Lost My Child And Now I Am Lost

[LadyAnn]

I just lost my dog suddenly on sat night. I had Kacy since she was about 4 months old. She was my first pet that was truely mine and that I had from a baby to death. My husband and I have never been able to have human kids so she was my baby. I cradled her when I held her or she would sit up right and have 1 leg around each side of my neck. If she was up she would be cleaning my ears. for some reason she loved licking my ears. When she was tired she would cradle her head in my neck or sleep on my lap or with her friend. I am told a min pins usually does not live to 9 and I was lucky but I have read they can live til 12 to 15 years. For 9 she still played and ran like she was a baby. So much energy. It was a typical night, I let her and Leah (my other dog) out for the bathroom and prepped their food bowls. Kacy usually was done going first and came in. I played with her for a few moments to get her to eat since she can get hyper she gets distracted til i show her the food, Leah came in and started eating. Everything was normal and I walked to the bedroom to do something. My husband yelled at me to come out to the kitchen something was wrong with Kacy. She was on the floor away from her food bowl convulsing and struggling for air. In a state of panic Ishoved my finger into her throat to see if she had something stuck. it was clear. I was loosing my baby, I began CPR and I was still loosing her. We stopped hearing her heart, I began pumping it. I looked in her eyes and as they were on me I could see it in her face she was going. I picked her to cradle her and thats when I knew she was gone, Her bladder released what little bit was left. I held her like I always did and screamed and cried with my husband.

So sudden, no warning, no reason

Our vet of 9 years said she might have had a stroke or heart attack and in her bi yearly check ups is not something you see. It has been 3 days and I am still struggling as is my husband, I feel lost, my house is to quiet ( my other dog is not noisy) and depressed I will never see her again. I am trying to tell myself she was her with me for a reason but I really can not get that to make me feel better. I have been researching animal communicators but feeling it is not real and I really need legit if I can speak to her.

I have experienced human death with a double murder in front of me and a loved one who passed to early from depression. This is just so different and I think it is because of the love and connection we had and I can not give it up til I know for sure she is somewhere and ok. I know that is my logically side and my Christian side says to believe but right now my faith is failing me and I am sure that is normal.

I am tired of some saying it was a dog not a human and tired of reading people saying these things and then I came across this site and am hoping it can help me thru this since I am not alone. I have lost all interest in everything I was doing before this tragedy now with the thought of "what's the point? I might not be here tommorow and what would I have done all this for?" Maybe my normal 9-5 job is all I should do and stop pursing what was making me happy as work since my small package of joy has been taken from me.

I am just not sure how to feel at this point...I love seeing my other dog and my husband but man my home is so sad right now. I don't hear her dog tag jingleing on her collar nor see her running thru the house or her high pitch yipes when we walk in the door anymore. my home is not normal anymore.

Thank you for "listening"

The vet did tell me I did everything they would have done and even though I work in the medical field I feel so inadequate now aswell with all this that I could not save her

Edited January 8, 2013 by LadyAnn

[kayc]

Oh LadyAnn, I am so sorry you lost your Kacy! Yes, you did do all you could, it was just her time, there's no way we can know why. Believe me, all of your response is grief speaking and I have felt all of those things. If you read in loss of spouse, loss of child, loss of pet...you will find the same grief responses...questioning faith, not seeing any point in anything, etc. If you need temporary help from your doctor getting through this, don't be embarrassed or ashamed, it's quite common, really. Better to get help dealing with this than to ignore one's feelings. You might consider a grief counselor, some say they're of immense help. But gosh, if I lost my Arlie I would feel the same way, inconsolable.

Don't be so sure you won't see her again though. I believe we will be reunited with our loved ones, and that definitely includes our pets. How could heaven be heaven without our beloved dogs in it?

Right now, you have us here listening. Feel free to tell us anything you want to about her. I know your home doesn't feel the same without her. I'm so sorry...

Here is the Rainbow Bridge (click play button and then "watch on YouTube"):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZcQvYh_3Atw&feature=player_embedded

[LadyAnn]

Thank you so much for your response and the video. I love your name =)

My heart keeps saying I will see her again I just wish my logical brain would stop being so negative.

My husband and I started going thru all of our folders in all of our comps to find all of our pics and video we had of all the pets. Found one video of her a couple of years ago during the firefly season. She was sniffing around the yard to find her potty place and all the fireflys would blink as she would run around. Sometimes they got to close and she would get scared and jump and run to us lol it was so funny. We kept telling her it was ok and to go potty but everytime she did one got to close and lit up and she ran lol. Thinking about it just makes me laugh. I am really feeling like my joy has left me with her when I looked into her eyes as she left me, a part of me went with her that I just don't feel will ever come back =(

Here is a picture of her that we will use for our memorial we are setting up at our home with her ashes when we get her.

[LadyAnn]

They say your pets reflect you and did she ever. She could be just as ditzy as I could by not watching where she walks and BAM right into a door or wall. All I could do was laugh and hold her and tell her I do it too =)

[kayc]

I can feel you smile as you speak of her...even when the tears threaten to flow, she will put a smile on your face. The joy of her still lives, I can feel it as you write. The memories of our pets continue on, long after their bodies have passed, and I look forward to the day we can be joined together again.

My own granddoggy, Skye, has a short time left...the doctor said a few months, but that's been a while ago, so who knows how long, he has multiple problems. When his time comes, it's going to kill us...Skye has lived with me off and on throughout his life (my son is in college), and I'm very close to him. He's a "special" dog, much like a Down syndrome child, he's simple, not a lot going on in his brain most of the time, but very, very sweet, and very happy. He has a special place in this world and I don't know what we're going to do when he goes. Your telling me about your dog running into things reminded me of Skye...he doesn't run into things so much as he'll sit and stare at a wall for hours or look at the couch for a long time before deciding if he wants up there or not.

Ahh, it is those little quirks that make them special to us, it's part of who they are. We're just the lucky ones that get to have them for a time.

[LadyAnn]

I am so sorry for Skye, But you have some time to give Skye all the love you can. I am envious of that. He still loves unconditionally for being special and that is the best part. I will pray for you and your loving Skye.

It's funny you say he would stare at the couch for awhile before deciding to jump up or not, kacy would look at me and jump and jump and jump for what seemed like mins before finally jumping up into my lap. Almost like she was trying to decide also. made me think of that. was so funny.

I find I can get thru most of the day with a few moments on and off with tears but when I am with leah for pottying and feeding is when it hits me the most, knowing kacy is not there. when she was done going to the bathroom she would run super fast with tongue out and happy to the door knowing she is getting her food. I swear all I saw was a black streak thru the grass.

I do feel lucky I got her, Even though I am upset I had to loose her and now hurt worse then any car accident or surgery I have ever had.

[kayc]

Her little floppy ears are so cute, I can see them flapping in the wind!

It's going to take time...lots of time. I've learned that eventually the pain subsides to the point of being more manageable but we always continue to miss them. The hardest one I've lost was my husband. I figure if I can survive that, I can survive anything...but I don't want it tested.

[LadyAnn]

I keep seeing her in my mind running to me at rainbow bridge. I really hope what i see is true one day. those ears were so fun to watch and her tongue stuck out the side of her mouth and her run was so fast you could almost see a smoke trail =)

[kayc]

It shows in her picture! Believe and have faith that you will see her again. I honestly couldn't live w/o that belief. I have my husband, my dad, my dogs and cats to greet me when that time comes. Thinking of you today...