Cannot Resume Life Wothout Bubby

[yold]

I lost my cat Bubby in the spring and have been unable to resume my life.

In breif, this is the story. I bought an acre of land near a river to build my home. Before the house was even built this cat showed up and started to talk to me. I never knew a cat like that before (I've had many) this one actually talked to me in many ways and he followed me everwhere and wanted to share in my every moment. After the house was built he moved in. Little did I know it but for the next 12 years, Bubby would invade the depths of my heart and become my companion and best freind. We would spend many hours strolling the grounds of my home together during the summer and even indoors, he was always by my side in my office, my workshop or living room.

Three years ago, Bubby came in one day, let out a painfull houl and hid in a box. I took him to the vet and they did an ultrasound and told me he had a slightly enlarged heart but it was nothing serious. Then, last fall, he fell ill so I took him to the vet and they told me he was diabetic. They put him on insulin but he improved only a little. So I took him to a special hospital where they did some scans and told me he had tumors in his pancreas. They gave me two choices - operate (the outcome of operating could not be predicted) or put him to sleep. I decided to take him home with high doses of insulin and pain medication. I couldnt accept either of thier proposals - putting him to sleep or operating and having him die of complications.

Just one more moment with that prescious animal meant the world to me. He had an energy about him - looking into his eyes was like looking into two little images of the sun- just being in his presence brought me such joy, even near the end when he was sleeping most of the time. So I kept him alive and comfortable for another 9 months with special diet, insulin and constant care. We became that much closer during his illness - I lost my job a year earlier and he was my focus 24/7 during the last months of his life. I would cry every day knowing that he would probably die soon.

Then one day, Bubby came into the kitchen and for a moment, I glimpsed aura around him. It was grey and prickly like a porcupine. I held him and he was cold. He purred for a while , then lay down and and a few hours later, he died.

For the first month or so, I carried on with my life telling myself that I had many cats die before and this one was no different. But it was. I felt terrible guilt - why did I not opt for the surgery? Did I deny him a chance (even a slim one) to live? Why did I not detect his illness earlier when it may have been curable? Would he still be here if the surgery was done?

As the summer dragged on, I started to feel his loss more and more. It has come to the point where I cannot go outside the house and wander the grounds because every step I take, I see him thru the corner of my eye coming toward me. The grounds belong to him, and without him, there is nothing there - there is no sunshine, no trees, no grass, no nothing - just a dark empty lifeless field. I cannot make it half way across the yard without bursting into tears. Everything has come to a stop. My boat has remained in winter storage, all the projects I had planned for the grounds have been dropped. A chair under a tree where I used to sit on summer evenings with bubby in my lap sits empty - I have not even gone near it all summer. Basially, I have spent the entire summer pacing up and down my driveway smoking cigarettes ( I was a non smoker) And I have developed abdominal pain and am urinating blood.

Now it is fall, and as the days get shorter, I feel this horror creeping into me and the fear that I will be unable to make it thru the winter all alone. I feel like i have been transported by a time machine back to the darkest, scariest, most depressing moments of my life - those that I sometimes felt when I was a homeless teenager so long ago and I had long left behind as I matured into a fulfilled adult.

God help me because I dont know what is going to happen to me - I have abandoned all my interests, activities, hobbies, and really have no interest in anything. I am sliding deeper and deeper into depression, I'm crying every day (and the crying seems to be getting more intense and gut wrenching). Will I reemerge as a functioning person or is this the end of me? Could another person ever understand the catastrophic experience I have had as the result of the death of a cat? I doubt it. I cant really understand it myself. Sometimes I feel this was no cat - this was a magnificant being that came into my life and changed me forever. Yes I do have children - but I am still overwhelmed by what this animal did to me. Where did he go? Why did he leave me? Will I ever see him again? Stupid questions, but I ask them all the time as tears flow down my face.

[kayc]

My heart goes out to you. I have experienced the loss of many animals, and some are way harder than others. Every relationship is different, and the depth of the loss seems to be in proportion to the relationship, how close we were, how much of our lives were intertwined.

Your Bubby was very much a part of your everyday life and your relationship so close, it is understandable that you would grieve to this depth. You cannot know what the outcome of the surgery would have been...it's a possibility he might have died during surgery and you would not have had him those last few months of his life. Then you would be wondering the outcome if you had not elected surgery. It's really a lose/lose proposition in terms of guilt. The fact is, you did the best you could with the knowledge you had. Bubby had so many physical problems, and it is your care that gave him the life that he did get to enjoy. I know my trying to help you see that rings hollow, but it's true, and I hope it begins to seep into your consciousness and you can find peace knowing your Bubby and you enjoyed a special relationship and still continue to, although his physical presence is missed.

