Everything Seems So Shallow

[enna]

Everything Seems so Shallow

Dear Members,

No matter how hard I try to move forward in my new life I am left with the sharp pain of missing the one and only true love of my life. There is a void that cannot be put into words. Words, music, nature, and dance are all expressions of the love I have for Jim, but nothing fills the void of his death. Nothing.

My memories are treasures but they do not replace the need to be held and told that I am loved. Words of encouragement are appreciated but they do not nor can they replace the conversations we had together over coffee and dessert. Music soothes me and provides a calm over me but it does not replace the ache I have to be sitting with Jim and listening to the music together. Beautiful flowers, trees, brooks, mountains, and sunsets are all breathtaking but the joy of watching and seeing all these things without Jim is heartbreaking to me at this time.

I want to be grateful for all that I have but the most important person I want is no longer with me. I am trying to place him in my imagination but it is not the same. It is not the same and I want it to be the same.

I feel ashamed to have all these thoughts that appear to be so self-centered but I can’t seem to accept the loss of the one and only person who completed me.

Moving forward is not going to be an easy task and I want it to be easy so it is not so painful. This awakening of the death of Jim has stopped me right in my tracks and I only have energy to cry until I’m exhausted. I once told someone that I was not an angry person but now I find myself lashing out at Jim for leaving me alone. I know I gave him permission to go but I now realize that I didn’t want him to leave me. If I had known that it would have been so painful I never would have told him it was ok.

My only comfort with all of this right now is that I do believe that I am grieving and that it is all right for me to have all of these thoughts. I am sharing this with you because I am sure I am not the only one who is or has felt this way about any loss of a cherished one. Anne

[mfh]

Dear Anne, I know I am only one of many of us who have had all those feelings. The hole left by Bill is gigantic and can never be filled. It does get easier for lack of a better word. But like you, shallow defines so much. I do look forward to getting my health back so I can get more involved in helping others as that is more healing to me than most anything. In the meantime, I am so glad to see you sharing here as it helps you and others. The world is gray but once in a while a lovely flower will capture your heart and over time you will see more and more of them but it is early...just months since Jim died...and it is time to grieve....a time to grieve and grieving is far from selfish. It is an expression of love that the two of you shared.

Peace to your heart,

Mary

[enna]

Thank you, Mary, for your kind words. You get well. I know you understand. Peace. Anne

[kayc]

Oh Anne, your words could have been written by me...or any one of us. We DO "get it" because each of us feels or has felt exactly the same way. It's true, nothing is the same and nothing takes the place of having them here in person, holding us, getting to feel and smell them and hear their voice. I know that this loss is something that I have to live with and I know that it is up to me alone to make the best of what is left of my life and I know that I will never again, in this world, be held by George, be loved and cared about as he alone cared for me, or light up anyone's eyes in that same way again. That was a hard pill to swallow. Am I merely biding time, waiting for the day to go be with him? Maybe...I hope not though, I hope there's something left for me, there are times I wonder and doubt it. There are good days and bad days. As time goes by you do get more used to this existence, but no, it is never the same as it was, and yes, we all wish it could be.

I wish I was there in person to hug you. It's funny how "touch-less" my life has become. Aside from my pets, or a once every few months visit from one of my kids, my life is without touch. We come to miss that...a lot.

[enna]

Thank you for being such an understanding soul, Kay. You always give me peace. I know people "get" it and I treasure that. I am grateful for this site because I do know that I can say anything and I will not be judged for my words. I know we all have good and bad days and it's what we do with them that helps us along our way. I feel your hugs because I know that you are so sincere. Yes, I am struggling with how "touch-less" life has become for me. That is part of what makes me sad. I am trying to be in the moment and accept that I am where I need to be. It is so easy to say that 'I'm where I am suppose to be' yet quite another to accept it. And I do know that I am so early in my grief that I need to grieve and not try to skip over the pain of Jim not being here. I do believe that it will come. I have never been a patient person. Thank you for being here while I struggle. So many of you have been so kind. Anne

[Wifflesnook]

Dear Anne

I am having a really bad time right now and your words went straight into my heart. It's 9.30 pm here and the house is quiet and there is this HUGE Hole, where my Pete should be and has been alongside me. And tonight it is totally unbearable and yet I have to bear it because who can bear it for me? I wrote to him in my journal and told him I couldn't bear it but I still feel glad it's me and not him. I suppose that is true love. As I put my clothes away I thought how awful it would have been for him to look at my clothes if it had been me that had died first. I'm glad he didn't have to do that.

