ShanN Posted January 7, 2013 Report Share Posted January 7, 2013 Hi. I am new here, though not new to intense immense grief. I am almost 40 yrs old. I lost my precious Mama in 1989 when I was 15. She was 41. My stepfather shot and killed her in my presence. Following his abusing and raping me from age 5 until 15. He threatened to take her from me if I ever spoke. Well, she found out. And he took her. I don't know how to get past it. The PTSD, anxiety, flashbacks, depression, etc... Are horrendous. :-( I thank God for my wonderful blessed therapist. I would not survive if it weren't for her... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShanN Posted January 7, 2013 Author Report Share Posted January 7, 2013 Apparently this site is not very active... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kavish Posted January 7, 2013 Report Share Posted January 7, 2013 ShanN, Reading your story I had to take a double take and waded whether and how I can respond. You indeed are brave to acknowledge what has been so wrong in the past. I think it is positivism and hope in you which is asking you to move forward from the past. You are strong and you will prevail. Your heart is strong now and will be stronger and pour forth. For me all negativity was blocking in my mind and now I have tried to let my heart overpower the mind by listening to my heart for direction. Thanks, Kavish Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShanN Posted January 7, 2013 Author Report Share Posted January 7, 2013 Thank you for replying Kavish. It was difficult to post... I guess because of safety and big trust issues. But am slowly learning to reach out more... Though I find myself pulling back a lot of times still. But I am trying. My mind is so full, but just by reaching out here and going to therapy and a trauma and loss group... I am using more of my heart to guide me. It gets lonely still though. God bless and thanks again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 7, 2013 Report Share Posted January 7, 2013 ShanN, OMG, that is a lot to deal with, esp. as a child! I'm glad you have a therapist, and also your group. Murder is something you hear about in the news, you don't expect it to touch your world so closely as it has yours. My heart goes out to you. I'm not a stranger to abuse either, grew up with physical abuse from my mom. Now she's in a Dementia Care Facility, she's 90. Some people don't understand why I'd visit her. Let's just say she was plagued with demons all her life, and I leave all that for God to judge...I wouldn't let her abuse me as an adult, and I long ago learned not to rely on her for emotional support, etc., but I try to let the past be past. It took years to come to terms with everything though (I'm 60 now). The loss of Spouse section probably has more activity, but some people should be along to respond...it sometimes takes a couple of days. BTW, was your former stepdad ever held to account for his actions? I certainly hope so! Do you have any siblings? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted January 7, 2013 Report Share Posted January 7, 2013 Dear ShanN Life has asked you to carry a very heavy load. I was relieved as I read your post to know you have a therapist to assist you with all of this. I believe you will find people here who are accepting and who listen and care. Hang in with your posts as Kay says, it sometimes to takes a bit of time. In the meantime, I offer you support as will others here. It is a good place to vent or just find others who are in pain so you feel less alone on this journey you are on. I grew up in an alcoholic home and dealt with that and childhood sexual abuse in therapy...took a while. Most recently I lost my husband...the worst day of my life. You are smart to be working with a therapist regularly so that hopefully one day you can be free of the torment and pain you are struggling with now and find joy in life. Peace to you, Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShanN Posted January 7, 2013 Author Report Share Posted January 7, 2013 I thank you all for your kind words of understanding and support. I'm having a real "trying" day... Overwhelming. I'm very sorry for your losses and grief as well. ((((Gentle hugs)))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted January 8, 2013 Report Share Posted January 8, 2013 Trying days are very familiar to all who come here. We are fragile and raw as we deal with losses and pain. I admire your determination to deal with all that is on your plate and am glad you joined the group. Peace to your hurting heart, Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShanN Posted January 9, 2013 Author Report Share Posted January 9, 2013 Thank you Mary. I am actually feeling very fragile. I can't imagine losing my husband. But that is a daily very real fear. He has been insulin dependent for 30yrs and as a result has congestive heart failure, renal failure stage 3, has had heart attacks, a triple bypass, 3 stents, multiple TIA's, COPD... And so many many fragile days and hospitalizations. Drs said he would be lucky to live past 50... He is 52. But his twin brother passed on at age 43 from the same issues. But drs are not God and cannot tell a very stubborn man he won't make it to 50... LOL... My hubby will prove them wrong! I have abandonment fears with all that occurred in childhood. I thank God for every day with my husband. Because its a gift. So many take advantage of. I'm very sorry for your losses. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted January 9, 2013 Report Share Posted January 9, 2013 Dear ShanN, I am sure that you feel very fragile with all you have had and continue to deal with. Loss after loss and then living with your husband's health issues. It sounds like your husband has already proven the doctors wrong. I do know the fear as Bill died of Alzheimer's and we both knew how it would end and that it would end. It is devastating. I do understand your fear of abandonment also if you lost your husband. You have been through so much and he is a stable person in your life who loves you and who is your safe place. Nothing can take the place of being first in someone's life...I miss that a lot. Do you want to share more, talk more of your fragile feelings or other feelings? Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShanN Posted January 11, 2013 Author Report Share Posted January 11, 2013 It's so hard to feel so fragile and overwhelmed and just need and want the one person who I know would make it all better. My Mama. She was the very first love of my life. She meant more to me than any person ever has. My Nana, her Mom, was equal in that capacity. I had my Nana for 10 more yrs than my Mom. I was 25 when my Nana passed from a long painful battle with lung cancer. I cared for her and was heartbroken when she passed. But with my Nana, I have moved through my grief, I have coped well. But with my Mom's murder, it's just so very different. It will be 24 years in April and I just keep going round and round and the trauma of him killing her and then I held her in my lap when he fled, and screamed for her to live to wake up... But it was too late... She was gone just like that. I've worked so hard in therapy for 7yrs with the most amazing lady... But flashbacks are horrific, anxiety is horrific. And I just want to be able to go to my Mom... She would just hug me and take the hurt away. It's so hard to need the one person I can't have... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 11, 2013 Report Share Posted January 11, 2013 My own mom was not there for us and did not love us, she was very abusive and crazy. I've dealt with her personality disorders all of my life, and now she is 90 and in a Dementia Care Facility. I try to be a good daughter to her, I visit her, I listen to her even though she's extremely paranoid and negative, and I strive to forgive her (while forgiveness may have a beginning point, it often is a progressive action). So to hear someone say their mother was their first love and miss them, it's hard for me to relate...I never had that kind of a parent. My husband, however, was my love, he adored me and treated me accordingly and feelings were very mutual. We just had a great relationship. I lost him 7 1/2 years ago and have had to learn to do life without him, and it's hard. So although the relationship is different, I am grieving my own loss. One thing I've learned through all of this journey is that you can learn to cope/adjust better but you always continue to miss the person...you learn to live with the grief. Focusing on the here and now helps my perspective greatly...it's when I take on the whole future and life looming before me without him that I get overwhelmed. Spending too much time on the past also lends it's own problems as it can rob me of the joy of what there is today, however brief or small. Today it is snowing and beautiful. It is so easy for me to get caught up in the hardship of shoveling or trying to drive in a blizzard, but if I can not worry about that and just enjoy looking out the window (during my breaks) and watching the beauty, I have the added joy of that moment that I don't have if I focus totally on the hardship. It's a continual lesson to me because I tend to be a worrier. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Novi Posted January 15, 2013 Report Share Posted January 15, 2013 Hi. I am new here, though not new to intense immense grief. I am almost 40 yrs old. I lost my precious Mama in 1989 when I was 15. She was 41. My stepfather shot and killed her in my presence. Following his abusing and raping me from age 5 until 15. He threatened to take her from me if I ever spoke. Well, she found out. And he took her. I don't know how to get past it. The PTSD, anxiety, flashbacks, depression, etc... Are horrendous. :-( I thank God for my wonderful blessed therapist. I would not survive if it weren't for her... Sorry for this delayed post - I'm sort of new here too... I posted here a few times after my mom's death in 2011 and haven't really been back since. For whatever reason, I seemed alright until after the one year mark, and lately I feel like I'm starting to grieve for her (all over again?)... anyways, I regret not being more active, because I'm just now starting to respond to other people's posts. Support is helpful both given and received... I was very sad to read about what happened to you. You've endured so many types of grieving, I'm sorry you went through so much. You've pretty much endured pain and loss your entire life. I have a friend that lives in the city I just moved from, and when he was 12 he was involved in a car accident. His dad died while saving his life. When his dad was killed he was the same age as me, 32. My friend is a few years older than me, and I remember the months leading up to his 32nd birthday, he was convinced that as punishment for killing his dad (which is not true to begin with) he would die before he turned 32. Do you ever think like that? I ask because you wrote in one of your responses to one of my threads: "Why did he take her life when I was a child. It wasn't her fault. It was mine". I hope you didn't mean that, because this was not at all your fault. And I hope that your stepdad is being punished for the crimes he committed to you and your mother. I'm very happy that you managed to find a therapist that you trust. At least you're getting a bit of a break in life, especially now that your husband is in the hospital. Get some rest and feel better so you can be there with him! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShanN Posted February 9, 2013 Author Report Share Posted February 9, 2013 Novi, I'm just seeing this now. I'm so sorry that your friend endured that loss and guilt... I think survivor guilt is so very very common. ESP in homicides, suicides, and sudden traumatic losses. Not that guilt doesn't play a roll in all other grief too. But I totally feel at fault. For many reasons. He killed her because of me. He killed her because she found out he was raping me. And I stood there and didn't try to stop him. I wanted to take that bullet instead of her. I wanted somehow to have him put that gun to MY head... Not hers. And I wanted to protect her and save her and I didn't. It just "amazes" me for lack of a better word... That the pain in my heart after almost 24 yrs is still so overwhelmingly intense and immense. One moment. One gunshot. And it is as fresh as that night. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted February 9, 2013 Report Share Posted February 9, 2013 Dear Shannon, I can not imagine the pain you have lived through and with. And I am certain you would have taken that bullet for your mom. It is hard, in death, to avoid feelings of guilt but this was not your fault. This was a man who had really serious problems and it is hard for us to get inside a mind like his. I am sure you are working through all this in your therapy process and I could tell you for the next ten hours that it was not your fault and words are empty. My hope for you is that someday through all the work you are doing you will arrive at that insight and conclusion yourself and find some peace with it. It is like someone telling me, early after Bill died, not to feel guilty because I was not a perfect caregiver even though exhausted and in trauma. Nice to hear but it was something I had to work through myself with help. I am so glad you are being loyal to yourself by continuing to deal with all this in therapy. Right now your job is also to take care of your own health. That is difficult for a survivor of incest and trauma to do but I do pray you will, every single day, make a promise to yourself that you will have self compassion...the compassion your mom would have for you and does. Peace, Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted February 9, 2013 Report Share Posted February 9, 2013 My prayers are with you also, Shannon, and as Mary said continue to work through this pain and know that it is NOT your fault. Take care to rest and know that we here on this forum carry you in our hearts. Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted February 9, 2013 Report Share Posted February 9, 2013 Shannon, it was not you that did not stop him, it was the shock that did not let you move. This is way too much for a child. Realize, this is not you the adult that was there that day, this was you the child. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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