Hungers

[enna]

Pursue your dream, Harry. We do indeed have to look at things differently now that our soulmates are dead. Anne

[mfh]

Oh, yes...the garage light, the coffee in the morning, fixing the faucet before I had a chance to tell him it needed fixing, cleaning the house when I visited my mom so it would be done, making dinner...on and on and on the list goes. We are no longer first in anyone's lives...it is that way. it hurts.

Mary

[enna]

Oh Mary, I so agree - we are 'no longer first in anyone's lives' and it does so hurt. Who will stand by me when I win a pulitzer for my poems and the good deeds I accomplish during my lifetime. It is all dream... I know Jim would and Jane would and Pete would and Bill would. That is all I know.

[mfh]

and who will stand next to Harry when he takes the oath after Obama's term is up and who will stand next to me when....when...when.... Never. I know I can and will survive and in some ways even thrive...my goal. But I will always be sad that Bill is not here as all of us will be sad that our beloveds are not here at least in the body.

[kayc]

Hey, we'll all fly in and stand next to Harry when he's elected President! And Anne, gosh if you win the Pulitzer we'll have to fly out for that too!

I know, it's hard not being first to somebody, but I came home tonight and Arlie looked at me and gave me kisses right on the face! (I know that grosses some people out, but I'll take all the love I can get!) That was pretty special to me.

[Wifflesnook]

Oh yes. It's hard. I would at one time have thought it was too hard to bear, and yet we have all borne it somehow. We were all so lucky to come first in our beloved one's lives (and not just first but way, way, way above anyone else). I suppose we have to settle for that now, and its something not everyone gets to have.

[HAP]

Dear friends,

Now you've all gone and made me cry again. And Kay, those of you with an Arlie are still first with them.

Peace,

Harry

[mfh]

I am with you Kay...it will be quite crowded on that podium.

[MartyT]

Dear Ones, make sure to read the lovely story that was posted today in the Comment section at the foot of Harry's beautiful piece, Soul Hunger in Love and Loss. ♥

[mfh]

I saw this on Facebook and read the comment on your site, Marty. I KNOW everyone here, including myself, understand this story too well. If someone held me for 20 minutes I would sob my heart out and breathe. I am pretty sure that everyone here would do the same. It just does not happen. When Bill died, I held him for a couple of hours in the hospital bed in his office before he died (and often before that, of course) and a couple of hours after he died. I can ask someone to hug me but that is short lived...2 minutes max. I am so grateful that every evening at about the same time Bentley leaps up on my lap (back feet on the floor) and just lays his head on my heart for an easy 20 minutes or more. That is as close as I have come to this kind of touch. This man died in peace because of someone who was not afraid of touching another soul.

I weep just reading the story.

Harry, you are the one who started this conversation with your own vulnerability. Marty, you got it out there. I hope it goes viral.

Peace, Mary

[enna]

I am happy that we do not hold back when we are expressing ourselves on this forum. It makes it authentic. I was touched when I read the response by a reader commenting on Harry's piece. It is a beautiful one and one that can be read over and over again.

I am not afraid to say that touch is indeed the one thing that I miss and I'm only eight short months away from that gift I enjoyed for forty years. The attachment is for all of you. Sometimes our imaginations can be used for healing. Enjoy

[HAP]

Thank you Marty. It is a beautiful story.

And thank you Anne. Jane and I loved Tweety.

Peace,

Harry

[Wifflesnook]

That story of the hug is wonderful. I'm thinking I should initiate hugs instead of waiting for them maybe? My counsellor comes today and he is a man. I get the feeling he is ready to hug me but I have always held back from a hug, and maybe with him being a man? I don't know. But if I am honest I don't want hugs from anyone else but Pete. I have had just one or two experiences if that is the right word. Once whilst walking with my little grand daughter on the banks of the river Humber I thought I felt Pete's arm about my shoulder. I thought it my imagination but since then I've longed for it and not felt it which paradoxically makes me think it happened if that makes sense. Pete used to give such hard hugs I had to tell him to stop as he would crack my ribs! He was six foot and I am only just over five. I can still feel the hug.

