My Brother

[AnnC]

I lost my brother in a car accident last Friday. The police don't know exactly what happened bit he was driving on a freeway and his car veered to the right off the road and hit a heavy pillar at 60 mph. He died on impact, basically crushed. A witness pulled him out of the car and attempted CPR, but he was already gone. The car then caught fire. The police went to my sister's and she called me. I had to break it to my 84 year old mother. And we had to get word to his teen-aged daughter who lives with her mother in another state. He was 44. I just cry and cry. And I know from years ago when I used to post here after the death of my ex-husband that I'm probably still in shock and won't fully feel it for a few more months. I just keep thinking I won't answer the phone and hear his "Hey! " ever again. He won't walk his daughter down the aisle or see his grandchildren. He would have made a fabulous grandpa. He was the baby, the rest of us (my sisters and I) are in our 50's and survived cancer, diabetes and quadruple bypass surgery, and then my little brother who was fit and healthy dies like this. It's so cruel.

[MartyT]

Cruel indeed, dear Ann, and grossly unfair. I am so very sorry to learn this tragic news, and my heart goes out to you and your family. Please know that we are thinking of you and sending our deepest sympathy ♥

[AnnC]

I had hoped for some sharing or something from others...feeling very alone and isolated. Can you offer any resources for grief support groups?

[Miss Ngu]

Hi AnnC - Please accept my condolences for the tragic loss of your brother. My dear brother died 4 1/2 years ago due to drug and alcohol abuse. I miss him so much, as do his children (and grandchildren - who he never met). Your loss is so recent, so, yes, as you wrote, I agree -- you are in the "shock" phase. Please know that I read your post, and hear your pain. Life is so fragile and precious -- and unfair. Sending my thoughts and prayers to you at this difficult time.

[MartyT]

I had hoped for some sharing or something from others...feeling very alone and isolated. Can you offer any resources for grief support groups?

Ann, dear, I've pulled together some resources for you ~ See especially Look to Your Hospice for Grief Support and Finding Grief Support That Is Right For You ~ and please know that you are NOT alone! We are always here for you, I promise ♥

See also:

List of Links to Resources for Death of a Sibling or Twin

List of Links for Traumatic Loss

And specifically, see:

Adult Sibling Grief - Support and Resource Community

Dealing with Sudden, Accidental or Traumatic Death

Grief Due to Complicated Death

Traumatic Loss: Needing to Know the Details

Coping with Sudden and Traumatic Loss

[enna]

Dear AnnC,

I am so sorry for your sorrow at this time. The loss of your younger brother to this tragic car accident must be so difficult to comprehend. How are you doing? This is 'trauma' time for you - you need time to process this loss - you may be feeling that nothing makes sense, you didn't get to say good-by. I lost my brother and my sister to sudden deaths. My sister's death was the hardest for me because she was fine one day and three days later she died of small cell carcinoma in the lungs. No one knew she had it. I found myself a little jealous at times because many people thought that it's the parents who should get the attention and we kids are forgotten. I don't know if this happens often but if it happens to you be strong and know that you are just as important during this grieving time as anyone.

Later you may find comfort in reading. There is a book by Elizabeth DeVita-Raeburn titled: The Empty Room: Understanding Sibling Loss you may find helpful. Another book: Coping With Sudden Loss by Terese Rando, Ph.d has some good ideas that might help you.

Also, the web site www.griefspeaks.com/id46.html might be of some help to you. There are many more suggestions to help you sort out your thoughts. By coming back to this web site I know that you will find a place to be heard. There are many compassionate people who can speak to you and listen. I will be watching your posts so don't stop sharing. enna

[AnnC]

Thank you. You're right, it's crisis time. I am so sorry that you lost both your brother and sister. I know what you mean, we are mostly focused on my mother and my niece (my brother's daughter) and so my sisters and I spend a lot of time taking care of them instead of ourselves. I had no idea there was so much to do when someone dies suddenly. My father died six years ago after 10 months of treatment for stage 4 cancer. That was very hard, but we knew he was terminal. To have dinner with my brother where we were talking and laughing and having a great time and then a few days later he was suddenly dead on the freeway -- I can't really wrap my mind around it. Yesterday I made up this whole fantasy about how maybe he was carjacked and injured, and the carjacker took his ID and car and it was the carjacker who was killed and maybe my brother would show up when he recovered. I had it all figured out. But of course it was only fantasy. I guess it's part of denial or bargaining or something. I just think about how awful it is that I'll never see him again.