Anne, maybe one day we will feel grateful in our bones. Now it's almost an intellectual exercise and I know I've been so lucky to have my Pete for fifty years but now I'm here in the present without him and the past isn't helping me at all. We need somehow to be able to truly feel the gratitude of what we had with our soul mates. I wonder how we can do that? I'm not able to do it and I can't imagine ever being able to. I just want my Pete here with me. Meanwhile I really connect with you and others on the forum like Harry, Mary, Kay. Yes everything seems shallow. My life seems totally meaningless. I think I always knew that it was Pete who gave it meaning, and how can I find any meaning now? Sorry to be so totally negative but I can't see anything positive right now except in the past. Yes I'm feeling sorry for myself and I feel I should think about others worse off but there is a time and place for that and I hope everyone will excuse us if we just yowl!

[kayc]

Jan,

Knowing there are others worse off doesn't negate how you feel and never did anything to make me feel better. Your feelings are very valid and ones we've all experienced. Believe me, I have my days...times when I don't see the point of anything. Yes that feels very negative. But ask one person who thinks that's off base and I bet you anything they haven't lost their spouse! I look up on the wall at George's picture and it seems like an entire lifetime ago that he was here...so far is my life removed from that one. I never took one moment with him for granted, I lived and loved each moment to the fullest and I'm so glad I did because we didn't get that many years together. Sometimes I feel gypped but who am I going to sue? Sometimes I try to imagine his arms around me, just to get a fraction of that feeling back...it's not the same but there's times I'd settle for crumbs of him...anything, just to feel his presence once again in the most minute form.

[mfh]

Dear Jan,

I am so sorry you are having so much pain. I do know that alone, lost, empty feeling well and it is part of the loneliness of grief. No one really knows, but you, what you lost. As much as each of us has our own pain there is that sacred space unique to each of our losses where no one can enter. I agree totally with Kay...your loss, your pain, your grief is yours and not to be compared to anyone else's loss or pain. That is sort of like saying to a mother who lost her child...well at least you have two more. It makes no sense. Your sadness is yours and it is a symbol of the rich love you and Pete shared for so many years. I have not wailed for a while but if wailing is yowling....I found myself wailing (yowling) so often over the first many many months. It is a release as are the tears. I am glad you are yowling...and glad, so glad, you are sharing your pain here where so many can "wrap" their arms around you. I know nothing can take away that pain...but at least for me, knowing I am not alone in it or with it helps so much. We are here and I am still here for you. I am now reading your posts again. Know that you are loved and that it is just fine for you to feel every single feeling you have, it is not selfish. Share what you wish of those here and yes, yowl. Peace and love to you, Mary

[Wifflesnook]

Thank you. I did feel just a tiny bit better after I had written that last post. It does help to share and then getting such warm words from you two, Kay and Mary, makes me feel comforted. And Kay, I know that you didn't have anything like the time with your George that I had with Pete which makes your words so generous. Yes wailing is yowling (maybe I made the word up??). Actually it was just silent tears and a bit of sobbing tonight. And no Pete to put his arms around me and take the pain away. All we can do is reach out to each other and feel each others pain and I am so grateful that we can do that. I can't express how grateful I am for the support I find here. Love and peace from Jan.

[mfh]

I am so glad, Jan, that you felt a bit better. It makes a huge difference to feel others are there...others who get it.

Yes, the support here is sacred....

Peace and love to you,

Mary

[enna]

My Dear Jan,

I am hearing you. One thing I am trying to understand is how to deal with the emotions that come at me with such force. We have talked about this. It is not easy to let the pain happen. We are too new in our grief. I've always been one to get over things in my life but the death of Jim is not something I'm 'getting over.' I know I will find a way to accept and embrace it but it is not coming easy and I so do not like pain. You can feel anyway you want to feel and that is alright here on this forum. I understand what you mean when you say you connect with some of the people here. We are blessed to have those who walk with us in our grief.

I know we are all in our own grief yet we are so compassionate with each other. We are very much aware that others here are with us. I am finding that I'm more sensitive to the pain around me. I am grateful to Mary, Kay, you, Marty, and others who have reached out to me. It is humbling. I am learning from the compassion of others.

