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mfh

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A while back I wrote a poem about the Labyrinth of Grief. I believe walking the journey through grief is like walking a labyrinth...it is a single path leading to a center where transformation or insight can happen and then walking back out to our new lives. As we walk it it feels often as if we are retracing our steps but we are not. I came across this meditation today that gives you a good feeling of what it is like. I am also re-posting my poem which I think will appear in the Spring issue of Grief Digest. The Labyrinth of Grief revised.pdf

http://www.gratefulness.org/labyrinth/index.htm

Choose whether you want to walk it yourself or be carried and then, follow or lead the star along the path.

Mary

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Oh Mary, what a wonderful post to wake up to. It was nice to have part of my meditation already planned for me. I am a visual person and I loved following the path of this lybrinth. Two quotes following the lybrinth in stuck in my mind: "Absolute unmixed attention is prayer" by Simone Weil and "Patient endurance attains to all things" by Saint Teresa of Avila. Going out of the lybrinth I loved the blue door with the cactus on either side and what I imagined to be roses on one side and the church on the hill was beautiful. Thank you for this 'treasure'.

I love this revised version of your poem 'The Lybrinth of Grief' - I have the first one framed and near the place where I have my memory area. One of my mantras has been and allow me to quote your verse is: "What am I to learn from this teacher (grief) that invaded my life?"

Since we are all on this journey I think it is a question most of us will ask for the rest of our lives. Thank you Anne

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You are welcome. I think the labyrinth quotes and pictures change each time...not sure. Glad you can use it. Next year I will be installing a labyrinth in my yard to walk 3 seasons...and if I have energy shovel for winter.

Off to Galena IL to get my fangs cleaned. I bet you have been there. I might get brave and drive past our first home together and even get lunch and pray all the way home that the painters came and painted. My honeycombs arrive today for my art room. Of course if the sun never shines again I won't need them :wacko:

I am sure you are a bit tired from your hospital sitting and Otto's news and now you have class today, I think. Breathe your way through it all.

Peace to your heart,

Mary

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Dear Mary,

While you are away to pretty Galena to get your fangs cleaned (I am laughing so!) I, too walked the labyrinth, and it was, as Anne said, a wonderful morning meditation.

Thank you! I see that it does change each time, and while I felt a wistfulness it leaving it, I can now go back and find new, other messages each time. What a lovely visual meditation. My Kiva is not set up as a labyrinth, although one is meant to walk with circle and the cross. I was reminded by an elder that I must break the circle of the iron slate to release Doug's and my energy prior to moving away. And I will.

I wish I could take it with me, but I will build another one.  I have so many plans for future projects that I am going to need to live another 60 years, at least!

I hope the drive is lovely, that you have a perfectly excellent fang cleaning, and a great report from the dentist. I am still laughing, imagining you, of all people, with fangs.

*<twinkles>*

fae

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Mary, I really appreciate your contribution here..I also love Saint Teresa of Avila, it seems we've read a lot of the same literature, although for me it's been a while. I used to read every night, but since George died, I have a really hard time focusing to read more than a newspaper. I have so many books I've started and abandoned, and it's not the books, they're good, I just can't retain interest. :( I hoped to get that back but after this long, not sure it'll ever happen.

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Dear fae and Kay,

I now have clean fangs. Coming home was hard. I knew better than to hang out down there or drive down "our" street as I could feel it was not a good day to do that. Dark, rainy, memories just going crazy. I came home and found the painters just finishing up for the day. He installed a new outside light, fixed my front door, put up my chandelier....painted the ceilings somewhere and things are all taped up in prep for the kitchen. She said they will NOT be done by this Friday as was the plan. Part of that is due to him having to paint the new valances which I requested, louvre doors on pantry and closet which take longer etc. Part of it is they work so inconsistently. They probably will not be here tomorrow as they run the food pantry in their town and that is first over everything....I thought it was Saturday but they must do two days a week. So I am trying to be patient in the midst of the growing chaos. I learned a long time ago not to rattle the cages of contractors or it gets worse...and they are nice folks but I just like to do something and get it done...they drag it all out and i am about to scream. I am keeping the living room/dining roomin fairly good order considering but it is clear to me that I just need to let things go until they are gone. I needed my refuge today after being in Galena (it was difficult ...it always is) but at least they are done and gone for the day. So I can breathe. I have art workshops the next two days which feels overwhelming but may be a good distraction and better than being here. I am just on overwhelm big time but this too shall pass :wacko: ...to be sure. I never dreamed it would take this long. I figured a week but it will be three and then I head to Chicago for an eye deal. Ask me if I am pulling my hair out.

