Breeze Posted October 23, 2012 Report Share Posted October 23, 2012 The reason for me signing up for this forum is because I need someone to talk too that is going through the same thoughts and feeling as I am. I keep it in most of the time, my family and friends don't really understand much and I get a reaction from them once in a while that turns my feeling of sadness into anger. I am not the type of person who gets upset easily, takes a lot for me to go off the edge, but when it comes to the death of Matthew I can hit the wall so fast that it may take a minute or two too realize it. I knew Matt since I was 16 years old...Dated for 10 years. We had our ups and downs in the relationship. Who doesn't? He had a lot of growing up too do, so I thought it was a good idea for me to move back to my family in South Dakota from Virgina after five years of living together. A few years later, we tried to make it work off and on, but it just wasn't the right time. We talked so much on the phone and sometimes staying up all night long, just talking about life and random topics. Last time I talked to him was on his birthday(Dec 19, 2011), I remember the call like it was yesterday. Talked for two hours, told him happy birthday and how much I loved him. He died two days later(Dec 21st). Matt had just turned 28 years old. What happened was he got up in the morning and decided to go somewhere...An 80 year old lady forgot to put her turn blinker off. She was going 60mph and Matt pulled out in front of her, thinking she was turning. Matt died so fast that he didn't even have a chance to know what happened. The lady was in the hospital for a few days or a week then sent home. If the relationship had worked and I moved back...I would of been it the car with him that day. My dad told me days later that maybe God didn't let the relationship happen cause of that very reason. Instead of one family going through the loss of a loved one, there would be two. I agree, but I wish I was there to stop it. My life has changed in so many ways....If I start crying, it almost always starts an anxiety attack. I am on three medications for depression. In the beginning I didn't want to live anymore and was very upset with God. I had slowly gotten better, but now that it is getting closer to December and the seasons change....I feel like I am going backwards. I don't even want to put a tree up for Christmas. December is coming...What am I going to do? I have the 19th, 21st, 23erd(when I found out), and the 25th. My mom wants me to stay over night on Christmas eve, but to tell you the truth....I don't feel like doing nothing but staying in my apartment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted October 23, 2012 Report Share Posted October 23, 2012 First of all - you are in the right place. Here you can share your feelings without anyone judging you. I am so sorry for your loss. You have had a long relationship with Matthew. He was so very young. It is always so painful when a life ends so suddenly and tragically. It is very common to have feelings of sadness when such a tragic accident happens. I so hope you are getting professional help to walk you through this trauma - medication can help but it is so very important that you talk with someone in grief counseling who will understand what you are going through. Loosing someone is not a disease. You are grieving. Feelings of helplessness is common when you loose someone. There are many links on this web site for you to go to. Marty, our moderator, will be better able to point you in the right direction for those sites. Holidays will be an issue. You have to do what you want to do not what someone tells you to do. It is so important that you accept your feelings and feel the pain. Then you will be able to move forward. We are here on this web site. Again, I am so sorry for your loss. Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Breeze Posted October 23, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 23, 2012 Thanks very much for your reply. Means a lot to me. I have been going to grief counseling, It helped me understand somethings, but I still have anger inside and I am not sure if I would ever except his death. Why am I so angry at the lady who hit him? I don't know why and I feel like I shouldn't. I was so very upset with her that I found her number listed on the internet and was going to call her. Then I started to think that wouldn't solve anything or make me feel better, plus Matts mother told me the same thing. I have counseling in about a half hour....I just don't want to be angry anymore. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted October 23, 2012 Report Share Posted October 23, 2012 My friend, you ask "why am I so angry at the lady who hit him?" and it seems to me that your anger is completely understandable. If someone caused an accident that killed your beloved, I think it's only human to feel some anger (if not white-hot rage) at the person who was so careless. The real question here is what will you DO with the anger you are feeling, and it's good to know that you are working with a grief counselor to help you sort through and come to terms with all of this. I invite you to read the articles, Is Anger One of the Stages of Grief? and Can We Ever 'Accept' the Death of a Loved One? as I hope they will offer you some suggestions that may be helpful to you. Meanwhile, please know that we're all so very sorry for the tragic accident that took the life of your loved one, and you have our heartfelt sympathy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Breeze Posted October 23, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 23, 2012 Thank you for the links. I will take a look at them as soon as I can. I had my meeting earlier today and she thought being on a forum and reading about other peopoles stories will be good for me. Knowing I am not alone and what I am feeling is normal. