loves Posted December 3, 2012 Report Share Posted December 3, 2012 My Mother passed away on September 7, 2012, after intensely battling cancer for 6-1/2 years. Too young! Diagnosed at 56 and passed at 63. I spent the last 2 weeks of her life with her, giving her around the clock care. I was the only one present when she took her last breath. It was such a gift to have been with her. Our connection was so intimately close that throughout the years I felt that if she should go, I would die right alongside her. Once she passed, I felt as though the world ought to just stop. I feel like, in a way, I have been grieving the loss of my Mom since the intial diagnosis of cancer in 2006, but nothing comes close to the experience since her actual passing. There is no way to prepare. Though I lived 500 miles away, I was there for Mom and Dad more than my two siblings or anyone else. Since I was the only unmarried one, and the only entrepreneur, it was expected of me. From my perspective, I was there because I wanted to be, not because of my marital status or occupation. Though it has certainly taken its toll on my affairs, I have no regrets. I have had many losses throughout the years: Mom was diagnosed with cancer in March of 2006. A dear friend of 10 years died of cancer in April 2006, and then my grandmother (Mother's mom) died in June 2006. I lost an investment property to foreclosure in 2008, lost my business in 2009, lost a dear friend of 10 years in 2009, lost a dear friend of 16 years in 2010, lost another dear friend of 15 years in 2011, lost my car of 8 years to a wreck in 2011, lost the business I had rebuilt in May 2012, lost my home of 5 years to foreclosure in May of 2012, lost Mom in September 2012. All of these losses have been painful and have had a cumulative impact on me, but nothing has devastated me more than losing my Mom. Once I returned from Mom's passing, I discovered I had been robbed. Many of my precious belongings were gone, as were the items I planned to use for rebuilding my vacation rental business. It was not only an emotionally taxing occurrence, it was a major monetary and finanical setback. I pushed forward and completed renovations on 3 places from mid September until October, though I was barely able to function since Mom's passing. My romantic love relationship had been going extremely well, but became strained after my Mom passed. Intimacy was challenging for me, but I tried to stretch to give the relationship more because it was so important to me, and I communicated clearly, openly and vulnerably. Being robbed, and focusing on building the business did not help matters on the romantic front, as I was stretched so thin. At the beginning of November, I had an emotional meltdown. I just reached an overflow of emotion that I had feared, but had never before experienced in my life. I have always been so strong for everyone else. I needed to allow myself to be able to fall apart too. It was not directed at my life partner, but having witnessed the meltdown, left and ended the relationship. Not only left, but cut me off completley and has had no conversation about any of it. This has been so painful. I have struggled with feeling guilty for having expressed my emotions. I have been trying to give myself a lot of acceptance, care and love, as I feel it is important to not feel guilty for expressing the emotion that arose. It seems part of the grieving process, and healthy in fact. I have had deep remorse for expressing my feelings because it resulted in the demise of my relationship with the love of my life. I have been in disbelief, and so deeply saddened. I have been so deeply heartbroken in this past month, I cannot tell sometimes where the grieving for my Mom and that of my love relationship begin or end. It upsets me that they have to be considered at the same time. How could I be left at such a time? I have been experiencing deep emotional upheavals that also feel like the purging of a 40-year (my age) dynamic between my parents and me ending, the loss of Mom and the loss of my life as I've known it. And now, no one to be there and love me through it. This is defintiely the Winter of my life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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