Illness After Bereavement

[Wifflesnook]

Dearest friends in grief

I mentioned in another post how poorly I have been. Over a week ago I woke up with pain in my left abdomen and a general feeling of illness (that is an understatement). I made an appointment with the gp but in the end decided I couldn't get there and a neighbour called him out. I couldn't eat and just stayed in bed. He diagnosed probable diverticulitis and prescribed two antibiotics. I took them and felt if anything even worse as not only did I have diarrhoea but I was also vomiting. He took me off one. The diarrhoea continued but I carried on with the tablets. I stayed in bed as I didn't feel I could get up (this is so unlike me as since Pete died four months ago I have been trying to do stuff). Anyway I just felt wretched all the time. Then my little dog developed cystitis and there was no one to take her to the vet which is 9 miles away so yesterday I managed to get up and get her there. It doesn't seem to be a serious problem thank goodness. Anyway last night my neighbour who has been wonderful told me she thinks staying in bed is making me worse. I think I agree with her and I have to try to get up at least for a short time. My stomach is still painful and if it doesn't settle down I think I may have to go back to the gp. I still feel really ill and weak but the worst thing I think is how totally grief stricken I feel. My neighbour thinks my body and mind are connected and I do too. I know I have a genuine illness but I think it's being made worse by my intense grief which is kind of suppressed. I should be going to a family wedding today. The plan was for me to drive 80 miles, stay with our daughter a day, then drive her and her two little ones 130 miles to the wedding down south. We were staying at a lovely hotel for two nights. Everyone assumed I was lookimg forward to attending what will be a very happy family occasion. I knew I was dreading it. I'm glad I won't be going even though they will all be so sad I won't be there. I wonder if all these things are connected? To me feeling the illness it just feels like a physical illness but I know how mind and body are connected. I sometimes feel as though I might just be opting out of life by taking to my bed. I am going to try really hard today to get myself up even though I don't want to in the slightest bit. I'm wondering if anti depressants would help me? When the gp visited he said he didn't think so. And I agreed because what would they do? But if this illness is exacerbated by the grief maybe they would? I long to get back even to how I was before I got ill even though that was not in a good place. But at least then I got up every day, made myself a meal, walked the dog, saw my daughter every two weeks either by her coming here or me driving there. Lookimg back I was doing ok though totally overwhelmed by grief.

Well thanks for listening and worth for " me" post but if not here where?

Jan

[mfh]

Jan, I know how sick you have been and the antibiotics have contributed to that as well as helping. I am glad that Kelbi will be ok and that you will start getting up more and more. Being sick alone is no fun. That I know. As for body/mind, my take on it is that the grief and stress affects our immune system and when we get sick it last longer, takes more to get back on our feet and symptoms are worse. I am no MD, however. But the stress and grief certainly plays a role in how we feel physically. I can attest to that.

I hope you feel a bit better today.

Peace

Mary

[enna]

Jan,

You are in my thoughts. We have to take care of ourselves. That is part of the progression of our journey. I'm so sorry that you are having some physical signs. In my opinion, mind and body are one and we need to care for both. Thank you for all you share it helps for the rest of us to be on the look out. enna

[kayc]

Jan,

Wow, you sure have your plate full right now! I wish your daughter could come stay with you for a few days. I would love to see you examined by a doctor to see what this pain is about. The Diarrhea could be from the medicine, you could google your Rx and see if that is a side effect, if so, perhaps the doctor could try something else if it persists. That in itself could be depleting you. Make sure you drink plenty of clear liquids! Ask him if it's safe for you to take some Imodium...usually you start with two pills, then just one subsequently, I think it's no more than four in 24 hours but you'd have to read the bottle to make sure.

As for the antidepressant, I'm surprised he isn't willing to try something, some are milder than others and if you could use the boost to get through this period. My doctor offered to prescribe something when George died but I toughed it out...in looking back I wonder if that was the right decision.

I hope your doggie gets better! Do keep us posted on your situation. If you're in that much pain, I don't know how you're supposed to be up on your feet...just try not to overdo and if there's anything that brings you relief, any good movie or great book or soft music, or company, go for it! Maybe try a long bubblebath?