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ANC1117 Posted October 24, 2012 Report Share Posted October 24, 2012 Breeze, I understand sudden loss. My Celene passed while watching TV with our daughter; just stopped breathing. I spoke to her just an hour prior and she said she was going to watch some TV and let her know when I was heading back home. I have to agree that I had a lot of anger toward several people who made my wife's life unpleasant prior to her passing. I still get angry when I know several individuals I think would be better gone from our lives then my Celene. Your Matt was very much a huge part of your life and now that part was taken from you without you having a say in it. We all know how you are feeling and we all share in your journey. Just know we are all here to help in any way we can. Anthony Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest babylady Posted October 24, 2012 Report Share Posted October 24, 2012 sorry for your loss. my husband passed almost 5 months ago. he came home from work -- had something to eat and had a seizure 1/2 hour later. if it would have been 1/2-3/4 hour earlier he would have been driving and possibly would have gotten killed and killed others. this forum is a great place. welcome. hugs, babylady Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Breeze Posted October 24, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 24, 2012 Anthony, Wow, I am very sorry to hear about what happened to your wife. May I ask, how old was your daughter at the time? Before I knew that you could pass away any time of day, but passing away while doing something you most likely do each and every day shocks me the most. Matt was probably heading out to go to a friends house or maybe even wanting a drink from a store. Doesn't seem fair. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Breeze Posted October 24, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 24, 2012 babylady, So things are very fresh in your mind being only five months. Time goes by so fast that I don't feel like it has almost been a year. I would be thankful that it didn't happen out on the road. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest babylady Posted October 25, 2012 Report Share Posted October 25, 2012 Breeze, things are fresh. i am thankful that it didn't happen on the road. might never have known what caused it and i got to spend another 3 months with him. we found out on 4/10 that he was terminal. the doctor said a few weeks, but he lasted almost 8. he had constant visits from co-workers who brought him food he liked. they even had an ice cream party for him which he enjoyed -- 10 days later he was gone. now i'm starting to cry again. we were together almost 42 years. we were soul mates. i'm sending you a big hug. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ANC1117 Posted October 25, 2012 Report Share Posted October 25, 2012 Breeze, Ciara was 20 at the time. It saddens me when I think of the milestones that she will face in her life. Those moments when she will miss her mother the most. All I can do is offer her my love and support. Anthony Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Breeze Posted October 25, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 25, 2012 babylady, Ice cream party? He had a good time before that happened. That is great. I know it hurts. At first I couldn't even say Matts name without bursting into tears. Now, I can talk about him for a little while before I have to stop. I have an idea that might help you, It did for me. Buy a few journals and write to him. Tell him whats been going on and how you are feeling. I wrote to Matt in the morning and before I go to bed. This day I still tell him goodnight and how much that I love him before I go to bed. Sucks though, cause I have to take a pill for me to sleep. Anyway, the journals really helped me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Breeze Posted October 25, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 25, 2012 Anthony That is about all you can do is for you two to sick together and be there when one needs someone the most. I call Matts mother as much as I can. Even though her and I live states apart, I know she is just a phone call away. I wouldn't of come as far as I have without her and she has told me many time that she couldn't of done this without me. That day I left Matt to go back to South Dakota was very very hard cause the fact I wasn't only leaving him....I was leaving his family too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 25, 2012 Report Share Posted October 25, 2012 Breeze, I am so sorry for your loss...your beloved was my son's age. That seems altogether too young to die! Yet I have lost a three year old nephew and a not-quite-two year old niece, so I know sometimes young people die. It's just that we expect we should get 80 years or so, we think we should live a long life before it's so abruptly