It Has Been One Year

[mik]

Hello

I have been a member of this group for over a year! It is hard to believe that an entire year has passed since the passing of the man I love. I have not posted for some time now. I am not sure why that is? Perhaps I am moving forward, though I know deep down in my heart I will never move too far away from my feelings and my grief.

I am hesitant to use the term "anniversary". For me, the word is associated with happy times, ie, weddings, a special occassion that is rememberd, events that are signaificant in one's life. Although this meets the defination of "significant"..it can hardly be used to describe an event that turns your world upside down, shatters your heart into a million pieces, cuts into your very soul, and steals your dreams of the future. Still...it is to be remembered, cherished, and celebrated..not in the traditional sense but in a way that enables our loved ones memory to live on. And for me his memory has..and will continue to do so.

There is not a day that goes by that he is not in my thoughts...in my day to day experience of surviving. I love him, he has my soul, my heart, my everlasting devotion. My life continues, but not with a vast deep empty hole. Today, I choose to remember the times I felt closest to him. I think of the problems, the highs and lows of our life together. I long for his touch. I know someday I will again be with him.

I do "celebrate" his life..not in that traditional way, but with warm thoughts of his love. I will remember this anniversay...and in time it will not bring about the sadness and longing that it does today. In time I am hoping that it will serve as my reminder that life is precious and short..you don't know what the future holds..it will remind me to live everyday like it was the last...most of all it will remind me to never ever put off doing something, being with someone, sharing my love NOW...not waiting for everything to be perfect...or even close to it. I love you Dragon.

Kimberly (Mik)

[enna]

Dear Kimberly,

What a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing it. I am just coming up on some of my firsts. My beloved Jim died in May of this year so many things are very new to me. I too know I shall never forget since I chose to remember also. Hope is such a positive feeling and many of us have such warm memories of our loved one that this is what we 'celebrate' as you said so beautifully. Anne

[kayc]

Kimberly,

It's good to hear from you again...I remember all too well the first time you posted. Yes, the anv. of death or loss is an anv. we remember, not like a wedding anv. or other happy event, but rather it is a date that serves as a reminder that can trigger us. You are right, though, time helps. I don't think the anv. of George's death will ever be a good day or an easy day for me, and unfortunately, since it occurred on Father's Day, I have both 6/19 and Father's Days as reminders.

I am glad you are able to look at it philosophically and try to remember the good that was yours in the relationship with the hope of being reunited someday. The day I met George was the happiest day of my life and the day I lost him was the worst. I try to look at it now as how fortunate I was to have had him in my life, for even a time, as some never have what we had. I still long to feel his arms around me, just as you do your Dragon. I don't think that longing ever goes away, we just learn to live with what is.

I hope this next year gets easier and better for you.

[mik]

Thank you both for your very kind words. Anne, it is so hard isnt it? I try to remember all the little details over and over again so I don't forget. That is one of my fears..that I will forget the details and he will fade away from me. Even if details do fade, I remind myself he is always inside of me.

Kay...thank you! I was out of my mind a year ago. Your kindness and understanding made such a big difference! All I could do was say over and over again how much I loved Dragon and missed him, and how horrible this was! It has taken me a full year to even accept the fact that he is gone. I know like you, that the pain will always be present, but your so right..we had the wonderful gift of having them in our lives...no matter how long..or how short that might be. We all have indeed been lucky! Who would think those in a group expressing grief over the loss of a loved one would feel lucky? But if you have gone through it..you know just how fortunate you are to have shared your life with them...and it's only now that you realize it!

[ANC1117]

Kimberly,

I too try hard to remember the details. I wish, in some way, all I had to do was close my eyes and nothing but visions of Celene would appear. Why can't I picture her face in the memories. I have a vivid visual of the event and when I try to focus on her face it is blank. I feel that something is wrong with me.

Anthony

[Wifflesnook]

Dear Anthony

I know that feeling. I lived with Pete for fifty years and despite the photographs and videos all around me I find it so hard to picture him without their help. And everything g in the house is touched by him and as I write I am wearing his dressing gown and when I go out I wear his woolly hat. All these are an effort to keep his presence close. But they don't work very well. As Kim says though - they are inside us and that will always be the case. In many ways Pete made me the person I am. He always said I influenced him just as much and this is probably true. We grew together and I have to move on taking him with me inside me now.

Jan

[kayc]

Anthony, that isn't uncommon, though. Others have said they can't remember their voice or their smell. While I remember all of these vividly, I have only dreamed of George a couple of times in the last 7 1/2 years. Why, when he was my world and everything to me, yet I dream of other people that mean nothing! Who knows, it's just how it is and it doesn't mean they aren't everything to us...they are.