My Brother

[AnnC]

Thanks, Anne, you're so sweet to check on me! Thanksgiving went pretty well. My sisters went to their respective inlaws', and I spent it with my mother and aunt. We did talk about my brother quite a lot, and that was good. We had a nice time.

This coming Friday is his birthday, so my sisters and mother and I are going to go to lunch and visit the mausoleum where he is interred with my dad, and all our grandparents and great-grandparents too. This was my mother's request, and my second sister is flying in from Montana to be with us. It will be sad but we'll all be supported by each other. Then we will decorate my mother's house for Christmas because we know she won't have the energy or perhaps the heart to do it, but when there are no decorations she gets depressed.

Thanks for the support on the guilt and regret. I am fortunate, I had a good relationship with my brother and the guilt and regrets are minimal, but it does seem that our brains will look for something to beat ourselves up with! In thinking about it, I believe my brother would not want us to remember him as dead, but as we knew him. Even though he did think we should all see my dad's body, but that was more to see him at peace after months of suffering through cancer treatments. In my brother's case, he was healthy and happy right up to the accident, so it's better to remember him like that.

[enna]

Dear Ann,

I am so glad that your Thanksgiving went pretty well. I’m so glad that you talked about your brother and that you had a nice time. Friday you go to lunch and the mausoleum and I hope it is good for you and your sisters and mother. This could be a challenge for you. You are brave to be doing this and honoring your Mother’s request. Let me know how the day went. Did you get the house decorated for Christmas for your Mother?

You are brave and it sounds like you have nothing to be guilty about when it comes to decisions made about your brother. Our brains really do have a way of playing tricks on us, don’t they?

We do have much to think about during the holidays. Peace to you and I know that you know this site is here for us. I still remember when you gave me the advice that people here are here to support us and we shouldn’t apologize and that some people even want to reach out their hand. Thank you for that.

I like the peridot pendent next to your name. ‘Tears of Pele.’ It’s very pretty. It is also my daughter’s birthstone. Anne

[kayc]

Ann,

It's so hard for me to understand how a grief counselor could treat you so horribly! Some people shouldn't be in their profession!

I have four sisters and a brother and we're very close. I cannot imagine losing any of them but I know that time lies ahead. A couple of years ago I came very very close to losing two sisters at the same time and miraculously they both pulled through. That close brush with death impacted me. My mom cut off contact with me (for a time) for letting her know my sister was in the hospital, because she can't handle focus being on anyone but her. Now my mom is in a Dementia Care facility and I realize how life changes and never stays the same. I am so sorry you are grieving the loss of your brother, you have had so much to bear in your life. I know you are a strong person and will survive but I also know that doesn't make your loss any less...it is just plain old hard to go through. You are someone I admire so much and my prayers are with you.

[missyme]

I haven't posted for a long time and I wish I had been on sooner to see your post. I lost my brother suddenly too and it is a unique grief to lose a sibling.

I heard someone say "it doesn't get easier, you just get better at dealing with it". I think that's true. Hang in there.

[AnnC]

Thank you, missyme. I know I will cry for a long time, probably forever, but less often as time goes by. I feel a great hole where he was, and that's hard. I know I will never get over it, but I know I can live with it. Because I still live with the loss of my husband and my father. Loss is part of life. The part that sucks!

[LynnHopeThomas]

I lost my twin sisters when I was 9 they were 11. It was pretty hard when the first one died, I felt fortunate that one was still with me, and then the dreaded day came when Mum turned up at school, I instinctively knew that they were both gone. Back then there was no undertsanding about sibling grief and so no-one spoke to me and it created a massive void that has spanned 40 years. the pain is something I am all too familiar with, and its something that has repeated time and time again....that is....until I discovered a whole new approach to grief, my world began opening up and I now feel blessed with tools that can help other people. I actually believe that my mission in this life to help others who are in that dark place, but not with traditional methods of counselling. I have written a book and it describes my journey which people may or may not relate to, it took a lot of strength to write the book and I hope that it can help other greivers.

[kayc]

What is the name of your book? (If Marty doesn't mind...I know we aren't supposed to use the forum to promote things). Losing your sisters at such a young age must have been tremendously hard. It's good that you have learned so much through the process of the grief journey and are willing to let it be used for good. That reminds me of a Bible verse...Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 What I derive from this is that some of the purpose in our going through hard places is so that we can comfort others who also go through these things. At least it's something.