I Feel Lost, So Here I Am... Again

[Novi]

I thought I was doing okay, but I'm not.

I think I've been in denial. I get it, people tell me all the time... It's natural to lose your parents. But is it natural to be orphaned at 31 years old?

My dad died by suicide when I was 17. My sister and I found him. I was never referred to any form of grief counseling. Kids at school didn't think I cared, since he chose his fate. How could they think that?? I was destroyed by it. I was angry for so long!! I remember being in my late twenties when I finally faced the reality of it. My anger was gone and all that was left was sadness. I miss my dad so much. Then a couple of years later, my mom was diagnosed with renal cell cancer, stage four. She was told she had about a year to live, she only lived another 3 months. I'm thankful that she died that fast, it was a blessing. I've never seen someone suffer so much. This is where I struggle. Yes, everyone, parents are supposed to die before their kids. It's not her death that haunts me, it's the suffering she endured. I saw it all, and I can't get the memories to go away. Is it normal to be driving your mom to the cancer hospital to get another round of radiation, while she coughs blood? Is it natural for your mom's eyes to turn blue because the cancer has moved to her brain?? No, I don't think so. She's been gone a year and a month now. I'm so lost... I'm the second born of three children. The black sheep of the family. I was the only one of three that got the luxury to see both parents dead. It's not fair and I'm starting to fall apart. I work, I function in society. I've recently moved cities to try and get away from my pain, but after 3 months of living this new life, I realize that I can't run away from myself. I'm feeling really suicidal lately and I'm scared. My father took his life January 24th in 1998.. and this year I'm not ready to face January 24th. I don't want to do anything stupid, but I'm lost and lonely in a new giant city. I guess I just need someone to hear me and tell me things will be alright. They usually turn out ok, I made it this far in life....

[enna]

Dear Novi,

What pain and heartache you have had to endure in your young life. I am so sorry for all you have suffered. I so hope that you seek out grief counseling. It will help to sort out all of your feelings with a caring and knowledgable person. It is good that you found your way here. This forum will always be here to support you in your journey. Grief makes us think of all sorts of emotions but if you think that your thoughts of suicide are more than just thoughts please seek counseling to help you through this difficult time in your life.

Peace, Anne

[ShanN]

Novi,

I'm so very sorry for the heartache you've had to endure. I lost my Mom to murder by my stepdad, in front of me shot, and held her in my lap. That pain is indescribable... Violent sudden death such as that and your Dads suicide and you finding him, is so excruciating. I cared or my Nana who suffered more than I could ever imagine from lung cancer that spread to her brain and bone. Watching someone so close suffer death is unthinkable.

I wish I could wrap my arms around you... To bring you comfort. I worry you have suicidal thoughts and that it is common to repeat that following a loved ones suicide. Please PLEASE, go to your dr and ask to be referred to a therapist and be evaluated for depression... There are meds you can be put on to help depression, anxiety, flashbacks, etc...

And please seek emergency care should your feelings get too overwhelming. Your Dad or your Mom would not want you to follow in his actions. I wish I could give you answers as to why your Dad did what he did. And why you had to watch your Mom suffer. I ask that about my Mom daily... Why did he take her life when I was a child. It wasn't her fault. It was mine.

God bless your heart.

[MartyT]

Novi, my dear, your story pulls at my heartstrings, and I am so sorry . . .

I agree completely with what Shannon and Anne have said to you. The feelings you describe are serious, and you must take them seriously. We urge you, in the strongest possible way, to seek professional help at once. This is way, way too much for you to be handling all by yourself. There is help available, and there is no reason for you to be alone in your suffering.

I understand that you are in a new city, so you may not know where to begin to find the support you need. Please read this, and follow the instructions you will find here: Finding Grief Support That Is Right For You

If you're thinking of suicide, read this first.

If you are experiencing serious suicidal thoughts that you cannot control, please stop now and telephone 911 or call 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

We are concerned for your safety, we care about you, and we are worried for you. We need to know that you will follow through with these suggestions, Novi. Please let us hear from you again, soon!

[mfh]

Dear Novi,

You have been through so much at such a young age and now find yourself alone in a large city. I am also most concerned that you get involved with a therapist/counselor or a group. It is most important that you have support (face to face) as you deal with all this. We welcome you here and will support you but I feel it is critical that you have more than this group. Please do that for yourself. This is too much for you to attempt to deal with alone. When my husband died, I got into a grief support group as well as individual grief counseling and it helped so much as I also participated in this on line support group. I will look for your post telling us that you sought out face to face help. Please. Peace, Mary

[ShanN]

Hi Novi dear,

You have been in my thoughts since reading and replying to your post. I pray to hear from you soon here and that you are managing and hopefully have reached out to get connected to a therapist or a grief support group. I have both. It really is an invaluable tool in healing.

Peace and prayers...

[Novi]

Thanks everyone for your replies. I didn't mean to make any of you worry, but re-reading my post from last night I guess it goes without saying that there is cause for concern. I'm at work today, it took a lot out of me just to get out of bed, and I got here 20 minutes late... I'm finding that this is becoming habit. I think part of my problem is that I need some real rest - I only took a week off after my mom died, and that was over a year ago now. I spent over 3 months caring for her, averaging an hour of sleep and still making it to work every day. I have no idea how I did it, and if I had to do it again... well, I don't even want to think about that. I would sometimes doze off at red lights during my commute to work. Needless to say, I'm still very exhausted, and a good night's sleep isn't gonna fix this.

I do already take anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication. I've been on Prozac since I was eight and was prescribed Ativan shortly before mom died. I tried therapy last summer but I didn't like the counselor. She said things I didn't agree with, an example of this - She insisted I was angry with my mom for dying. I was never and will never be angry at my mom. I told her this and she argued! I told her I used to be angry with my dad for taking his life and that this is where I wanted to start with the therapy, but she wouldn't discuss that. She was working backwards in my opinion. I quit therapy after only a month. As much as I don't like the idea of trying it again, I agree with you all that it might be in my best interest. I took the 4 minute depression test, and I scored 65. Anyting over 54 is considered severe depression.

Thanks Marty for all the links for resources, I will definately be taking advantage of them. I also wanted to let all of you know that my work offers an assistance program called LifeWorks, they're the same group that I called last summer who eventually assigned me that counselor I didn't like. I think I will call them again, and since I'm in a new city I know I won't be assigned to the same counselor again. It's a starting point at least, because I don't even have a doctor in this city yet. I'll have to find one soon, before I run out of anti-depressants (but I made sure to get a large prescription from my old doctor before I moved away).

[ShanN]

Dearest Novi,

I'm glad to hear from you again. I'm so sorry you are so exhausted. Grief will take much out of you, plus depression and anxiety. I'm very sorry the first therapist was so not right for you. It sounds like she wasn't hearing you. My prayer is that in your new city, you will be lucky and find a new person. And I will tell you, it took me 16 yrs before really finding a 100% comfortable one. But that surely is not the norm. I did have other ones before this one... But I think a lot of it was just I MYSELF was not ready to trust.

One day at a time my friend. One day t a time...