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My Hopes For You In The New Year


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I thought of saying Happy New Year but I know that rings hollow for most of us here. Even those of us who have been in this journey for quite some time and are rather used to it now, are subdued by the many shootings that have gone on in the nation recently, and the Fiscal Cliff looms over us. Everywhere we see problems but we don't know the solutions. For us, our lives have changed to the extent that some of the world's problems loom pale in comparison. And many from other parts of the world, other than the US, are facing their own economic and world problems.

But still I have hope for you.

I have hope that in this next year we will make each others journeys a little more tolerable.

I have hopes that we can learn to cope and adjust to what we must.

I have hopes that those who are newer at this will learn that their loved one lies within them, ready to be drawn upon at a moment's notice, and their love continues, that death is not powerful enough to snuff it out.

I have hope that each of us will find some flicker of light each day and that we will have the focus to recognize it and grasp a hold of it.

I have hope that each of us will continue to look for good and let that be our focus.

And I have hope that each of us will learn our own inner strength in a way we never dreamed possible.

That we will learn to make decisions and be proud of ourselves.

That our loved one is rooting us on and cheering for us as if in the sidelines, willing us on.

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Lovely, Kay. Thank you and may your year be calm and filled with loving moments. Mary

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I want to be numb tonight. It is two years and 21 days since I lost the most important person in my life.

Tonight at midnight I will raise a glass of champagne in her memory--thank god for one glass bottles--and remember the 24 good New Year's we had together.

To all of you: blessed be on this final night of 2012. May the new year be filled with positive change and joy. And may we all still be on the right side of the grass when that year ends.

Peace,

Harry

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Harry, being numb works for me also.

It gets pretty silent on New Year's Eve...

I do plan to take care of myself and thank you for your kind words.

Peace to your heart and as we both walk towards that third anniversary may be find quiet within our spirits.

Mary

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Guest babylady

i wish i could be numb but i'm crying like a baby. my whole body is shaking. 41 new year's eve with john and now he's gone. i distracted myself the whole night watching HGTV, but i can't anymore.

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Last night I felt so alone. I heard gunshots nearby and it scared me. I called 911 but of course they didn't do anything. I don't know what I expected. I was sitting there thinking how everyone seems to have someone and they're seeing in the new year together...and here I am home alone again, it's pathetic. I looked up at the picture of George on the wall and tried to remember what it was like, sitting on the couch cuddling with him, and it felt like a million years ago, like a dream, another lifetime. I wonder, will he ever hold me again? Is there really afterlife? I always believed there was, why would I have doubts now? What is it about death that makes you question everything!! It does. It turns your whole life upside down and throws you for a loop. I've gotten used to this mundane lonely life of mine, but that doesn't mean I don't wish I could have my old life back. It seems so unfair that everyone else is going on, living their life, still have their mate, while we here are alone. What luck of the draw! Nothing could prepare you for how this would be, nothing! We used to talk about it, I thought I would be okay, I was always independent and self-sufficient (or so I thought), I didn't begin to realize how lost I'd feel without him. I knew what he meant to me, I knew how much I loved him, but I didn't realize how hugely this would impact me and my life. And I thought it would be years before I'd lose him so didn't really think about it that deeply. Why do some get to be married 50 years and we just got 3 years 8 months? What a waste, having that cut so short was!

Okay, sorry for my rant...see, I don't always feel so positive. I think that's it, we try to be and for the most part we can be, but we still have our times when it really gets to us...no matter how far out we are in our journey.

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Dear Kay

I feel so much for you. I'm one of the lucky ones who had almost fifty years. Ok it isn't enough. It would never have been enough but I'm aware that compared to you I was incredibly blessed. All I can say is that the depth of your love for George and his for you really comes over. When I say I feel your pain its not just words. Jan x

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First of all dear Kay, I thank you for you message of hope at the beginning of this post. How very different our lives are now that we have lost our dear ones. The pain is intense. It does come and go. The loneliness is there even if you are not alone. Those of us who have lost spouses know that all to well. You continue to be an inspiration to all of us. I only hope that I will be as brave as you are after a few years! Let's go into the New Year with that hope you talked about at the top of this post. Remember, you are not alone. We are all here to listen to each others rants. So let's all rant. Hugs. Anne

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This was my third NYE without Mike. A group of friends and I were together, recalling a NYE 5 years ago in the same place, with Morris (my friend Dana's husband) and Mike still alive and at that party. We were recalling playing trivial pursuit that NYE 5 years ago, and telling funny tales about that night. We also played Trivial pursuit last night, and toasted those who were not there, Morris (died 2009), Mike (died 2010) and, Ann (Tom's wife, died 2009) . They will never be forgotten.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

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Mary, I am glad to see you back, but glad also that you got some time with your friends. I only hope that other Mary is soon well...I will worry until she is!

