Death Comes Again To Our Little Village

[Wifflesnook]

I live in a tiny village of 26 houses, in what my Pete used to call the Back of Beyond or BOB for short. This year we have has many sadnesses. My Pete was struck down with the ultimately fatal stroke a year next week, a neighbour's daughter is struggling with breast cancer, another neighbour has just been diagnosed with the same thing and has just had a mastectomy, and now a neighbour just down the road, who was diagnosed with cancer has just died after the operation. I understand that the cancer was far advanced when he went for treatment. We have a sort of grand dame in our village. She used to run the local pub, and is now 85. We all love her and congregate at her house for very generous gin and tonics and whiskies. She keeps saying "Oh, twhat is it about Kilnsea? why are there so many cases of cancer? Is it Salt End? ". (That is a big plant about 30 miles away)

I said, somewhat brutally No Pat, it's the fact that so many of us are OLD!

And it's true as most of us are, because this is is no longer a village of farmers and workers. I suppose we have to confront the truth, that life is short. Most of us who live here chose to come because its such a lovely place. Pete and I certainly did and whilst we lved here we has a truly happy time. I expected it to last longer, but now I have to be content with what we had. Of course I'm not, but I have to learn to be. I've a long way to go.

I know one thing. When I go down to visit the partner of the neighbour who died I shall know how to reach out to her. When I was younger I used to look at our aging parents and think How can they bear it? Now I know that if we age enough to feel the pain we have no choice. But we are in this together, and we have to reach out to each other. Lookimg back Pete and I lived in a little bubble of safety. We didn't talk about how we would cope without each other. I sometimes wish we had, but I'm nt sure it would have helped with what I'm coping with now. We silently knew I suppose. Though I think I thought we would be the exception! We wouldn't die! How unbelievable is that!

So. I'm not sure what the message of this is. I just felt I had to tell you, because its in my mind and heart. We are all coping somehow. Jan

[mfh]

Dear Jan, Your village is truly little. When someone is sick or dies in a small village like that, everyone is affected. I admire you for reaching out to your neighbor as you plan to do. Yes, you might be the only one in that village who understands a good part of what she is going through. I know also that dealing with a loss tears open the very fragile membrane that protects your own loss of Pete. Yes, we are aging...and more aware of it with each death. I can't tell you how many have died in our village (much larger than yours with a population of about 1100 but many surrounding in the town of Spring Green. We were just talking yesterday as we hung art, how many holes there are in our lives. Our book club has lost 3 in the past 2 years. Bill and I, when we lived on our 67 acres of woods and meadows walked the woods daily...there was one tree in particular that Bill loved and we would "joke" that when it came time, we would come out and sit beneath that tree and die together. That was our hope, that we would die together somehow. But I am glad he is not the survivor....as least he did not have to go through this gut wrenching pain and loss.

I wish you peace as you visit your neighbor. You are an angel in her/his life.

Peace and love,

Mary

[mfh]

Jan and Anne (and others new to this journey),

I just saw this on FB and thought of you. I still have days where my grief just feels as if I will crumble beneath it but in some strange way...it becomes part of life and is as she says "less intense" most days.

Transcending Loss: Understanding the lifelong impact of grief

Grieving is exhausting work. Some days your energy is simply so heavy, so down, so weighted that you can barely get out of bed. Let the heaviness be. It won't always feel this intense, not every day. But for now, it is. Be gentle and permissive with yourself. Rest when you can.

Peace

Mary

[Wifflesnook]

Dearest Mary

Yes grief is so tiring and I suppose its good to be reassured that not doing much is ok. By some standards I'm quite active, but compared to the old Jan, who shared her life with Pete I'm not. It's six months almost exactly since Pete died and I can't beleive I have survived it. And on 7th November it's exactly a year since he had the stroke. My stomach problem seems to have come back and I'm wondering if its to do with these anniversaries. I daresay it may be. Well, I just have to keep on keeping on like all of us. What an inspiration Harry is, with his work for NET. I so admire him for what he is doing to help to avoid what his Jane went through. I will go and see our neighbour whose partner has died. I passed the house and felt myself thinking "oh better not bother her" and then thought No I bet that is what people thought about seeing me in the early weeks and its best to pop in even though briefly. There are ways I can help her as her partner was the driver and we have no bus service. The nearest bus is in the next village which is two miles away. So she will be stuck unless neighbours help out. She isn't an Internet person either. She will need neighbourly help fr sure. I don't know her at all well but I want to offer some practical help and will do so. I'm not even sure how long she has been with her partner. She is his cousin apparently so must have known him all her life. Yes our village is more of a hamlet than a village. No shop, no church any more, and just a pub. But it's a popular place for visitors being a nature reserve and on the coast. We love it and most people live here by choice. I hope I can stay for a few years yet. Everything here reminds me of Pete (in a good way) though I move about the house thinking "how do I bear this?".

