Veterans Day

[Lina]

My Arthur was a combat veteran....I can't help but find it ironic that he survived war, but died at 36 in a VA hospital while working as an RN. Sometimes life's ironies suck.

This week has been pretty intense, my cat has been sick and my fear of losing Dude has triggered waves of grief for Arthur. I have also had waves of anger. When I am not crying because I miss my husband so much I am filled with rage that the universe stole him from me. I am going through a "life is not fair" stage where I feel like yelling at the universe and demanding it bring him back to me. Sadly fits do not work...otherwise he would be here with me now.

People keep telling me I am so strong and how they could not be as strong as I am. I am not sure why being told that makes me want to scream...obviously they have not seen me at three every morning sobbing. I have decided that three AM needs to be called "the crying hour".

I am including a picture of my beautiful Arthur when he was in the army. I was so proud of him, both for his willingness to do what he thought was right and for how hard he worked at recovering when he got home with severe PTSD. My beloved worked harder than anyone else I know to become the man he wanted to be. He truly was my hero.

[enna]

You have your pain, dear Lina. I think those night time cries will always be there for us. Is Dude better? You have every right to be angry. Arthur is not with you as you would want him to be. Thank you for sharing the picture of your Arthur. He is indeed one of all of our heroes. 'Triggers' are painful. I guess we will be getting many of them during the holidays. You are not alone during your 'the crying hour' time. Anne

[kayc]

Lina,

Thank you for sharing your picture. I understand what you say about the irony...that was kind of how I felt.

How is Dude doing? My dog has been sick (again) but he's doing better today.

I understand why you want to scream...it's not like anyone asked us if we could be strong for this...we just got it dumped in our laps and strength has nothing to do with it, it was pretty random if you ask me.

[Lina]

Dude seems to be doing a better. The vet diagnosed him as having Pancreatitis and said it could flair back up without warning or this could be a one time thing. I am just glad he seems better. He threw up repeatedly for five days and was not eating. Truly he scared me silly. My Dude is what makes my bed bearable. He snuggles with me every night and when I am aching because Arthur is not there Dude purrs me to sleep.

Kay I am sorry your dog has been sick. Do you know what is going on with him?

I think the thing that makes me so mad about being told I am strong and brave is that I am not...I am simply doing what has to be done. I figure I can give up and commit suicide, drink myself into numbness, take up drugs or some other form of self destructive numbing...but if I do that I am giving up on my daughter. So maybe it is brave and strong to live, to breath, to admit it hurts like all get out...but it is not stronger or braver than the person talking to me would find themselves. By and large we either give up and die or we keep on going. Personally I don't really feel like I have a choice as a mom. I can't give up yet...that is not being strong, that is just putting one foot in front of the other.

Enna, thank you for calling Arthur a hero also...it is funny he always insisted he wasn't and I would reply that he did not have to think of himself as a hero, he just needed to remember he was MY hero and that I was proud of him. He was such an amazing mix of strong, brave, tender and determined. He always seemed to know where he was going and what his goal was. I admired that so much in him.

I used to ask him if it was possible to love someone too much...he always assured me I could love him as much as I wanted and he would be happy to accept it all. I don't think he realized that my fear was not in loving him in life, but how it would destroy me to lose someone I loved like that. Truly I loved him more than I thought it was possible to love a man. I loved him with my heart, body and soul. Every fiber of me craved to be near him. I missed him when he was at work and always felt overflowing with joy when he walked in the door. I used to snuggle my face into his chest and breath deep, telling him I was trying to absorb him in so that he would never be truly away from me. I was so paranoid about losing him. He was late once from work and did not think to call...he found me in the garden watering his plants sobbing, terrified something had happened...he ALWAYS called after that. I felt insane about him. It scared me how much I loved him. I used to ask him if I made him feel smothered and he assured me that he loved it...honestly though if there was anyone who needed love like that it was Arthur. He clung to me the way I clung to him. We were each others universe.

I told him he was the most wonderful gift from God and that I would always be grateful. I am still grateful, even though this hurts so much.

Have you heard the song "little talks" by Monsters and Men? That song always makes me cry...but I have to say that it expresses the experience of being a widow so eloquently. It contains a conversation between a widow and her dead husband...so heart wrenching. (Here is a link to the song with Lyrics: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=onsvUSp_y_I )

[enna]

I really liked the song. I agree that it does speak to those of us who are widows. Your thoughts about Arthur show just how deep your love is for him. Remember, he will always be with you just a little different - for awhile. I like how you said that 'we were each others universe.' What a beautiful thought. You are in our hearts. I am glad that Dude is feeling better. Dogs just awe me. It's amazing how they seem to know how we are feeling. Anne

[Wifflesnook]

Yes Lina. Each other's universe gets it for me too. And now? We have to keep them close in our hearts. I so wish I could dream about Pete. It seems strange that I don't when he is in my mind all my waking hours.

[Lina]

I did want to add...I know the song is written as a conversation between a widow and her husband, but truly I think it works for anyone who has lost their partner in life. *hugs* I am not in anyway trying to exclude anyone. I am simply writing from the perspective of a widow. *hugs* I honor everyone here.

Sending love and *hugs*

[AnnC]

Just wanted to jump in, your comment that your husband didn't think he was a hero reminded me of something. The man, Steve, who stopped his car and ran across the freeway and pulled open the car door to get my brother out of the burning car, he is my hero. Even though he couldn't resuscitate my brother because he died on impact, still, he gave it his all to try to save a stranger. I talked with Steve, and he is a military vet, and insisted he is not a hero, that he just did what any human being would do for another.

But he IS a hero, and so is your Arthur. And all our military.