[enna]

AnnC,

It does not surprise me that you had the type of dream you did. I think that it's nature's way of protecting us from such pain until we are ready to process what has happened. When my sister passed I found myself not being able to comprehend that she was gone. I even called her weeks after forgetting she was really dead. I do think we place ourselves inside a bubble and look at events from the inside - seeing what we want to see - your world was destroyed before you had time to even say good-by. One thing I found to be helpful to me was to fix some of my sister's favorite recipes - she was a good cook. I'd even spend time talking to her while preparing her apple Bettie recipe or her home made baked breads. When the time is right you will find your own way of remembering your brother. enna

[AnnC]

It is hard. What's weird is that I last saw him only a couple of weeks before he died. And normally I might not see him for two or three months. He lived 120 miles from me, so maybe I would get a text sometimes, or a call if he was in my area. Or I would just hear what he was doing from my mom, and then see him for Thanksgiving. It's been a month today, but it's normal that I wouldn't see him twice in one month, but I know he's dead, yet part of me still feels like I will see him at Thanksgiving like normal. I know that's not true but we did not see his body (the M.E. said there was too much trauma from the car crash, so we had him cremated.) So it's not totally real to me. Confusing. It's like when my ex-husband died, I never saw him dead and he lived on the opposite coast so I only knew from people telling me that he died. With my father, I saw him going through the cancer and treatments, and I saw his body after he was dead, so that was hard too, but less confusing. I don't know if I'm making sense here.

[enna]

Ann

When I read your second post about the 'confusion' you're experiencing over the tragic death of your brother by not being able to 'see' his body I don't think there's anything 'weird' about it. You experienced a very stressful event. You have a right to think that what happened is 'confusing'. I am so sorry for you right now.

I offer you a listening ear. In my experience there is no 'right' or 'wrong' way to think, feel, or respond to trauma. With your type of trauma you just may need some extra help to make it 'real'.

I think the links Marty sent to you in your first post could be a starting point. As you pointed out that with the death of your father you "saw him going through the cancer and treatments, and I saw his body after he was dead, so that was hard too, but less confusing." I have found out that when we are on this site we don't have to make sense – most of the time I don't and we are not judged. I don't spell correctly, my sentences don't make sense sometimes, grammar goes out the window and most times I don't catch my own mistakes. I blame it on the 'grieving' process. Reading about this journey that we did not ask to be on does seem to help. Keep posting. We have many listening ears here. Anne

[AnnC]

My update -- I can't believe it's been 6 weeks. Much of that time is a blur. We had a beautiful Celebration of Life for my brother. It was outside at a golf club because he was a professional golfer, and it was a beautiful day. His daughter spoke and brought everyone to tears. But of course, once all the arrangements and service are over, and placing his ashes in the mausoleum with my dad's ashes -- now without all that to distract me, I face the reality of his absence.

I just bought a remembrance necklace for myself. We are Part-Hawaiian, and he had his happiest years in Hawaii, where he married and had his daughter. She is still living there. So I ordered a silver necklace with a peridot stone. Peridot is created by volcanoes and is known in Hawaii as the "tears of Pele", the volcano goddess. So I ordered a tear-shaped stone in a simple silver setting.

But I just miss him.

[enna]

Dear Ann,

The Celebration of Life you had for your brother sounded so nice. It always helps when the day is beautiful also. Yes, as you said now is the time to begin your journey into facing the reality of his absence. You will have support right here on this site. Many have lost both siblings and others so they will be able to understand.

The necklace sounds so beautiful – "tears of Pele" how nice. You will miss him. I am sorry for your loss. Now both your brother and your dad are somewhere out there and they are watching over all those who have loved them. Please visit this site to help you find peace. Anne

[kayc]

Ann, I don't usually venture into this section, not having lost a sibling myself, but I just noticed it. I am so sorry you lost your brother, not like you haven't had enough. I dread the day I start losing my siblings, they have been the constant in my life. You will be in my prayers...

[AnnC]

Thanks, kayc. I didn't expect to lose a sibling since I am the oldest. My closest in age sibling is 5 years younger, and the brother I lost was nearly 15 years younger. It made it that much more of a shock.

I feel my shock subsiding and the pain getting more intense. I cry a lot at work now. Coworkers are sympathetic, but they don't know what to say. However, they are open enough to just tell me they don't know what to say, and then I tell them that it's okay that they don't know. I don't know what I want them to say. But their honesty is actually helpful. And they listen when I tell them a memory of my brother or when I showed pictures of the beautiful place we had the memorial service. So they have been great, really.

