mfh Posted October 2, 2012 Report Share Posted October 2, 2012 My maple tree is magnificent this year. It is so red. I put it on Facebook and it all but went viral...the town loves this tree. I think if I cut it down I would have to move. I just took a few leaves off and pressed them. The sun in the a.m. and late afternoon just sets the tree on fire. Here it is: though no picture can do this justice. I find that just looking at the tree, or walking in the woods, or sitting with a fire or anything of nature brings me in touch with that world beyond us....so comforting. Like butterflies and flowers a delicate leaf is, I believe, close to the spirit world. I can barely reach the lowest brances on this tree....it is huge. it stands like a sentinel in our yard. Maple 2012a.pdf Peace, Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
srm Posted October 3, 2012 Report Share Posted October 3, 2012 Mary, I am sure you would have to move if you hurt that amazing tree. It is spectacular. What beauty...I can almost smell fall looking at it. Thank you, Sue Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
terp8r Posted October 3, 2012 Report Share Posted October 3, 2012 Simply beautiful! My Harv loved trees so much. We have an old oak tree that is over 100 years old. It's huge and he couldn't wait to put a swing from one of the branches for the grandson that was born 3 weeks after Harv crossed over. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted October 3, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 3, 2012 The sturdy Oak...I love big old Oaks. We had one out in our meadow when we lived on some land in Wisconsin. They are so strong and this one will support your grandson for years to come... I am so sorry Harv did not see his grandson but I believe he sees him with new eyes. Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missing him Posted October 3, 2012 Report Share Posted October 3, 2012 Mary - this is breath taking. How lucky you are I would find comfort in this sight as well. Thank you for sharring. Missing Him Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted October 3, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 3, 2012 Glad you all enjoyed my Maple tree. The townies are also. The colors are just spectacular in town and out in the hills this year. I have a funeral on Saturday and then a play so hope Sunday is nice so Bentley, my furbaby and i can do what Bill and I would have done...a long drive through the colors....Autumn is so incredibly beautiful and just as incredibly sad and painful for me. It was our favorite time to grab our hiking sticks and shoes and climb a mountain or hike a woods. I remember it was an October day when I took Bill for his last ride to see colors...his last ride anywhere. He lived in pjs by that time and I got him in the car, wrapped him warmly...and off we went. He got tired within 20 minutes but the drive we took is right here and I can not drive it without remembering that day. Spectacular colors, him in his pajamas and blanket....Under normal conditions that drive would have last all day. October is bittersweet. I guess everything is. Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missing him Posted October 3, 2012 Report Share Posted October 3, 2012 I will be thinking of you and I hope you and Bentley can do the drive Memories will always be there... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lina Posted October 3, 2012 Report Share Posted October 3, 2012 Your tree is beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing. *hugs* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted October 3, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 3, 2012 I will be thinking of you and I hope you and Bentley can do the drive Memories will always be there... Thank you. I did this last year a couple of times also. Overall it feels better than NOT doing it. I know these days are so tough for you. I am also thinking of you. Peace, Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted October 3, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 3, 2012 Your tree is beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing. *hugs* It is truly a beauty. I know you are having a hard time right now...it happens when the fog lifts..the pain gets gut wrenching but it WILL get more manageable. It won't be this bad forever....we are all different but I think we can all count on this getting better. Peace, Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted October 3, 2012 Report Share Posted October 3, 2012 I love your tree. Now I know where to get one to replace my dead Shamel Ash tree in the backyard. I wonder how long it would take me to drive to Wisconsin in a BIG truck. Thank you for sharing. Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wifflesnook Posted October 3, 2012 Report Share Posted October 3, 2012 In our little field Pete planted lots of trees, oak, maple, willow, crab apple. And for our 40th wedding anniversary in 2002 our son and daughter in law bought us an oak. All These trees except one have flourished because Pete planted them so well. I have only been able to make myself visit the field once since Pete died but I have someone who is cutting the path around it for me. The natural world is so important to Pete and me and I have to take comfort from it as much as I can. It's so poignant and bitter sweet isn't it? We all on this forum seem to be touched by these things. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LarrysGirl Posted October 3, 2012 Report Share Posted October 3, 2012 Mary, that tree is magnificent!! Thats probably the only thing left I love about fall, the beautiful colors of the trees! Deborah Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 3, 2012 Report Share Posted October 3, 2012 Your tree is magnificent! Here the leaves are just beginning to change color, a little late this year. George and I planted some pine trees in our back yard the first year we were married...some of the made it, some of them didn't, although they aren't growing very fast. The ones that made it are nestled safely among the forest of Doug Firs in our back yard, so I have to make an effort to go among them and visit them and see how they're doing. We had hoped when we were old we could see how much they'd grown... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted October 3, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 3, 2012 I love your tree. Now I know where to get one to replace my dead Shamel Ash tree in the backyard. I wonder how long it would take me to drive to Wisconsin in a BIG truck. Thank you for sharing. Anne --------------- I frankly think anyone who tried to harm this tree in any way would be encountered by half the town or more. I put it on Facebook yesterday and there had to be close to or maybe more than 100 likes/comments over three shares..maybe more. Just seemed like a lot of people who like our tree. It is now just past peak...the leaves that turned first are edging towards brown. It is such a short time for that magnificence...it is dusk now...a time when the colors on my street deepen...yellows, oranges, greens and my red maple. my sentinel. I remember two Octobers ago watching the leaves fall almost one by one or dozens at a time as I also watched Bill's abilities, presence, aware eyes drift away one skill at a time or dozens at a time some days. October was the beginning of the end of the magnificence in my life. The roller coaster ride goes on and on. Right now sadness. Two hours ago I actually caught myself humming as I walked Bentley, ran into friends and strangers...all of whom greet him before they greet me. . He leans on each and every one who invite that...like 99% of those we meet.. Still more sad than not but frequently just bland as sad sits behind my eyes.. I share this for those of you are are so raw and new to this huge loss. It DOES get easier to carry the grief... Easier is not a good word. I have no word. Tomorrow is Bentley's 9th birthday. I remember the day he was born. we saw him at 24 hours...eyes still closed....He gets his annual plain McDonald's birthday burger....sort of a Bill and Mary ritual with him. We timed it once. After breaking it in pieces it was devoured in 4 seconds. He is my lifeline to sanity and well...life's goodness. He shows me the way. Peace, Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missing him Posted October 4, 2012 Report Share Posted October 4, 2012 What great pictures Mary. Bentley is adorable and Bill was so handsome. Thank you for sharring and thinking of us all that are so "new" to this journey. Sorry about the roller coaster ride. I don't think those will ever stop completely. Tomorrow will be 5 months and I'm crying so much. I am dreading going to work. It is still so difficult to get up and go in. I wish I could stay home forever. Our pets are like family. Enjoy Bentley devouring his birthday treat Missing Him Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted October 4, 2012 Report Share Posted October 4, 2012 Trees Joyce Kilmer I think that I shall never see A tree whose hungry mouth is prest Against the sweet earth's flowing breast; A tree that looks at God all day, And lifts her leafy arms to pray; A tree that may in summer wear A nest of robins in her hair; Upon whose bosom snow has lain; Who intimately lives with rain. Poems are made by fools like me, But only God can make a tree. Dear Mary, I think you no doubt saw this one coming. It does not surprise me that so many people like/comment about your tree. It is a thing of beauty. And its magnificence does indeed only last for a few short moments. I cannot think of anyone who does not like the fall season. So many changes so quickly . . . both good and bad. "I remember two Octobers ago watching the leaves fall almost one by one or dozens at a time as I watched Bill's abilities, presence, aware eyes drift away one skill at a time or dozens at a time some days. October was the beginning of the end of the magnificence in my life." In my opinion, Mary, you are reflecting on the journey you and Bill took down that dreaded disease of Alzhiemer's. I hear your pain. I've been there. And as you have told me many times 'we are on a roller coaster ride of our lives.' This pain will never go away but it will become a little more bearable you say. The sadness will always be 'right there.' Most of us will be able to carry the grief we are dwelt in some way. How many people that you met today asked, "How are YOU doing, Mary?" I will ask you Mary, how are YOU doing today? Do YOU need a hug – for longer than 10 seconds? Happy Birthday to Bentley and I hope he is going to get his birthday burger. I am glad that you have Bentley there with you. I loved your tree. Mine was cut down this morning BUT I will replace it with an Indian Laurel and a Jacaranda tree. We do move on, don't we? Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted October 4, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 4, 2012 Dear Anne, First i am glad and sad your tree is gone. I know that was a major symbol in addition to it just being a tree you loved. I am relieved you are no longer waiting for the tree guys. It sounds like you have made your decision about replacements and I hope they get in soon. It will feel good, I am sure. I know you understand that downhill fall that accompanies and identifies Alzheimer's. I know you have walked this path also. And yes, it is a roller coaster ride that does smooth out over time. Every once in a while, unpredictable for sure, a huge dip comes along but over all what were steep climbs out and steep dips down become more like mounds. It takes a ton of patience and acceptance of being in a process that is unpredictable. And I had to keep giving myself (and still do) permission to feel as I do. As for how I am doing, I thank you for asking. We all know that someone asking us for real how we are doing...for real...is a gift. I am riding the coaster but I am not on what used to be the Bob's at Chicago's Riverview....known for its big dips which i enjoyed at the time. Most times it is absent of those gut wrenching dips that last for days. Then along comes something, anything, that throws us down again. The difference at this stage