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Transformations On This Path


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Thank you Mary. Thank you for your understanding and compassion. I am so blessed to have found this place of kind hearts. Thank you for letting me know the days ahead will be more joyful. I am still feeling pretty numb, but my counselor shows signs of happiness now, and her energy has changed a LOT these last few months, and I am so happy for her, because she lost her dear husband almost three years ago, and when I was first seeing her, she seemed almost as weighed down with grief as I was. Now she is better. You are better. You are smiling and humming! I knew it would happen, and now I will patiently wait for the when. I have a big sign up in my kitchen (where the lights are doing all right at present) "Patience Solves More than You Can Imagine" and I read it many times each day. Doug often told me, smiling at my impatience about things, that patience was not one of my stronger virtues. I am learning patience. It is not easy. I think it is tied to faith, which I am slowly experiencing again, but slowly. Some of the connections got lost when Doug left, I think.

You are doing so well, and I enjoy reading your posts. I am not on Facebook, and so I learn things here about everyone that I am missing. But I truly love reading things here that make me smile. And I am so looking forward to humming again! I have played Bach all day. Tomorrow is Scriabin's day. :)

I am working on the beginnings of a daily schedule for me, so that I will have some activities planned.

Today, Saturday, I made a list of chores I could do, and so I have hauled up firewood, done the laundry, watered the plants, cleaned the house, and took a walk through the forest. It is snowing emphatically now, so I will not make the drive to town that I had thought to make this evening to pick up mail. There is just no use in inviting a slip on the unplowed roads. I have some old funny Cary Grant movies to watch, and can ride the exercise bike while I am enjoying the movie. And there is all that laundry to fold. Before, I did the laundry, and Doug folded and put away things. Of course, there is not as much laundry now, but I miss his precise and very neat folding of things. I am a bit messier, although people comment that I am remarkably neat and organized.. :) I guess some of Doug's neatness has rubbed off over the years.

Thank you for your loving support and sharing. And your humor and stories, too!

*<twinkles>*

fae

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If you need to learn patience, you will learn it on this journey. It has been one of the challenges for me. I don't know how to describe the place I am in right now but it is far better than it was a year ago and two years ago. I have just started back to doing therapy in the past few months....very slowly. It is what i needed to do for me. We are all different. I am glad your therapist is also doing better. No two journeys are the same but I do see similarities. Peace...stay off the roads.

Mary

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Dear Fae,

As I read the very personal outpouring of your thoughts to us here on this forum I feel honored to spend the time reading about your first anniversary. I feel somewhat comforted as I will approach mine on May 25th. You are marching on valiantly enjoying the things that bring you peace in who you are. So many little things come into our lives and if we are open to them we become nourished in their offerings. Your Doug is with you as my Jim is with me and so many other spouses are here giving us signs if we are only open to them. The signs come in feathers, breaths, butterflies, flowers, bees, or whatever. Our loved ones are with us. Our imaginations tell us that that is so. We can’t help but believe after we read the outpouring of grief that is expressed on this forum. We will always have the overwhelming pain deep down in the core of our beings but we will also know that the memories we hold will keep us moving forward in our journeys.

It is a very personal journey when our spouses tell us that they know we have come to this earthly end. My Jim wanted me to know that he will always be with me and I believe him. Only he is not with me the way I want him to be. Selfish on my part…

I am glad that you have joined our forum. You are welcome here and whatever you want to say is honored. I know that you realized that you have only begun your journey. I have found this out from our seasoned veterans. We are all cherished here and we are safe to travel our journeys as we each need to. Anne

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  • 1 month later...

Hello ...

Thank you Anne, for tapping my shoulder.

Whew! Just out of retreat, fasting, Quest for Vision, sweats, lots of prayers.

Everything I left on hold began to come back today fast and furious, and this week is pretty much buried, although I may find a way to exhume one day soon just because things are going way too fast around here.

Repairmen, godchildren back from India settling into apartment, Darcy, the Other Taxes for the Other Foundation, and gobs more. I am going to go take a nap which may be an early bedtime.