I am scared of how painful Thanksgiving, followed by his birthday a week later, and then Christmas, will be. Because my brother and I were both divorced, we sent those holidays with my mother, especially Thanksgiving when my sisters would be with their in-laws. So it will be a big difference this year. It will be sad beyond belief.

I tell myself to just let myself cry, I know that is best, but it's harder to do than I remembered from past losses. Maybe because I do have that feeling that it won't stop if I really get started. I have cried hard, but every time there is that fear. Also I fear crying in the evening because my nose and everything gets swollen and then, because I have sleep apnea, I can't sleep because I can't breathe. That reminds me that it was my brother who recognized my sleep apnea and insisted I see a doctor. He probably saved my life, sleep apnea can be fatal. I wish I had saved his life. I remember the sleep technician said to me, "You are fortunate to have a brother who loves you enough to insist that you get treatment for this condition." It makes me cry, because I have lost him. He saved me and I didn't save him.

[AnnC]

Not much activity in this part of the forum.

I did something today that helped me. I have found myself feeling guilt and regret for all sorts of things I think I did wrong in the past in my relationship with my brother. I have been crying and punishing myself for not treating him better while he was alive. Today I wrote up a chart, with the first column called "Guilt/Regret", and listing under that all the things I feel guilt or regret about, such as not offering him the option to stay on my couch the last time he came and had dinner with me, that kind of thing. Then in the second column, I put "Comments", and I put, for example, that in thinking about that last visit, I said to him that he didn't need a motel room, but he said he wanted an afternoon nap before I got home from work, and he had to leave early the next morning, so a motel was easier and he had already paid for it. Somehow the fact that when he left at the end of the evening, I didn't suggest he stay with me, that was what stuck in my head and I felt horrible about it. When I really made an effort to remember, I remembered that we had already discussed it on the phone earlier, but my grief-fogged mind forgot that part and preferred to beat me up.

So I listed everything that I could remember from our lives that I felt guilty for, and then in the second column, just answers to it, like it was a normal disagreement for a brother and sister to have, or we discussed a problem later and made peace over it.

I was surprised just how much better this made me feel. I still miss him like crazy, of course, but I know I couldn't possibly have prevented the car accident that killed him, and I see that my regrets are very minor and didn't get in the way of a good sibling relationship. From other family members I have lost, I remember that those guilty feelings and what-if's are so debilitating and make grief so very much more painful -- and it's surely painful enough without that. I am keeping my chart in my computer and on my tablet so I can add to it if other incidents come to mind, or to read over when the guilts strike again. It does help as a reality check.

I cry every day -- but although the crying is so painful, I do feel a bit better afterwards. If I stuff down my crying, I start to feel like I'm going to explode -- so I try not to avoid the crying.

[MartyT]

Brilliant, Ann! What a wonderful and effective tool you've invented for yourself ~ and one I will be sharing with others who struggle with guilt and regret. (Is there anyone among us who does not struggle with that?!) Thank you so much for sharing this with all of us ~ and hooray for you! ♥

[Kavish]

dear Ann,

I'm sorry for your loss. But I am not the one who would feel guilty about what has happened in between my loved one and me, because I know I am going to be making up to her forever. I am going to dedicate my life being more gentle with myself as she was with me. I want to grow everyday and look up to her and say "I will see you one day." As she would say to me, "Now, now , Don't pout now." I would forget what I was angry at and instead would be just happy to be there in the moment. I want to see her again, and will keep my faith that I want to be at my best when I do.

Thanks,

Kavish

[kayc]

Ann,

It sounds like your brother was a matter of fact practical person, I wouldn't feel guilty, he was just doing what he thought easiest and there's no way he could have known, or you either, that you wouldn't have more time together than you did. We just don't expect loss at that time of life.

I know you said it was more painful, undoubtedly with the shock wearing off, I'm sure it'll get more cope-able as time goes by, but the missing him will always be there. I wish we didn't have to lose those we love, it's just very hard.

[AnnC]

Thanks Marty and kayc. I am reading a book about sibling loss and it is helping. I do notice that there isn't generally much said about it. In trying to find group support, everything seems to revolve around widows and bereaved parents. I have been asked many times how my mother is doing by people who have never met my mother. No one asks me, for example, how my sisters are doing, but of course they are as devastated and suffering as I am, so this also minimizes my loss. I expected some disenfranchisement when I was grieving my ex husband 8 years ago, but am really surprised that the loss of an adult sibling doesn't seem that major to a lot of people.

