Not Ready To Move On

[amw]

I haven't been on for awhile, been busy getting ready to return to school. I started back this past week, it is hard getting back in the grove of things, plus I am taking five classes and doing two full days of internship.

Have missed talking with many of you here!

I have recently had three different men show interest in dating me, but I feel like in some way I would be cheating on my husband, and I'm not sure I want to date, ever! I would like a friend to do stuff with, such as going to dinner or a movie, or other events and activites, just not ready for a new relationship. It has only been 8 1/2 months since I lost my soul mate and I just wanted to through myself into school, then come home to my sweet little girl, my dog Chloe.

Any suggestions, have any of you felt this way? How do you move forward when all you want to do is go back?

amw

[mfh]

Good for you , amw. Going to school and taking care of yourself. As for dating...it is a bit out of my realm of interest. I have no desire to date or have a new relationship. But I totally support you and those who do when they are ready. Your post indicates to me that you might not be ready and at 8.5 months I totally understand that. School, Chloe, dealing with your grief sounds like a lot to me I think loading our plates up with too much takes away from properly dealing with our grief in the first couple of years. I certainly know about that.

Peace,

Mary

[kayc]

You sound like you have more than your hands full with your schedule! You could decline and tell them you don't have the time and aren't ready, of if you think any of them might make a good friend, then tell them you aren't interested/ready for dating, but you sure would enjoy a friend and see if they're still interested. A friend of mine does this and it works well for her, she has a very active social life only she chooses to call it friendship instead of dating and it wards off unwanted advances. It also complicates things for her sometimes as some of the men, in spite of her being candid and up front with them, still hope for more and occasionally try. If it continues, she has to cut them off.

[amw]

Thanks Mary and Kay,

You two have never steered me wrong! I'm not even close to being ready to even think about going on a date, let alone start a new relationship. Not sure I ever want to get into one. Yes, my schedule is very intense right now, and it would be nice to have friends to get together with from time to time, but like you said Kay, your friend has found that some of the guys try to make it more than it is, I don't want that. I am still working through my grief and the loss of my soul mate/husband James, and even though I know in this earthly life I will never have him back, I still feel that it would be cheating on what we had. Does that make any sense to you, or am I just crazy? I know that I am doing better some days, but I will never be over the loss of my James. Thanks you two! Good to be reconnected with you both!

[mfh]

amw, I do believe that the guilt you might feel if you dated is a pretty common reaction/response especially so soon after your loss. I also believe that when/if you are ready to date, that guilt will dissipate because you will really know dating is right for you. I think one of my many big lessons in this grief journey has been patience. This has been a huge loss for you at a young age. Patience, my friend. Sounds like your plate is pretty full as it is.

Peace

Mary

[kayc]

My friend is 4 1/2 years out but even first year she was seeing people as "friends"...she still calls it that although it seems more like dating to me, some she has kissed, but the first and second year she didn't. Even the couple of "friends" I have seen, they try for more every now and then and it gets annoying and I have to put them in their place. I've been clear and up front about my boundaries but there's something about guys, they agree to it and then want to try for more. I don't think you're ready to have to deal with all the issues that brings up, it's not fun. ( I guess it's not a gender thing, some of the guys here have probably experienced it with women too.)

[amw]

Thanks for your continued support Mary and Kay!

I have made it through my first two weeks of school, but with five classes and an internship it is pretty crazy! All I want to do is sleep on the weekends, but all I get to do is homework. Like you said Mary, my plate is pretty full, and seems to overflow at times too!

I have to get up at 4a.m. for school all week, so to get to sleep in would be nice, but I don't think there will be a chance for that anytime soon! I miss James' encouragement and pride in my being in school. If I am having a rough day, I close my eyes and can hear him say those words of encouragement that I so miss, and need to hear.

[mfh]

I do hope you can catch up on your sleep here and there. You are grieving and that is exhausting to say nothing of your schedule. Take care of you...take it from someone who did NOT do that very well at all and has paid the price. I know you miss James...and I am glad that you can retrieve his words of encouragement.

Peace

Mary

[amw]

Thanks Mary,

Yes, sleep is still a big issue for me, some connected to still grieving, some life stressors, school, and my health issues that cause so much pain, that has been the worst one lately. I don't know if it's the cold damp weather, or combination of things adding up to make the pain worse. I am trying to just stay focused on school, and the price at the end of all the hard work I am putting in. I try to take time for me each day now with meditation, deep breathing exercises, and tai chi. It also helps with my pain, as well as getting me re-focused. I never use to take time for myself, I thought it was being selfish, but after losing James, I found it was a necessity!

Back in Dec. I had my oldest son go to a memorial program that delt with grief/loss and the holidays. He said to me on the way there, you just keep doing this and draging this out, why can't you just get over it and move on? Then he said why did you want me to come with you anyway? I said to him for the first question, you just don't get it! Maybe one day you will, but not right now. And to the second question, I told him I thought he needed it as much if not more than I did. After the memorial he said on the way home, now I can see that you are moving forward, and that it will take time. He also said he was glad he ended up going with me, because he said it helped him understand me a little better, as well as how it real did affect him, too!