I hope to be back here at least a bit in a few days, when things slow down a little more.

*<twinkles>*

fae

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Through my time of fasting, prayer, meditation, retreat, and being in stillness, many transformations have surfaced into my awareness. Among those shifts has been a growing sense of hope and certainty about the future, as well as a growing peace in my heart and spirit about Doug and his escape. The transformations are still evolving, but within my heart I can feel a new quiet acceptance, a new strength growing that will carry me forward.

As I leave to work at my desk, finish a couple of projects, and run errands, I am also reminded that my healing and nurturing are most active in the quite times when I can sit still and listen, reflect, pray, and be with my own awareness. I've also been listening to Tara Brach's enlightening presentations, and feel healed by her insights and compassion. So, as I go to begin my work day, I send love and light to you all, and will hope to be back to be more in fellowship with my Tribe here very soon.

Blessings, Much Love, and

*<twinkles>*

fae

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fae, i hope your day was calm and peaceful. Mary

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fae, she's been in the anticipatory section...she's sick.

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Dear Mary,

Thank you. No, it was not such a peaceful day, but that is okay sometimes too.

I am feeling a lot better, did a half hour of meditation, and want to get back to another half hour in a few minutes before I sort of collapse in bed.

I received some very loving notes from two women climbers today, and what was funny was that they had not talked with each other, but just happened to both get in touch today, when I really needed some love. One is a widow of five years, she and her husband were both climbers. And one who is an artist who has painted a portrait of Doug for the Club.

I have advanced the redecorating the guest room project a bit this afternoon after I got home. I need to go fix a bite to eat, then do my other meditations to get centered, and then do some stretching and moving today. Too many sitting hours!

I'd best go stick to my schedule, even if a few hours late. Maybe I will get back here a bit later.

Much Love to everyone,

fae

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I stood up for myself today, offering a nice quiet note that I am sure is being passed around the family of ruffians. I was little scared, then build my light shield, and realized I was only doing what any normal, healthy, self-loving and self-protecting person would do.

I am very proud of me for standing up for myself after all this time of being in too much grief to do so.

Hurray for me!

*<twinkles>*

fae

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I'm proud of you, fae! We do learn to grow some backbone when we have to...and sometimes when we've lost that person who used to stand up for us, we learn to do it ourselves!

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Thank you Kay!

You know, Kay, I have always been known as something of a warrior, but the fight went out of me when Doug left. And I had very little experience with his family, except the stories Doug would tell me about them when he was exasperated with all the financial and other forms of assistance they importuned incessantly.

But I am feeling a stronger, and better able to bounce back from things most days. And I had a massage and a facial today, which was very healing. My friend Pris is here for a couple of weeks from Alabama, so we had a great visit today. It is always good to see her. And I ran into my friend MaryB at the post office, and my friend Norma at the spa. It is good to see friends who knew Doug so well, and to be able to talk with them without breaking down after just a few minutes. Although I am crying right now, thinking about the parties we would host for them all. We had wonderful parties around the fire, roasting marshmallows on the long sticks Doug had carved for us, or inside at our big round table, with the candles, crystal, and silver casting dancing lights all around while Doug opened the wine.

Oh, my.

It is very good to remember the wonderful times, even through the tears.

*<twinkles>*

fae

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Family dynamics can be very complex, it's hard to say why they do what they do sometimes. Just know you are not alone and rest in the knowledge that you are strong and handling this the best you can. Let it all go. I'm so glad you ran into friends, now THAT can brighten one's day! :) "Friends are the family we CHOOSE."

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Thank you dear Kay,

I wish I could figure out how to solve this with love.

I am letting it sit a few days, while I keep up my healing and meditation. I am hoping to go to church tomorrow, and have invited my friend who is a recent widow to go with me. Reinforcements. :)

I am feeling better about my ability to not get distracted quite as much while meditating, and also being kinder to myself as I gently draw myself back toward center. There are so many wonderful links around our fire here. I love the cartoon Mary put up of the "cutting edge" intention. Cute.

