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Yesterday And Other Things


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Yesterday I met with my grief therapist. I have been going a little over 3 months and I just don't feel like anything is helping me. It is almost 5 months since I lost my husband and I sill cry as much as I did when it happened. My therapist told me to spend 1 hour a day going through pictures, poems, letters,etc. and then "distract" myself in to doing something else. This is a difficult exercise to do. He was my life and I always think of him which always brings me to tears. I go through his poems, letters & pictures on the annivarsary of his dealth, birthdays, wedding anniversaary, etc. My therapit suggested that I look in to medications to help take the edge off. I haven't been able to sleep since this happened. My issue is I'm not one for medications. I think it does more damage in the long run. I'm just doing what I have to: Work, taking care of the dogs & groceries. I'm not even cleaning the house like I should be. I just sit here. No desire to go out. I'm reading books on grieving. I was always a homebody and have become even more so now that I lost the love of my life. I just don't know how to go on w/o him. I don't have a lot of support. People's lives go on and people just don't want to deal with my sorrow nor do they know what to say. I don't want to burden anyone. Maybe I am getting "stuck" in the grieving process.

Missing Him

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Dear Missing Him

My Pete died five months ago and I feel as though I am in exactly the same place as I was then. Maybe I am not. Maybe at least I am able to eat, wash, talk, walk, but inside I feel just as damaged and lost if not more. But everything I read has to,d me that this is so early on the path. Truly I don't even want to progress. And I know I am still denying the fact that my soul mate has really died. I just don't want to beleive it anyway. I am having regular visits from a counsellor. He is a nice person and I do talk to him, but what can he do? Like you I am stuck but I think we just need to stay stuck until we are ready to move. One of my many problems is not even wanting to move on. I want to go backwards really. No one understands except people who have lost their soul mate. If like me you had a wonderful husband/partner then your whole life was wrapped up in them. Without them you are half a person and yet you have to carry on somehow. I don't know how to do that. The wonderful people on this forum do understand. They don't preach, they just understand because they have experienced this. We just have to survive somehow. Jan

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Sorry for your loss Jan. Like your Pete, my husband was my everyhing. He truly was my only friend. Loved how he made me laugh even when he was at his worse with his illness. You said it perfectly. I am half the person I was. It is so hard to go on and I don't know how to do it either. I know they wouldn't want us to hurt this much. Nothing will ever fix the heartache we have. I'm 39 years old and never thought I would be expierencing the death of my husband at this point in my life. I'd give anything to have him back! Take care and know Pete would want you to live life to the fullest and would want you happy.

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Oh you are so young to lose your love and I'm so sorry. When we meet our soul mate we put ourselves into their arms and become one person and we trust that we will be together for ever. I am so sorry that he died too young and I hope you can find a connection with him despite that. I am searching all the time for a way to keep him near me. So far I'm not doing too well but I still hope he will show me he isn't far away.

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I feel they are with us. More than we realize and our grieving "blocks" us knowing it sometimes. I don't know if you got the book Mary posted, "Ask George Anderson, What Souls in the Hereafter can Teach Us About Life". Such a good book. I suggest you getting it. It brings me comfor and of course brings me to tears. I know more so now that my husband is always with me. Hope things get a little better for you. Take Care. Missing Him

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I didn't take medicine either to help me with my loss, but in looking back I wish I would have considered it, just, as stated, to take some of the edge off, anything to make it more cope able. I think I thought it was a permanent problem so how could a temporary solution help? I thought it'd be like putting a band-aid on a cut artery. Now I realize that grief is a process and in the beginning it can be very overwhelming and if we can get help in that stage, great, until we move further along enough to where we can better handle it. I think I might have had a better outcome if I had listened to my doctor.

It's important to recognize and give credit to ourselves for how far we have come, but it's hard to see it when we're in the thick of it. It's easier to look back later and see, oh gosh, I have come a ways. Any measurable progress whatsoever we have to applaud ourselves. We made it through the planning a funeral, notifying people, sleeping alone for the first time in years, having to deal with problems and situations we weren't accustomed to. If we still aren't sleeping well or enjoying life, well, at least we can see what we have done, and we need to give ourselves more time to make it through the other hurdles. Sometimes I think we're doing better than we realize. Maybe that's not good, but it's something.

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Thanks for that Kay. You always have wise words for those of us new on the path. Did you feel, like I do, that you didn't want to become used to this new and lonely life? Today i thought "if I begin to get used to this new life it will take me further away from Pete and I don't want that. I want to stay close to him and that means staying as close to how I feel about his loss as I felt right at the beginning" . I want him to be a part of my life still even though he isn't physically present. I don't want him to be in the past. I am beginning to have a routine which doesn't include him and I hate that. I loved our routines when we were together. They defined us and now I'm terrified of losing that contact. When you and Mary and others write about your loved ones you seem to have managed to keep them with you somehow. I want to be able to do that. Jan

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Oh Jan, I am the one to look at and NOT follow! I screwed up so bad! When George died, I was overcome with grief...I remember feeling frantic and scared. A man who said he was a friend of George's happened to call and stay in touch on a regular basis. My son went back to the Air Force and my daughter moved on with her life, I was left alone and it was all too easy to talk to this man about George. We ended up getting married 1 1/2 years later and did NOT have a happily ever after. It turned out he was a con man who had preyed on me, realizing how vulnerable I was. He stuck me with his business debts, and I in my naivety and grief-stricken state had not protected myself. He took me to the tune of $50,000. The trouble is I didn't have $50,000 and had to remortgage my house to keep from getting garnished. A broken heart, lost job, and emptied bank account later, I learned many lessons. It is something I will pay for the rest of my life. So I am the one to look at and do the opposite. That is another reason I am still here, to warn people from doing what I unwittingly did.