I am glad you like the labyrinth. It came to me today. Can't recall where.

Mary

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Mary,

I can't imagine, I don't live well with chaos OR intrusion so I'd be way outta my comfort zone! Just breathe and keep reminding yourself it'll soon be over and once it is, it won't matter that it was one week or three, it'll just be nice and ready for you to enjoy.

Having beautiful weather here and I want nothing more than to go home and take Arlie for a ride & a walk in the woods but I'm going to see my mom tonight so he'll have a late short walk. :(

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Meditation will save me :) I just have to let go of this and know it will pass and in the big picture it is a grain of sand :)

Thanks so much. I will dive into my art for two days...take Bentley with me and walk him on breaks.

I KNOW it is hard to see your mom. That is far more important than my chaos. I will be thinking of you this evening.

Mary

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Dear Mary and Kay and Anne,

Oh, Mary, I can see your gleaming fangs and your smile!

I hope you and Bentley have wonderful fun at the art workshops, and I know that a time together away from the chaos will be nice for both of you, and probably with lots of people who are also friends is a bonus. You are doing so well to survive. I have one room (guest room) in chaos right now, and I am not doing well with it at all. I open the door, look at the disorder, and close the door, hoping the fellow will be here soon to help me set things aright. You are wonderfully patient. Doug would make contractors sign a contract with a completion date, because he said that otherwise, they would start a project, then schedule in others, and rotate between jobs, when they could just a swell be here, painting another room or something while paint dried. He did a lot of business things, and buildings, so he knew were of he spoke. I have not needed any contractors other than the floor people, and they were lovely and helped, and even contacted the manufacturer for the new flooring (after the flaw was discovered by them) right here, within an hour of finding the flaw. So nice. I still felt totally out of my depth handling them alone. When I was alone before, I lived in a lovely condo, and I could always call someone to come mow, clean, paint, or anything else. This house alone is such a huge undertaking. I am impressed with all you are doing. Your patience is remarkable.

Kay,

Maybe you could stay a shorter time today when you visit your Mom, because I think you and Arlie need some time playing in the park, having some fresh air, and taking care of the two of you with a nice ration of PLAY while you are both feeling well. OUr hearts need to play and be carefree and feel young and innocent, free from worry, and it is very healing for our bodies as well, I think. YMMV, but I doubt by much. Please take an extra time for you and Arlie today, dear heart, and PLAY.

Oh, dear Anne,

I will be thinking of you as I return to explore the labyrinth for new visions and messages. It is such a lovely gift of love from someone who made this and gives it as a gift on the internet for us all to enjoy. How beautiful, I think. I will use it often, and have bookmarked it. :) I am noticing how my bookmarks are shifting these last months, from work things more to self-caring and healing things, such as this labyrinth of beauty and wisdom.

*<twinkles>*

fae

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I am ignoring the mess. In the big picture it is barely a blip on the screen of my life. I am ignoring it best I can. I never thought of a deadline clause...for painting. we always did that with our big construction jobs. ah well. thank you.

Art for two days by the riverside...and the Wisconsin River is very high these days...could flood if we get too much more rain.

Peace

Mary

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Mary, your plan for art and walking Bentley sounds like a good idea AND it takes your mind off the chaos. :)

fae, I don't have time to take Arlie to the park on my workdays, too far away & my long commute takes up too much time. However, things went well with my mom...I'm learning to accept the good and the bad and not expect things to be a certain way, it helps. She thought I was my little sister when I called (we don't sound alike) so was surprised when I showed up. They said she'd been by the door waiting for hours (she has no sense of time anymore)...they'd teased her and asked her if she was putting herself in time out. It was kind of nice to have her ready for a change, normally we have to go through the getting dressed fiasco, which is hard because she does not want help and doesn't understand why she can't put an extra pair of underpants on the OUTSIDE of her clothes, or what's wrong with getting her shoes on the wrong feet. Ahh, dementia!