Kay, I suppose that I really want to let it all go, and thought I had, but then it all came up again with our friends in Alaska. I will just let it sit a few days. It takes too much of my energy which I need for healing. But I know I cannot go on letting people ruin my reputation.

I hope Arlie is better already.

*<twinkles>*

fae

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It'll take Arlie a few days to let his system heal. At least by Tues. when he goes to the vet he'll be better or worse and I can solicit their help if needed.

It's wise that you're going to let it sit a few days...that's what I usually do, it gives time for feelings to settle a bit and think more clearly, perhaps something will come to you. I'm sorry you're going through this. Perhaps the "love" you need to heal this with is "tough love". We can love people without loving their behavior, and just because we love them doesn't mean we don't need to call them on some things...we just need to remember to stick to the issue at hand (not the last 30 years) and be firm but loving. ;)

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Dear Kay,

I will hold thoughts and prayers of Arlie playing, healthy and happy today. Does the yogurt help to settle things down?

Kay, you are so wise in your approach to life and relationships. Perhaps I am spoiled, because I generally expect people to treat me with love and honesty, with compassion and kindness. When they surprise me, it is sometimes a real shock to me. I am too naive, I think. Too many years as an ivory tower academic, I suppose. Or in my studio, listening to Bach and creating, not out in the larger world. And I am still getting my "backbone" back together on so many levels. :) Emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Usually, I am pretty good at letting things go, but sometimes I still feel very raw and things send me reeling off into some strange spaces.

Today is 14 months since Doug left. Yesterday, I had to dig out one of his caps that he wore while working in the forest, and sat and smelled his fragrance, and hugged his cap to my heart, and just cried and cried. I miss his presence so much some days that my heart wants to leap out of my body and go find him. I still walk outside, looking for him in our forest some days. I know he is gone, but the longing sometimes just overcomes me, and I wonder around, hoping to humanly sense his tangible presence. Then I remember he is in my heart.

But I am healed a lot from the most recent meanness of his family. I turned my focus to all the love around me from our spirit family and their love. Doug tried to do that with me when someone in his ruffian family would do something to another family member that was a felony in most circles! I would get upset, and he would point me in a better direction. He simply avoided them, poor souls.

Doug's dear, beloved, widowed sister-in-law called this morning, remembering this date. She reminded me that the ruffians just want attention and it is best to ignore them. She is right. Doug loved her and Bruce, her husband, who was Doug's favorite brother. She is struggling after three years to find her way, after dear Bruce lost his battle with esophagus cancer three years ago. I loved Bruce and his wife from the first minute I met them, and she and I have stayed close through Bruce and Doug's leaving their bodies. She is such a dear. Sometimes the hurtful things drive away the love, I sometimes feel.

Today, I will focus on the loving people around me, and those who loved us but are farther away. I will use this day for loving, and find loving ways to respond. I usually let things sit at least a week, even research papers I am writing. So letting this sit another week or two is fine. I may do more writing, but I am not posting any of it for a while, but it helps to let it out. I am sorry to admit I do not love the ruffians, nor do I want them in my life or homes. It just helps to vent. And I really do not need to give them any attention.

So, I guess I will be around today. I will be helping grand-Goddaughter Sarah redecorate her room for her birthday present. She was born on Doug's birthday, and so is extra special to us. She will be 14 on May 19. We are going to pick out some fabric for her next week for new curtains and bolsters, and we will keep the colors of her quilt her grandmother made for her incorporated into the new decor. Her grandmother was my dear friend Suze, who was also my goddaughter Darcy's mother. It is nice to have this continuity. :)

I am holding you and Arlie in prayer now and this coming week until we hear the vet report, and my hope for you today is day of peaceful rest, loving companionship, and a healing heart.

Thank you so much, dear Kay, for your presence in my life. You are a very wise soul.

*<twinkles>*

fae

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Thinking of you today as you remember and cherish!!

Mary

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fae,
Thinking of you and hoping today is going well for you. I am so lucky because even though George's scent disappeared years ago, I remember it so well, and remember his voice and remember how I felt when he held me. I've heard some say they couldn't remember so I feel so fortunate that none of that has faded, all I need to do is close my eyes and remember and he is instantly back here with me. But still, it seems so long ago...TOO long ago.

