorry to hear about your mom. It is so sad to lose a parent. I lost my dad a few weeks ago. I know how you feel when people ask you how are you doing? like me at work? It's like how do you think I'm doing?!!! But i know they're only trying to help. I will keep you in my prayers.

I know a lot of people don't know what to say. I have a few neighbors that can't even look at me or haven't came by, because they just don't know how to deal or what to say. My biggest challenge is to not be alone. I have agoraphobia and anxiety, mom was my coach. So dealing with that AND the grief has been awful. I miss her so much, and its little things, like a companion for morning coffee or the I love you too before bed, thats what hurts.

[Leticia]

Hi Natasha. You know I know a little about anxiety. I had to see my Dr. this was before my dad passed away. I guess i sensed it. that's how close we were. I was starting to lose it. every time i left my parents house, as soon as i shut the door i would lose it. so when i broke down with my dr. he prescribed me Zanax. He thought it would help. well it is in a way. It helps me from getting hysterical. I mean it's a suggestion. If you have a Dr. stay connected to get the help you need. it is easier said than done. Try not to be alone much I know our parents wouldnt want that for us. I'm really happy you have family and friends to help you.

I personaly feel that my mom is taking it better than I am. I cant go see her every day because i dont want to break down in front of her and make her sad, but i 'm feeling guily about that also. I dont want her to think i love her any less than my dad. It's so hard to explain and i like you have my spurts of crying just at any time. well Natasha until next time. and yes Day by day.

[rjeppan]

Hi 5 weeks today my dear mum was buried and the great sadness and grief remain unabated. I was her chief caregiver for the past 4 years after mum developed progressive vascular dementia. She lived with me for 2 years, went through several stages of the illness and then was placed into a long term care home where I remained very much involved and if away had paid private duty caregivers there.I regret very much having put mum into that nursing home and always felt guilty but 24/7 just became too much.... Mum came home with me each weekend..Friday through Monday morning so weekends are particularly difficult like this past long Labour Day weekend. I miss mum so much..her touch, smile, kiss as she continued to know me until the end. Her heart gave way and I was blessed to be with her that morning, 8.37 am July 27, 2012. As her son I found mum to be a wonderful woman ,lovely both inside and out and an ever loving, faithful and supportive mother, widowed for 43 years she dedicated herself to family. I am planning to get away for a number of weeks travelling in the USA with an extended stay in Cocoa Beach Florida just to walk the beach, be away from our condo home with so many memories and hopefully gain a better perspective on all that has happened. Maybe this will help...have others run away....and did it help? Being retired I must now somehow fill this huge void as all parts of one's personal life have been on hold these past 4 years losing touch with old friends, work commitments etc. I have now finished the estate business...physically still not sleeping through the night and often feeling achy with stomach acid a problem too many days. All seems so final now with final will business completed, final taxes done and grave marker in place...my condolences to all here who are experiencing the same kind of grief...peace, Raymond

[Natasha]

Condolences to you as well Raymond

[enna]

Hello Natasha,

I am so sorry for your loss - you are in the right place - the people here are so connected to one another - it is too early for you to accept this terrible pain. Later, you will take the path that many of us have had to take - our own grief journey. It has been said that the dying make their own choice as to when they want to pass. Some want others to be around them - others want to spare you the pain so they go on their terms. How wonderful that you were able to tell your mother that you'd 'see her in an hour and that you loved her'.

You will experience many things now - life for you will always be different. Hopefully, this whole experience will not always 'suck'. You will cry, laugh, feel numb, and feel like you are in a fog for however long it takes. This is your journey, but you are not alone. Visit this web site and find the strength that I have. I lost the love of my life on May 25, 2012 after forty years of a marriage that had its ups and downs - he was my friend, lover, confidant, husband and true soul mate. I do not know what I'd do if I had not found this web site. Know we are with you. enna

[pmack]

i'm so sorry for all you've lost, all of you. i truly am. I am comming from a different prespective, and forgive me if this sounds selfish, here goes. My girlfriend of two years lost her dad suddenly 16 days ago, after the funeral / wake she bacame distant and said she "needed a breaK" from the relationship. i completely understand and although i haven't experiences a loss like she has i knew that she needed space. so for the past week i haven't called her, i've texted her a couple times just so she knows i'm there if she needs me, but she hasn't responded. it's killing me inside, but i know what she is experiancing is 100x worse. i just can't get her out of my mind and can't understand why she doesn't want to talk to me. we were soo close just 2 weeks ago before this happened! could any of you shed some light on this subject? did you feel the need to push your significant other's away? i want to be there for her, to comfort her, to make sure she is eating / sleeping and not torturing herself. it's my job as her b/f to do these things but she won't let me and it's driving me crazy! and input would be greatly appreaciated. thank you!

[kayc]

pmack, I'm sorry, I don't have any enlightenment to shed because when I lost my husband, I valued the support of friends and family, but it was strange, my friends disappeared overnight! That is not uncommon, unfortunately, as death makes people uncomfortable, almost as if they think it's contagious.

Years later when my fiance was grieving/caretaking his dying mother, he broke up with me. I understood his feeling like he couldn't deal with anything except for what he was going through with her, but I didn't understand why he wouldn't let me bring him a dinner or just be there for him. His grown daughters were no help, and he let his roommate and neighbors be there for him, so why not his fiance? All I can surmise is he felt some kind of pressure with regards to our relationship. Just two weeks before he'd told me he saw us spending the rest of our lives together, he felt lucky to have me in his life, he loved me, etc. Could he have not been telling me the full truth about how he felt? Was this a platform on which to break up with me? He says not. Nothing makes sense to me. I finally had to quit trying to analyze it and just accept it. I couldn't change it, all I could do is respect his wishes. At least we were able to resume friendship. For a lot of people they are unwilling to settle for that. For myself, I valued him as a person and regardless the form the relationship takes, I enjoy knowing him. It was very tough, I used to cry my eyes out, it literally broke my heart in those early months. The rejection and betrayal I felt still stings...I am unable to trust and still do not date, it's doubtful I ever will, I've just been through too much.

I only know that not everyone responds to grief in the same way and there's enough people on here with the same similar story that tells me this is a common response. I'm not sure that's of any solace...