Another Loss

[HAP]

Dear friends,

I just received word that a former student has died of cancer. She was in her early 30s. I had seen her last fall at another former teacher's funeral and she looked very good--though she had only recently gotten out of the hospital herself.

We were supposed to get together for coffee just before I left for Seattle but she couldn't make it because she had some errands to run before she left for Florida to spend some time with her mother. When she got back she told me she planned to be at the Relay Kick-off Dinner last Friday, but she never got there.

I don't know why, but my former students never stop mattering to me. And Ashley was one of those kids we refer to as a "daughter"--the kids who live in your classroom that you learn more about than you do about most. Jane and I had many sons and daughters who came back to visit frequently after they graduated--just to check in and let us know how they were doing.

Ashley was diagnosed with cervical cancer in her mid-20s and had been fighting various other cancers since. But she had gotten her Masters in English and was putting together the courses that would let her go to medical school. She'd been teaching biology labs at a local college.

John Donne, my favorite poet, once said, "Any man's death diminishes me, for I am involved with mankind." Today, I feel deeply diminished for this was not the loss of any man, but the death of someone I knew and admired.

Rest in peace Ashley. I will miss the person you had become. The world will miss the person you were becoming.

Peace,

Harry

[mfh]

John Donne, my favorite poet, once said, "Any man's death diminishes me, for I am involved with mankind." Today, I feel deeply diminished for this was not the loss of any man, but the death of someone I knew and admired. Rest in peace Ashley. I will miss the person you had become. The world will miss the person you were becoming.

Dear Harry

What a lovely tribute to your former student...your words, your love, and your admiration. I am sorry for your loss...and yes, I agree with Donne. I also know the pain of losing those with whom I worked as a clinician or taught back in the 60s and early 70s. Every once in a while I hear that one of them has died....and a void is created. On occasion a former student finds me on Facebook...I was recently honored by one of them, someone I taught in 5th grade back in the 70s, who said she became a teacher because of me. These young people get under our skin and I believe that, like you, who had no children, the kids I taught for many years were very special to me. I do know how that feels and I reach out to you as you walk through yet another loss. Peace to your heart, Mary

[HAP]

Thanks Mary. There is a selfish part of me that just wants all the deaths to stop until I stop hurting from Jane's so much. Clearly, that's not going to happen, so I'll just have to deal with it.

Peace,

Harry

[enna]

Oh Harry,

I am so sorry for the loss of your former student. Yes, I remember so well those students we see as 'daughters or sons' as we went about our teaching careers. It is always painful to hear of the young ones leaving this earth so soon. Our world is about life and death. I mourn for those who have left us and I rejoice when I hear that students I have taught are thriving as adult wonders in whatever profession they have chosen. Peace, Anne

[mfh]

Harry, I do not think it is selfish...perhaps we call it a natural human response to an incredibly painful loss. I do understand. When my friend Cathy had to undergo surgery and chemo in these past weeks, it felt like a lot to handle. We ARE human, my friend. We love deeply and that is fulfilling and exhausting when loss is involved. Our love reaches way down into the deepest parts of our souls.

Peace, my friend,

Mary

[kayc]

Harry, I am sorry for your loss, and sorry for the world's loss, because it sounds like she was off and rolling to a wonderful start...what a shame that such a wonderful life had to be cut short, shy of her fulfilling her dreams.

[HAP]

Thank you all.

[HAP]

Dear friends,

I have had a very busy few days. I went to Ashley's wake Tuesday night and to her funeral yesterday. Many of the students she was in class with were there and it was good to spend some time with them. They have decided they want to set up a scholarship in her memory that will go to journalism students at the high school I taught at.

Someone dug up a picture of one of the staffs she was on and posted it on Facebook. I had forgotten how many really outstanding people were on that staff. They have all gone on to be very successful, not only in terms of careers, but in terms of becoming really good human beings.

There were also a number of Jane's former students there, among them a young woman who is teaching physics, chemistry, and biology, just as Jane did. She credits Jane with helping her understand she really could master all of those subjects.

It was all very moving. But I would have preferred it not to have happened at all. Ashley's mother floored me when I went through the line at the wake. I said to her that if there was anything she needed--even if just someone to talk to--that she should not hesitate to call me. She said, "Can you wake her up?"

"I only wish that were in my power," I said to her. But afterward, as I thought about it, I wondered if even if it were in my power I would truly do so. It would be a selfish thing to do, I thought, to drag someone who was at last at peace and out of pain back into this world that is so seldom about peace and rarely without pain. Yes, having Jane back would ease my own pain--just as having her daughter back would ease that mother's pain. But is easing our own grief reason enough to pull our loved ones back to this place where even justice is in such short supply?