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Dear fae, I hope your day of remembrance was a time of peace. Your journey is still new...and I see you honoring it.

Peace

Mary

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Thank you Kay,

It is wonderful that you can still hear George's voice. I can feel Doug sometimes, but his body presence has really faded, although his spirit presence is pretty strong. It is seldom that I roll over, expecting his presence. And I do not wait so often for him to come into rooms.

Today, the 14th month anniversary, I sat meditated for a while, tossed a lot more wildflower seeds around, brought in wood, a few chores, called to check on a couple of friends, and then my mind began to be occupied with quantum mechanics, which I have studied and written. But not much lately, although I have one conversation going on the maths of it with a friend at Princeton. Dirac's Delta function and the questions it raises. So, it was as though Doug were here in my mind, carrying on this conversation with me about photon trajectories, and lots of rather boring technical stuff, but fascinating to me. So of course, I had to make notes. That was fun. At least now I have some interesting questions and thought problems to consider.

I have videos of Doug narrating climbs he filmed back in the 70s with his super 8 camera: some of them first ascents, too. Doug carefully recorded his first ascents, wrote the stories up using aliases for all the guys, named a few peaks and other features in Alaska, and never turned in the reports to the UIAA (Intl. Alpinists Union) because he wanted others to have as much fun figuring out a route as he and the guys did. But he filmed many of the first ascents, and photographed the rest, and so there is a record. And the names are now on the official topos. I talked him into narrating some of them when he was in his second round of chemo, and we put a window in the films with Him narrating, so I can see and listen to him when I want to. :) I watched one partly today. I am not ready to watch these videos yet, ot to hear his voice that much.

But I just needed to smell his cap. I read some of his love letters today, looked at honeymoon photos, and then our Goddaughter from Alaska called, and we talked for two love-filled hours while Harboni, her daughter, sang in the background then fell asleep, being not quite one yet. Hardeep was at work. They are Sikh, and Hardeep has had a rough time, watching the muslims kill his father and others of his family at the Golden Temple in Amritsar. He was a little boy and escaped. But now they are here, in school, and working, making their way without government assistance, because they are sponsored, and do not want to impose on their sponsor (not me) or become a financial burden. Bright and wonderful young couple. Beautiful hearts.

By then, it was snowing vigorously. I prayed in my kiva, in the beautiful blowing snow swirling around me. Large, wet snowflakes, bringing moisture to the parched earth.

And mercy and understanding fell into my heart, and I prayed about this mess with the family ruffans. And I examined myself to figure out that sending the snarly post to Caring Bridge was wrathful, and so it will not be sent. I had to figure it out for myself. I cannot use hatred or anger to solve this. I must use love. Not compassion for them, who have none, but love for the confused ones. Because I find we humans do not know ver often the love such as we have here. This will be an excellent experiment to see if I am able to heal all this with love rather than a tiff. I have a plan afoot. :)

I came in and sat by one of our icons, and cried, until I heard Doug say, "You can lean on me." And my heart opened, and I felt his love so close around me that I was warmed by his presence, and I felt incredibly blessed to know this love. So, with the beautiful snow, call from our Goddaughter in Alaska, and sharing with Doug, it has been a very good day, and I am a bit more caught up on the world of quantum and cosmic physics. :)

I have listened to Evelyn Duborg playing Scriabin's preludes today, which always takes my spirit into rainbows of joy. And those are not adequate words. Doug and I would lie on the carpet and listen to these and Rachmaninoff's Third.

I am reading Robert Frost poetry tonight, and one of my favorites is Two Tramps in Mud Time. The last stanza is one of our favorites, and we had it done in calligraphy and it is up in the kitchen, next to Jung's "Vocatus non vocatus Deus aderit" which was our most favorite. Told you we are nerds. :). I am okay. I have a lot of fun things to do this month, I am healthier than I have been in more than two years, I am painting house interior trim, and I have a new physics problem to work my mind on while I use my body other ways. Life is very good. I am sorting and even packing a few things, because I know I am moving sometime, and earlier is better. :) This is a big house for one person to maintain. And a lot of land, actually.

