Transformations On This Path

[feralfae]

Dear Jan,

I am glad you found "Fabric" and for a very nice price!

Read it in joy. It is not a lugubrious text book, loaded with maths and arcane explanations, but a very fun exploration of the concepts of quantum mechanics. The book Mary recommended, "Dancing Wu Li Masters" is much the same.

I think the concepts you want to leave the book knowing are that everything is One, that the entire Existence has vibrational characteristics, and that humankind has little comprehension of either the small energy interactions, and not much more of the huge energy interactions, although we know they exist. What both "Fabric" and "Dancing" bring into our awareness is that everything is related on an energetic level which we are slowly comprehending. Other than that, I am working on some stuff related to photons right now, which I hope will let me see a new way of looking at some of these interactions.

But today is a busy one with logistics of getting a storage space for packed cartons,organizing the shipment of empty cartons that arrives this morning, and then, glorious time! working on the tent designs. And I have a little container of fresh, organic strawberries for a treat today! They were on sale at the organic market. I feel especially tickled to have strawberries to savor, since it may snow later today.

Has anyone heard from Shannon? She is having such a rough time, and I almost hope her doctor puts her in the hospital for a few days so she can get more care and rest.

Kay, keep us posted on Arlie. I am glad everyone else is muddling along and doing all right.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

Wow, you all sound so industrious! I dread the day when I have to go through and clean out my home/garage/storage areas of 36 years of family living. I don't know where to start. It almost seems easier to pack what I want to keep and get rid of the rest!

Jan, I hear what you're saying. I know, sometimes it does feel like we're just going through the motions and our heart just isn't in everything, sometimes it helps to go through it anyway...sometimes not so much. Stupid people to think you'd ever be over Pete, we all know we'll never be "over" them! I've been amazed at people's responses to what I'm going through with Arlie...it seems you all here are the only ones that understand. And I am reminded once again of how George would have been truly there for me throughout this in a way that no other man could be. You see, he was totally present and he cared and he knew how to respond, just what I needed him to say or do, and he always came through. I don't see that in other people. Have other people really lost the art of caring and being a true friend or was he just one in a trillion? It's sad, really. You guys have encouraged me more than anyone. Even the vet doesn't seem to give a rip. I called them as soon as they opened and they said they'd call me back...still waiting.

Shannon posted a bit but she's still very sick, sleeping mostly.

[kayc]

fae,

This is where Shannon posted last:

http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?/topic/7907-been-very-sick/#entry68249

[mfh]

The woman who is taking wallpaper off my kitchen and bathroom walls is busy working. She is lovely but she talks endlessly so I am organizing my computer files. They were once meticulous and after Bill died, I just did not care so the last three years will take me a long time to unravel..90% of them are bookmarks.

As for loving our furbabies I was watching a news things on the Clydesdale horses used by Budweiser. Yesterday I came across their ads and today up popped a news deal...on the history of the horses. The man who raises them said something like this: "They are just like people. you get to know them and their expressions and what they are saying." We animal lovers are not alone. When our first dog, Buffy, was in his last months he could not get up on the bed so Bill and I took the mattress off the sofa bed in my office and the three of us slept on the floor for the last month or so of Buffy's life. I would do it again and so would Bill.

Kay, I am so sorry Arlie is sick...please do keep us updated.

Mary

[feralfae]

Hi Kay,

Thank you for the link. I posted a note to Shannon. She needs to be well, but I think she also needs to have the time with Leo, so that she does not feel that anyone else is snatched from her heart without the the time and opportunity to express her love. What a rough time for her! I am glad she has all of us here.

The shipment of packing supplies and cartons, wardrobe and book cartons, and lots of newsprint and tape has arrived on this HUGE pallet, and I am feeling a bit daunted by the entire container, but at least it is in the garage, and I can unpack as I need things. The clouds are coming in over the Divide, and we are expecting snow, but I am going to go work on packing stuff until it gets too cold to stay out there. It is not warm enough to work on the tent today, so I will pack some more boxes, and cry as I remember our years of happy, playful, and wonderful life together. This is a good feeling of cleansing, celebrating, and cherishing my marvelous, loving, and magnificent husband. It feels good, in a very bittersweet way. But I go on. I will go on. I don't think we have much choice.

Life is interesting, challenging, and a gift. Some days, sometime in the future, I will be laughing and smiling again, and eager for new challenges. I hope I am headed toward those days.

I am going to try to get at least 4 more boxes done this morning.

Waiting for the Arlie report...

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

fae, I'm supposed to get snow too, through Tuesday night. Someone forgot to tell the weather it's Spring! Good luck on the packing...

[mfh]

OK, I private messages Shannon last night and she is sick but ok. I just pm'd her again asking permission to share what she said but have not heard back. When I do I will update if she does not do it.

[mfh]

I just got permission to post what Shannon said last night in a PM. I think she has since posted this also.