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Harry and Kay,

I just got an email with your posts in it.,I thank you for your love and concern. I am going to be fine. This pneumonia has zapped all the energy I had but I am starting to eat (lots of soup here) and I just have to come back slowly. I am being very stingy with my energy as I have little. Thank you for your concern.

Kay, I know about the bad moments/hours and am glad this group is here for you and you for all of us. Thinking of you these days.

Harry, I do understand your mission to help others and if joy comes your way in the midst of that..it is great but not essential. That is my journey also.

Mary, glad to see you on the posts. I am getting better...long way to go...starting with walking to the kitchen without wobbling :)

Thank you all and may this year find all of us continuing to heal and find ourselves and our paths.

Love

Mary

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I am new to this site. My husband died suddenly October 26, 2012. The New Year is a sad prospect for me without him. We were married 47 years. Had just that week had a discussion of what we wanted to do in the next 20 years. I am so sad. I can not stop thinking about him and missing him and crying. I have been living with my son, daughter in law and two grandchildren. I am trying to get up the courage to go to my own home tonight. We had just bought our brand new home and lived in it only one and a half months before he died. We had it built just the way we wanted it. It is beautiful but it holds no joy for me. It is a dream destroyed. This grief is so overwhelming. I am generally a very happy person. I know the Lord and know that He was not surprised when my husband walked through Heaven's gates. I do believe in Heaven. So on the one hand I know my Jerry has never been happier or healthier in his life. I teeter on the fence of knowing to want him back is selfish but wanting him back anyway. I just wish someone could tell me how many days of this terrible anguish I will have to live through. I could set my face and just gut my way through. The skin on my face is raw from tears. I want them to stop.

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ooeypay,

I am so sorry you lost your husband. It is very hard when the loss is sudden and you have no time to prepare yourself mentally for what suddenly hits. With time, you may feel differently about your home, perhaps even finding comfort in being in the place the both of you dreamed of. Right now you are assailed with raw emotions and it's very difficult to navigate through that early grief. I am glad you have your son and DIL and grandchildren to care and be there. Good luck as you venture back into your home.

Yes we can be glad they aren't suffering and are in a better place (those of us who believe that way), yet the fact remains that WE are suffering and are stuck here dealing with everything without them, and that causes us a multitude of emotions, all at once! I look forward to the day I can be with George again, and yet, I am in the here and now and don't want to just be waiting to die...I don't want to miss whatever good there might be in the present. One of the hardest things I've had to do is make the effort to look for good and I don't think it comes easily or naturally when you are laden with grief...it's easy to think "What good can there be without my husband!" but I've found there are bits of good, we have to look for and embrace them. Not the good in the sense of having him here to hold me or smile at me from across the breakfast table, but still, other little pieces of good (a child's smile, a puppy's kiss, a beautiful sunset, someone doing something kind, etc.). It took years for me to process George's death, and in that time I felt tremendous pain, anger, questioning, fear, you name it. My life is not what I had planned, but now it is okay. Not joyous like it was before, but okay. Most of the time (now) I am happy, but there are times when other feelings creep in...and it has been over 7 1/2 years for me.

You are in my thoughts and prayers, I hope you will continue to come here. This site has been my lifeline and I hope it will be that to you as well.

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Dear ooeypay,

Take a deep breath. Now let it out slowly. Now take another one and do the same.

I--we--are all sorry you have lost your husband. All of us here know that feeling too well. We have sat where you are and really understand the pain you are going through right now.

I wish any of us could tell you when the tears will stop for you. For me, it has been two years since I lost my wife, and I still have days I cannot stop the tears and the emptiness. Like you, I am confident about Jane's whereabouts and state. That knowledge does not help much.

And I wish any of us could tell you it gets better. It becomes more endurable over time, the tears ease up, and you can laugh again--but for me, at least, the pain is still there. I can forget it for a time, but it is a constant companion just on the edge of consciousness.

For some folks it gets easier faster than for others. But none of us can say which way it will move or how fast.

For right this very now, self-care is the most important thing you can be doing. Eat regular, healthy meals--even when you don't feel like eating. Drink lots of water. Avoid alcohol--it will only make you more depressed. Go to bed at the same time every night. Get up the same time every morning. Go for a walk every day--the exercise will help clear your head and get your body to release endorphins that will help you feel better and more positive.

I found that regular routines were very helpful to me at the start. I made the bed every day, washed the dishes as I dirtied them, and showered and shaved every day.