It's amazing what we can learn if we open ourselves to new experiences, and see others strengths and how we can help each other.

[kayc]

I am glad your son had an awakening. I pray you will be able t keep up with your classes and not sacrifice your health to do so. My son is taking a double major in Computer/Science Engineering and in Mechanical Engineering, and with class time, studying, homework, and projects, puts in 20 hours/day, no time off except Christmas Break, Spring Break, and summers. It's a grueling and exhausting schedule. I know I wouldn't be up to it and have to applaud anyone that can do that.

[amw]

^Kay.

^{It is difficult, especially with my age and disabilities, but I feel the need to get through it so that I can help others. Yes, both of my sons are in school as well, but only a single major, but they both work as well. I unfortunately got one of the bugs going around and have been down the past few days. Hope it passes soon, have way to much to do! Hope things are going ok for you, I think of you and Mary often, as well as so many others here. I can't believe it has been 9 months since James has passed away, I still miss him so deeply, and miss his touch and encouragement, our talks and just snuggling, basically I plain miss everything!}

[kayc]

Keep being patient of yourself, nine months isn't that long, and it takes a while to adjust. There are some things we will always miss, like snuggling together, that's just a given!

It's good your boys are in school, you really can't get a decent job any more without it. Hopefully they will be there for you in your old age. I know that age and infirmities definitely factor into our concerns when we lose our spouse!

[amw]

Kay,

Yeah that is one of my main worries, that my sons won't want to help me, or take care of me the way I have for all these years with them; and without James to take care of me the way I took care of him (and he did take care of me when I was sick from time to time) he even came when I was in the hospital and made sure I ate, even if he had to feed me himself. He was wonderful, once I had the flu, and he would bring me tea and toast, or gingerale and chicken soup right to the bedroom and made sure I ate, and wouldn't let others disturb me if I was sleeping. I never had that kind of care before, I probably never will again. I'm glad that my sons are in school, too! I want them to have a better life than I have, but that's almost a joke these days. I want them to be happy, healthy and love what ever job or career they choose, because that's half the battle, and if you enjoy what you do it doesn't make it quite as much of a job (chore to go to)!

[kayc]

I agree. I don't know if my kids will be there for me or not but they're very busy with their lives now so if that's any indication, I'm in trouble.

[annette85035]

A lot of people have told me I need to move on and get involved with another man.My husband died back in 1994 but in my case I know he was my soul mate and I do not need to look for another and will always be devoted to my husband.

But that is in my case,each person needs to decide for themselves when the time is right-don't let others push you into getting involved/moving on just because "so much" time has passed.

There is no clock/time limit.

If there is another person out there for you,then they will come along when the time is right for you.

[kayc]

Or as in my case, the wrong person will come along. I just want everyone to use extreme caution, esp. if you're under 2-3 years out, and not get someone else just because you're lonely or scared. It's important to ride it out until you reach the point where you are comfortable being alone and then and only then would you be ready to even make such decisions.

[mfh]

Kay, I do agree with you. We must finish or at least process and deal with one chapter before starting a new one. And being able to be alone and ok with it is critical. You won't believe how many women have come through my office over the years who want to move from one relationship to the next before they are ready. When I suggest they wait, find their centers, learn how to find happiness within themselves, before they even date....well, I get very strange looks but at some level many of them know it is right and honor themselves by waiting. I met Bill when I was content being alone after dating several men that were not good for me. I finally came to terms with just being content to be alone and guess who showed up.

Mary

[HAP]

Dear Mary,

I agree completely. It was not until I became ok with being alone that Jane walked through the door.

But periodically I hear my mother's voice--she died about ten months before Jane. When I was a teenager she used to say that all that was wrong with me could be cured by a car, a job, and a girlfriend. Even when I had the first two she worried at the last like a dog with an old bone. And, as I said, her voice erupts in my brain some days even now. It is a voice I ignored then--and that I strive to ignore now. I view the whole thing the way I viewed alcohol after Jane's death: I would only have a drink when I no longer craved alcohol. It was over a year before I even thought I was there--and even then I waited. A relationship beyond friendship is nitroglycerin by comparison. I crave that human touch even more than I once craved alcohol--and fear it even more.

Peace,

Harry

[mfh]

Yes, Harry, Funny how those things happen. No accident for sure.

I did not realize your mom died so close in time to Jane's death. And the deaths in your life have not stopped. I do think at least some of that is our age. I know i have lost a lot of friends since and before Bill's death. my mom died in 2006 at the age of 99...i was so blessed to have here so long. she was my first teacher of unconditional love. Bill w as my second. You are younger than I am but let's face it...you are no spring chicken...and deaths will continue. I hope at a slower rate.