[mfh]

Came across this piece today in my email. It also has some links that might interest you, Jan. It is on the relationship between body and mind. Hope you are feeling better. I know as I post this you are hopefully sound asleep over there in England....and that you wake up feeling better.

http://www.care2.com/greenliving/your-body-and-mind-relationship-revealed.html

Peace and health,

Mary

[Guest babylady]

there is a connection between mind and body. grief can affect the immune system. if you have diviticulitis, did the doctor tell you that you can't eat certain things like pop corn, nuts, etc. my friend has it.

hope you feel better soon.

hugs.

[Wifflesnook]

The doctor is coming to see me today. He said i might have to go into hospital for tests. I suppose I might though I still wonder how much of this is psychosomatic. Am still feeling really bad. Well I have to wait to find out I suppose.

[mfh]

Jan, I am sorry you are feeling so ill. I hope they do put you in the hospital for tests...you must get to the bottom of this. Psychosomatic is still a very real bodily illness. It just means it has a component that is of the mind. An ulcer can be psychosomatic but it is still an ulcer. I hope you can get in for some tests.

Peace

Mary

[MartyT]

Jan, I agree with Mary. Far better to rule out whatever may be causing this than to wish you had discovered it sooner. We're all hoping and praying that you feel better and get well soon ♥

[Wifflesnook]

Dear all

The gp came and examined me throughout. My temperature was fine and my bp was ok. He couldn't find anything problematical when he felt my tummy and he said he thought it wasn't diverticulitis after all but a severe stomach bug. He suggested something to stop the diarrhoea, rest, no food if I don't feel like it and plenty of fluids. No hospital admittance. He said my immune system will be very lowered because of the grief and I was more likely to get something. I can't say I feel any better but am so relieved not to have to go into hospital. I feel he is right. I kind of wish he had suggested anti depressants but I will try to manage without them for the time being. Whilst I have been confined to bed ive been doing a lot of reading and listening about survival after death. Not being a believer in Christianity I've been lookimg at Buddhist beliefs as well as other spiritual paths as well as near death experiences. None of them give me much comfort because I want to put the clock back and any idea which makes me confront Petes death makes me turn away. Unrealistic but I know you will all knw exactly what I mean. Jan

[mfh]

Jan, I am glad the doctor got there. I still think a trip to ER is a good idea...where they could do some actual tests but then I am not there and I am not a physician. It just seems like a long time that you have been so sick.

I am reading George Anderson's newest book, Ask George Anderson. He is a medium here in the states and I had a session with him about 5 months after Bill died. He has an outstanding reputation. I see you searching for some evidence of an afterlife and his book is loaded with as much evidence as we here, in our bodies, will probably ever get for now. He has done thousands of readings over 50 years and my session with him was extremely comforting. He has been tested at several hospitals as a step towards understanding what goes on in his brain as he does a reading. You might find his book comforting as this one is about what he has learned from the souls (as he calls those who have died) over the years. It is Q&A format and I found it comforting as he shares so much of his experiences with the reader. I think it is excellent for anyone seeking information about the hereafter. He is very direct and sheds his light on some of what we are confused about.

I hope you feel better soon. I hope you can increase the frequency of your sessions with the grief counselor you met with a couple of times. That might also help. I am sorry this is such a tough journey. I know we all understand.

Peace,

Mary

[Wifflesnook]

Dearest Mary

I will get that book. I am searching very hard as I think it's the only thing that can keep me going :-(

I managed to eat a small breakfast and a small lunch today which is a forward step. I also managed to get a small walk. Feeling rather frail and very sad though. Am starting to do meditation as maybe that will help me too.

[mfh]

Just needed to check in, Jan, and glad to see that you are up, dressed and walking. I am glad. i know you are not back 100% but better than a week ago. I totally understand the sadness...this is such a tough journey we are called to. I was reading a bit more in Anderson's book and there are sentences in there that are extremely comforting. My friend, where i am for the day, was laughing how I actually highlighted one entire page and much on other pages and have dozens of post its sticking out. It is how I read a book. But the book is helpful and having spent time with this man....I sensed an honesty in him that was also comforting. Peace to your heart. Remember it is only weeks since Pete died. You are raw and in some shock also. Day by Day!!!