I do understand...I lost my sweet husband over seven years ago and there is nothing that will replace him, nothing that will make things better. It has taken me much time to accept that what is, is. That we aren't guaranteed any set number of years, that we can only make the most of the time we do have and have no way of knowing when it will be yanked away from us. His death was sudden, very unexpected, and he was young enough I thought he had many years left. I have had to learn to go through the struggles of life alone. My one consolation is the hope I have of being reunited one day. If I did not have faith to believe that, I would be desolate, I am sure.

I don't know if you have heard of the rainbow bridge, but here is a link to it I hope you will visit.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZcQvYh_3Atw&noredirect=1

I also hope you will consider making an appointment with a grief counselor. They are able to help guide us through the maze of what is the aftermath following such a loss.

Here are a couple of articles on grief/guilt that might be of help:

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/03/guilt-and-regret-in-grief.html

http://www.opentohope.com/2011/01/01/a-new-year-and-the-burden-of-guilt/

[yold]

Thank you so much my dear

I wish you the health and happiness you deserve for being such a compassionate person.

I am optomistic about the future - as long as we are able to love. Time will pass - I lost my sister 15 years ago and it is tragic but we have no choice but to carry on. A new chapter of life I am sure will unfold and the love we give to others will enrich us once more - even while we hold close those we have lost.

With love and gratitude

yold

[Rhapsedy]

I am so sorry that you are going thru such pain. You ask:

"Could another person ever understand the catastrophic experience I have had as the result of the death of a cat?" I CAN! My experience was with a dog, not a cat, but I so understand what you are going thru.

I had every feeling you are having, the guilt, the unbearable pain, the feeling that I couldn't go on. It was 3 years on September 16th that I decided to put my soul dog Callaway to sleep, I sure thought I was doing the right thing but the next year and a half I would constantly question if I did the right thing. My heart literally broke, I felt it! The pain was so intense I thought I was going to die. I think the one thing that helped me make it thru was talking to a counselor, you have to talk about your feelings and your pain to make it thru, the couselor can also give you tips on how to cope thru the grief. You will have to work thru your pain but I promise it will get better.

I can tell you that I am much better now, Callaway made me a better person during his life and after his death. I have become a much more giving and compassionate person and it's all because of him. I still miss him soooooo much and love him just as much as I did when he was alive, I'm actually closer to him in some ways.

I am sending a big hug to you and pray that you will feel better soon.

Rhapsedy

[yold]

Thank you so much for taking the time to write - it is so comforting to hear others relate to this because certainly no one in my circle of freinds would. It is nice to know there are others out there who have given thier all to an animal freind like I have, even though it brings me to tears every time I go on this site.

Thank you....I wish you the best.

[MartyT]

Dear friend, you will always find yourself among kindred spirits when you come here ~ We are animal lovers all. This video brought me great comfort when we laid our beloved dog Beringer to rest last summer ~ I hope it does the same for you: Til then

If it brings you to tears, I hope you'll let those tears come, and think of them as healing balm for your broken heart. ♥

[CJ Anderson]

Hospice of the Valley will have my devotion for the wisdom it has given to me, both as a volunteer and as a family recepient of their services.

One of the most inpoartant insights I gain was that when someone dies, in addition to grieving their physical loss, ALL the losses we have suffered are aso grieved because our society does not provide that ""transition space, so we tend to trivialize it and "get on with life".

The heart is not diserning. Once our beloved animal has burrowed his way to the deepest reaches of our heart and soul. Everything else is exposed we have buried to get on with life.

I know I have got to get on with selecting another therapy dog, I just cant make myself after the seond one left after such a short time. I hope one more thing I learned will be of use to you.

It is a science fact that we can only think of one thing at a time = either the past, the present, or the future. If I allow myself to thing of the past, I will down in the sadness,

If I allow my self to dwell on the future, I will curl up in a ball from the hopelessness, over whelm and bleakness in front of me.

So I busy my self with Empty Bowl pet food pantry because it helps pets I dont have to see. I am working on disaster with animals because they really need it in Az and I can use my skills to make a difference without encountering them... so for the next second I am making a difference and not thinking or feeling about those who are with me anymore - or the future of those who will not be with me.

It gets me through the days, and when I feel the energy of crying happen, I lock myself in the bathroom and cry as hard as I can, then go back to the work. Cause the one thing I can do for those who were so deeply in my heart, is to some how, save more lives for others.

