My Story

[Rubysbaby]

Hi,

The stories I have read so far have let me know that I am not the only one feeling such pain. My mom died 7/27/12, a day I will never forget. The weekend before we were on a family trip to FL. My mom started feeling bad that Sunday. We (Dad, Sister, and me) offered to take her to ER in Florida. She said she was ok until she got home. She said she felt better when we got home and would go see Dr. Mon. morning. The Dr. sends her to the ER by ambulance (exactly a week after her 69th birthday).

She had had a heart attack while we were in FL. We were to go to Minnesota on Thurs (would have been my parent's first flight). I was numb and scared. I was upset because she didn't allow us to take her immediately to ER. She had open heart surgery on Tuesday. She didn't awake completely until Wednesday evening. The Drs. had given a good prognosis that she would resume back to normal. Friday she walked from ICU to a regular room. My mom looked so good that day. She was talking like herself again. She even gave us a laugh or two. I was still nervous because I knew she had a long recovery but felt that she was doing well and headed in the right direction. If God had brought her through having the heart attack and surgery, I thought for sure she would survive. She was a strong woman and had survived and beat cancer twice.

Friday afternoon I told my dad he needed to eat and we went to the cafeteria in hospital. Dad and I discussed how we were going to take care of mom during her recovery. This was the first day I was positive about everything. When we left the cafeteria and headed back to the room my worst nightmare happened. My sister was outside the door screaming. My aunt was with her and another aunt reached for me. I was in shock and so confused as to what was going on. Staff had come to take her blood. Mom started to make a face of pain. The family with her (my sister, sister-in-law, and 2 aunts) thought it was from them sticking her to take blood. Mom started seizing and eventually coded. The Drs. couldn't save her. They didn't know what happened and told us it was probably a blood clot. It just doesn't make any sense. Did staff do something wrong? I couldn't even cry I was in such shock. All I could do was scream.

How could this happen when she survived the heart attack and surgery? My mom was my best friend. I talked to her every day and saw her almost every day. My faith is shaken. I had just given praise reports and thanked God for healing her again and then she was gone a few hours later. I am in such pain. It's been 4 months but I can't concentrate on anything but her last days. I know we all have to die and God doesn't always answer the way we want, but I don't like it. It's not fair.

I keep wondering is this punishment for my sins or because I didn't pray enough before & when she got sick. Why did mom say she was better? I know she had to be in pain. I also blame her regular physician because she had complained of heartburn and when I told my Dr he immediately said that was a heart disease sign for women especially diabetics.

I am in counseling, reading books, and journaling trying to get through this. I have returned to church but it's hard because I wonder if God listens to me anymore since he didn't answer my prayer to save her. I feel like I'm on a roller coaster of emotions. Thanks for listening to my story.

[enna]

Dear Rubysbaby,

I usually am not on this topic but I saw that you were new and I wanted to tell you how very sorry I am that you lost your mother so suddenly and tragically. This must be such a shock to you. So many things going on at once. Your emotions sending you into a whirlwind of ups and downs. You have so many questions which is understandable. I am glad that you have sought counseling - I hope it is grief counseling. Reading is good and so is journaling. You have found this place which can be of some comfort to you for the people here do understand. Take care of yourself. Anne

[Rubysbaby]

_{thanks for taking the time to read my story and respond. Yes I am in grief counseling -- not sure if it's helping. It's so hard for me to be positive now. When I got positive about mom's condition, then she died. I am so lost and hurt.}

[justme2]

Dear Rubysbaby,

I'm so sorry for the loss of your beloved mother. Keep going to counseling, and try to keep checking in here. There are people here who understand and have been where you are now. Everyone here truely cares.

God Bless,

Tracy

[AnnC]

I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. Don't try to force yourself to be positive. Sometimes you just need to feel really awful and cry your eyes out. That hurts, but oddly enough, it is ultimately healing. But it's a long hard road -- we are here to keep you company while you travel it.

Fair is the last thing it is.

[niamh]

hi Rubysbaby,

I had a big long message typed and just lost the whole thing . I am so sorry for the loss of your dear Mom. LIke Ann says I don't think anyone should force themselves to be positive, you feel what you feel and there's nothing wrong with it, it's neither positive or negative if you ask me, it just is what it is.

just know there are lots of people here who can relate and share with you,

I will write more later

in the meantime sending you lots of love and ((hugs)))

Niamh

[Rubysbaby]

Thanks everyone for the support and telling me that it's ok to feel whatever I feel. Hug is appreciated Niamh.

I have started to isolate myself from family members that think it's time to be positive. I'm made to feel that it's wrong that I'm upset that mom's Dr. didn't do a good job treating her as I suspected for some time (he used to be my Dr.). I know that Drs. aren't perfect and that God is in control and the same outcome could have happened if he had taken preventive measures. My mom complained of the following symptoms -- shoulder pain, heartburn, heart palpitations (before the shoulder pain and heart burn started). My Dr. told me that those are classic symptoms of a diabetic with heart issues. It angers me that she was told that her heart sounded good many times until it was too late.

[babbent514]

I'm so sorry about your Mom.I too lost my Mom this past year.I feel the same way you do.Why didn't God answer my prayers.I'm still mad that he took her away from me.he also took my Dad 5 months later.life isn't far and I don't know if I will ever get over my loss.The pain is too great.If you ever want to talk I am here.We are all going though the same thing here.

[Rubysbaby]

Hi babbenT514,

I'm sorry for your losses. I'm still mad also and it's very hard going to church now. I continue to go but I'm not there 100% so I probably shouldn't go. It's hard to hear about someone else being healed when my mom wasn't. The pain is still strong, stronger some days than others. I really miss my mom/friend. People I thought were close friends have gone on with their lives and don't even check to see if I'm ok. I think it's because they think I should be by now. If you ever want to vent I am here for you also.

[kayc]

It's hard to understand why, when we pray, God seems to answer prayers for some and not others...yet the truth is, He answers for all, just not always the way we want or what we might think. I was praying for my husband when he died. There is much we do not see or understand...I cannot know why God makes the decisions He does. I've come to accept that He knows more about things than I do so I leave the results up to Him, but I tell you, I went through a time of questioning my faith after George died. It took a while to get through it. I know this: God understands our pain and it's perfectly okay to yell at Him and beat on His chest (so to speak), He has broad shoulders, He can take it. He knows our hearts, our humanity, our questions, and even our anger. It's okay to vent and He'll still love us and be there for us long before we come out of it and long after. He knows our emotions...after all, He made us as we are.