[ANC1117]

Lina,

Thank you for sharing the picture of Arthur. Not serving myself, I respect and honor all those who do. I love how you speak of your love for Arthur, Celene was the same with me. People who witnessed our love for each other could tell just how much each of us meant to each other. I had to remind them that it was more Celene than I and that I was so blessed to have her in my life. Even when I thought I one-upped her on our love scale, she would remind me that she chased me down to date her. Keep up the great memories.

Anthony

[kayc]

Lina, I don't want to scare you but do want to warn you...my sister's beloved dog Polly died from Pancreitis. Learn all you can about it and talk with your vet, if you haven't already, about what to avoid, etc. Polly couldn't have certain foods...on Christmas she helped herself to some ham they had sitting on the table...thousands of dollars and a lot of pain later, she died. You will have to be vigilant about controlling Dudes diet.

My Arlie is a Husky/Retriever. Huskies have sensitive systems. My son has a purebred Husky and he gets Colonitis real easy. We have to be careful what they eat...no spices, fat, etc. Skye can't tolerate Gluten, although Arlie seems to be able to. Arlie had had some potatoes leftover from a breakfast out and they had too much grease in them (I don't cook with grease and am not used to it so I should have thought about that and not given it to him). It made us both sick, but when Arlie's system gets hit, it doesn't seem to bounce back like mine does. Instead his intestines flare up and I have to put him on a special diet (a concoction I make of white rice, potatoes, chicken breast, and yogurt or cottage cheese) and Probiotics, which I get from the vet. I usually have to starve him for 24 hours to start with to give his system time to calm down. After he shows signs of improvement (his stools) then I gradually wean him back onto his dogfood. The dogfood that seems to work the best for him is salmon and sweet potato, I've only found it at Costco. My son did a lot of research before finding what worked for his dog, so I put Arlie on the same thing...it makes it much easier when they come to visit if they eat the same thing.

[MartyT]

Lina and Kay, I just read this piece by veterinarian and author Dr. Nancy Kay and thought of your discussion here. You'll need to scroll down a bit till you come to the article, posted just today: Avoiding Pancreatitis During the Holidays

[kayc]

Marty, thank you for that timely piece. We have a rule around my house (not only because of Arlie, but even more so because of my granddoggy, Skye, who is even more sensitive). Only the owner can decide what/how much is to be given to their dog. If I want to give a bite to Skye, I have to okay it first with my son, that way he can know exactly what his dog is ingesting. It's too easy at holidays for five members of the family to give "just a little bit" to the dog, which altogether is too much.

I love to spoil my Arlie. My DIL says no people food for her dog, and I wish I could be so resolute, but I've never had a dog with a sensitive system before so I established bad habits before I discovered too late that it wasn't a good idea. I HAVE trained my dog, however, to come to expect only the "last bite". That way he has to wait and be good, and when he has that bite, it's all gone so nothing to beg for. My biggest problem has been other people giving him things unbeknownst to me or if he gets loose, what he gets into. I seem to have educated my family though so they no longer slip him things he shouldn't have. The last time was last summer when over at my sister's she put down a dish that had been out overnight. I was aghast! Her dog DIED of Pancreatitis, you'd think she'd know better! At least I know now what to do to heal him if he does get something he shouldn't, but I'd rather avoid the whole thing.

[widower]

Lina, I don't want to scare you but do want to warn you...my sister's beloved dog Polly died from Pancreitis. Learn all you can about it and talk with your vet, if you haven't already, about what to avoid, etc. Polly couldn't have certain foods...on Christmas she helped herself to some ham they had sitting on the table...thousands of dollars and a lot of pain later, she died. You will have to be vigilant about controlling Dudes diet.

Not to stay sidetracked on this too much on this but it bears repeating/emphasizing - some people think "if it's OK for people it's OK for dogs" - NOT true. Ham and chocolate in particular are 2 prime examples that come to mind that even in modest amounts can kill a dog. It isn't just about how much but what it is. Others include grapes and tomatos (and what I would hope are more obvious ones like alcohol - what kind of mental midget would give that, you'd think, but you'd be surprised). Ours almost died from simply chewing on a big ham bone that they actually sold in the grocery store and advertised for dogs! Pls be very careful about this and if you want to "treat" your pet now and then, do it with treats made for pets. Finally here's a link I found with a good recap I think. My .02 http://www.wikihow.c...-Your-Dog#Steps

Lina, as a fellow vet, I salute Arthur and hope Dude is doing OK - and most of all you are too!

[Lina]

Dude is a Cat and I do not feed him people food, but thank you. I sometimes give my dogs tiny amounts of things like turkey, but only tiny amounts.

[enna]

Dear Lina,

You have been in my thoughts. Our first Thanksgiving. I prayed for those who have become my new friends. We are on this journey whether we like it or not. Peace. Anne

[ANC1117]

This was my second Thanksgiving without Celene. The days leading up to Thanksgiving seemed tougher than last year's. Perhaps last year I was living in a haze being just weeks after she passed. Having several friends and family around on Thanksgiving this year may had made it easier.

Anthony

[kayc]

I downloaded a list of "no-nos" for pets and keep in on my microwave, it is alphabetized, several pages long. I remember offhand, chocolate, olives, grapes, raisins, and of course, my granddoggy has a gluten intolerance that is common in dogs. My sister's dog died after getting into ham. I give milk only in moderation as it does to my dog what it does to some people. It's good to only give them a TINY bite of something and see how they do...understanding a ten pound dog may not be able to tolerate even that...mine is 120 lbs so can handle a bit more than his tiny friends. And NO Ibuprofen! (Give baby aspirin if okay by their vet.)