Arlie and I did get a nice long walk in before dark, however (how I love this time of year when the days are longer!).

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Kay, I can so related to you trying to get your mom dressed. I remember Bill putting a shirt over his pj's. When he got really bad he slept in pajamas and getting them on him and off of him was a huge task since he was not familiar with them but got cold so easily as weight fell off of him. So I got him several pair of flannels and once in them at about 4pm (sundowning time) he loved them. But yes, you can't explain to a dementia patient so that they understand even though I would softly explain anyway. So tiring...for them and for caregivers. I am glad she was ready to go this time. Perhaps the staff could have her ready for you each time.

Marty, that piece on meditation is so good. It reminds me of how I let go of meditation when Bill was up so early and when he would interrupt me many times as I meditated and finally I just let it go. I can't emphasize enough what a mistake that was and that meditation is an essential tool as we grieve even when we can't concentrate or even sit still. Walking meditation, mindfulness practice, just sitting quietly...all essential tools.

Mary

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My dear Kay, I’d like to address the section in your post where you talk about your lunch with your mom. It is very common for someone with Alzheimer’s disease to not know who people are and to not know how to dress themselves in the later stages. I can remember so many times when one of the kids wanted to take Jim out for lunch and he’d be very upset because he would not know why this person was taking him out. He did not know that Pat was his daughter. He did not know who any of the kids were. He recognized faces but he had no idea that they were important to him. He could not understand why I was not going with him. He also did not know how to dress himself and could not understand why I wanted him to remove his boxers that he was wearing over his pants. As I went through the late stages with him I would often sit down when alone and cry wondering what was happening to this gentle man I loved for forty years. Over the five years that we went through this disease I learned to enter his world and tried very hard not to show any emotion as to why I might be frustrated. He did not understand. He thought everything was fine. I know it is different with each person but it is very important to know that even though someone cannot express himself clearly they still read the emotions of someone close to them. They know you are upset but they do not know why.

This journey is such a cruel disease. It breaks my heart looking back at my own journey with Jim and wonder if I did everything I could to make his journey pleasant. We really never know what they understand so it is very important that we show compassion and sensitivity in our dealings with them.

I love your positive attitude you have with your mom. As I have said before you are an example to follow. What a beautiful person you are in how you deal with your mother today as she goes through this disease. Love you, Anne

I just saw Mary's post and those of us who have gone through this know all too well the journey.

Marty, thank you for the link from Mary Pritchard. I am convinced that meditation is what will be key in how we handle the rest of our lives.

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Anne, I so agree with all you said, I am learning bit by bit and developing the needed compassion and patience and forbearance. The staff hasn't seemed much help or to care. I called and talked to them today and had to call the med aids about trimming her nails so they don't break and get infected (she's Diabetic) and letting them know that half of her nails are now broken below the cuticles. I told them she won't ask them for help, she doesn't express herself to authority figures, but she has no problem expressing herself to us. They laughed, I told them I thought part of that was her generation. I also told them I'm concerned she's not getting her evening meds because of what one of the caretakers said to me time before last. They didn't get back to me but I sent a message to my brother, he's her conservator, I just feel we need to take an interest in her care and not just assume they'll do what needs to be done, too easy for them to drop the ball. And although I may feel exasperated at times, I do try not to show it, I have little talks with myself, breathe, etc. I appreciate what you said, that although they may not understand what's going on, they do feel the emotion, that's a good thing to keep in mind. Mostly I try to listen to her (helps her feel validated), show caring towards her, get her out of there for a break (she welcomes that). The part that exasperates me is not her memory or lack of understanding, the part that's hard for me is her fierce determination that she can do everything herself, when she no longer can, but that's a life-long attitude that has always bugged us, well at least for the last 30 years or so...but I also think it's prevalent in the whole family, all of us kids and our kids included. We're a fiercely stubborn independent lot!

Marty, so true about time...it is what we prioritize that we make time for. During my work week I prioritize my job...on the weekend, I get my chores out of the way and then I enjoy my furry kids and spending time with them.

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As each of us attempts to figure out who we are now that we have lost a part of ourselves (our spouses/partners) this piece seems fitting because there is an identity that never changes as other parts of us do change.

http://blog.tarabrach.com/2013/04/the-mystery-of-who-we-are.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+tarabrach%2FHhFL+%28Tara+Brach%29

Tara Brach again...clinical psychologist, educator, meditation teacher, Buddhist leader.

