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Feeling Lost


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My family's Christmas went well. We shared memories of my brother, and my sister had us light candles on the dinner table for all of the family members we have lost in the last 15 years.

But now that I am home, I feel so adrift. It's hard to describe, but it feels like there is no foundation to my life. Like I don't have any structure to my life. I go to work but I am angry at everyone there. I eat meals but I feel like I don't know what I should or want to eat, but I want to eat...I think. Really, I don't want to do anything except something comforting, and nothing is comforting.

Is this normal? I could understand that being widowed or losing a child would so completely change your daily life that you might feel all structure is gone. But I saw my brother maybe once every two or three months. And he was 15 years younger so we really didn't even grow up together. I loved him but he was by no means part of my daily life.

I just watch TV or wander around wondering what to do with myself or cry. Christmas Eve was the 4 month anniversary of the car crash.

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Dear Ann,

I am so glad that your Christmas went well. Lighting the candles at your table sounded like such a positive way to remember those you have lost and loved.

I am sorry that you are feeling adrift. We have been told that all these feelings are ‘normal’ as we grieve. I like to think of it as floating in a boat with no oars drifting wherever the waves take me. I so understand what you mean when you say you feel like you have no structure in your life or you think you want to eat but you don’t know. I think that is all part of the ‘fog’ we are in in the early part of our grieving. And it does not matter the loss, Ann. From your earlier posts the sudden death of your brother hit you very hard and this has to be acknowledged. Everything you are feeling is normal and it doesn’t matter how many times you saw your brother you miss him and he was taken away so suddenly and you are grieving.

As for being angry… anger is normal in grief. Marty can direct you to just the right articles dealing with anger.

I am taking a course (directed by Marty) through e-mails and have found it to be a good guide for me. She has a section on anger that I found helpful. Not everyone experiences anger when grieving and that is normal too.


This article is also very helpful in understanding the whole grief-process:


There are so many books that are good reads. Go to Marty's link at:


You are still in the very, very early months of the loss of your brother, Ann. All of what you are experiencing is normal. Be patient with yourself. Be kind to yourself.

And remember, Ann, it does not matter what/who you are grieving – all grieving is just that – grieving. Anne

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A person doesn't have to be part of your everyday life for you to grieve them like this, they just have to be part of your everyday heart, and your brother obviously is. You are not only grieving your brother, but are also experiencing an aftermath of emotions...anger that you had to lose your brother so young while others still have theirs, anger that he lost his life when he still had so much to experience. Anger for all of the future times that have been ripped away from the two of you. Anger just because.

Anger has a purpose, it can fuel change, it can be a catalyst for implementing things in our lives. It's not good for anger to become a permanent visitor, but this is still new and fresh and a part of your grief response.

It's also normal to want comfort, be it food, or whatever make us feel better. We're trying to restore the balance as we hurt so much. Listen to the inside of you, it will tell you what you need.

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