A quote from Maya Angelou that I have been thinking about: "I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." I carry everyone I know in my heart and most of the time I am grateful. There just are those days that I am in need of those hugs and encouraging words from fellow grievers. Anne

[mfh]

Anne, I do know that letting the pain exist and be expressed and felt is a tough challenge. I just know that we bury feelings alive and they are powerful when buried. So, owning them as difficult as that is, is important. Sharing here and getting feedback from so many is a great place to do some of this but of course there are those times when the tears fall and no one is there to hold you. I think, as I said a while back, that being held for more than 60 seconds is something we all miss so much especially when we are in the pain we feel. The other day I was in such pain physically and then emotionally and a friend I trust stopped by and held me as I sobbed....it is rare when that happens but it just felt so good to cry in someone's arms. Granted it was not Bill and it was not nearly as long as I need to be held but I am grateful for her presence. I wish you had a couple of folks like that in your life...I am glad you are here. And yes, in time, it will be easier...never easy at least not yet for me....but better. Love, Mary

[MartyT]

Anne, dear, I just read this post over at Widow's Voice and thought of you. I hope it brings you just a touch of comfort: One Year Older . . .

[mfh]

Marty, I read this earlier today and thought it was a great piece...great post as usual.

Mary

[enna]

Thank you for your post, Marty, about ‘One Year Older.’ I agree with Mary, it is a good article. And right now, I cannot imagine not remembering Jim’s B/Day ever. Right now, for me, Jim is consuming my every thought. Everything around me is a reminder of his being here. Everything in this house holds concrete reminders of Jim. And I want them to. I know that eventually I will move forward and many of these thoughts I have will be reminders that Jim is in my heart, he is in my children, he is in my memories, and he will never be forgotten. I have to say that I will look forward to forgetting if only for a little while my Jim. He will always be in my heart. I will find pleasures in life around me. April 3^rd will come and I know I will miss him more than ever because it will be only our first B/Day away from one another after spending forty years celebrating B/Days together. I cannot imagine at this time that in two or three or more years I will think of Jim but not with so much heartache.

I am encouraged to know that life will get easier, the pain will be less severe, and there will be days that Jim will be a little more in the background of my pain. The hole will always be there. The heart will always ache. Perhaps not as much.

For those of you who are waiting for my DX from the doc - my tests results came back today – 1/9/2013

Stage 3/4 kidney disease - GFR reading indicated a # close to stage 4 but still stage 3 - DX could be reason for uncontrolled high B/P, edema, dyspnea, and Stage C, Class 111 congestive heart failure. Now doesn’t that sound serious!!? So I’m off to a cardiologist first to determine causes of the symptoms I’ve been having since early Dec. and then we’ll go from there. Primary Care docs can only do so much and since they can’t control my B/P I’m off to a guy who can figure out what is going on. I think they just want my money. Thank you for the prayers and your concern.

I think I need to take a road trip to England and see a friend of mine. Now if you, Mary, would hurry and get well maybe you can join me and we could sit around in our pjs and talk about our loved ones. What better therapy could there be!!??

Anne

[mfh]

Anne, I remember no matter where I went, who I was with or what I was doing...my grief was up front and predominating....for perhaps the first almost two years for me. Gradually I had moments, just moments, where it resided into the background a bit, and now once in a while I actually get into something (a meaningful conversation, art, a book, Bentley) and for a bit the grief slips way back to a place where I am not conscious of it. It does not stay there long but I see the progress. I have no doubt whatsoever that Bill will always be with me, be on my mind and in my heart and that grief is mine forever...it is my expression of love; it is my sorrow, my healer, my teacher and it is a part of who I am...always will be and I accept it just as I accept the gratitude I feel for having this wonderful man as my soulmate. It just takes so much patience. Remember I am approaching the third anniversary and it has taken this long to just get this far. I still cry easily...that is just fine...Bill and I were always both easily pulled to tears...now they are even more available and I actually like that about me. I have cycles of bad times and decent times and fairly good times. Sometimes the cycle is a day and sometimes a week and sometimes hours. As Clarissa Pinkola Estes says...we live on an infinity sign (8 on its side). On the one side we are in one space and slowly we slide over to the other side and then return...the timing varies within and between people. The left can be the need for solitude, the pain, or joy while the right is the opposite. I hope that makes sense. The ebb and flow of grief must be honored imho....and when honored and expressed...it subsides gradually but does not go away ever.

Now I am going to watch another episode of Downton Abbey Season 1 which I missed and if I can continue to understand the actors with their fast speech and accents (yes, Jan...you guys have an accent ...and yes I do to. People know I am from Chicago when they hear me speak....that is what they tell me.) if I can keep up, I will get more involved in the series.

The train whistle just blew...when that happens I see Bill reach for the remote if the TV is on and we sit in silence or stand hugging as it blows through each of the 5 intersections in town. He loved the sound. It is like a call to prayer now as it goes through about 5 times in a 24 hour day. So, now the tears...