is that I KNOW, having been there so many times, that it is just part of the path and it will get better and the sun comes up tomorrow and we get another fresh start...starts that used to feel like I had to climb Everest, now they are different and better also. It has taken me a while to get here but overall I can honestly say that it DOES get better and "better" and getting there is unique to each of us. I also believe that every one of us could benefit from someone just holding us while we sob our guts out for many minutes now and then. Crying is very cathartic. Crying in someone's arms is cathartic and healing. I do not resist tears...they heal. I also do not resist those who hold me on occasion. And i do my share of holding others. I thank you, Anne. As you are in the early days of your trek, I admire how you have both reached out and how you have begun to share your own tough times, your raw feelings, with everyone. It is tough to do but it is why we are all here...to give and take. You do both well. I am doing ok. Autumn is always a challenge as it reminds me of the beginning of the end. But I KNOW I am getting to the other side of this bridge...(not the end of grief but the end of the horrific pain) and no one, NO one could have convinced me of that 2 years ago. When I talk about being sad, sad never goes away but you also need to see me functioning quite normally as I carry sad in my heart. I go to events, I laugh with friends, I hum walking Bentley as today, in some sick way I look forward to presidential debates that twist my stomach, and I do life. I do not know where i am headed, where I will put my energies but I know it will be in end of life issues somehow. I also cry often-probably daily if only for a few moments or an hour, feel lonely and empty and know it is part of the path. I am changed forever, much more present, more compassionate. As for Bentley....he WILL get his burger and he will love it for 4 seconds and want another...which he will NOT get. Today we went to two banks and he has them trained (and me) at the drive thru to give him not one biscuit but two. Today I needed to go IN TO the bank and I offered him a very small training treat (instead of the big ones the banks give out) he spit it out...YES. He spit it out. I told the teller, a friend, and she gave me two bones for him. He has us all trained. I love him so much. Peaceful evening to you. It is late but I got all involved in the debates and could not respond until now. Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted October 4, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 4, 2012 What great pictures Mary. Bentley is adorable and Bill was so handsome. Thank you for sharring and thinking of us all that are so "new" to this journey. Sorry about the roller coaster ride. I don't think those will ever stop completely. Tomorrow will be 5 months and I'm crying so much. I am dreading going to work. It is still so difficult to get up and go in. I wish I could stay home forever. Our pets are like family. Enjoy Bentley devouring his birthday treat Missing Him I know you are just so very sad. I know you are sobbing your heart out and I am just so very sorry that you have been called by life to feel such pain. When do you go to work or are you working now? I was lucky that my work was at my own command. Going to a job where no one really gets it for the most part, is difficult. It is also a distraction once you get there so maybe that will be as ok as life can get right now. I know you would love to stay home forever...and i wish you could at least have some months but it sounds like you ARE working. You are in my thoughts. Peace, Mary PS Bentley thanks you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missing him Posted October 5, 2012 Report Share Posted October 5, 2012 Thanks - I work banker hours. I got through the day and unfortunatly my job requires me to go to the office (I work for 5 attorneys). I fed the dogs and will go through the poems, letters and cards I saved over the years. This does hurt so much and the tears come every day. I hope Betley enjoyed his birthday treat Take care of. Missing Him Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted October 5, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 5, 2012 Thanks - I work banker hours. I got through the day and unfortunatley my job requires me to go to the office (I work for 5 attorneys). I fed the dogs and will go through the poems, letters and cards I saved over the years. This does hurt so much and the tears come every day. I hope Bentley enjoyed his birthday treat Take care of. Missing Him ================= Somehow we make it through these days, don't we? I do know how it can be going through cards and letters. I did just that today though it was not planned. I also did a lot of journaling and cleaned the garage this morning (with help). A very full day for me. The gal that helped me in the garage helped me to empty and then move a cedar chest which led me to going through its contents after she left. Also came across boxes of cards and letters stored from Bill's funeral...hundreds of cards that I have not seen since that month. In the cedar chest were the ashes, collar, pictures and some fur from our first Golden, Buffy, who died at age of 14 in 2000. He had been thrown out of a moving truck at 14 weeks old at a dump. A neighbor saw it and saved him and brought him to our house the day after we had decided to get a Golden. We never buried his ashes because we wanted to wait until we were settled permanently. I guess Bill's (and my) grave is as permanent as life/death gets so I will go up and bury Buffy's ashes at Bill's feet on Sunday before the earth freezes. I also came across cards that Bill made for me (and I made him) from both of our dogs. It is all so bittersweet, isn't it? But you are doing your grief trek, you are going to work, you are taking care of your dogs, and you are looking at cards through your tears which helps you to heal. We do it one day at a time and you have to be proud of yourself. You are strong and committed...and exhausted, I know. Once held captive by