kayc Posted September 28, 2012 Report Share Posted September 28, 2012 I probably would too if I could afford them, but refuse to give up food for hearing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wifflesnook Posted September 29, 2012 Report Share Posted September 29, 2012 They take some getting used to Mary. Several months actually. But you do get used to them. Still nt much good in large gatherings though. I hate how people patronise people with hearing problems as though we were stupid as well as deaf! But never mind it's just something we have to be tolerant about. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted September 29, 2012 Author Report Share Posted September 29, 2012 Thanks, Jan. This particular kind of hearing aid has a setting on the remote for noisy restaurants. I shall see if they are effective. As for people judging others, I think we have both had the lesson reinforced that until people walk in another's shoes or become wounded deeply...they just can not comprehend the pain, losses or even small things like reparable hearing issues that some are called on to deal with. My ability to be accepting and compassionate and non-judgmental has increased dramatically since Bill died. I NOW not only know grief up close and personal (which I thought I did before having walked what i thought was deep grief many times) but knowing this gut wrenching grief (which I feel/live every day) has served to remind me of all the other painful life situations people have to deal with every day. My compassion, empathy etc. seems to have generalized to include all of them...Bill was always like that, and I was pretty decent about it, but he was a great teacher for more than half my life. Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted September 29, 2012 Report Share Posted September 29, 2012 I burst out loud laughing at Jan's remark, oh how well I know that one! My sister is quadriplegic and when they did the emergency tracheotomy 45 years ago, they butchered her vocal chords so it's extremely difficult for her to communicate. What people don't realize is she was a straight A student at the U of O, she has a photographic memory, a terrific sense of humor and speaks French fluently as well (she used to live in Paris). They look past her and direct their questions to us, and we tell them to ask HER, then if we have to help interpret her we do. I hate how they look past her as if she's a non-person or stupid or something. If only they could live in her shoes just for ONE DAY! I think it'd be a life changing experience for us all. She is one of the most amazing people I've ever known, she has so much tolerance and patience, and it has all served to just further develop her amazing sense of humor! I love her dearly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missing him Posted September 29, 2012 Report Share Posted September 29, 2012 Mary - what a day yesterday was for you. I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend. I'm amazed at how you look at things and remain positive through everything. I wish I was at that place in my life. Good luck with those hearing aids. Awwhhh...the joys of getting old Take Care, Missing Him Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted September 29, 2012 Author Report Share Posted September 29, 2012 Dear Missing Him, I truly do not feel very positive. I have tears, if not in my eyes, they are just behind my eyes most of the time. I feel lost and sad most of the time. Maybe because I am more used to this process, I sound positive or maybe I am misleading you by not sharing all the times that i sit here and feel hopeless, alone, sad, lost, empty, and more. I also feel that I am right where I am supposed to be... I believe I can be positive and sad at the same time and that I can be grieving and also feel like it is just what it is. I saw your latest post about seeing your therapist and her suggestions. All I can tell you is that at 5 months I was just coming out of the fog and shock. That was September 2010 and I remember it well. I was a royal mess. I still feel that way SOME days, not all by any means...but it has been 2.5 years not 5 months. I know, for me, this journey calls for an extreme amount of patience with the process. I think the fact that you are going to work every day, taking care of the dogs, reading, getting food in...is pretty big stuff. I know I was still wailing often at 5 months. Not that any of us do this journey the same way. I just know it is the toughest thing that has ever happened to me and it always will be (nothing worse can happen...truly) and at 5 months your journey is so so so new. Listen to your own heart in regards to all suggestions but also take them seriously and look hard at them. You know yourself better than anyone on the planet. Re: meds, talk to the therapist about them and explain how you feel about them. As for the journey: it is a long one. And we are all here with you trekking along...healing very very very slowly. Peace, Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missing him Posted September 29, 2012 Report Share Posted September 29, 2012 Thank you Mary. I don't want to spend the rest of my life grieving but I think that is how it will be. You share feelings that I have and you are 2.5 years in to this process. Ths is the worse thing to go through for sure and I hate every minute of it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted September 29, 2012 Author Report Share Posted September 29, 2012 You are welcome, missing him. I think I will always grieve the loss of Bill but I do see it getting easier..if that is a good word. It sounds like you are expecting that improvement too soon. One day at a time with patience. Awesome autumn day here. Just took Bentley for a long walk, ended up at my friend's tea house (she has outside chairs) and a few friends were there...the circle grew, then got smaller, then grew and the hit of the time was, of course, Bentley. He was pretty good once he got past his excitement. He even let several dogs walk by without responding beyond a low whine. I was dressed for tonight's play and it was hot in the sun. As soon as that sun hits the horizon the temps drop so now I will get the down jacket out for the play. Patience....listen to your own heart, Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missing him Posted September 30, 2012 Report Share Posted September 30, 2012 It seems that I'm expected to get over my husband dying. I have a boss that is "military background" and if he can't fix it he doesn't know how to deal with it. He doesn't "feel". My parents seem to think I need to get in the "right mind frame" and say I have another 40 years at least and can't continue like this. This is hard enough to go through and dealing with these kind of expectations that I am not able to do... I love autumn weather. Glad you are taking it all in. Bentley did good it sounds like. I went for a walk yesterday. I cried the entire time, looking up to the blue sky talking outloud to Jeff. Hope you have a nice day. Missing Him Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted September 30, 2012 Report Share Posted September 30, 2012 Good boy, Bentley! I'm not the trainer you are. How long before you get your hearing aids, Mary? Let us know how it goes, I hope it's a swift and easy adjustment. Missing him, Try not to pay any attention to your boss, he is just out of his element when it comes to empathy. We AREN'T supposed to "just get over them" and can't. We all deal with it differently and have to go our own pace. No one at my job gets it either and I don't discuss it with them. They are all young and have never been through anything like this. My sisters seem to understand, even though they haven't experienced it either, but they're more caring. Just remember you can always come here to be understood and we're always listening... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wifflesnook Posted September 30, 2012 Report Share Posted September 30, 2012 Dear Mssing Him Have you looked at the web site Widow's Voice? Quite a few of them, sadly, are young, and you will find some wise and empathetic words there. Jan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted September 30, 2012 Author Report Share Posted September 30, 2012 Dear missing him, Your boss does not comprehend at all what losing your husband is like. Your parents apparently do not either. For me, the key has been letting go of my expectations that my siblings know what to say or do, even when I tell directly, clearly and gently. I no longer expect them to say the things I need to hear. It is sad as, of all people, we expect those who love us, especially family to support us properly. I have a ton of friends but there are only a handful in the inner circle. It is a matter of being open but not expecting. This group is a great place and I wonder if you are in a support group through Hospice or some other organization or working with a grief counselor for some face to face support. 5 months after Bill died, I was at my brother's monastery along with my sister and BIL. We were together 4 days and only once (when my sister came across a photo of Bill) did any of them even mention his name. I was shocked and told them (too late) how hurt I was. The outcome was not good and it changed our relationship ever since. I tried everything I could, used all my skills as well as my soul, to communicate with them in an appropriate way but it all fell apart. So I just do not turn to them for support and sadly do not share much at all of my journey. I protect myself from what I call "unsafe" people and am learning which ones are safe. Occasionally I misread it but am getting better. It all makes an extremely painful and lonely journey lonelier and more painful but it is just what it is. This journey is unique to each of us. It takes a long time when our lives have been turned upsidedown and insideout and our loved one, the person we trusted most on this earth, the routine, the taken for granteds, the safety, the warmth, the being first in someone's life, the company always available...and so much much more...is just plain gone and we are left alone to struggle through all this. It takes a long time....your family wants you happy and just do not know what to say. I suppose you might give them some articles from Marty's site about what to say to those who grieve and what not to say and what grief is all about. Might be worth a try but NO expectations. That is what gets me in trouble. Peace to your heart, Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted September 30, 2012 Author Report Share Posted September 30, 2012 Kay, I get my hearing aids Tuesday. I also have my paint group Tuesday so it will be a good test. I know there is an adjustment period so we shall see. I officially start