halted! I am so sorry. I don't know that there are reasons for death...I think sometimes people look too hard for a reason because they want one, when in reality...stuff just happens. I lost my husband unexpectedly...we were only married three years and eight months and I'd thought we'd have at LEAST another 20 years together, after all, he looked the picture of health! The truth is, we just don't know when our time will be up. Living afterwards is the hard part. We may feel guilty that we lived and they didn't. We don't know how we'll do the rest of our life without them. And we miss them, oh God how we miss them! It's easy for people to tell you you should get out, you should be with family at Christmas, you should this, you should that. Talk to your grief counselor about it, but in the end, it is YOU who must decide what is the best way for you to handle it. Not all of us will choose the same way to deal with our grief, and that doesn't make one way right and one way wrong, it makes it OUR way. We will be supportive of you and will listen to you whenever you want to share...we're here. (((hugs))) Kay Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest babylady Posted October 25, 2012 Report Share Posted October 25, 2012 Breeze he had the ice cream party when he was in assisted living a few days before he went back to hospice. when we found out he was terminal his manager suggesting getting him retired (for financial reasons). he was entitled to a retirement dinner which of course he couldn't have so his manager suggested the ice cream party. he did enjoy it. he seemed to recognize all his co-workers, but couldn't communicate properly. the tumor was on the side of the brain that controls memory, speech and communication. he sometimes made up words. he talked like everyone was working with him on a big project at work. he always remembered he loved me and told me every day. he used to say "it's beyond love". he was able to say it 12 hours before he passed. i had a reading with a medium a few weeks after he passed and john was there. he had a lot to say through her. he's also around me. i talk to him every day and tell him i love him and how much i miss him. i have one of his shirts that i put on every day. hugs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Breeze Posted October 26, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 26, 2012 Kay Thanks for the post. I really look forward to read what everyone has to say on this page. Really brightens my day a little at a time. I so very much agree with you about what is said. When I was at the time that I was upset with God...I wanted a reason and I wanted a darn good one. I would of been screaming at him, but I live in an apartment....Didn't want the cops being called or something. Haha. I am still thinking about what I am going to do for Christmas. I feel like I should take it one day at a time. My counselor said it might be a good idea to be around people during my bad week. I wouldn't mind too much, but I would have no where to go to cry, if I had too. If I hide it from my family than when I get home id burst. I did it last year when this was all fresh in my mind. One problem I have that I think it is weird that I picked up is that when I am on the high way or going to one town to another, I count all the "why die?" or "think" signs on the sides of the road where people had passed away. I am sorry for your losses as well....I am glad I don't feel so alone anymore. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Breeze Posted October 26, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 26, 2012 babylady That must of been awesome to have a reading. Did it make you feel somewhat better after? I do dream about Matt once in a while. The dreams are so real that I never want to wake up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest babylady Posted October 26, 2012 Report Share Posted October 26, 2012 it was great. she was my spiritual teacher back in new york in the early 80s. now she's famous. the reading was an hour and i have it recorded. not only was john there but my dad (who didn't speak) my mom who thanked me for all i did for her. suzane (the medium) said the people who helped john pass into the next world were my mom and his mom. there were several other people too who didn't talk. that happens sometimes. i've been to several seances conducted by suzane so i know how these things work. john had a lot to say which surprised suzane because she remembered he wasn't very talkative in life. it made me feel much better and once in a while i listen to it. he knew he was dying and didn't want me to know. i knew and didn't want him to know. i'm glad you found this forum. i find it very helpful. BTW. my real name is arlene Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Breeze Posted October 26, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 26, 2012 Arlene Very nice meeting you. My name is Brianna. Did you have to pay for the reading? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest babylady Posted October 26, 2012 Report Share Posted October 26, 2012 yes and it was expensive. it was done by phone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Breeze Posted October 27, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 27, 2012 I bet it was. But worth it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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