My Girlfriend's Dad Died Two Weeks Ago, How Do I Support Her, Give

[pmack]

thanks, and i'm really sorry for your losses, seems like you've been through alot. i'm sorry for that.

, it's really hard, excrutiating at times. i keep telling myself not to conctact her for two weeks unless she gets in touch first. but i always break that rule. @ work is the worst b/c i have a lot of downtime in the afternoon which is usually filled w/ stupid email chatting w/ her. those type of things that i took for granted when we were dating and now miss terribly. i'd come accross a concert or comedy show that i know she would normally love to go to, email her the details and then not get a response, and my heart breaks a little...

 

a little background on her, a month or so before we met her cousin had an "accidental overdose" he was in collge and took too many of his meds, his Mom (her aunt) had died from cancer a year earlier and he wasn't coping welll. so w/ those two recent losses my g/f is no stranger to grief. she is very open w/ her feelings and would talk and cry about it all the time (usually after a couple drinks). i know her dad dying suddenly is a whole different story and her grief is magnigied but it just hurts that she doesn't want me to help her through it. but that's her deciscion and i have to respect it.

it makes me think that there were hidden problems in our relationship that she didn't tell me about, little things keep popping up in my mind that maybe if i handled this seemingly insignificant detail a little differently than she wouldn't have pushed me away when things got hard. but i guess that is only natural. Her love seemed so unconditional just a month ago! how can someone pull a 180 so quickly?? but i suppose an event as catostrophic as a loss of a parent can make people do crazy things. i just don't get why she chose to add the loss of a boyfriend to the loss of her father and compound her grief.

we are still "in a relationship" on facebook (pathetic that i find comfort in this) and we haven't had The Talk about completely breaking up. i'm just trying really hard not to give her any additional reasons to officially break it off, like acting needy / desperate. i'm trying to come accross as aloof and like i'm just going about life, but i feel guilty doing so. little does she know that i spend every waking moment thinking of her, researching grief, and seeking out advice / outlets to vent my frustrations. And just to be clear i'm not frustrated w/ her, i'm frustrated that this happened! i'm not a religious man but it really feels like a higher power came down and ripped us apart just when we were planning on starting a life together! it's just not fair!

when we were together i never had a dream about her, but now she is all i dream about! sometimes wer are back together, sometimes not, but ever since "the break" i've dreamt about her everynight and wake up @ 4am depressed and lonely. she probably has similar dreams about her father, is it awful that i am jelouse of him?? of her missing him and not me?? there has to come a time when she remembers what we had together, at least i hope...

i'm also worried that she is going to go out and meet someone new, somone who can relate to her issues more than i can (i've never lost a close family memeber.) or maybe she'll just go out and hook up w/ someone random just to blow off steam and make her feel better for just a little bit. i'm pretty confident she isn't looking to do this but some creep could try and take advantage of her while she is vulnerable, it kills me i can't protect her and that she doesn't want me to!

she's leaving for FLA for a week on 2-6 returning 2-13. i'm going to try to not contact her until the day before she leaves, i'll wish her a safe trip and that'll be it. for valentines day i've arranged for a dozen rosses to be delivered to her house along w/ a box of candy for her mother. (good idea?) i've also made reservations for dinner at a few different places, maybe the two of us will go, maybe her and her mom, maybe the three of us? i'm leaving the options open. i'm really hoping things will be better by then .

thanks so much for you prospective and input, if not for this site and it's contributors i would be sharing all my crazy thoughts w/ her and that would not be good.

[kayc]

When we don't know the answer to something important, it's normal to analyze it to death in an effort to make sense of it. I did that. It didn't do me a lot of good, I still don't really know the answers. Like you, I wondered...were there things he wasn't telling me? Was he just pretending to love me and want to spend his life with me until he couldn't take it any more and then broke up with me during the added stress of grief? He says not. I want so desperately to make sense of it, but without more information, I can't. I have to just accept what is and his decisions, even without being able to neatly tie the closure into a package I can understand.

Regarding your feeling jealous of her dad...really, it's jealousy of her love/attention to her dad since you're not getting that same love/attention right now...your feelings are normal and understandable. Whenever we have loss we have feelings to contend with...and you are experiencing loss too right now...loss of things the way they were.

With time you develop a "new normal"...that is, you get used to the way things become, vs. the way they were. When Jim and I were together, we had a routine, we'd spend weekends together, going to church, taking the dogs to the park, stopping by favorite restaurants, watching movies together, etc. We enjoyed our special coffee together, cuddling up together, etc. When he broke up with me, it was almost unbearable for me to see those restaurants, the park, etc. I greatly felt his absence. Now, although 2 1/2 years later, I still miss him, he's no longer part of my usual routine and I can handle it better. If you are forced to go on without her, it will get better for you eventually, but I truly hope for your sake that your ending is different than mine. I truly hope the best for you.

Re: Valentine's day...the flowers is nice, it lets her know she's special to you and you're thinking of her. She's getting back the day before, may be tired, the dinner may be too soon or too much for her, I don't know. Try to not let your hopes get up, play it by ear. Remember, no pressure!

[Elicamacho]

I'm going thought the exact same thing, I don't know why it is happening. And it hurts so much. It's a different kind of grieving and especially worse to us. And I just really really want to know, how is the relationship now between you both?

[kayc]

It's been over four years since the break up. We are just friends now and talk on the phone about every other day, see each other maybe twice a year. Platonic, no relationship talk. He's never tried to get me back, although he's given me mixed messages, which is common. I've learned not to put stock by it, I would require action, not just words, and consistency, stability, dealing with what's happened with a professional, and none of that is likely to happen.

I'm sorry to hear you're going through it too.

[Dan30]

Iv read all of this and I feel it hits home for me . I’m 30 and going through this right now . Anyway I can talk to pmack? This is an old post . 

[kayc]

Click on their name to get to their profile/homepage and then send them a message.  Some get email notifications when they get a message.

[Jaiden]

Pmack...I'm going through something similar with my girl and it's ripping me apart.what was the outcome? Did you guys end up together? 

[kayc]

Since they haven't checked here for six years, they're not likely to.

Of the hundreds of threads in this section I only recall one that "made it."  There seems to be a pattern.  I encourage you to post your story in a thread of your own so we can respond accordingly and maybe do some reading in the other threads, it helps to see what is going on in the big picture.

I'm sorry you're going through something similar!