Mary

[kayc]

Jan, I'm glad the doctor paid you a visit and relieved you don't have Diverticulitis! Keep getting rest and getting well. I agree with Mary, Psychosomatic or not, it doesn't mean it isn't real or felt. Yes, mind and body definitely affect one another.

[Wifflesnook]

Thank you all. Slight improvement in me today. Onward and upward if I can. This illness has made my sadness worse if that were possible. Have to rebuild somehow. What is the alternative? Am getting really interested in Buddhist thought and similar spiritual belief as conventional Christianity doesn't connect with me. I so need to feel that I can connect with Pete at some level. It's a long hard path.

[mfh]

Thank you all. Slight improvement in me today. Onward and upward if I can. This illness has made my sadness worse if that were possible. Have to rebuild somehow. What is the alternative? Am getting really interested in Buddhist thought and similar spiritual belief as conventional Christianity doesn't connect with me. I so need to feel that I can connect with Pete at some level. It's a long hard path.

So glad you are improving. Yes, you can. Yes, you can!!! I think when we feel sick, our emotions seem worse. I had pneumonia shortly after Bill died and my sadness seems worse. When we are sick we do not function at our best, of course and everything looks bad. At least when I am really sick (which is not often, thank goodness) that is what happens. Peace, Mary

[Guest babylady]

glad you're feeling better. i suffer from several illnesses and i'm sure the grief has made them worse. i cry for hours every day. where do all the tears come from? will it ever stop? will i ever feel better? i can't imagine my future. john was my life.

have you thought about a reading with a medium? i had one and it helped.

[Wifflesnook]

I have thought about it but am in the uk and miles away from the nearest town. I don't really believe in them but I would like to.

[Guest babylady]

I have thought about it but am in the uk and miles away from the nearest town. I don't really believe in them but I would like to.

mine was done by phone. the medium was across the country. if you decide to do it make sure the person is reliable. i not only connected with john, but with my mom. there were several other relatives there but they didn't speak. john had a lot to say.

[Dwaynecg]

Dear Jan,

I was just like you after the passing of my wife Pauline, a little over 18 months ago. The first 2 weeks, I was fine. Then I felt like I was hit by a freight train. I got so sick, my Doctors done all kinds of test and found nothing. But I had all the same symptoms as you have described. I never went on anti- biotic's, but I did go on the lowest dose of an anti depressant, and anxiety medication for a while. It took about 4 weeks, but I was finally able to get out of bed and start a life again.

Pauline and I have been Christians for a very long time. She had, Multiple Sclerosis, and lived with it for just over 17 years before it took her life. Without our faith we would have never made it for all those years of suffering. In the end her FAITH was so strong it made me strong, She never complained about her illness no matter how painful and hard it got for her. We were best friends, soul mate, our spirits were, and still are as one. She passed with such Grace, her last breath was she told me, " I love you too" . No tears from her, now me of course I cried. I still do from time to time. I live by my faith, and my faith alone. I have done many great things after my wife of 33 years passed away.

I am not here to say who is right or wrong, that is everyone's own choice in life. I am just telling you, that you are not alone, when you became ill after the passing of your husband. That the right medication can help, and you do not have to stay on them for a long time.

God Bless,

Dwayne

[Wifflesnook]

Thank you Dwayne. From what I have read illness after such a dreadful loss is very common. It's so hard feeling ill when you are used to a loving partner to take care of you. Pete was lovely when I was poorly and I hope that I was for him. In fact that is one thing that gives me comfort. After the stroke I gave everything to him. He wasn't always aware of what I was doing but I feel comforted that I didn't fail him in any big way apart from not being with him when he died :-(

I have to pick myself up and carry on now though I feel an even deeper reluctance to do it. I don't have your strong faith and I never will but I am beginning to come to some feeling that Pete must be with me in some way and I hope as I move forward along this hard path this will help me. It's so good to talk.