Perhaps, if I knew more than I do, I could see my way out of it being a selfish act. But even if what any of us believe to be true be, in fact, true, recalling someone to life is a hard thing to justify. Jane hated being awakened from sleep. It made her cranky. Awakening her from death--dragging her back into a body that no longer functioned properly--and never would--would be a senseless cruelty.

But I understood Ashley's mother's desire to have her daughter back because I had the same desire after Jane's death. And I asked the same question the first time I saw each of them in their coffins: "What are you doing here?" It made no sense to me in either case. They were both bright women with beautiful futures still in front of them. And yet there they were--or at least their bodies were--the vehicles that had carried them through this life. And I wanted those bodies filled again with the lives that had, until so recently, resided there.

But it is not within my power. And, ultimately, it is good that it is not.

Peace,

Harry

[kayc]

Harry,

I am glad you made it through the funeral. Yes it is good that it is not in our power. It would be a struggle not to bring them back and I know they are at peace now and no longer having to contend with pain and suffering and just the struggles of life. The plant that George worked for (Country Coach) has since closed and jobs have dried up. So many times I have been glad that he is not here to see the price of gas (he loved to drive) or his job go down, the price of groceries (he loved to eat), and just the whole way the country is headed. I am glad he missed all of that, not to mention the condition his body was in and how it would have limited his life and activities. He loved being the man and taking care of me, and some of that would have had to come to a standstill...he wouldn't have liked being disabled in the least! So for those reasons I am glad he is spared now...but it means me living my life without him and that is tough.

[feralfae]

Dear, Dear Harry,

Your soul is so very beautiful. Thank you for sharing the journey you are traveling with us.

Yes, the gift of life is a lease, but the gift of awareness is eternal. Which has always comforted me, and comforted both Doug and me since the day we began the new adventure of the cancer, at which, Doug used to say all the time, we humans are only guessing, but then, we are a young species.

Life recycles, but awareness of spirit is a gift out of all bounds beyond life.

Thank you so very much for sharing, and I pray your heart is healing a bit more every day. It gets easier.

Blessings and Much Love,

fae

ps our favorite poem for the last several years has been Valediction Forbidding Mourning and it was handed out with the program at his life celebration last May in Alaska.

[mfh]

Oh Harry, I am so sorry again for the loss of this beautiful woman and how distraught her mom and others like you who love/d her so. Justice does seem far away at times when we look around at life here. But I am clear that if Bill could come back tomorrow but had to continue to suffer, I would not want that for him as you would not want it for Jane.

We know so little about the big picture. I do believe however that the short time we have on this planet is just that...a short glimpse at the whole picture...

I am just so sorry loss continues, as it will for all of us, to bring you sadness when you are so raw.

Peace, my friend

Mary

[HAP]

Dear friends,

And the beat goes on. I got a note late this afternoon that another old friend has lost her husband of 57 years. The memorial service is Saturday in NH--about three hours away in good weather. But we are expecting 30+ inches of snow starting tomorrow into mid-day Saturday. Sigh.

He had Alzheimer's but died of cancer--my two least favorite diseases rolled together into one solid block of hideousness. February is turning into a really awful month.

Peace,

Harry

[feralfae]

Dear Harry,

I am sorry to hear about your friend's husband. Oh my. Not another loss. So soon.

I am so sorry to hear that you are traveling this road again, and I do not mean the snow, although that is not so great. I mean traveling this road of loss, support, saying farewell. I hope you are finding some time for your own healing and quietness. I know it must be tough trying to make it through all of this, all in such short sequence. I am just so sorry for all the losses on your path right now.

How wonderful that they had 57 years together!

I hope February gets better for you, and very soon. Be careful driving in all that snow. I hope the roads will be well-cleared for your trip. I am so sorry that you have another loss to face right now. I hope that the rest of February will a be a time of low or no stress and peace for your healing heart.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[HAP]

Dear Fae,

I will not be driving anywhere. The state wants all private traffic to cease by noon tomorrow and extending through the day on Saturday. Part of me is hoping the memorial is postponed so I can be there. But I also know Faith will want the closure the ceremony will bring her--and that is more important than anything else.

The saying is that death comes in threes. In which case, there is another one lurking out there somewhere. I am hoping the old saw proves untrue--but with a blizzard coming in on too many people who have not seen one and are treating it like a party, I will not hold my breath in hoping.

