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Overwhelming Guilt And Grief


Rodney

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Sunday morning my 12 year old Boston Terrier Maggie started having a violent seizure, I was terrified and didn't really know what was happening. Since it was Sunday I knew my vet's office was closed but found an emergency vet's office open and rushed her there, the seizure started around 7:45am, even though I tried to get her help immediately I didn't get her to the emergency vet until about 8:15am. And she was having a seizure the whole time.

After about 15 minutes in the back room the vet came out to talk with me. She told me that Maggie was sedated but because this was her first seizure and she is over 12 years old that her outcome was not going to be good. The vet said that Maggie probably has a tumor that is causing the seizure, and that even if they can get her stable that she will have another seizure whether the next day or maybe even 5 days later, but that she would have another. Once she suggested euthanasia I broke down in tears. Even though she was almost 13 years old, she has never shown any signs of age, she was just like a happy healthy puppy.

Since it was an emergency vet's office they are very expensive, it was going to cost around $1600 to keep her alive for the day. Financially that would have been extremely hard for me but I would have put it on a credit card if necessary, but the vet made it clear that even after that cost Maggie was most likely going to die. I didn't want my little Maggie to suffer. I was allowed to stay with her for a few hours to try to figure out what I should do. The drugs she was given was Valium and Phenobarbital.

This is where I am confused, as the Valium and Phenobarbital would where off she would start to wake up, they said she is starting to seizure again, now I understand that I am not a vet, but even though sometimes it did look like a seizure, sometimes it just looked like she was waking up from a traumatic occurrence. I would never want my baby to suffer any pain so when she started to whimper and tense up again, I told the vet to go ahead and euthanize her.

Maggie and I were extremely close friends, she was my entire life. I did everything for her and she was always there for me. I am completely lost without her, it has now been almost 4 days and I still can't even eat, I have lost interest in everything and crying now hurts so bad that I can hardly breathe.

I can't stop second guessing my decision, did I kill my baby? I have done some research online about tumors in older dogs and she didn't have even one of the symptoms mentioned. I know something caused that terrible seizure but could it maybe have been something less fatal than a tumor? They did do blood work and didn't find anything with that. I can't stop thinking that maybe she could have lived. Losing her has been more unbearable than I could have ever imagined, my guilt is so overwhelming.

Thank you for your time,

Rodney

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Dear Rodney,

I truly understand how you feel. Maggie was your whole life. Reading your ordeal brought tears to my eyes. I know exactly how you feel. Please don't feel guilty. It was 18 years ago when I had to put my precious Dobie to sleep for bone cancer. He was 10 years old. Jan. 28, 1994 at 7 p.m. the vet came to my home and that was the worst day of my life. I couldn't eat or sleep. I went down to 90 lbs. Let your tears out for your beloved Maggie. She will always be with you. I had my Dobie cremated and I have his remains in my living room and also in a little necklace. I had to attend a grief support group that Marty was part of 18 years ago and that helped me so very much. I am so glad you joined this support group. I am now part of this forum since I just lost my significant other of 15 years to a massive heart attack on Aug. 20, 2012.. I just wanted to see if I could be of assistance to someone who lost a beloved pet as I did. As you said losing your precious Maggie is unbearable, but just know you did everything possible for her that you could. Your Maggie looked like a little cuddler. I am truly so very, very sorry for your loss. Talking about how you feel with people here helps a lot. And you know you're not alone. I would write about how I felt each day for a year about my Dobie's loss and every January 28th I re-read that journal. Take care of yourself and know we are here for you.

Pumkin

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Pumkin, thank you so much for the comforting message. And I am so sorry to hear about the loss of Dobie and your significant other. I hope you have many people to help and comfort you. It is extremely comforting and helpful to know that there are people that understand the pain of losing something you love so dearly, whether they are human or animals. Today I received a card from the emergency vet's office and when I opened the card they had made a print of her paws on a beautiful piece of 5x7 paper. As you can imagine I cried for hours looking at it, I was so grateful for such a wonderful gift. And thank you for the great ideas with making a journal and ideas for when I get her ashes.