I do understand your craving human touch and fearing it. I do crave human touch. I do not fear it but then I have no intentions of having another intimate relationship. I feel content to live in the glow of what Bill and I had. I would guess the same principle will apply - you meeting someone someday- when you are ready, that person will appear. I hope if that is what you wish, it will happen for you...truly.

I will think of you as you go to the cemetery in the morning. Jane is smiling! I will be writing Bill a poem tomorrow to add to the ones I have of ours.

Peace to your heart,

Mary

[kayc]

Harry, I didn't realize that either...you suffered two huge losses within the span of a year, that's a lot to deal with. It does seem once you get in your late 50s that you see more losses, friends and family both.

[HAP]

Dear Kay and Mary,

My mother was gone a long time before her body quit. She had Alzheimer's that started in the mid-90s. She spent the last eight years of her life in an Alzheimer's home. She ceased to know any of us about five years ago. I saw what it did to my father, what it did to my brothers and sisters. Jane and I had to deal with far less of it because of the 3000+ miles between us. But my good-byes were said long before her body quit. My little sister scattered her ashes in her garden in Seattle. It was what my mother said she wanted.

By the time my mother's body quit Jane was already too sick to travel or for me to leave her behind--though we did not know what was wrong with her. My brothers and sisters were angry that I did not go to the memorial service--except for my little brother who had seen us more recently and knew there was something wrong if I would not travel. We have since buried those hatchets. As one brother said, "We didn't know..."

Mary, I have no intentions of pursuing any intimate relationship either. But touch is my heroin of the moment and I do not trust my body not to react to the seduction if I do not stay fully aware of that temptation. That was aggravated last night by notes from two former students who, like dutiful daughters, think it is time the father-figure in their lives considered finding a new relationship. I put that notion to rest for them both. It is spooky that I can tell to the minute exactly how long ago Jane died--spookier still that I can actually mark it to the second. And it would be grossly unfair to put any human being in that shadow--not to mention immoral and unethical.

Can I conceive of such a thing happening at some point in a distant future? The universe is so strangely shaped I know anything can happen. But I am not ready for that now any more than I was for a glass of wine a year ago. Then, one drink would have led to a bottle--and then a second and a third. I would not have come back from that. An unexpected, uncontrolled touch holds much the same danger even now. I would rather resist the cravings than lose myself in the consumption of that particular fire. No good can come of it.

And so I remain mindful and focussed as much as I can in any social situation. I try to avoid even flirting with it.

Peace,

Harry

[mfh]

Harry, I did not know you had walked through ALZ with your Mom. I know that walk too well. When Bill's brother died of ALZ 18 months before Bill (exactly their age difference) we did not go to the funeral because it would have been too difficult for Bill. It was hard for him not to attend his brother's funeral but as you well know...we do the best we can do. I am sorry about your mom's struggle with that treacherous disease.

I knew you were not immediately interested in a relationship but did sense that somewhere way way down the road you might be open to it if life brought it your way. Like you, I would never want anyone to have to live in Bill's shadow. I had the best...no intention of trying to top that or settle for less. In so many ways I consider myself married to Bill...now and forever.

I admire your choice in handling cravings....and choosing to remain mindful and focused. And I might add...true to your self..and the latter is what will lead you to peace.

Mary

[HAP]

Dear Mary,

Precisely. I've had my great love. Asking for anything more would simply be greedy. So I don't want to create an illusion in someone else's mind that cannot be fulfilled or otherwise maintained. And succumbing in any significant way to that craving would do precisely that. Thank you for understanding--and forcing me to explain it to myself.

Harry

[mfh]

Dear Harry,

It sounds like we are on the same page.

Peaceful,evening...well as peaceful as possible considering the day

Mary

[feralfae]

Thank you Kay, Harry, and Mary,

Your conversation about not being ready helped a lot.

I realize I have been avoiding church sometimes and other gatherings because I a tired of fending off men who just don't get it. One calls every week, although I have told him I am not ready to go out to dinner, and I will let him know when I am. (I no longer pick up the phone.) Another one, whom I see at church, keeps asking me if I am ready to "be social" and I keep telling him I am not ready, that I will let him know. (I am not answering when he calls, either.) I cannot bear the thought of another man touching me yet. I do not want anyone to hold my hand, even, except dear friends of ours, men who know and love me as Doug's wife, and they are very careful not to say, much less do, anything to make me uncomfortable.

It doesn't matter how nice they might be, or how lonely I am: I am not ready to be courted or to flirt or anything close. I just want to learn to be at peace with me. Alone. That will be a good beginning. I am so glad to know that others do not feel rushed to work on a new relationship. I know I am not ready. It would not be fair to him, but mostly, it would not be fair to me. I have a ways to go, just to get myself sorted out. I am not ready. And I am all right with not being ready. I just want to find peace and to be able to make peace with Doug not being in our home with me, and with Doug not being present in this life. That is enough for now.

Thank you so much, Kay, Mary, and Harry, for your insights on your journey. It really helps.

*<twinkles>*

fae