Good night...Jan I know it is 3am there...so good morning

Mary

[kayc]

Funny you mention the infinity sign...we always signed our notes to each other with one...we have infinity signs on our wedding bands.

[kayc]

Oh my Anne, that is serious news! I'm confident they will give you a "where to go from here" list optimistically speaking!

Yes, the grief will become less intense and less consuming, it really takes time to get used to this, esp. when we were so closely entwined!

[enna]

Dear Kay,

Thank you for your concern. They say if we all live long enough something will go wrong. The kidney and heart are only in beginning stages of decline. And most reach those stages at a certain age. I'll wait for the cardiologist to tell me how worried I should be. I'd just like to get the B/P under cocntrol.

I think what I'm going to need to do is work on patience for my next goal. I have found that I really don't have much patience! So much for that virtue.

Mary,

I take in most everything you say and it gives me hope to know that we do come to a different place after our loss. Yes, what you said about the infinity sign does make sense. It is so difficult to accept the ebb and flow of this grief!

I so agree with you about accents. You should hear what they say about my Iowa/Chicago accent!

I love what you said about the train whistles. What a memory. Anne

[HAP]

Dear Anne,

Both my father and my father-in-law have had long term issues with their kidneys. FIL is on dialysis three days a week. They did a special operation on my father because dialysis does not work for him, and managed to restart one of his. Both kidney problems were related to high blood pressure and other heart issues. FIL is in his late 80s. My dad is 84 at the end of the month.

Be well, Anne. Do what they tell you to.

Peace,

Harry

[enna]

Thank you, Harry. This set back hit me around the first part of December. Docs are somewhat concerned because they can't control the B/P. I'll do what they say. I blame it on the fact that I just turned 70!!

Again, thank you so much for your post on Hunger. Anne

[kayc]

Anne, I think it might help to think outside the box for your BP. Medicine isn't controlling it. Stress plays a big part and since we can't control what happens to us in life, it's important to brainstorm ways for us to control how stress affects us. Maybe looking into different foods, yoga/meditation/prayer, soothing music, aromatherapy, relaxing, imagery, etc. It's worth a shot, what do you have to lose? Cinnamon lowers BP, try 1/4 tsp. on your toast every day. Look into what ups BP and what lowers it that you might ingest. I am one that struggles with my BP, and have had to do this. Regular walks help too, as does any exercise that isn't overly exerting. (Shoveling snow raises my BP so I have to do it in increments). Undoubtedly it is the stress of loss/grief that has set it soaring, so it's going to be up to you to reclaim your power and do everything you know to lower it. Medicines alone don't always do the trick.

[enna]

Thank you so much, Kay. I surely will take your words to heart. I like cinnamon and do use it. Prayer and meditation are fine, but I don't think the yoga thing will work out right now - too many chocolates over the holidays. I have a passion for music. I do walk but not as much as I'd like too. I am working on 'reclaming my power' and understand that stress can be a serious block. Since I've been awakening more to the loss of Jim feelings do enter my being and I ache all over. I guess it is the price one pays for loving too much. I did not think it possible to be so connected with another human being. As we live our lives we do just that - we are living and now I am finding that without my other half it is so painful. My hope is that I will work through this darkness and be able to find a new person in who I am. I love life and people so I can see me turning into someone who is different yet still me.

A few of us retired teachers are going to be setting up a library in a charter school here next week. I'll be ordering the ebooks and connecting the school with the software they'll use. One of the things I was involved in before I retired.

I'm struggling with going into IL to visit family during the winter so I'm still working on that. Health is first though.

Another thing I'm during is reading to second graders at one of the schools here. A teacher I mentored is now teaching second grade and I'm going to be 'grandma story teller.' Never thought I'd be doing that! I even have my own rocking chair in the "Reading Corner" of her classroom. Life does go on. Peace Anne

.

[mfh]

Dear Anne, I do think walking is a great exercise and when you get your four legged soon s/he will want and need to walk once or twice a day. Here is the address for Pet Partners https://www.petpartners.org/ They have a R.E.A.D. program where the dogs go to a school and the kids read to the dogs. The training for registration is the same as we went through but seems like something to consider as a goal once that pooch arrives home.

Mary

[enna]

Thank you, Mary for the link to Pet Partners. I am familiar with the web site. I talked to Pat (Jim's daughter) and I am ready to visit the pet rescue center and bring my luv dog home. She said that we will take a crate, etc. because we'll have a third passsenger when we return home. I had this strange feeling when I woke up this morning that something special was going to happen! I'll let you know if my special dog finds me. Anne