these boxes of memories today coupled with some work I had to do, I never got to McDonald's so I gave Bentley some treats. McDonald's will happen tomorrow in Madison. He will love it for a total of 4 seconds. Get some sleep and take care of yourself. Peace, Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wifflesnook Posted October 5, 2012 Report Share Posted October 5, 2012 Mary, these memories are so precious and so heart breaking. Yesterday I decided I needed to find the huge envelope full of sympathy cards sent to me when Pete died because it included some letters from people who worked with Pete many years ago. I never replied to them and they were lovely letters. I remember hearing of someone who wrote to every single person who sent a sympathy card but no way could I do that, and most of them were people who I saw regularly anyway. But these letters were from people far away. So I have them now and it's a task I must tackle. Also (and this is such a massive thing for me), I was looking through my files taken off my computer that has crashed and now on a spare hard drive. And I found a little video Pete made as a joke about how you prepare a pineapple. On the computer it was all jumpy so I remembered we had uploaded it onto YouTube. I spent an hour looking for it, on youtube by putting pineapple into the search, withoit success, but then remembered my log in nàme, went in and THERE IT WAS! He was talking all the way through it and at the end he looks at the camera and smiles! Only the day before I had been telling him how hard it was that I had forgotten his voice and there it came as the answer to my request. Oh it's so wonderful I can't describe how marvellous it was to hear his lovely voice. Now I have to try to find the original in a good state and if I can't do that to see. If I can download the video from YouTube. I feel as though I want to watch it ALL THE TIME but I think I had better not do that. I have so many photos but its his voice that I found so wonderful. Jan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted October 5, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 5, 2012 Jan, I am so glad you found that video. Synchronicity...you wondered about having Pete's voice and voila there it is...or did that idea come from Pete? We do not know for sure. I have looked all over for my camera and I finally said, out loud, "Bill, I need to know what I did with my camera, please help me." into my head popped the idea to look near my dock (the equipment I use to connect my laptop to my huge monitor used for Voice). Voila, there was the camera right where i had put it to charge. I do not know if these are coincidences but they happen a LOT! Anyway, the video is really funny...he is so serious about his instructions. What a treasure. I am glad for you. I plan Sunday (today and tomorrow are nutso busy) to go through some boxes in the basement because I know one of them contains a cassette of a talk Bill gave...the tape that brought us together almost 40 years ago... because I fell in love with his voice and his energy when I heard it. I hope it is there. We moved just before Bill got really bad and I never opened all these boxes that I am now beginning to tackle. I am glad you found Pete's Voice. I think it is easy to copy the YouTube version to your computer. If you have trouble, whistle and I will attempt it from my end and send it to you. Today I return to get the hearing aids....a play tonight and dinner with a friend. Tomorrow is my friend's memorial, then dinner and then The Admirable Chrichton at our Shakespearean theatre beneath the moonlight. A bit too busy for me but Sunday is free... Peace, friend Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 5, 2012 Report Share Posted October 5, 2012 Jan, how wonderful that you found that video! Yes, you can download it onto your computer (I don't remember how but my son walked me through it once) and save it so you can listen to it whenever you want to. I have a couple of Skye, my granddoggy that just has a few months left. He is so precious to me and I love hearing his voice...I know it's not the same as a husband and I'm not comparing it, just saying I love having that with me so when he's gone, well...it'll choke me up. Mary, let us know how the hearing aids goes...I hope you have a swift adjustment and they help you out a lot. What a profitable day you've had! I've been super busy, got up before 5:00 and gave the dog a bath, fogged the house, did tons of laundry and dishes, chopped more kindling, still have more stuff to get done. I ran across the cards from George's funeral a couple of years after he died and read them all...it's funny, I didn't remember them, I guess I was in a state of shock and foggy, so it was nice to see who responded and what they said. I wrote to everyone who sent a card at the time, but it's amazing how I forgot so much of that time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wifflesnook Posted October 5, 2012 Report Share Posted October 5, 2012 Wow Kay. So you wrote to everyone? I don't think I can do that but I suppose in my Xmas cards I can say thanks. Can't bear to think about sending Xmas cards on myown though. I bet most of you were like Pete and I and did them together. In recent years we had a great system with one of us doing the inside and the other the address. Typical of those of us who have done so much stuff together. Yes it's so very very lovely to have that video and there will be others as we used to film the scenery around here and his voice will be on them too. It's NOT ENOUGH but I'm glad I have things like that. And every day now I go I to our bedroom where the urn with Pete's ashes is, and I meditate and then imagine i am in of the many places we liked to be and try to bring him into my memories. I cry usually and then I read one of his poems to him. I think this is helping me in a way. It's a special time which I put aside for him and me. I don't know how long I shall do it (and I don't do it slavishly every day). Jan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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