Just Lost My Dad After A Long Illness

[Pugmom1]

My wonderful father died on October 1, 2012. He was always my biggest supporter and such a good man. He had a long slow decline and we finally made him hospice but were able to have him at home. I thought it would have been easier to accept his passing, because his condition deteriorated so much over the last year it was as if I lost him a little more everyday. But when he was finally gone, I couldn't take it. I missed his presence so much and I still do. Even in the last few weeks of his life, when he was bed bound and incontinent, he would have moments of clarity when we would sit and talk. What haunts me is that he said in one of these moments that when he 'gets a clean bill of health' we would go out and do something together. I am going to be 40 years old and I was not ready to lose my dad.

[Miss Ngu]

Hi Pugmom1 - Please accept my condolences for your father's passing. My mom died on May 12, 2011, and even though I also saw her health declining, I felt that I should have been (or felt) more "prepared" for her passing, and was very hard on myself for feeling as I did. By reading the posts on this website, I see that I really couldn't be prepared for what has become a total change in my life, by not having my mother here with me (as she was my most trusted and insightful friend). I will never know comfort and true love like hers again. Stll, since I have been reading what other people on this site have been through, I see that, in a way, I was really more "prepared" than one who lost a loved one suddenly (like in an accident). I can only imagine how horrible that is. It doesn't change the outcome that our loved one is gone from this planet, but, at least I had time with my mom during her illnessnes.

It is so soon after your father's passing. Please be gentle with youself and your emotions in the coming months. Your loss deserves grieving. I have found writing on this site to be very helpful, and hope that it helps you too.

With my support (and all the others that read your post) -- who feel (and know) your loss.

[Pugmom1]

Thank you Miss Ngu. I am at least grateful that I had the opportunity to 'prepare' myself and spend that time with my dad. I imagine that as more time passes, it will get a little easier. It's just so hard right now. Growing up, my dad was always my protector and my biggest supporter - even when he got so sick and frail I always looked at him that way. It's nice to be able to come here and 'talk' with people who understand my loss.

[beecha]

Pugmom, I joined this forum because I read your post. I lost my father on Dec. 27, 2012 after several years of declining heath - like you, we "lost him a little more everyday." In the end, my dad had complete congestive heart and renal failure, and developed dementia. He was in constant pain and would only be "there" and aware at certain times of the day. In his final days, he often said things similar to what your father said to you. It was heartbreaking. I thought I had made peace with his passing, but have found myself missing him so much. I was very close to my dad too, and I feel as if I am also very much grieving the loss of that unconditional love and support. I miss how our family felt "whole" with him, even though he was so sick and couldn't always participate in family events. It seems everyone else life - especially those in my immediate family - have gone on unfazed. I am hurting so much, and feel so alone. Your post really made me feel, for the first time since I lost him, that my feelings were normal. Thank you. (I'm 33 - and even though I should have been - wasn't ready to lose my dad.)

[kayc]

I don't think you're ever ready to lose your dad. I lost mine when I was 29 and pregnant with my first child. He didn't even get to see his grandchildren, he would have been so proud of them, captivated by his granddaughter's charms, and proud of his grandson that graduated valedictorian of his class and received top honors from Air Force Boot Camp. Why did my dad have to miss all of that?

I guess the same as you, we all wish we could have had more time with our dads. I'm sorry your dad suffered Dementia...my mom has that now and I know the special situations that can create. I also know that if you wrote this in October, you're likely still dealing with it. Please know we are thinking of you.