Beloved Grandfather Dying And I'm Torn On Traveling To Say Goodbye

[grievingGrandaughter]

My grandfather is currently in hospice care at home with terminal illness. My grandmother is by his side and she is who I am communicating with as he is in and out of sleep due the pain killer meds. He is still coherent, though cannot hear well enough to talk on the phone. I know his time left is short. Waiting to hear back from his doctor for an estimate. My grandma is not able to articulate this in her own sorrow. But he hasn't been eating and I know it's not long. I'm a grown woman (late 30s) living in Canada, my grandparents live in Nevada. I am prepared to drive or fly down to see my sweet Grandpa for the last time to say goodbye. Where my terrible conflict lies is that even though I have asked several times, she keeps telling me not to come. Each time we've discussed she has given me different reasons why. The most recent one being that grandpa doesn't want me (or my mom) to see him in his deteriorating condition. Pride. The ego of a man. She goes on to say that I should respect his dying wishes. She has also told me there will be no funeral. Perhaps a memorial at a later date. Essentially, I feel like I am being completely denied the right to say goodbye and to grieve with my family even before he has died.

There is some on and off estrangement to various degrees in my family,stemming from my mother's difficult relationship with them,particularly her mom (my grandma) which has created a trickle-down affecting me seemingly just by association to my mother. I am trying to remain "sovereign" during this emotionally heart wrenching period, as I abhor the family politics, though it already seems to have driven a new wedge between my mother and me as she is unable to provide the kind of emotional support I need, more like emotional manipulation. She has already declared to be fine with however the events unfold. That's fine for her, but this is not how I feel.

Regardless of the family politics, my grandpa and I have always had that special loving grandaughter/grandfather bond. Deep in my heart I cannot be convinced my grandpa wouldn't want to see me. And that it wouldn't make him happy for me to be by his side, acknowledge the fact that he's ready to go, tell him I love him and thank him for being a wonderful grandpa. Even if for just a few minutes. I can't help but wonder if he really does want to see me one last time to say goodbye and that my grandma is only keeping me away for her own selfish reasons. I couldn't bear living with this notion for the rest of my life. At the same time, if what my grandma says is true and that it is his wish for no family to be around, then I feel I have to honour that. I am so torn and have been crying and weeping over this for the last two days

If I were to go visit now, I am prepared to consider the worst case scenario in that I would just be able to see him and tell him these things for just a few minutes. And then have to turn around and come back to Canada right a way, as it has been indicated my support is not needed or wanted once he has passed. My grandmother will depend on her younger sister's help in the days to come. Which I am grateful for of course.

Any words of advice? Should I just go to say goodbye? Do I have that right?

[kayc]

Do you have any reason to believe your grandmother would be less than honest with you about your grandfather's wishes? If so, I would go anyway and be sensitive to what HE seems to want. I would keep my visit/s short so as not to over wear him out. Do you have his doctor's name so you could get his opinion about what your grandfather can/can't handle right now?

When my MIL was dying of cancer, the last month the family had to limit visits to just family and pastor as it was just way too hard on her...understand she was bedridden with cancer for nearly three years and in that time we welcomed visits from whoever wanted to come.

[grievingGrandaughter]

Thank you for your reply, kayc. Re your question: Do you have any reason to believe your grandmother would be less than honest with you about your grandfather's wishes? I grapple with this. I just don't know. Maybe I'm the one in denial unable to comprehend why my own family wouldn't want me there to say goodbye & provide some level of support. I've done absolutely nothing, ever, to deserve being shut out.

After a brief talk with her tonight (I check in regularly) I realize that it really could be what he wants. That he just doesn't want the people he loves most to have to deal with everything that comes with dying. They are both of that mind frame. It's always been discussed that when their "time" comes neither of them wanted to be burden on the family. They don't want to be stuck in a hospital with all sorts of tubes stuck in them keeping them alive. Which I totally respect. This is all happening fairly quickly in his case. And it was always thought that my grandmother would "go" first before him. So I know it pains him to know that grandma is now "burdened" with taking care of him and dealing with the things that come after his passing. As crazy as this all may sound to some people, this is how it's always been in my family. Nobody ever wants to burden anybody so people often get shut out. It hurts a lot. I grew up always feeling like a burden to my grandmother, but never my grandpa. (they raised me many years when my mom couldn't due to issues). I have felt a burden to my mom, too. My heart hurts unbelievably right now as this all unravels.

Anyway, I have contacted his doctor and he will call me tomorrow with information. After this I should be able to decide if I should go against their wishes and see him to say Goodbye. But again, after talking to her tonight and asking her some delicate questions, I think it's only a matter of days now and not sure if I'd make it in time. Sounds like he's losing his coherency quite rapidly. He hasn't eaten in days, won't eat because nothing tastes good, no nourishment feeding tubes or anything to help sustain life, he still has chemo chemicals in his system from failed attempts at blasting liver cancer. He just wants to slip away as quickly, quietly and pain free as possible. Just like his mother did. (Which I was there with him when she passed in hospice as well because I happened to live in the same city with them at the time.) He always said that's how he wanted to go. And it looks like he's getting his wish.

Right now I feel like I'd be disrupting this process him & my grandma are going through, which has pretty much been instilled in me anyway at this point. I even have a little dread when I reach the phone to call, wondering if I'm disrupting with that alone. But she hasn't told me to stop calling at least. And maybe supporting as much as I can over the phone is enough for them.