Things will work out. It is wonderful to share this campfire with my Tribe here.

*<blessings*>

fae

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I'm tremendously interested in quantum physics ( and almost totally ignorant). I tend towards the intellectual answers to the big questions and especially since Pete's death I've been trying to work out the nature of 'reality' to try to see how and where our loved ones who have died could have gone. And the nature of time. Can you recommend any reading for someone like me Fae?

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Hi Jan,

One of the easiest books on the interface of quantum mechanics and metaphysics, which is what I think you are wanting to find, is Fabric of the Universe by Postel, concerning the work at Cern fairly early on. He synthesizes the relationship between the known characteristics of sub-atomic particles (as postulated and experimented at CERN) and,especially, Eastern Thought in areas of spirituality and the interface of human awareness with existence. There is a film by Postel that used to be available, but I think now may be available only in the NASA/JPL archives, although I, personally, think it should be available on YouTube. :)

If you want more in math, try deBroglie or Bohm.

I believe that we are co-creators of our existence, which many people find a difficult concept. Doug and I spent a lot of time on physics and metaphysics.

And I must say that if I had not subjectively, individually, personally experienced a few of the heart-opening and heart-healing events that I have, I still would have a more intellectual approach, but now it is primarily a spiritual perspective, which had caused Doug and me to shift our lives a lot, and is something I continue to do, although getting my toes back into the math mix is also most enjoyable.

Time: our perspective on time is pretty much limited, as is our perspective of reality, by the speed of light. But now there are discussions of tachyons. We know so very little.

I hope this helps, and feel free to ask questions any time. Although I may not have a clue. :)

*<twinkles>*

fae

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Jan, I will look through my library today for some titles for you. The Dance of the Wu Li Masters comes to mind first.... For me, the bottom line is faith. I truly believe Bill's consciousness exists and that he is with me 24/7 and we shall meet again. I feel sad that our meeting will not include physical hugging and can't imagine being with him and not hugging but I know his body died. Not sure about the glorified body thing. I don't know how it all works and I love reading about quantum physics, Life After Life, all the dimensions, and NDE stuff and more but it boils down to believing (for me).

It is raining today...tomorrow....Wednesday with SNOW on Wednesday night and Thursday night. The snow will not amount to anything but it is the principle of the thing. :) No one is happy about it. It is nice to see spring but seeing it come slowly makes it easier. I understand how seasons changing is a trigger. It seems everything is a trigger but it DOES get easier. You are less than a year into this. I hope this week to get out with the rake and start cleaning up the yard, and decided to hire someone to rota-till where I want grass to disappear and die. The newspaper told me I can have all their end rolls to cover but it seems easier to just get someone in here with a weapon. Last night I plotted out the back yard on paper keeping space for my labyrinth (2014-15). I will put in 4 trees soon (the ground is defrosting)....1 Crimson King Maple (Bill loved that) for the center of what will be a labyrinth next year and 3 white pine (from my friend's forest) because they grow really fast and will eventually block off a building off behind my yard across the alley. I do not want too much more shade in most of the yard. In the meantime I will focus on perennials with the help of my master gardener/dog groomer friend :) and other friends who will share a ton of plants with me and some plants I will buy. I must have Shasta Daisies and Iris and Daffodils. I love roses but they scare me so I won't try that yet. I will put in a lot of Hosta and fern where it is ONLY shade...and my friend has a ton of both to get rid of but I need to get moving so hers don't get too big to move. It will all take time to create but I NEED flowers/life in my yard...it is so bare out there since the trees got destroyed by a storm and this is the first time I cared enough to take any action since we moved in here and since Bill died but I need to move at a healthy pace. If I had the money I would just hire someone to do it all and then I would maintain but I think part of the therapy for me might be getting down and dirty :) (just getting down is a challenge-getting up is harder :) seeing the never-to-be-finished garden reflect me not some work person. Rambling again. Oh, well, that is the plan...over time.

Mary

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