my new "schedule" tomorrow. I need to put some structure in my days so my time in the desert, the cocoon, if you will are more beneficial. I plan to scan email in the a.m. to see if there is anything pressing. Then put the computer aside until 4 or 5pm so I can focus on my yoga, PT exercises, journal, art, walk dog and meditate. I start a Mindfulness course soon to refresh myself and well, just for support in my own meditation and mindfulness practice. I read today for three hours and could not put this book down...I underlined so much in it that I finally quit and just decided the entire book would be underlined. Its contents brought me incredible comfort and put me in the quietest place I have been in, I think since Bill died. It put me in the spiritual place I have missed so much. I know it was in part my choice to forego turning on any monitors (TV, iPad, Ipod, Android, Laptop) until close to2pm my time. It made me realize what I already knew....that i need to avoid all those until later in the day. It is one I mentioned before: Beauty by John O'Donohue...it touches my soul....and the last two chapters are especially meaningful. I am taking a quiet day. I should get Bentley a pair of PJs also. Peace Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missing him Posted October 1, 2012 Report Share Posted October 1, 2012 You are so right. It is just sad that I'm told by my grief counselor not to go through this all alone yet it doesn't seem as though I have the support system (outside of coming here). Missing him, Try not to pay any attention to your boss, he is just out of his element when it comes to empathy. We AREN'T supposed to "just get over them" and can't. We all deal with it differently and have to go our own pace. No one at my job gets it either and I don't discuss it with them. They are all young and have never been through anything like this. My sisters seem to understand, even though they haven't experienced it either, but they're more caring. Just remember you can always come here to be understood and we're always listening... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missing him Posted October 1, 2012 Report Share Posted October 1, 2012 I have not seen this yet. I will check it out. Thank you. Dear Mssing Him Have you looked at the web site Widow's Voice? Quite a few of them, sadly, are young, and you will find some wise and empathetic words there. Jan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missing him Posted October 1, 2012 Report Share Posted October 1, 2012 Mary, I agree. I need to stop expecting things as sad as it is. I haven't gone to a support group through Hospice yet. I'm thinking about it more. I did give family articles of what to say and not to say, etc. I know they just want the best for me and like you, I can't share too much of my journey... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted October 1, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 1, 2012 I think the support group is a great idea. You can trust Hospice. You might make a friend or two or at least someone to do coffee with. Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wifflesnook Posted October 1, 2012 Report Share Posted October 1, 2012 It's so sad when the people we love just don't seem able to give us what we need. I have no brother or sister alive, but I have a son and a daughter. My daughter, a single mother, has a two year old and a baby and isn't able to do much for me (its the other way round) but she is warm and loving. My son, who is married but with no children, and won't be having any, just doesn't seen able to reach out to me. I don't think he has the temperament to do it. I think he is doing his own grieving for his Dad but it doesn't involve me. So I have some friends who I can turn to and this forum but sometimes I wish I had more because the lack of my loving Pete in my life has left a gap so huge it can't be expressed. I suppose we all have expectations of how people should be, but unfortunately they don't always come up to those expectations. And we don't want to tell them how to behave. We want it to come naturally. I'd love to be able to reach out to my son as I think we would bith benefit but it isn't going to happen. We may not be geographically close to each other on this forum, we may not be able to exchange hugs with each other but we surely do understand. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 1, 2012 Report Share Posted October 1, 2012 I think it was Mary that posted somewhere that it made a difference to her when she changed/let go of her expectation. Sometimes family just fails us. My own daughter rarely has anything to do with me, we never had a rift, were close when she was growing up, but she just apparently sees no need of me or caring for me in her life. My son would reach out more but he's two hours away and busy attending school, double major, recently married, so he just doesn't have much time. It's up to me to get through this by myself. I am lucky I have my sisters that care, but they aren't nearby, we talk on the phone and email. My friends have had a way of disappearing, moving, etc. so not a lot of them but can talk to the couple I have. I guess we learn to make do with what we have and keep going somehow. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnnC Posted October 2, 2012 Report Share Posted October 2, 2012 I know that when my ex-husband died I was devastated, and we weren't even married anymore. But I still loved him. I remember the pain of coming out of shock at around 5-6 months. I cried every day for two years, and then every other day for two more years. Slowly, the edges of the pain wear a little smoother over time, and it still hurts, but not with jagged edges anymore. I imagine it will take even longer if you are still married to your loved spouse. So give yourself a break, it takes a lot of time. I found that it did destroy my life, and I had to build a new life. That's how it works. Especially because my ex WAS an ex, I got little sympathy. People couldn't understand why I would care. But I loved him enough to marry him, and although he realized later he was gay, and we divorced, we still cared deeply for each other. One sister and my brother were sympathetic, but the other sister and my parents didn't think I should be upset at all. Friends were clueless. Even my grief group was puzzled that I would be so upset, but my counselor was wonderful. Now, 8 years later, I still miss him and always will. The pain comes and goes less frequently now, but it still hurts at times. I can live with it. My brother was killed 6 weeks ago. Again the shock and pain, and tears breaking out when you least expect it. I have a better idea of what to expect, but it is different with each loss. Friends are more sympathetic since he is not an ex-brother! But most people still expect you to have the funeral and then be "over it". I learned to seek out those who understand, and went back to my resources (including this site) for comfort and understanding. And with this loss, my sister and mother are more able to "get it", since they suffered the loss too. My niece read something at the memorial service that I liked, because it counteracts society's expectations. It is from Ecclesiastes 7:2-6: Better to go to the house of mourning Than to go to the house of feasting, For that is the end of all men; And the living will take it to heart. Sorrow is better than laughter, For by a sad countenance the heart is made better. The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning, But the heart of fools is in the house of mirth. It is better to hear the rebuke of the wise Than for a man to hear the song of fools. For like the crackling of thorns under a pot, So is the laughter of the fool. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 2, 2012 Report Share Posted October 2, 2012 Ann, You have such a deep capacity for love, I remember you well, you touched my life greatly, because in spite of all of the pain he unwittingly caused you, you had the ability to look beyond all of that and love him anyway. Because of that, the two of you were able to remain friends and your love will continue. I remember your story beyond anyone's I have read, it was amazing...and I want you to know, I get it. A lot of people have not been able to understand how I could continue a friendship and still deeply care for my ex-fiance...he was a little messed up, and he didn't feel he could continue our relationship as it was, I understand that...I don't agree with how he broke it off, it was cowardly and wrong but then, there really is no perfect or easy way, is there? It takes time to forgive, time to heal, time to move on from expectations and what you felt "should have been" to the quiet knowing acceptance of "what is" and to love the person for who they are, lock, stock, and barrel. People should never judge another person's love...or another person's grief. Your grief is for a loss you endured, a loss for a love, and there is no limit, no boxing in, the kinds of love we can have for one another. I am sorry you are going through this again, this time with your brother. My heart goes out to you as you go through yet another loss. Thank you for sharing Ecclesiastes with us, it makes sense. It is in these times that we develop empathy and caring...not in the times of laughter. It takes bravery and strength to make it through hard times, but anyone can ride out the good times. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missing him Posted October 3, 2012 Report Share Posted October 3, 2012 Ann - of course you still love your ex. It is unfortunate that there will always be people that just don't get it. I'm so sorry to hear about your brother. Thank you for sharring what your niece read at the Memorial. Good stuff. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnnC Posted October 3, 2012 Report Share Posted October 3, 2012 Thanks, missing him and kayc. Of course, laughter and feasting are also appropriate. But our society seems to think mourning is a disease to get over quickly. I like the verse because it says to me that the heart is made better by facing the fact that we are all mortal, and that mourning a loved one is actually healing. Giving in to the mourning. It was a long hard road for me to learn to stop fighting the grieving process when my ex died. Two years later my father died, and now my brother. Each grieving process felt different but had a basic similarity which now I can recognize in my grief over my brother, that it's normal and so I don't fight it, which helps. But they all left sadness in my life. It's comforting to remind myself that sadness is a normal part of life. As a close friend pointed out, life is a balance of dark and light, joy and mourning. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now