Accepting that there will be no family gathering to mourn & celebrate his life and character will be hard though. So sad The best I can do is hold out a little hope that my grandma's sister can reverse that decision.

Anyway, I am thankful this forum is here for me to type all this out. And I thank you in advance for anyone who takes the time to respond with their thoughts/suggestions on dealing with this.

[MartyT]

Dear One,

My heart goes out to you as I read your story, and I'm so sorry that your grandfather is so gravely ill. Given your complicated family situation, I certainly understand your need to "type all this out" and to seek advice / thoughts / suggestions from all of us as you struggle with your ethical dilemma of whether or not to honor your grandparents' wishes. Still, it seems to me that you're already gathering as much information as you can, weighing all your options in a rational way, and thinking through all of this quite carefully and realistically.

You know yourself better than anyone, and you know your family members too. No matter what you decide to do, this decision belongs to you and you alone ~ and you are the one who must live with the consequences of that decision. So I encourage you to let that be your guiding principle. Base your decision on what you know and believe that YOU can live with for the rest of your days.

You may find this article to be of interest: Breaking Promises to the Dying and the Dead ♥

[kayc]

I wish I could give you some advice, but I'm afraid I can't. I always try to look at all sides of things and it sounds like you do too. I guess there has to be a balance between respecting your grandparent's wishes...and what you can live with. If your family chooses not to have a service, perhaps you can have one of a sorts by yourself when the time comes...do you have any kids that might want to participate with you? It can be anything from reading a poem, lighting a candle, writing him a letter, releasing balloons...whatever you might choose to do to acknowledge his passing and let him know what he means to you.

As for that, I'm sure he already knows...it's just that it helps us sometimes to express it, even if they aren't around.

I'm sure you'll sort through this...please feel free to continue coming her as long as you want to, we'll be here.

[grievingGrandaughter]

Thank you for the kind words kayc and Marty (and for the article),

I talked to the doctor earlier today and he more or less confirmed what I already knew. I let him know that I would prefer to be there with my family but have been forbidden to come. The doctor found it kind of amusing because that sounds like something my grandpa would do, being the 'big man' he his. And then he said he'd check in with grandma and talk to her about that. I felt a bit better after that brief conversation with the dr. He has been their doctor for many years and knows them well. He knows how stubborn my grandparents can be.

I have just had my daily call with grandma and she is just falling apart. It's breaking my heart. Grandpa is getting worse each day and is suffering more.The pain meds aren't helping as much. He's now having trouble breathing and grandma was waiting for oxygen to be delivered to the house. She says they're waiting for a room to open up in their local hospice for him to take his last breath, which can't happen soon enough.

On the call grandma reiterated very sternly that grandpa just doesn't want anybody to come (after having a talk with the dr knowing we talked). He doesn't want anybody to see him this way, he can't hear, he's uncomfortable and in pain and can barely speak. She has said other relatives have also expressed coming over when they find out she's alone, and she forbids them as well. Although these are more distant relatives, not people they raised, like me and my mom.

Regardless, it's still very difficult for me to resign to honouring their wishes. I would feel equally as awful going against their wishes as I do staying home wishing I could be there with my family. I am fragile right now and can't keep holding out the hope to be given permission to be able to say goodbye only to be disappointed each time she tells me not to come. So I with all of that, I am now mostly resigned to staying home, more so than I was earlier.

Her sister should be arriving by the end of this week as this will be the only person she wants around for support (other than the care givers that come and go). I just hope she gets there in time because I know when he passes my grandma will really hit rock bottom.

Throughout all this I just have to deal with it on my own, aside from the brief emotionally intense conversations I have with grandma. I do not have any family of my own, no kids, no significant other, no siblings, and my mother and i just aren't on the same wavelength. Dealing with her only upsets me more. Otherwise I probably wouldn't need to come here.

I will definitely find a way to say goodbye and give myself some sense of closure once he's passed. But i know a piece of me will forever be resentful for not being able to say goodbye in person.

[hockeymom]

I had to leave when my grandmother was dying to come back to my family across the US. I wasn't able to be there when she passed and had to say my good-byes before anyone else. I suffered a lot of guilt over that, a lot of pain but came to the realization that things work out the way they are meant to. You need to feel good in your own heart and resolve in your own heart the good-bye. Being there emotionally is much different than being there physically and what matters most in my eyes.

[kayc]

All you can do is send her a note telling her you'll be there if she ever wants you to. I know it is hard doing it their way instead of what feels right to you, but I think you're right in respecting their wishes. I'm sorry you are going through so much pain alone, but you can always talk here...believe me, this place has been a lifesaver to me too!

[jols]

You should go. I know from experience that if you have a special bond it is important that he hear your voice and sense your presence. Perhaps to not offend your grandmother you could arrange to meet her somewhere (restaurant or coffee shop) as when she sees you in person she might feel relieved rather than upset. My Mom had my father at home with hospice and kept insisting that she could do it all and he wouldnt want to be a burden, etc. but I was very persistent and the day he passed away was there all afternoon-- it turned out I was badly needed particularly right after he passed. Will your grandmother have anyone to turn to in the hours after your grandfather does pass away? She needs you and I'm sure your grandfather would want you to help her as well.