Hope whispers Posted October 15, 2012 Report Share Posted October 15, 2012 I don't even know where to begin. I lost my son last July. He was driving home and another vehicle crossed over and hit him. He was trying to get out of the way. I can't imagine what was going through his mind at the time. I was away in Alberta helping my sister who had just undergone surgery for cancer when I got the devastating phone call from my husband. My life as I knew it is over. There has been such a fog ever since. I feel so unmotivated, but hide it from people. I am at such a loss with everything. I haven't been able to drive, and have not returned to work where I use to work with at risk children/families. I live on a farm and my work is in another town. I have a great bereavement counsellor but have mostly met with her through phone calls bc of my fear of driving, and I hate to inconvenience others to take me in. I know I have to learn to get out more but its so hard and so many people do not understand my grief. My insurance company hasn't helped me out at all believing that I should have been able to go back to work right away. They have been told by my physician and counsellor that I am suffering from post traumatic stress,anxiety,intrusive thoughts and images and difficulty sleeping. The insurance company said that this is insufficient information. It has taken over a year to hear from them and wondering if anyone else has ever gone through this. I was not aware that there were rules about how to grieve, that there were things I must do in order to get the understanding from insurance. They said: with the limited information provided, it is difficult to get a clear understanding of the level of impairment. The nature of treatment indicated is not indicative of a severe condition that would have prevented you from being able to work since July 15,2011. They don't know how heart races thinking about going to work and being with children. My son was killed by someone who got away with a little fine and continues to drive and I'm suppose to be able to drive the next day to work? My heart is broken bc of what happened and then to add on financial stress! I wish more than anything that my son would come back to me and we could all be happy together again. His absence is such a huge presence in my life and in the lives of my family. We will never be the same again. But thats the jist of what I get out of this company: get back on your feet immediately and go on as though nothing happened and that you're 100% ok. I'm not ok! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 15, 2012 Report Share Posted October 15, 2012 Hope, I am so sorry. Losing your son has to be the hardest thing you can endure. The fact that your insurance company chooses not to understand or help you is entirely another matter, shame on them! Have you talked to your doctor about if there is an advocacy group to help between you and them? Have you filed an appeal with them? What kind of insurance are you trying to get, exactly, disability? They like to fight those, they're in the business for taking your money, not paying it out. There aren't "rules" for grieving, everyone's journey is unique, and there are many things that factor in, the closeness and quality of relationship, duration of relationship, interdependence, to name a few. I would be devastated if my son were killed! You must feel outrage that the other person seemed to get away with it while you are left holding the bag. I am so sorry. Please come here whenever you want, there's usually someone on line. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hockeymom Posted October 16, 2012 Report Share Posted October 16, 2012 KayC is so very right. There is no right or wrong when it comes to grieving a loss. And everyone grieves differently. You will be changed, a different you, for the rest of your life. Doesn't mean that you won't be able to go on but it is different. I am so incredibly sorry for the loss of your son and hope that there comes a time when you can move forward in baby steps. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted October 16, 2012 Report Share Posted October 16, 2012 My dear Hope, your tragic story touches my heart, and I am so very sorry to learn of the accident that took the life of your beloved son. This is one of the most difficult losses to endure, because it goes against the natural order of how we think things are supposed to be: Parents do not expect to outlive our children, and when it happens, it feels so terribly unfair and unjust. When our child dies, whether it is rational or not, most of us feel terribly guilty, not only for having outlived our child, but because we believe so strongly that part of being a good parent is to protect our child from harm. You may feel a load of justifiable anger at the driver of the other vehicle that struck your son's car. And when your son died, you lost more than your son: you lost all the hopes and dreams you ever had for his future and your own. You may feel as if you've lost the very way you've defined yourself as your son's mom. Depending on how close you were, you may feel as if you've lost your best friend as well. And because his death was so sudden and unexpected, and so traumatic, it is even more of an overwhelming loss. Since you live in the country and feel unable to drive, I imagine you're feeling quite isolated and alone. It's good to know you're in touch with a bereavement counselor by phone, but I think you would fare so much better if you had access to some form of in-person support. It helps so much to be exposed to other bereaved parents (such as The Compassionate Friends), who are at all different points in their grief process and can offer you the understanding, hope and support you so desperately need. I hope that until you're able to find that sort of support, you will feel some small measure of it here. Please do spend some time reading many of the other posts on this site, not only in this forum, but in some of the others as well. At the very least, you will find that you are not alone. I want to point you to some resources that I hope will be of some help to you. If you're not ready to pursue them yet, that's okay ~ at least they will be there when you feel like taking a look ~ and be sure to follow some of the links you'll find embedded in the articles, too: Healing Auto Accident Trauma When An Adult Child Dies: Resources for Parents Mother Struggles to "Accept" The Death of Her Son Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hope whispers Posted October 22, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 22, 2012 Thank you for your thoughtful words. Yeah I am going to appeal but only have a week left. Can't motivate myself to write something to them. Don't know how to get it across that I am having a horrible time accepting the traumatic loss of my son. Saw my grief worker last week, and it was great to see her in person instead of the phone. Set