[Dwaynecg]

Jan,

Part of being a long time caregiver, I am talking about 5 years or more. I even quite my job of 27 years to care for Pauline, for what turned out to be her last 2 1/2 years of her life. I was only working about 5 hours a day anyway, and could leave work anytime I needed to. I was up at 4: 00 AM and to bed around 11:30 PM . What I did not know is that I thought I was fine. After Pauline passed, and I got over the first round of being sick, I wound up in the hospital, and had to have an operation. As it turned out it was done on Pauline's 5 month date she passed. As they were waking me up in the recovery room, the last thing I had seen was Pauline's face, Happy, Healthily, and Smiling. It was a true gift from God, to show me she was alright an waiting until it is my time to join her. Many times after that I have heard her voice, felt her in bed next to me, I could even her breathing. I know we are still connected in our spirit, and soul. So yes I walk, and live by my Faith, I have seen first hand how it has impacted our lives from day one.

Again I am not telling you not to look into other types of beliefs, whatever you find makes you comfortable is up to you.

I wish, and pray, you will find peace and comfort in your heart and soul, after all that is what we are all here for. Grief is so different for everyone, we all go through at our own pace. Please, just take it easy for now until your brain gets back into sink, and your body has time to heal, all the rest will come in its own time, as you become ready for the next step. Grief is a path we all here are on, we walk one step at a time. It is also like being on an ocean, sometimes the water is calm, then a great storm blows up, and you get tossed all over, deep under the water, where light hardly shines, you are so sure you will never make back to the light and the air you breath again. Then the waters calm, and there you are back up in the sunlight feeling the warmth of the sun warming you again. We have all been though this many times, but as we journey down our path. These waves get less, we find ways to handle them when they do hit, HOV is a great place for that. Local support groups are also another great place for help with grief. Me I help people in my church one on one who have lost loved ones with their grief. I get 10 more than I give although, they really like my support and what I can offer them.

I tell everyone the best thing you can do is to talk about no matter how much it may hurt. The more you talk about your loss of Pete, the more times you tell your story, you heal bit by bit. I have talked to so many people, as I walk along the water, here where I live, I find most will listen, and give kind in return.

God Bless,

Dwayne

[Wifflesnook]

Dear Dwayne

Thank you. I do feel a tiny lifting of my spirits when I talk about Pete. I have dreamed of him a few times. I am reading lots of books and some of them help a little bit. I did my first proper long walk with the dog today so that is something. But I feel deeply deeply sad. Just asked my neighbour to take the ashes urn to the funeral director and they will bring Petes ashes here so I can keep them near me. I don't know if this will help me. It seems unlikely but you never know. Thanks for prayers.

Jan

[kayc]

Jan,

I would think it'd bring some comfort to have his ashes nearby. I spread George's in my back yard, the same place I buried my dog and cat, I told my kids when it's my time, that's where I want mine scattered. Whatever brings you peace and comfort...

[Dwaynecg]

Dear Jan,

I agree with Kay. Pauline and I both made a decision in 1996 to donate our bodies to sciences, no matter which one of may have passed first. We always knew it would be Pauline, because of the progressive type of MS she had. After she passed, her bodies was taken to a medical school in Boston, MA. I live in Somerset MA. It was a little over a year later they sent her ashes back. I ordered a really nice heart shaped pendant made for ashes and filled it along with a small Victorian green bottle, that Pauline had bought for some of her ashes for me to keep. The on the 17 day of May of this year, I graduated from nursing school, came home, now this was a Thursday, and a fine sunny day, and scatter the rest of her ashes in the back yard. The is a real nice island area with trees, and ivy vines, we have laid to rest our first little dog Cassie, and Pauline' helping hands monkey that passed from a stomach virus a couple years before she did. May 17, was the day I met her in Kansas, I was from the mountains of Colorado and Pauline was from Fall River Massachusetts. I read a passage out of my Bible in Hebrews. Of course I cried my eyes out. It took me over a year what most persons done soon after the loss of their loved one. That night at Thursday night service, our Pastor was reading from the same chapter of Hebrews, I had just read over Pauline ashes. That is why my faith is so strong. Pauline is always with me in my heart and soul, but also I have some of her with all the time. You will find peace with Pete being around you, in your home. I hope that this can, bring you some peace, and comfort.

God Bless,

Dwayne