Peace,

Harry

[feralfae]

Dear Harry,

I am very relieved to hear you are staying home, regardless of when the memorial will be held. I hope this turns out to be a blessing for you.

Yes, here in Montana, it seems that every year some new arrivals will walk into their heated garage, load the warm car with children in t-shirts, and never bother to check the weather. It makes the news when the state troopers, already too busy with all our remote little towns and roads, must go rescue these people. And we all get renewed lectures on winter driving, chains, blankets, etc. And I think maybe there needs to be more winter awareness, because it seems we lose a few people each year.

During blizzards here and in Fairbanks, we generally tried to hunker down, keep warm, sip cocoa—and occasionally sherry or brandy, or Doug's splash of scotch—and read to each other, or sometimes watch a series from the Teaching Company. After Doug became very ill, we would sometimes just sit by the fire and hold hands, our heads together. So, blizzards were nice times of isolation and togetherness, but we did not try to make it out of the hills where we live on narrow, gravel roads.

I am glad you will have some time of peace. And if these things come in threes, then you have had your three, and maybe you can relax. Doug was followed by one of our dear long-time friends, and then Estelle. I am counting that as my three for the last year. I am declaring that year over. I expect things to keep getting better, even if very slowly. I just wish I had more patience with the process.

I hope you find solace in the silence of the snow. I have found quiet walks in falling snow most comforting. We used to do that a lot together. You are in my prayers.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[mfh]

Harry, it must feel never ending. I am sorry the weather out there will prevent you from attending the funeral/memorial. I hope this is the end of this for you for a while at least. Be careful if that deep snow comes.

Peace to your heart,

Mary

[Wifflesnook]

Harry, I am so sorry.

[enna]

Harry, your winter storms reminded me of the Shakespearian soliloquy spoken by Richard 111 and often so misunderstood – ‘now is the winter of our discontent made glorious summer by this sun of York.’ I went back to that soliloquy and read it just for fun! Strange how a snowstorm brought that to my mind! So many metaphors and puns used by Shakespeare. What a genius!

I am sorry to hear of yet another loss in such a short time, Harry. How wonderful though to have 57 years with someone. Stay warm during the storm and think positive thoughts. Yes, February has been a trying month for you. My positive thought: ‘The sun will come out tomorrow.’ Anne

[kayc]

Harry,

What another blow, and yet how fortunate she was to have had 57 years together! I had only a fraction of that, and yet the rest of my life served to highlight the time I had with George as black velvet against a diamond!

I'm sorry you have so much snow, that really is a lot for the roads. Perhaps you can have a "time of thought" to him as the service is taking place elsewhere.

[Wifflesnook]

Oh heck I just lost a post. It was this:-

Are you folks in the US aware of the finding of the body of Richard IIIV under a car park in Leicester? It is a totally amazing story. You can follow it on 4od which is our channel four and may be available in the US? The programme is called The king in the car park I think.

I must google this weather which some of you are having. It's a bit cold here but nothing much by our standards.

[feralfae]

Dear Jan,

As a history buff, I just had to go read this! How wonderful!

I am glad that Richard, in part at least, may be redeemed for all the bad press he had earlier. And I am glad his bones will be properly laid to rest, too. What a neat discovery, and the DNA information is excellent! Thank you for this bit of news! I have always found Richard to be an enigmatic and challenging character, with many pieces of history about his life that do not fit together neatly. It was a difficult period for the throne.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[mfh]

Oh heck I just lost a post. It was this:-

Are you folks in the US aware of the finding of the body of Richard IIIV under a car park in Leicester? It is a totally amazing story. You can follow it on 4od which is our channel four and may be available in the US? The programme is called The king in the car park I think.

I must google this weather which some of you are having. It's a bit cold here but nothing much by our standards.

The Richard III find has been all over town. We have a Shakespearean outdoor theatre here and they did Richard III last summer and it was a huge success so I think we have a following of RIII here now.

[Wifflesnook]

Ah I thought it wouldn't have passed you by. Its such an amazing story and the woman who began it raised &pound;10,000 to pay for the dig. And when she visited the car park she had a sort of prevision that Richard III 's body lay in a particula place and it turned out she was totally right. The whole story is almost unbelievable but true.

[enna]

Yes, Jan,

I am familiar with the dig of Richard 111's body under the car port. Interesting story and as Fae mentioned there has always been lots of bad press. As a history buff I too try to keep current with this part of history. A good find. Anne