up another appointment and hopefully I can find someone to take me in. I am isolated out here on the farm and am so hopeful that I can get stronger to face some things. My crying gets so uncontrollable till it makes me sick to my stomach. God, I miss his so much and find it hard to be without him. Most people seem to think that things should be easier bc its been past a year, I can only hope that they never have to endure this kind of pain. Again I appreciate all that you have said to me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hockeymom Posted October 25, 2012 Report Share Posted October 25, 2012 A couple of things Hope. ONe, try not to isolate yourself if at all possible. Whether it's getting on the forum, calling your grief counselor, writing down your thoughts, getting a new hobby - try to find a way to simply just be. You will never forget your son, you will never be the same. That doesn't mean you stop living because you count as well and your son would want that. Two, have you thought of ways to memorialize him? I have bought as grieving gifts as well as to commemorate the loss of my own grandmother and everyone that I have purchased for has said that it has helped tremendously to have a part of their loved one with them. There are many companies out there, I've used this one on a couple of occasions but if you can afford it and with the holidays coming, might be a nice gift to honor your son and heal your heart. I did a search for 'son' and this is what it came up with. son memorial jewelry And send in that appeal!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 25, 2012 Report Share Posted October 25, 2012 I know it's not the same, but there are some similarities...when I unexpectedly lost my husband seven years ago, I felt like my power had been ripped from me. After all, no one had asked ME if I wanted this life-altering event to occur! It's different than other types of loss in that I (and you) had no say so in it, no forewarning, and were ill-equipped to begin to know how to deal with it. I found it helped to get my feelings out...to use art or writing as a way of expressing what was inside of me. Keeping it bottled up seemed like the worst thing for me. This forum helped tremendously as there were always those here to hear me, and that helped to restore my lost sense of power over my own life. If I lost my son, I know I would not be the same again. The same was true when I lost my husband. My identity changed. Who I socialized with, my finances changed, who did what around the house changed, in essence, it affected every aspect of my being. I have learned to deal with those changes, little by little. What hasn't changed is my missing him. I've gotten more accustomed to the changes in my life, but I will always love and miss him. And I will never stop being his Little One (his pet name for me). Just as you will never stop being your son's mom. My heart goes out to you. Marty posted some great links for you. I'm glad you've gotten to see your bereavement counselor in person finally, and hope you can get a ride to your next appointment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hope whispers Posted October 27, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 27, 2012 Thank you for your understanding thoughts hockeymom. We did get Kevin's thumbprint done right away and had necklaces made. Chose his thumb bc for one when he would hold our hands he would always rub his thumb on our hands, and the other reason was "thumbs up" a lot can be said with that! I do try to journalize and keep busy doing just things - have painted a lot of the house! But its hard. Today I am going to work on my appeal and send it off on Monday. Just keep thinking "what can I write to them in order for them to understand that I am grieving and that it would have been impossible to have gone back to work immediately. I've been struggling to write to them for the last couple weeks, so much comes into my head and then quickly leaves it. My memory is not what it use to be. I still can't believe that they thought I could go back that same day! No empathy I guess. I don't know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hope whispers Posted October 27, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 27, 2012 Thanks KayC. Yes there are similarities. Sounds like we both didn't get a chance to say good-bye. This breaks my heart so much. If only I could see, hold, talk, and listen to him one last time. I just want to know that he is happy. I miss him so, so much and find it so hard waking up in the morning and facing the day without him. He was always the one to help me out with everything in the house and outside in the garden and with all the flowers, so his absence is such a huge presence in my life. Every minute of every day! It was so nice to see my counselors face again. Am so hopeful I can get a ride in with someone next week cause its so much better in person and she is so wonderful to talk with. Take care Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted December 17, 2012 Report Share Posted December 17, 2012 How did the appeal go? How are YOU doing? Are you still seeing/talking to your counselor? Have you resumed work or driving? I know this has to be tremendously hard, it's not something we "move on" from, but rather try to learn to deal with as best as we can. Thinking of you in the holiday season... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hope whispers Posted February 21, 2013 Author Report Share Posted February 21, 2013 Still waiting for an answer with the appeal. An analyst has taken a look at all the stuff I sent her and says it will be overturned and they will help me from "here on in". Not sure what that meant but sounded like there will not be any pay back from the last year and a half. Am still seeing my grief counselor, she is such a tremendous help to me. Helps me to try to realize that I am not crazy and that all I am going through is bc of my deep grief. It`s all still so fresh and feels like it just happened. So hard to move on and deal with. Thanks for your thoughts KayC. Tough holiday season, kept it quiet and simple. Not driving or working yet. Another hurdle for me to climb, but driving is one of the goals I want to achieve this year. Thinking maybe if we had a truck instead of a car (which is what Kevin was driving), I`d feel better about driving. IDK. Take care all Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted February 21, 2013 Report Share Posted February 21, 2013 Could you sell your car and get a truck? Anything that helps you...even perhaps an SUB, which would be different. Do you know why it's taking so long (the appeal)? I hope you get some answers soon, let us know! Holidays are tough for the bereaved, I'm glad you have that behind you. You are smart to keep small goals, one at a time. (((hugs!))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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