I would have to say it took me about three years to process my grief to the point where I learned to carry George inside of me and utilize him in a new found way to encourage, comfort, and strengthen me. It did take a while. In the early months I remember shedding buckets of tears and the incredible pain that cut through my heart. I know of nothing so hard. But I made it through everything, one day at a time, the same as you are, the same as everyone here is. I don't think it matters how young or old we are, or how long we've been married, but our grief seems to equate to the depth of the love and interdependence we had with one another. I have always been very independent and strong, but I depended on George in so many ways...mostly for our relationship...he was the one person who "got me", understood, cared, had faith in me, and our love was so incredible. I not only have given up on ever having love again, I am actually okay with it. I don't expect that again. I am used to being alone and my life being the way it is now. It might be different if I was younger and still had yet to have kids...I always wanted kids, but I've been there, done that. I realize life has it's phases, and now this is my phase. George was my rock and I do miss him. I really noticed it when I broke my arm and was out of work. But somehow I got through even that. I know I will undoubtedly have other hard places in my life, and I will have to live through them too without my George's aid. But he is there inside of me telling me I can get through this, to hang on, he is still here, he still loves me, he's still rooting for me...I just can't see him. But having had this kind of love in my life and knowing that even death cannot rob us of that, is very encouraging to me. I miss being held by him, but at any time I can conjure up the memory of it...what he smelled like, what it felt like when he held me...it felt like the best place in all the world. And that can never be taken from me, not even by death.

You asked if I did not want to become used to this new life...yes, yes that is exactly how I felt, I think that's why I tried so hard to rebuild my life with someone else, but it didn't work. Now I don't fight it, it just is what it is. And it's okay. Understand, I would have him back in a heart beat if that were my choice, but I don't get a say so in that. Someday...ahh, someday...

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Yes Kay I have followed your story and I know what a rocky path it was. It's a horrible story. I think it's made you even more able to help people like me, and it sounds as though you do carry your beloved George with you which insprires me to think I can do the same. I hate being where I am and I am still kind of fighting against it all the time, when rationally I know I have to accept it. I have looked at other grief sites and none of them remotely get close to this one. What is it about the HOV forum that brings such lovely people together? Is it the wise guidance of Marty who manages to steer it so well? There are such lovely people (like you) who help us so much. I can't express properly how much I appreciate you. Love Jan

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You know, I have wondered that too because I tried other grief forums (a widow one that was awful) but this one is very special. Yes I think it is Marty that makes a difference, her guidance, helps, what is allowed/not allowed, it takes a sensitivity to guide a website. I think some are sadly lacking in moderators.

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As the captain, so the ship.

I believe we are magnets and we draw to us more of who/what we are. I agree, Kay and Jan. Marty's compassion, skill, all the information she provides...create this site and ultimately draw people to it who are compassionate and caring and who really want to help others as well as gain support. I checked out a bunch and none held a candle to this one.

Mary

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I'm 39 years old and never thought I would be experiencing the death of my husband at this point in my life. I'd give anything to have him back! Take care and know Pete would want you to live life to the fullest and would want you happy.

missing him,

Celene was 40 when she passed, I am sure I can relate to so much of your unspoken feelings. You and your husband most likely talked of plans/dreams of your future together, much like Celene and I did, and now we have to face them without our partners. I find so many questions, as to the direction I should move in, becoming so overwhelming that I seem to remain idle. Also, at my age in life, there are some changes that I fear will be more challenging without the support Celene provided. For example; I was having a really bad day and realized that the person who would listen to me unload my problems on was not a phone call away. It was a sad reality that brought tears to my eyes and pain to my heart. (On a positive note, my missing Celene did make my problems seem so little. :mellow: ) Now I have to deal with days like these or find that friend who wont be bothered when I rant on. Hopeful and determined.

Anthony

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I understand how it feels to lose someone too young, too soon....Arthur was 36 when he died on Easter of this year. I try not to focus on it, but it is very hard not to feel cheated. I know that no amount of time is enough and that it always feels too soon...but I can't help but envy people who have 40+ years of memories. Arthur and I were married for just over ten months when he died very suddenly and totally unexpected. He had a heart blockage that no one suspected was there. The 8th is the sixth month mark and I have to admit I am not handling things well. I feel like I am falling apart all over again.

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Lina,

I can understand how you can feel cheated. I felt that way because George and I had only been married 3 years and 8 months, he had just turned 51 that week. Like you, we didn't know he had a heart condition either, right up until that weekend, he went into the hospital but it was too late, the damage was done and I lost him. I was gone that weekend so I didn't get to say what I would have liked to before he passed.

The trouble is, we think we'll get to grow old together and we don't have any such guarantee...some luck out, some don't. That's why I can't stand to hear spouses badmouthing each other, esp. over trivial stuff.

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I understand. We were together for a total of 11 years and married for 4 years. February of next year would have been our 5th year wedding anniversary and my family was going to plan something as a surprise for us I found out. Breaks my heart. Stay strong and know Arthur would want you to live life and be happy. (I'm still struggling with this myself). Missing Him

I understand how it feels to lose someone too young, too soon....Arthur was 36 when he died on Easter of this year. I try not to focus on it, but it is very hard not to feel cheated. I know that no amount of time is enough and that it always feels too soon...but I can't help but envy people who have 40+ years of memories. Arthur and I were married for just over ten months when he died very suddenly and totally unexpected. He had a heart blockage that no one suspected was there. The 8th is the sixth month mark and I have to admit I am not handling things well. I feel like I am falling apart all over again.

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