Hurting...

[ShanN]

there are no other words to put how i feel except that i hurt. i hurt and i can't fix it. i can't make the hurt go away. i can't stop crying tonight. i feel like i'm trapped, i'm caged in this world. this isn't about the abuse he inflicted on me all those years. though i'm sure it has something to do with it. this isn't about my childhood or lack there of one, but i'm sure that's a major issue. this is about pain. i am in a great deal of pain right now, and the only way out is to sit in pain. or as my therapist would say, sit WITH my pain. all i want to do is run, run far far away. i keep wanting to escape it all. Yet i know escaping isnt an answer. the only way through the grief is just that... THROUGH IT. its so hard to forget... he ran... he ran fast aftr he shot her... leaving me to scream and hold her head in my lap. i want to go back, i want to scream louder, please Mama, dont leave, please wake up. I want to get to feeling better. feeling something anything but this agonizing pain. But tonight i lay in bed and cry with sobs, something I don't often do. alone. i'm alone. i'm alone and i hurt. I just want her back. I want to go back to 15. I want to save her. I want to take that bullet for her. But that's not what he wanted. He wanted ME to live and hurt because I was filth to him. I don't want him to have anymore of that satisfaction. But I cannot deny this hurt...

I know I'm struggling with this flu. I'm alone my husband in the hospital. It's always I'm with him... Taking care of him his health. And now I'm by myself... The hurt is just creeping up further...

I guess it's ok to cry. But this hurt is immense.

I hope to fall asleep soon...

[ShanN]

I'm trying to take care of myself. I'm so sick physically. Emotions get worse when I'm so sick... And it's so profound to me...