Hugs

CJ

[justme2]

Dear friend, you will always find yourself among kindred spirits when you come here ~ We are animal lovers all. This video brought me great comfort when we laid our beloved dog Beringer to rest last summer ~ I hope it does the same for you: Til then

If it brings you to tears, I hope you'll let those tears come, and think of them as healing balm for your broken heart. ♥

This was beautiful. I shared it on my facebook page and wrote a little letter to my best friend for 11yrs-- Derby. It was actually cathartic, as I have not gotten over my loss of her 3 yrs ago. She was cremated and when it's my time, I plan to be cremated. My family knows that we are to be mixed together and be spread at her and my favorite place by the creek. They say time heals, still waiting...

Tracy

[kayc]

That is a great idea! (cremation together) Maybe I'll consider that when it's my Arlie's and my time to go...we know our dogs will have short lives and yet we live in the moment, enjoying each moment with them and then are struck to the quick when they go...I know I will never have another animal I feel about as I do my Arlie. Maybe it is because I am alone and widowed and in my older age he is the one that keeps me company. Children grow up and leave home to create a life of their own...without us. But a dog is our loyal companion throughout their lifetime. I want my ashes scattered where my husband's lay, but I'd like it if my dog could be with me too when that time comes. I don't know why, I know our spirits aren't there, but somehow it does lend comfort.

[Shoe]

God help me because I dont know what is going to happen to me - I have abandoned all my interests, activities, hobbies, and really have no interest in anything. I am sliding deeper and deeper into depression, I'm crying every day (and the crying seems to be getting more intense and gut wrenching). Will I reemerge as a functioning person or is this the end of me? Could another person ever understand the catastrophic experience I have had as the result of the death of a cat? I doubt it. I cant really understand it myself. Sometimes I feel this was no cat - this was a magnificant being that came into my life and changed me forever. Yes I do have children - but I am still overwhelmed by what this animal did to me. Where did he go? Why did he leave me? Will I ever see him again? Stupid questions, but I ask them all the time as tears flow down my face.

Yold, I hope you will post again. I'm such a terrible worrier since my dear Lila was taken. And I worry for you.

I get exactly what you mean about it being a magnificent being in the form of a cat that came into your life. I know some lovely pets that really, seem like they are just pets. And then there are a few that seem to be our angels, who get into every crevice of our lives, by becoming our pets. A friend of mine has one of these, amongst her several pets, and he is old, and she says she knows it and will be fine when he dies, but I anticipate it will be harder for her than she thinks. In the last few years she has lost her husband and her mother, and she managed, so she figures this can't be worse. I hope dearly, that I am wrong, but I think she is going to be broad-sided by his death when it comes.

My dog Lila (that's her kissing me, in my profile pic) was my angel. She saw me through terrible times, and when I felt like I had it together, she left me and my family to figure out life on our own. I keep telling myself that she knew it was time for us to be on our own, and work things out between ourselves, but I miss her more deeply than I've ever missed anything.

That you found yourself getting more depressed, rather than healing, and then having medical problems, all sounds very bad to me. The best I can say to you, is that you made the very best decisions you could, with the limited knowledge you had at the time, regarding Bubby, and the way you handled his needs and took care of him. You certainly could not have been closer to him, or paid more attention to him, though I understand how you feel like if somehow you did, you could have done something better for him.

You know that there was too much chance of complications or just lack of success from the surgery offered. Bubby had to die at some time, and the way he died let you have some time to know that it was coming, rather than if he had died that first day he showed signs of medical trouble.

I know this is going to sound dorky, but all I can say about you getting re-engaged in life, is to ask you, What would Bubby want you to do? He is your angel, came to take care of you for a brief (even if it was 12 years) part of your life, and then to leave you on your own. That was always the plan, because that is the nature of our relationship with pets...we only get them for a limited time.

Maybe "seeing" Bubby out of the corner of your eye, is him still being with you, even if in an etherial way. Maybe you could say "Hi" next time you see him, and thank him for checking on you?

You were blessed to have Bubby in your life, and Bubby was blessed to have you. Keep the faith.

Shoe

[Courtney Link]

Dear Yold

How are you feeling now? I am new to this site but your story in particular touched my heart. The bond you shared with Bubby was/ is incredible. Bubby was incredibly fortunate to have such a loving and loyal friend.

Are you getting out and about again? Do you have anyone to talk to?

I am worried about you!

Courtney