And I wrote--and still do--a lot, both here and elsewhere. The people here are good folks who will listen to your deepest despair and not judge you for your depressions. We have all been there--many of us still are--and we know the value of having people simply listen.

Grief counselors will tell you to live one day at a time. Right now, that is too long a period of time for you to focus on. At one point I was living one second at a time--that was all I could control. Gradually, a minute becomes possible, then ten minutes, then half an hour, and an hour. But sometimes a wave of grief hits and I am back to living second by second. It's ok. We don't control grief--and it is better to let it have its way sometimes than to fight it. And we are here to catch you when you fall.

Someone once described this is a club none of us wants to belong to. But it is not a club. Rather it is a community bound together by a common experience we really all wish we had not had, but that we try to help each other through. We all are more sorry for your loss than you can know right now because we have all been through it--and continue to go through it each day.

One of my favorite writers has a saying that is at the core of this group: "Shared sorrow is lessened; shared joy is multiplied." You are likely not ready for the second half of that statement, but the first half is all you need accept for now. Share your sorrow with us, secure in the knowledge that you are among people who care about you and who know from experience the difficulties you are encountering.

Start by talking about yourself and your husband--who you were and who you are.

We are here to listen.

Peace,

Harry

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ooeypay, I am so very sorry for your loss. It sounds as if Jerry's death was sudden, and I know how that feels. My husband died on Jan 13, 2010 of a sudden massive coronary. He had not been ill, nothing, but in an instant he was gone. I was not even with him, having had total knee replacement two days before in a hospital an hour and a half from our home. Things must seem impossible to you right now, and I hesitate to give the old cliche about time. However for me, time has helped. I still miss Mike dreadfully, and find myself so very sad that all of our plans for our retirement have gone away. After his death, the things we planned together did not seem right, they were for us together!! So I have retired, but following my own path, making new plans as I go along. Do I still cry, yes. Do I still at times feel dispair, yes. Do I miss him, yes always. But it is not as gut wrenching as it was nearly 3 years ago, or 2 years ago, or even last year. Slowly I am evolving. Not the same person I was when Mike died. I have had to learn to be stronger, to do things I did not think I could do. I have to be the "driver" now. Mike always did all the driving, he liked to drive and I do not, but I have had to get over that! Go ahead and cry, you need that. Go home, and be in the house that you planned together. I think you will be glad that you did. My daughter came and lived with me for a month after Mike's death, but even though it was good to have her there, I did not actually start dealing with my grief until I was alone. Mainly because I tried so hard not to fall apart in front of others. Praying for peace and strength for you.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

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Dear ooeypay,

I am so very sorry for the loss of your husband of 47 years. Your life as you have known it has just been turned upside down and your heart shattered along with your dreams. The tears you want to stop are actually your healers and in time they will subside. Right now the expression of your pain is also a tribute to your love. Let them flow. When my husband died in 2010 I, too, thought I would never stop sobbing and wailing but tears now are less frequent though the waves of grief come in unexpectedly and often. These early days you are most likely still in shock and in a fog....lost so to speak. Taking care of yourself is important...take it from one who has learned the hard way. Eat well, walk, sleep as you can and try not to look forward. There are others here who have recently lost husbands of 50 years and they will most likely share with you. Do keep coming back. Read old posts as they will help you understand the process of grief and do visit Marty's site (www.griefhealing.com) as there are many many articles and references that help. Grief moves differently for each of us. It takes the time it takes. I found reading to be very helpful and devoured books on grief. Talking to we here who have walked this path is extremely helpful. No one gets it like someone who has lost a beloved spouse. Others might say the wrong things as well intentioned as they are. Listen to your own heart and voice. I am in your age range, 72, and we are old enough and wise enough to know we must honor our own trek and get support as we do so. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I believe I will see Bill again, and though that is good, it does not diminish my longing for him. I talk to Bill every day, write poems, journal. And you will find what eases the pain for a moment or two. 47 years is a long time and this journey is not a short one. It honors your love. Keep coming back here. You will soon find yourself to be part of a group of non-judgmental and loving people who get it. Peace to your heart. Mary

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Dear ooepay I am in a similar situation to you as my Pete died in May just before our 50th wedding anniversary. I am still deep in sorrow and expect it to be with me permanently but I am surviving somehow and this forum and its wonderful people have helped me so much. Please share more about your husband with us. And Harry has great advice for you. Our world has shattered and we have to carry our loved ones forward in the lives we have to lead. I can't believe that Pete has left me and I think after such closeness he must still be alongside me. It sounds as though you have faith and I hope eventually that will sustain you. Jan

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