Rodney

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Dear Rodney, I am so very sorry for your loss. I am a major dog lover and I do know that our pets are family members and losing one is losing a family member. In 2000 Bill and I had a decision like yours to make and it is so tough. We had our Buffy for 14 years and I called our vet (who was also a good friend) and ultimately decided it was time. To this day I miss Buffy but I grieved his death as you are and it is natural and normal to do so. I now have a Golden and I know since he is now 9 that down the road I will go through horrible loss again. My heart reaches out to you. I also lost my husband close to 3 years ago and am now grieving that loss. I think we can second guess our decisions regarding our pets for a long time but at the time you UNselfishly did what you thought was best for your furbaby and what the vet suggested. Try to remember that you made a totally unselfish decision...and the best one you could. Again I am so sorry. Peace to your heart, Mary

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Rodney,

I am so sorry you lost your Maggie, she looks quite adorable, a heart stealer, and I can readily understand the pain you must feel. It is easy for us to second guess ourselves after death...sometimes we beat ourselves up. I lost my husband 7 1/2 years ago to a heart attack, I hadn't known until that weekend he even had a heart condition...it was easy to wonder, what if I had been more insistent about a second opinion when his doctor was dismissive? But the truth is, we do our best with the knowledge we have and we rely on the experts to guide us.

13 is a good age for a dog, and Maggie was fortunate to not have suffered other old age problems before then. I know this is of little consolation because no matter if she was 10 or 20, the loss would be the same for you.

Please know you did the best you could for her, you had a good life together, and she is at peace. You will continue to miss her but with time the daily existence will be more familiar and copeable. Trust me, my world ended June 19, 2005, yet I am still here.

As the others have mentioned, it helps to do something to memorialize the one you've lost, whether you choose to cremate or bury her. When my little sister lost her two year old, they put a fountain in their back yard with cherub angels guarding over, to remember Courtney with. It doesn't even have to be something big like that, but maybe a photo album or her picture on the wall.

It also helps to express your grief through writing. Perhaps you could write her a letter telling her what she means to you and sharing your most fond memories...or perhaps you could write it here, like Mark did his Bicky.

However you choose to cope with this, we are here for you to listen and for you to know, you are not alone, there are many of us here sharing in our grief journeys.

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Thank you, Rodney. I hope Bentley is with me for at least 5 more years, a miracle if more. He was just registered as a therapy dog so in honor of Bill we will visit hospitals and eventually Hospice.

I like Kay's ideas about a memorial. I had a friend do a drawing of our Buffy and I will have her do the same with Bentley's but I do not think about Bentley's death very often. Live in the moment. Right now your moment is one of loss and grief and I am so sorry.

Mary

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I've lost 8 dogs and 10 cats over the years. Some of them I had longer than others and some I was closer to than others. I still mourn many of them that have been gone for years. I realize I will always miss them but I also know that loss and grief is part of the cycle of life and something all of us face sooner or later. I've had more than many, with not only losing my pets, but a niece and a nephew, my dad, grandparents, aunts and uncles, a cousin, and the worst...my husband. I have a whole lot of people and animals waiting for me when at last I get to be reunited with them!

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Here is what is waiting for you at Rainbow Bridge....it came out small so when I get back I will see if I can enlarge it. But it is hundreds of dogs waiting at rainbow bridge....for us. :)

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As we age we will keep losing those we love. I have lost many also but you and I know that the worst was our husbands.... no comparison.

Love

Mary

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Great, Marty. Thank you. It is perfect. I think I see Buffy, our last Golden, sitting there :) and we know Beringer is among the crowd along with all of Kay's dogs and cats.

Mary

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Thank you, Marty, they are so beautiful! Look at all of those happy dogs awaiting their owners...there's sure to be some cats lingering in the distance...they have to make up their own minds about greeting us. LOL!

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Oh, I love that, it even has a horse! I am in withdrawal from "my horse"...there is someone who boards three horses up here and they don't pay any attention to them, so Arlie and I visit them on our walks. They (horse & Arlie) have even kissed each other a couple of times! I fell in love with one horse in particular, the owner hasn't named her so II call her Ashley. Well every winter the owners move them back behind a barn on a property where I can't visit them. I trespassed a couple of times to bring them apples, but now all of the snow slid off the roof, blocking the path to the fence so I can't reach them, and I can see two of the horses in the distance, but not Ashley. I worry about her, she was faring poorly before winter, and now...I don't know. I have to wait for Spring before I can see if she made it through or not. I hope she's still there, hanging on for Spring.

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Wow, Kay, that is so sad. Why would people have horses and ignore them? I hope Ashley is ok. Too bad the passage is blocked. Let us know.

Mary

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I just feel if I could visit her it could make a difference to her because we really connected. I hate winters because I miss her and it's so hard for them. They have food and shelter but no one to comb them and stroke them and talk to them. :(

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Oh, Kay, I wish you could get to her...for her sake and for your sake...I am sorry the snow is now an obstacle to your healing touch.

Mary

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