[kayc]

I am so glad she was in tune enough to give him a most precious gift.

I would not be comfortable hugging just anyone. If someone is a professional acquaintance, I certainly wouldn't be comfortable. People at our church hug, but some of them I'd be more comfortable with than others. I consider a brief one to be a hug, a longer duration one would be more "cuddling". It's hard to believe someone can go 30 years without a hug! You can tell he hasn't been to my church! I guess that's one thing I like about having pets, at least we get touch.

[mfh]

Kay, I grew up in a home where we did not really hug or even touch. I spent 8 years in a religious community where touching was clearly forbidden. I have a deep appreciation for my comfort with hugging after those experiences. As a therapist (and before that an elementary school teacher) I have a lot of hugs behind me. There is no way I can sit across from a sobbing client who I KNOW wants/needs to be held (and I know it would be appropriate to do so) and not hold that person. I have spent time sitting on the floor with clients (kids to adults) often just holding them as they sobbed and sobbed. One of my best friends was a well loved 1st grade teacher for 25 years and when the school board told the teachers they could no longer touch the kids (in the early 90s) she handed in her resignation knowing she could not stand like a board when a 6 year old climbed on her lap or hugged her. We live in a no touch culture that is, thankfully, changing. Those of us who have lost the person who hugged us every single day do struggle with Harry's skin hunger. It is difficult for me to ask someone not to hug me (I can do that-not easily but I do depending on who it is) but to hold me...that is a different ball game. I do not get held now and most of us don't...and after years of a lot of holding, hugging and cuddling and love making. I miss it all.

And now I am rambling on and on with no point to all this except to say...I miss being held....so much.

[Wifflesnook]

The reprint of my book arrived today. I have been pestering the publishers since before Pete had the stroke to reprint my book. When it arrived (I wasn't expecting it) at first I was pleased and had a happy chat with the person who delivered it. Then I realised I had to open a box to check it was right and I collapsed in tears. Pete isn't the author but without him this book would never have been written. He was with me all the way. In 2007 we had a wonderful book launch. It sold out (2,000 copies) and had a short reprint and he was delighted but then they ran out and for the last two years I have tried to get it reprinted. Even after the stroke and after his death I have still written emails. And now here t is, and he isn't here to share the joy with me. My dear friend sandra came over and we opened the box together. And that was better than doing it alone. It's just one more thing to be coped with without my beloved Pete. I know you all understand. Jan

[mfh]

So glad you got that book. I also know that it is a bittersweet event. I have experienced that so many times with different things. I personally think he knows and is right there with you. I know it is not the same, believe me, I KNOW. Congratulations on the sale of the book, and on getting the next run. Good for you, Mary

[Dwaynecg]

Hi to All,

I to laid and held Pauline after she passed, until the phone rang. I was holding her and talking to her before her passing. I staid with her until the hospice nurse came. I help her with Pauline, and she saw so much love, that she went into the kitchen and was crying. My sister-in law ask what was wrong, she said nothing, she had never been to a home where a man loved his wife so much it showed in the care I was giving and always talking to her, as we took care of her.

It is the same at my job in the hospital. I hold people's hand and calm them down so I can do my work. I got called for stat labs on a young man in his twenty's. As I went into his room he was crying and shaking in pain. I had to do cultures times 2 and 7 tubes to draw. No way was it going to happen the way he was. I got everything ready, talking to him all the time. The I just took his hand and it was like the Holy Spirit use me to calm him down. In just a couple minutes the shaking stopped and the tears dried. I did the draws, and after he, thank me for easing his pain, and making him more comfortable. The human touch, compassion, and listening is something we all need.

