Today I Have Been 'stugged'

[enna]

I have removed this...

[mfh]

Dear Enna,

Just returned from walking my Bentley (dog) and headed to the studio to paint...saw your message and am so glad you will call re piano lessons. You used the phrase "almost a death of myself". In a sense this loss is a death of yourself because you are changed by it forever. The old you is no longer. A new you is emerging and facing the pain is the only way through it. I am so glad you are stepping into it. Just remember you don't have to push yourself, just be present.

I saw this on Facebook this morning. Dr. Joanne Cacciatore, teaches the dead ed classes at AZ State University. The students call her Dr. Death. She is amazing, lost a child, founded MISS for parents who have lost a child. This is what came out of one of her classes.

http://drjoanne.blogspot.com/2012/09/recipe-for-raw-grief.html

Peace to your heart,

Mary

[kayc]

Enna,

Interesting word, "stugged". Sounds about like what it stands for! I too was afraid of being alone the rest of my life...I'm not now. It took me years but I'm finally okay with it. I think that fear is what led to my remarriage that was a disaster, so I'm glad to finally be comfortable being alone with myself.

[mfh]

Enna,

You said, :"I am afraid of the depth of emotion that I might feel during this grief journey. I'm afraid of the word bereave, I am afraid of being alone the rest of my life without the man I've loved for forty years."

I understand those fears. I know you are not alone with them. Since none of us have traveled this road of spousal loss before, we do not really know how deep those feelings are. And the thought of being alone after having a loving relationship is scary at first. I find now after 2+ years that I am less afraid of the grief because I have survived so far....that is where time DOES play a role. We see that we survive each day. As for being alone, time helps there also. I find I only want Bill for the rest of my life. I have no interest and haven't in another relationship but I feel less frightened of being alone. The loneliness for Bill is huge....just having him here, sharing the little things like meals, walks, sort of taking for granted that someone is there and that I am first in someone's life. I am no longer first in anyone's life (except my dog...which does help). I also think about aging and possibly being sick alone. But then I use my tactic...of pulling myself into today. I prepare as best I can and then try hard to live a day at a time. Sometimes those days are tough for sure. This week was tough...today is tough...but living in the present moment helps a lot.

You are in the early days so just be kind to yourself today, eat well, walk, see friends....and let the tears flow as needed.

Peace to your heart,

Mary