Missing My Dad

[Spika]

It's been a little over a year since my dad passed at the age of 49 from cancer. I feel like he is so far away now, I have said before that his memory lives through me but that doesn't always help me feel better.

Yesterday I came to work, the same place I had worked with my dad for 3 years before he passed. The office he used to have is right by where my desk is. I have come in almost every single day since his passing, and nothing like this has happened. Yesterday, I came in early in the morning while it was dark and still peaceful and I saw a light coming from in his office. I know it isn't his office anymore, I know he hasn't been in it for months. But I still saw it, and for a moment or two, a sense of peace came over me, as nothing stopped me from thinking that he was back in his office, healthy, and there for me to go in and say good morning to. What a comfort! But then I remembered that he would never be there ever again and my usual apathetic self returned. Apathetic is what I am most of the time - unable to feel any good thing. When will that change?

I am about to leave my job and leave this state where I have endured my dad's illness, my dad's death, and just a few months ago, a close family member's suicide. I should be excited, but I feel deflated. I wonder where my life will go. Nothing seems clear or certain. Where I used to be certain I now faulter, where I used to have confidence I have doubt. I think moving is what I should do but I am worried about not being excited.

I miss my dad so much. I have been watching a show called "Parenthood" where the mother gets diagnosed with cancer and the daughter is away at college. It reminds me so much of my own situation as I was across the country from my dad when he was diagnosed. It is crazy how many things, looking back, I would change. Today, my mom told me a story about how my dad stuck up for me in a situation and it just made me miss him even more. I was 23 when he died, we had a rocky relationship in the first part of my adult life, but then towards the end we became very close.

I try not to think about what he is missing out on, what I am missing out on. There was still so much for me to learn from him.

I know I am lucky in many ways. I know there are people out there who have lost way more than me. But since becoming an adult, I have lost three important people in my life. Families should grow, not shrink. Right?

I don't know, these are just things I have been dealing with lately, I wanted to tell someone.

[Chai]

Dear Spika,

hugs for all the hurt you are experiencing. You are not alone. I'm also a young person in her 20s who lost her dad to cancer and I also think of all the things he's missing. I was also faraway from him when he passed on. I can relate so much to what you said about your mother telling you a story of your dad, and it only made you more sad...

I'm not sure if it always gets easier over time. That's what the cliche saying says. I think it gets easier for some. For me it's been nearly 4 years. Sometimes the grief still hits me hard - like this morning. But other times, I'm fine.

I can't say that I wish for you to be fine, because we'll never be exactly the same people again. But you can still have things to look forward to in life and be excited. One day you can do things and think of your dad and say, "Hey dad, look what I'm doing!"

Perhaps talking to him or writing letters to him now, as you are transitioning and moving, will help you feel like he is still in your life a little? I found that writing letters to my dad after graduation (in 2010 years after he passed away) helped me to feel a bit better. I also write him on Father's Day.

I wish you the best. love and light to you,

Chai