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I'm still very sick, but with my husband in the ICU and me alone... My mind won't calm down.

My stepfather shot and killed my Mom when I was 15. She was just 41. There is SO much immense guilt I feel. My therapist doesn't think there is anything I should feel guilty about. But she lets me have my feelings. I was in the room that tragic day. But I froze. He had that gun to her head. And she begged me to leave. Then she begged me to not come near. Everything in me wanted to run and push her away from him. Everything in me wanted to take that bullet for her. After all if it were not for the fact that she found out he was abusing me and raping me all those years... Then he wouldn't have killed her. I froze! I screamed and I just froze there across the room. I watched as he pulled that trigger with his eyes staring at me. ME! I honestly do not remember between the gunshot to how I got across the room on my knees holding her head in my lap screaming and begging her to move and breathe and awaken. I just stayed on the floor holding her... The life litterally seeped from her head. But she was already gone. I didn't even try to save her. I don't think I knew how or was capable of trying. Now, as an adult, I can't forgive myself, for not trying to save her... For not doing anything but hold her shattered head in my lap in my hands. Even though I knew she was gone instantly. There must have something... ANYTHING I should have done. But I just screamed.

Almost 24 years later, I still can't forgive myself for that and for what he did. I realize all the threats he put on me when he abused me, that he would kill her... He put those in my head. He put the fear into me for 10 yrs. And I realize there is immense shame from all of those years. I suppose that's why I feel so responsible and cannot forgive myself... When somewhere in me I DO know it was ALL HIS doing.

Such a huge part of me died when that bullet killed her. I just froze. Until he left. I couldn't move. I couldn't trade places with her. For all those years, I wanted to die. I wished, every time he abused me that I would just crumble or fly away or that God would just take me. But I loved my Mama so much... I couldn't ever leave her.

I'm just having a real tough time today... This evening. I know being so sick... Exhausted, this fever, headache, congestion, stomachache etc... Is really making this heartache and grief much harder to "manage" for lack of a better word. And certainly worrying sick about Leo isn't helping.


Just very sad, and I feel so guilty. And the flashbacks of EVERYTHING are so much more exacerbated right now.

I just had to type. Resting is so difficult right now. Thank you for listening. No need for replies. I honestly just needed to say some things.

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Thank you Marty

It's so difficult to have such inner conflict. Part of me really knows as an adult... That everything that happened back then was indeed HIS fault. And then there is that child who still is in me who is so opposite.

But at least I'm making progress to where part of me DOES know where the blame goes.

Small baby steps...

It's 6:45 here and I am going to have some tea... And really try to rest.

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Shannon, my dear, have you ever considered using guided imagery at times like this, to help you relax and rest? If you're already familiar with all of this, please forgive me for telling you what you already know ~ but using CDs (such as those developed by Beleruth Naparstek at Health Journeys) can be so helpful in situations like yours. Listening to her CDs is simple, safe, relatively inexpensive and can be remarkably effective.

I'm going to point you to some resources that you might wish to explore, when you're feeling up to it:

Grief Due to Complicated Death from GriefWorks

Dealing with Sudden, Accidental or Traumatic Death by Kirsti M. Dyer, MD, MS

What Is Guided Imagery? by Belleruth Naparstek

Belleruth Naparstek's Healing Trauma CD

Belleruth Naparstek's Anger and Forgiveness CD

Belleruth Naparstek's Heartbreak, Abandonment & Betrayal CD

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Thank you Marty for the helpful links! I so appreciate it.

I actually have a CD that my wonderful therapist made that takes me through guided imagery for "my little girl" inner child, when I get so over taken by the trauma of abuse and the trauma of being witness to my Mom's murder. As well as another CD she made just for relaxation. My safety is largely when I am in my therapists office and when I hear her voice. They both are helpful. The relaxation one I use more often. In fact I used it a few hours ago and I was able to take a few hour nap. (The fever woke me).

I will be showing these links to my therapist when I see her, and will surely be trying at least one.

Thank you so much.

I am on my way back to slumberland as I'm so exhausted.

But wanted to answer your reply. :)

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