God Bless, to All

Dwayne

" I believe sometimes the hardest part isn't letting go, but it is learning to start over "

[enna]

Thank you for your post, Dwayne. I think this post on 'Hunger' has got many of us a little emotional. I so remember the last hours of my Jim's time on this earth. I knew he was not going to be here much longer the early morning he passed. I held him that night pretending that he was also holding me for several hours before I called our HOV nurse to come. I waited for two hours before I called his daughter who lives only a few blocks from us because I wanted that time with him all to myself. I did not want to let him go. I did not want to share him with anyone. I took the time to wash his face and just talk to him like he was listening but I knew he was gone. As I listened to any sign of breath I knew there were not going to by anymore. It was so painful for me to admit it. Touch is such a personal thing. I knew my Jim could tell that I was right there with him. Just as you helped your hospice nurse with Pauline I too prepared Jim for the journey away from me. He had decided that he was going to will his body for tissue research so we prepared for ScienceCare to come. They were very kind and gentle with him. I did not want him to be taken. From that awful day in May 2012, I have had a broken heart. I pretend to be 'brave' but those who know me know I am aching just as they are who have lost the loves of their lives.

I do understand what you mean when you talk about your job in the hospital. As a nurse many moons ago (the 60s) I also remember how important it was to be kind to those in hospital. Today it is quite different but I still hug and have compassion for those who are in pain. Even when I started my teaching career I'm sure I broke all rules about 'touch' when students were hurting or adults needed that arm around them. I am not ashamed to admit that I still empathize with anyone who is hurting and I do use the human touch. I am happy that there are still people out there who can say 'to hell with the rules' someone needs a hug. Anne

[mfh]

Oh, Anne,

I so understand all of what you said. Our good-byes to our soul mates are so similar and those final hours such treasured yet painful memories. Thank you so much for sharing. BIll's daughter was here the day before Bill died and I was so blessed to be able to be alone with him for as long as I could. My brother and a good friend were here when he died but I had them leave the room, close the door so Bill and Bentley and I could just be together for 2 or 3 hours before hospice was called and came. Bentley and I were on the bed and like you I wrapped myself around Bill and Bentley laid on his legs. How similar our stories are. I can not think of that day with out many tears and I am sure thinking about your Jim and his death is also similar for you. I shall never forget the feel of my hand on his heart when it stopped or the sound of his final breath near my ear. His heart beat was always so strong before. I am not brave about this. I am in an ocean of tears when I relive it and I know those feelings are true for you. Thank you again for sharing those final times....may peace fill you as you walk this path...even if it starts with a tiny glimmer of peace.

With my love,

Mary

[enna]

Why did I know that YOU would understand, Mary. Thank you for your kind response. As you know I did bring another life into my life right now and I so love Benji, but it is bringing up quite abit of emotion for me. I love Benji and I am in pain to think that Jim is not with me to enjoy the fun I'm having with him. Who would think a loving animal could bring us so much joy. It's not that I feel guilty that I am again laughing it is just that Jim is not here to see what comfort I'm having with this furry ball of delight. I'm sure that all who love animals as I do understand what I'm trying to say. I'm crying again. Jan, my walks have turned into such joy. I'm thinking of you as I walk Benji. Anne

[mfh]

Oh, Anne, after I wrote that I sat here and just sobbed. Bentley came over, as he does when I sob, and I held him and sobbed right into his fur. I do not know why that all hit me tonight as hard as it is...but the tears are flowing so you are not crying alone. Maybe it was knowing someone else really knew what that was like. We both know what those last hours with our beloveds were like...and the memory is all encompassing...i.e. it is every sense (touch, sounds, sight, even the smell lingers in my nostrils) and all my feelings raw and it is all there forever a part of me as were so many good times and sacred moments. I do know and have come through the chapter where I feel guilty if I enjoy myself. Jim wants you to be happy. I have graduated to "it feels strange". After sitting here sobbing with Bentley on my lap, I went in to put on my pjs and he followed me...his face betrayed his concern and his clinging spoke to me.