I talked to one grief counselor at MultiCare about the groups she runs, but she said my loss was "too recent" and would be disruptive to the group? Really? Even if that's true, I am astounded she would say such a thing! Only my good memories of the group I joined 8 years ago keeps me still considering it. If I had not had that experience, I would have completely withdrawn after her comments that made me feel I was doing something wrong by reaching out for help. The grief center I went to back then has closed due to lack of funds, and the counselor there has retired. At the suggestion of a friend I called the pastor of her church who runs grief support groups. She said she would call me when she set up her next group in early October, but she never did. My friend finally asked about it and was told there were not enough people for an evening group. A call to tell me that instead of completely ignoring me would have been at the very least common courtesy. Am I being unreasonable here?

I found the website for Compassionate Friends. They do seem to focus on parents but they have a nice article on sibling loss. I emailed the contact for the local chapter a week ago. No response.

What is going on with these people? I certainly do not see the slightest evidence of compassion.

[MartyT]

Ann, dear, I'm so, so sorry to learn of the shameful treatment you've received ~ and no, you're not being unreasonable to expect better. I don't know if you've checked some of the resources I've listed on my site's Death of a Sibling or Twin page. You may not be able to find an in-person support group in your community that is specifically aimed at your unique type of loss, but there may be something online that appeals to you. It's good to know that you're reading a book that helps, and I hope you will investigate some of the other wonderful books that have been written by surviving siblings ~ I've listed several on that page (all of which I've read myself) and I think they will give you some measure of empathy, understanding and support.

[AnnC]

Thanks, Marty. I'm not expecting a group specifically aimed at sibling loss, but one that would at least take me. GriefWorks, which I went to years ago, was wonderful. It is my nature to do best with people to talk to in an in person group, combined with reading books and participating in online groups such as this one. But anyway, I am stubborn enough to persist. :-)

[AnnC]

Now it has been 12 weeks. I started attending the local chapter of The Compassionate Friends, and although they are mainly bereaved parents, they were very welcoming and I found it helpful. And some of them have lost siblings also, and can relate. I can relate to them in a way because I am 15 years older than my brother and I never had children, so my brother was the closest to a child for me. I cared for him a lot as an infant and toddler.

The golf course where he worked had a memorial golf tournament in his name. The proceeds were donated to my brother's daughter for her education. Now the national organization that organized it will be doing this tournament in his memory every year, at different golf courses around the country. The proceeds in future will go to support junior golf, which my brother was very involved in. My family is really pleased that this is his legacy.

I'm dreading the holidays though.

[MartyT]

Good for you, Ann ~ it's good to know that you found some support via The Compassionate Friends. Theirs is a top-notch organization, with all sorts of helpful resources. I know the holidays can be especially challenging, most especially when your grief is so fresh and raw. Please know that we are right here with you to support you through it all ~ and the Internet is a rich source of information, comfort and support too. See, for example, Coping with the Holidays: Suggested Resources ♥

[AnnC]

We just got the autopsy report. The good news is my brother had not even so much as an aspirin in his sytem, so there was nothing like that to have caused his crash. I did not believe there would be, but it's nice to know for certain -- some people have made cruel comments about how he must have been driving under the influence, and now I KNOW for certain that he was not. They could tell he had recently eaten a meal, which could have contributed to drowsiness -- all the evidence we have been able to gather suggests he fell asleep at the wheel and that caused the crash.

But I was at my grief group the other evening, and a newly bereaved father was saying how upset he was that he didn't get to see his son's body (it was found several days after the death.) He felt he had no closure. And I started to feel bad when I saw the autopsy report. When we talked to the M.E. after the crash, they said there was too much trauma to determine an exact cause of death. So when my mother said she wanted to see his body, I had visions of a crushed and bloody body (sorry if this is too graphic), and I discouraged her. They seemed satisfied with their identification, and he was 3 hours away from where we were, so we just arranged for the cremation and let them take care of things. Now I have discovered that all the trauma was internal, he looked okay externally. So now I feel we should have gone to see him, it would have been at least an assurance that it really was him. I felt less trauma at my father's death, and I think that's partly because we did see my father's body and identify it. It might also be because he suffered through 10 months of chemo and his passing was expected. But still, I'm feeling guilt and regret that maybe the decision was made too hastily to not go see my brother's body, and now of course it's way too late, he was cremated. I feel like my mother followed my recommendation and I was wrong.

[enna]

Hello Ann,

I just want to check in with you to see how you made out for the holidays. You were not looking forward to Thanksgiving. I hope the day went better than how you thought it would. I am sorry that you are feeling that 'guilt and regret' thing. Many go through it. My thinking about that is we do the best we can in the moment. You are in my thoughts. Anne