Difficult... Complex Grief.

[ShanN]

My grief is very complicated. I was abused/raped from age 5-15 by my stepfather. And he threatened to kill my Mom if I was not silent about it. I was 14 and I got pregnant by him. And he forced an abortion of that life. It sickened me. He sickened me. Even though that life came from his evil, it was still a life. I am 39 now and all these yrs later, I am deeply affected and deeply saddened by the taking of that life in me. Does that make me crazy? I feel such shame and guilt. And then my Mom found out and he shot and killed her in front of me when I was 15. So my grief is very complex with everything involved. My husband and I cannot conceive children. But there is a place deep in my soul so saddened at the loss of that child even though I was a child. Back then, I didn't much feel anything. But as an adult now it's really hurting. I guess I'm not making much sense. When I try to articulate things it's hard... Because its all so complex and I'm slowly trudging through it all with my wonderful therapist.

Thanks for listening if you read this far.

God bless,

[mfh]

Dear Shannon,

You did it...shared some of what is going on and your pain. Try not to worry about doing it right or wrong..just speak from your heart and people will reach out to you. We all know pain and loss very well. Your life has been full of challenges, pain, loss, abuse and so much more but yet here you are working through it all in therapy and now here. We will all support you and embrace you in your pain. That is what we do here. No judgments. Just love. Get well now and keep on posting. Peace to your heart, Mary

[ShanN]

Thank you Mary. Going to take care of this heart, fever and back pain.

God bless.

[mfh]

Yes, getting your strength back and your health is primary. Sleep peacefully, Mary

[MartyT]

Yes, ShanN, your grief is indeed complex, complicated by the horrific experiences you've had in your life, and I am grateful to know that you are seeing a therapist to help you sort through your painful history of loss, trauma, and abuse.

The fact that you're now allowing yourself to mourn the death of your unborn child makes perfect sense, especially in light of the fact that you're now unable to conceive. You are mourning not only the death of your child, but the loss of any future children as well.

The only way you can deal with all of this is precisely the way you are doing it: one loss at a time, with the compassion, understanding and support of a skilled therapist to guide you. My prayer for you is that you will stick with it, and give it all the time and effort necessary.

It's taken a lifetime to get where you are, and all of this cannot be sorted through in a matter of days or weeks or months.

While you're most welcome to stay here with us, I'm sure you already know that whatever we have to offer you must serve as a supplement to ~ and not as a substitute for ~ the therapy you're already receiving. We can offer information, comfort and support, but it is essential that you continue working individually with your therapist to obtain the help you need and deserve.

From what you've shared with us already, it sounds as if you're fully prepared to do just that, and for that you have my deepest admiration and respect. ♥

[ShanN]

Thank you Marty,

Yes, I am deeply committed to my work with my therapist as well as the trauma group she runs.

It's so wonderful to have found a place like this with others who understand.

God bless. Gnight.

[kayc]

ShanN,

One of the important things about voicing ourselves is it lends validity to our feelings and experiences and restores some of the power taken from us when we suffered loss/trauma. You are articulating yourself very well, and it can only be therapeutic. BTW, your mom is very beautiful!

[mfh]

Well stated, Kay. Well stated.

Mary

[ShanN]

KayC,

Thank you. I read your reply to my other thread. I'm very sorry you never had an available Mom. And I'm very sorry you lost your husband and love of your life.

You are so positive. Thank you for reminding that I need to just focus on today and the little things.

God bless.

[ShanN]

It's been so many years. Yet it all feels so raw. My therapist called tonight, returning my call... And she said its going to feel raw the more I am dealing with it, and it's not bad, she said I'm doing good. She is so positive and reminds me how hard I'm working through so much, and feeling fragile is ok and "normal".

[kayc]

My dear ShanN, all of these grief feelings are "normal", it is those who have not grieved that often try to tell us they are not! We've learned to pay attention to what we know within and our fellow grievers and what they tell us...not that the rest of the world's thinking isn't important, but if they haven't been there, they don't know...yet.