I am so very glad that you have Benji. What a healing gift he is and will be. You can laugh with him and yes, sob with him and he will accept you and love you no matter. I strangely want to thank you for sending me reeling into that last 24 hours with Bill. I do not know why I am thanking you but it feels right. I have not cried like this for a long time (about that day...well I take that back...just last week when I awoke to Psalm 23 it happened) and I know tomorrow is a new day but tonight I am back on Saturday, March 27, 2010 at 10:45am and it so real. Maybe it is his birthday next Wednesday...he is on my mind a lot. As you cry and as I cry, I will tell you that Bill used to tell me that my tears were holy water....so I am telling you that your tears are holy water.

I hope you sleep. Tomorrow the sun will rise and Benji will be crawling from the foot of your bed, all sparkly clean and groomed, to give you kisses and welcome you to Friday...and yes, I know...Friday will be bitter and sweet. they all are.

Sleep well,

Mary

[Wifflesnook]

Pete died on a Friday too, but sadly not with me by his side. I envy you both that you had those experiences so I haven't read your lovely descriptions of your last hours with them very closely as it hurts me too much. But I spent every moment I could with him and it doesn't come to everyone to be able to be there like you were. I can so imagine the pain combined with love though.

I dreamed about books last night. Someone came to verify my Ph.D. (Odd) and wanted to see what books I had written as a direct result. I had to confess I hadn't written more than one booklet related to the topic and had moved on to other subjects. We spent ages looking for this booklet and whilst looking (in a huge sort of laboratory cum library filled with Pete's books and microscopes) we came across a white feather resting on a book! I explained to this chap that Pete had died in May and I think I said this was a message from him. I'm still looking for the white feather!

[mfh]

Dear Jan, I totally understand the pain you must feel as you know that some of us were able to be present as our loved one's died. I also feel we were where we were supposed to be. The morning my mom died, I had just left the hospital after sitting up with her all night. My sister spelled me off. I had the only and last conversation with her and I left thinking I would see her again. She died about an hour or so after I left (my having told her it was ok to die and her having thanked me 3 times). I think I was not supposed to be there. When Barbara, a very very close friend, died I had just seen her. No one was in the room in spite of having 24/7 presence from someone close for 2 weeks. I sometimes think people choose their time to die and that sometimes they find it hard to leave if people are there. In any case, I do know the pain you feel as much as another can know. And I am sorry.

Your dream about someone verifying your Ph.D. included a white feather...perhaps that one, in the dream...ON A BOOK mind you...was the white feather..i.e. Pete telling you he sees the book. Just a thought. I do not mean to intrude on your interpretation of your dream but the thought crossed my mind and knowing you as I do, I know you would want to hear it. I think my Bill comes to me in dreams...what easier access is there for them.

I hope today (1:30pm there) is reminding you of his love and his presence,

Mary

[enna]

Today I woke up with this thought in my head:

The beauty of the soul shines out when a man bears with composure one heavy mischance after another, not because he does not feel them, but because he is a man of high and heroic temper.

-- Aristotle

It seems to me that each one of us are ‘bearing with composure’ while we are on our individual journeys. It matters not what we are grieving. I am finding this out as I read many of the posts on this forum. Jan you are such a kind, loving person. I witness this as we go back and forth in our responses to one another’s posts or e-mails. Just as we have gained strength from so many others who are on this forum so shall we reach out to others in the kindnesses that we all take part in. (I know I shouldn’t end a sentence with a preposition!)

You and I are being blessed with hearing about the journeys of some who have been traveling for a while. I too find myself feeling that I am not as caring as I could be when I find myself thinking of the happiness of others.

Marty keeps us grounded as does Mary and Kay. And there are so many others who step in to remind us that we are indeed human and are all struggling to be just a little kinder, empathic, and brave. Anne