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http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/04/29/meditation-made-simple_n_3165990.html?ir=GPS+for+the+Soul#slide=2385413

This link above is to a piece in the New York Times on meditation. The author uses the word Headspace to describe his method.

Within that piece is a link: 'headspace' This is where it leads: http://www.getsomeheadspace.com/index.aspx

In addition to the brief side show on the original page, once you go to the headspace link, there are many short animations to help you.

This first 10 days is free BUT I noticed after that, in order to continue getting the email reminders and know how material, it is 5 pounds (not dollars) a month. In spite of that, the first ten days may provide some helpful tips for those just starting a practice or we old timers who lost our way and are finding our way back. :unsure:

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Had to share this poem from Facebook but under the Meditation topic....a poen of HOPE! I just know we have, from time to time, all felt some of the feelings identified in the first part of this poem (self-pity, martyrdom, silent anger, narcissism, vanity, etc.) and normal as it is to feel ANY feeling during these times of grief especially, I also know, at least for myself and most likely for you, I do not want those feelings to haunt my spirit on a regular basis...just occasionally for now.

Art of the Feminine shared TheGypsyPriestess's photo.
77175_617083754987052_1822107213_n.jpg

IN THE GARDEN

I labored all night
in the garden,

chopping down
the overgrown evergreen
of self-pity,
uprooting the poisonous vine
of martyrdom.
Then I clipped the weeping-willow
of silent anger.
The narcissus grinning
like a cheshire cat
by the pond,
so I transplanted it
far from the water.

I shook the peach tree
of vanity so hard
that all its blushing glory
vanished in the wind.
Then I climbed up the ladder
to trim the olive-tree,
whose high branches prayed
for constant peace.
The black walnut cast a too big
shadow of fear,
I chopped it down,
sawed its roots to dust.
The night fog fading away,
my head touched the sky.

At golden daybreak, I sowed
new seeds of honesty on the lawn,
planted eager red roses
by the moon-gate.
Confident magic ferns
sprouted by grotesque rocks.
Hopeful irises flew
with green birds of care.

At diamond bright noon,
with veils of sunshine wafting
on my face and shoulders,
the rhythm of my heart made me
dance to its younger beats.
A rainbow adored my festival,
tied itself to my wrist.
My ribbon-dance led
all the trees and flowers
to sway with me.

I exclaimed,
"This garden is mine!"
I, the gardener,
grew spirits
in this garden.

by Pwu Jean Lee.

artwork credit:
Lindy LuMarie Kehoe
Wise Woman Series

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Dear Mary,

What a perfect poem for this day!

Thank you for that. I have been working on releasing anger and victimhood, and this poem resonated perfectly with my heart. Thank you so very much. I find that my intention to release these heavy emotions takes time, and also requires that I be vigilant to "move my energy" whenever I notice myself falling into this shadowed spiral of self-pity and thoughts of revenge. I don't want or need these emotions in my life. I am printing this poem and taping it up to my medicine chest mirror for a while. Thank you.

Two daffodils of almost a neon yellow are defiantly blooming against the falling snow. The promise of Spring will not be broken.

I hope the re-ordering of your home is going well, and that the painters are on schedule.

Much Love,

*<twinkles>*

fae

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Yes, fae, that poem spoke to me today and I thought it might strike a chord with someone here.

My painter gal brought a bouquet of daffodils from her abundant garden. She sells flowers on the side. We were chatting last week and she noticed some daffodils coming up in my front yard and I told her that daffodils were what Bill and I had for our outdoor wedding...so today she comes in with a lovely bouquet.

We are making headway here. Kitchen has two coats but cabinets are not started yet (clean and treat), bath has one coat, small things to be done. Friday is looking hopeful.

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Thank you for sharing this Mary, I went on line to check it out when you first sent it to me and it seems like they wanted $35 or so and not having it, I didn't go any further. But I agree, I like reading Henri Nouwen and have some of his books.

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Too much free stuff out there, Kay, to pay for that. I would not pay for it either. Thanks for following up...Mary

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I LOVE IT!!! :D

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