[mfh]

Shannon, I think when we open up the pain and really walk into it, we do feel raw. You are working hard, have a good therapist and are committed to your path. I honor that.

Mary

[enna]

Shannon,

Your life situation touched my heart. I think you are so brave to be moving forward in your painful loses. My belief has always been that we may have come from BAD situations but it is what we do with those situations that define us as humans. You are so young and all of your feelings are just that – they are your feelings. You have a right to feel anyway you feel. Please do not push them away or feel anyway but how you feel. It is never too late to face our demons. It is important for you to believe that none of what happened during your early life had anything to do with you. My first reaction to your story was to wish I could rap you around in my arms and just hold you. Please keep going to your therapist. Visit here and share your journey. We listen. Your layers of grief are what make you experience the raw, painful, hurt feelings, so go with them and always remember – you are innocent. Take care of your health. Bless you. Anne

[ShanN]

Thank you all for your kind words.

I am alone tonight. My husband is getting admitted to the hospital with flu complications and his COPD and congestive heart failure and fluids on the lungs. I however cannot be there because I myself have the flu. The hospital is on visitation lockdown for anyone with any flu symptom. They are even turning away people walking into the ER to be seen if you have the flu... They are only taking people with serious issues... Like my husband.

He is where he needs to be. And I need to take care of me.

Gnight.

Thank you for your replies.

God bless.

[Guest babylady]

sending you a big hug.

[MartyT]

We are holding your husband in gentle thought and prayer, Shannon . . .

[mfh]

Shannon, I am sure it is difficult not to be with your husband in the hospital. You and he are in my prayers. I know Boston was under lockdown last week also.

Mary

[enna]

Shannon,

This flu season has been so hard on people. I am so sorry that your husband is in the hospital yet very glad that he is where he needs to be. We have heard that most hospitals are restricting most visitors from their doors.

Please rest and then rest some more. Be strong and know that we are here for you. Anne

[kayc]

Shannon, you and your husband are in my prayers. Try to get some sleep and know he is where he needs to be and being taken care of. (((hugs)))

[ShanN]

Thank you ALL for caring and the thoughts and prayers. I just spoke to my SIL who has been with Leo all morning. They have him on good oxygen, IV lasix to get rid of the fluid in his lungs and around heart, and on antibiotics. Plus breathing treatments 4 times a day. He's been sleeping most of the time... Which is normal for him when ill. And his blood sugars have been going up into the 300's which is also normal when he s ill. They are monitoring that closely. My SIL is coming to see me and bring me a few things for this rotten flu. She really doesn't need to be at the hospital because Leo is just sleeping.

I got some good sleep... Waking every couple hours, but the fever is down.

Thank you all again.

[kayc]

What a hard time you're having, Shannon, but I'm sure glad your husband is in the hospital where they're taking good care of him so you can just sleep and get well! Bless your SIL!

[ShanN]

Yes, thank you KayC, my SIL is the greatest. Got some chicken rice soup, ginger ale, citrus tea bags (I love tea), jello, and Popsicles... My throat is so sore. She babied me. Leo is 52 and she is 49, his baby sister... And my big Sis. She loves taking care of people. I'm lucky to have her. I'm so scared because of Leo's constant health issues. But I take every day with him as a gift I didn't have yesterday. Anyway, I just talked to him, he sounds horrible, but says he feels ok. But he always says that. I did speak with his nurse. He's about the same. I miss him, but I honestly needed a break from totally tending to his health over anything else 24/7. I need rest and though feeling guilty, I am getting rest. I have no choice... This flu has gt me knocked down. I really am trying to push away the grief and pain... And just rest my body, mind, and heart.

God bless you and everyone here. I send much care and ((((gentle hugs)))) to you ALL.

Night. XO

[kayc]

Try not to feel guilty if you can, you can't help that you got sick and you need to get well or you can't be there for him. I hope you sleep well tonight. Your attitude is very good, keep looking at each day as a gift. None of us ever know how long we have together, the best we can do is enjoy each moment we get and for those of us that the time has come, know they are still with us in our hearts.