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I Am Not Sure Where To Begin

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I am not sure where to Begin, I lost my mother April 21st, 2012 she was in the hospital for some routine stuff to do with bleeding in her stomach, Now I know her health wasn't the best and I firmly believe she had given up along time ago, she being only 69 yrs old makes this all the harder on me, I am 39 and her only child, we were best friends and could talk about anything. I myself being sick most of the time due to Lymphodema from my weight and driving a semi for 13yrs, Mom was my rock, and when she almost died in 2008 from necrotizing fasciitis we discussed her living will and medical poa, which at that time she had none, she named me as the sole person to contact for this stuff..

Ok so April 12th 2012 I had just been to court about my disability case and went to see mom in the hospital to let her know how it went, she was doing great laughing joking giving the nurses trouble (but to much) and just being herself... I live 60 Miles from her and the hospital. we talked a better part of an hour and then decided it was time for me to head home as my g/f who had taken the day off work to goto the hearing with me was getting tired (she loved my mom also and has been my rock even though i am not dealing well with this) April 13th (FRIDAY) called my mom at the hospital she said she was kind of sleepy as they gave her some medicine to help her relax some.. I told her I loved her, and she said she loved me too, and we hung up Little Did I know this would be the last conversation I would ever have with my mother, During her sleep she had a massive stroke and slipped into coma. The Hospital Called me and asked me for permission to put her on a ventilator which i know was against her wishes but i allowed it anyway i wanted to give her a chance to come back out of it, 1 week to the day April 20th, 2012 she is unresponcive to stimulus they did the entire bleeding repair without giving her anything.. i was left with the choice that still haunts me every day, to leave her on the machines or remove them and make her comfortable, well i did what i know she would have wanted they removed the ventilator at 2:45pm April 20th, she was still fighting April 21st and took her final breathe while i was holding her hand at her bedside at 2:04pm... My world has been shattered, Though I would never act upon them i have had thoughts of harming myself, I have been withdrawn from my Girlfriend Until last night when things came to a head and she told me that she was thinking about calling a proctoligist to see if he could my head that was up my BUTT.. I haven't been the same, I dont truly enjoy the things i used to enjoy, computer games, music, movies, tv, cooking, nothing, i am just here... I too have come to a point where i Have Given Up... and now after talking to my girlfriend and reading some of the stories on here, I decided to post.. to get it out and hopefully finally be able to move on and start getting my life back, I am left checking on my Grandmother, My moms mom in the nursing home a few times a week I went to see her a couple weeks ago and she told me that everytime she see a heavy set woman she thinks about mom and all she can do is cry.. I totally understand that as I am the same way. I am not one that shares my feelings easily.. so its hard for me to do this or even ask for any kind of help... I know everyone posting on here has been though a loss.. and you all have my condolences and best wishes... and I am Sorry for Your Loss, I know what your going Thru...

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Hi Dave,

Your mom is looking out for you. Don't be scared. It takes different times for all of us to think of how to cope with this loss. You have a support network of your girlfriend, your grandma, use it and talk out your feelings as you did to us. Thanks. We all need each other's support to carry on and be strong. You will get there, where we can breathe a little easier...I promise.



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I am so sorry that you are dealing with the loss of your mother. You have my deepest sympathy. How wonderful that you had the chance to tell your mother that you loved her and she told you that she loved you - what a gift. I am sorry that she suffered a massive stroke and you were not there. In the end I know that you will be at peace for being able to follow her wishes as much as it hurts now. How wonderful that you were at her bedside when she passed. Any thoughts you are having are ok - many things go through our minds during the height of our grief - as long as you know that you would not act - it is also perfectly normal to be withdrawn - you are grieving and you have the right to feel however you want to feel. People make insensitive remarks because they really don't know what to do - your feelings are all ok because it is about you.

Our grief counselor moderator, Marty, has a suitcase full of articles and books that will give you some comfort/knowledge about the grieving process. She will be better able to direct you to what will be good for you. I would suggest that you go to www.griefhealing.com/death-of-a-parent.htm to start.

You are at a good place being here on this web site. Peace in your heart and keep visiting your grandmother. Anne

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