[mfh]

Hi Jan,

It is 2:30AM here and I can't sleep tonight. I think the week has been taxing. Today I picked up the afghan Cathy made for my new art studio. It matches the walls and chair and I thought to myself that last week I looked at that afghan and just smiled because she made it for me. Today I held it and realized so much more including how I would miss her if she died and how short life is and on and on about life and death. This close call, which is far from over, shook me to my core as Cathy and I are so close and have such a long history...even before Bill by a bit.

I am thinking of all you have to give your neighbor. Who else can ask her if she wants to talk about her partner as you wished your son would ask you? Who else there in your hamlet has a clue about hoe she feels besides you. I am so glad you will reach out to her. It adds so much meaning to life for me when I can comfort someone who is grieving. Last week a friend's 14 year old dog died and I listened and shared information from the web. Today someone else was hurting and we talked. One does not have to go far to see pain.i know you miss your Pete so much and anniversaries of all kinds are so hard. And they just keep piling up and yet on we go. It does get better.

Tonight 3of us went to our art instructor's opening reception for her art exhibit. In the middle of it, I said to them that I was just overwhelmed with what she had created. maya burst out laughing and imitated what was a stunned look on my face or something but she was laughing so hard she could not speak and the Yvonne and I started laughing so hard we could not speak. This little group has had pain. Maya is recovering from cancer and just lost her mom .Yvonne lost her husband many years ago and still has outbursts on occasion. Se also lost her sister at age 21 in a car accident and her daughter has survived cancer. And then there is me. None of us knew exactly why we were laughing but it was a release for all of us following what had been a serious talk on the way In To Madison. I don't know....I guess life has to be lived moment by moment. It is just too much to take in all of it, past, present, future all at once....

I know you will feel more healed down the road and I know this will always always hurt.

I am going to see if I can meditate a while and then find sleep...this might be an all nighter. I hope not as I am quite worn down.

Mary

[kayc]

Mary, it is 2:40 am and I awoke at 1:30 wide awake...so I understand about the "all nighter" and am hoping I can find sleep eventually.

Jan, I loved your retort "No, it's because we're all getting old!" I love the frank candor and humor given. This getting old business is not for the weak, that's for sure. Until you're there, you don't give much thought to it, seem to think life will just continue as it is, but that's not what happens, is it. I don't know what's in store and don't want to know...a day at a time for sure.

[enna]

Dear Jan,

I thought for sure that I responded to this post. Knowing me I spent time writing and then closed out before sending it. It's part of reaching those senior years - you know, when you go into a room and forget what you were there for. We do live with life and death. Most times we accept this and then there are those times when it just hits so close to home - like with your Pete. I have a feeling that anniversaries are going to be very hard. You have a very big heart for reaching out to your neighbor. When someone is hurting I think the least tiny bit of reaching out is good to that person. It's a human connection, I think. You take care of yourself now. I'll e-mail you about my trees. Anne

[mfh]

I can see by my typing/spelling/meaning that I should not write at 2:30 in the morning. I got about 4 hours last night...here and there so I feel like someone beat me up today. I am helping a friend install her new iPod, download iTunes, and learn how to use it this afternoon...so hope I make sense. I also have to cook for my friend's reception tomorrow at the art exhibit and to take food down to Cathy on Monday IF she is home from the hospital. I hate these all nighters...they are rare thank goodness but they knock the wind out of my sails. Somewhere in there I will need a nap.

[kayc]

Oh gosh, Mary, you and I were up together! Since I woke up at 1:30 Sat. morning and couldn't go back to sleep. I'm amazed I made it through yesterday, but since I was up, I got my house cleaned, ashes cleaned out of the fireplace, laundry folded, and had time to visit with a friend over brunch. Then another friend came over late afternoon for salad and cards. I love having my quiet evenings alone with my animals, it's so peaceful and snuggly!

[mfh]

You have energy in the middle of the night. I too like my quiet evenings. They are very very lonely but coupled with fatigue...I prefer being home most evenings. Peace, mary

[STARKISS]

Hi All,

I just wanted to add that I am so sorry to hear about all the pains, sicknesses and deaths that are happening ... I too do not sleep much at night and tend to write things from my mind down ... I try and put my thoughts on paper so that I might be able to rest but it does not happen... I worry now that more and more losses are on there way for me and I am still struggling with the ones I have...

I am praying for us all for good night sleeps and for all the people in this world who have lost loved ones so that they can find peace... shelley