ShanN said:

======================================================================

Hi Mary. Thank you for thinking of us. I have not been able to see Leo in over a week. I've been very sick. My appointment with the hematologist/oncologist is in a week. My red counts and now my white count and lymphocytes are all messed up. So I'm very nervous about seeing the specialist. Leo is doing ok but asking about me off and on. He is still struggling with bronchial pneumonia. On constant antibiotics.

I honestly have been sleep A LOT. Which is not like me. The dr says that's because of my blood counts and why I'm seeing the specialist.

I just woke up at 6:30 and its 8 now and am so tired and going back to bed.

[mfh]

Snow coming here also. Freezing rain and rain all week and tonight snow. Last March 2012 it was in the 80 and we were mowing grass. Today, the grass is greening up but snow piles here and there...and now snow. My friend in CO had 10 inches and it was still coming and Minneapolis look like January. Whatever.....

[kayc]

Last year I had snow thru May 27 but I never had it that late before. In the past, April snow was unusual. I guess it's changed.

[mfh]

In CO at 8,500 feet we had snow through May and again in September but the sun was out 300 days of the year and the snow disappeared quickly evaporating into the dry air. The snowy days here are wet, damp, gray, chilly, ugly....as is today and yesterday and the day before that and the day before that and the day before that and tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow....

[feralfae]

Dear Mary,

Thank you for keeping up with Shannon and posting here.

I hate grey days! One reason we left NU was the overcast days there from autumn through spring. It just got old. Here there is a lot of sun, especially this side of the Divide. I hope you have some sunny days very soon.

I think I am done packing for the day. I got to some things that were joint projects of Doug and me. I managed to get two more cartons done, then just broke down and began to sob and wail, so I think I had better be gentle and kind to myself and stop for the day, come inside, and get ready to go to Social Concerns Committee at church. I hope to get back here later and catch up with everyone. This will not be a long meeting, as they usually last less than an hour.

Love and Blessings to you, dear Mary, with your house under transformation. Soon the sun will be back. fae

[mfh]

Fae,

I am so glad you stopped working and allowed those tears to fall. Wailing is something I found helpful several times after Bill died....not so much these days but I would wail if I needed to. I know packing all those treasures and sorting is challenging.

I grew up not far from NU...far forth side of

Chicago...a stone's throw from Evanston...and I understand grey yucky Chicago days....we lived in Ouray CO for a while...quite a change and spent two winters in FL...nice and sunny there also in winter.

Hope your meeting went well. Glad you chose to be gentle with yourself.

Mary

[feralfae]

Mary,

If you are from Lincolnwood, I have friends there and my adopted father/mentor/dear friend who now lives in Evanston lived most of his life with his darling wife in Lincolnwood. Yes, I'd say you know Chicago's yuk days. And look, we survived! David and I spent all our spare time in Wyoming and Montana, in the mountains or with family. When the girls had flown the coop for college, and although it broke their hearts that we gave up "their" home on Michigan Avenue, we had stayed as long as we did for them. We were free, and we headed for the Rockies, and landed in Helena. David became ill and it was no longer safe to live with him. Divorce. Years alone. Doug finding me through my writings. Then Doug and I got this place out here in the boonies, and I love it here, and am sad to be moving.

And yet, I must say this:

This has been the best day I have had so far since Doug escaped. Really. I have a project underway that requires that I exercise a lot. I must think and plan, consider spaces and items, and go through things and make some decisions, or decide to wait, which has happened a few times. I moved 26 already-packed cartons out to the storage spot today (the owners are friends, so all it took was a call. I love Montana!) I have packed 4 more, but I don't know if I will go back to it tomorrow, as I may work on tent art instead.

But I am happy that I was able to wake up with a plan, reminded myself that this was going to be a really happy day, and executed it, and it really, really worked, my body is tired and a tiny bit sore, but feels good. I got home a while ago and took a long soak. Ahhhhh!

This is a big shift for me, to feel alive in my own body again after all this time. I think the sobbing and wailing today helped a great deal. And when it was over, it was over, although I did not risk revisiting the scene of the meltdown again today.

And Anne, you woke up to sun the way I woke up to enjoy the clouds that day: existence engaged us once again. How splendid! It comes and goes, but at least now you know that you are capable of that feeling once more. What a gift!

This is such an excellent fire. Marty, Mary, Kay, Anne, Queenie Mary, Harry, Shannon, and some I have missed -- Beth! Anthony! -- I am forgetting some -- I am honored to be here among you. It occurs to me that I think we know easiest those huddled in the same pew, so to type. Someone called me an "archetypical Anglican" today. I hate being an archetypical anything! I must unconform more!

So, I retorted with a quote from L'Engle. Nice discussion. I am signing off to go forage for news of Arlie.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[mfh]

fae, no I am not from Lincolnwood. Started out on the north side of Chicago (near lake in 1940), lived in 3 places up there until age 10 when we moved to Park Forest, a new suburb (first one in the US) and lived there until I left for the convent which was on the south end of Chicago (St. Xavier University), then back up to Marine Drive, then back out to south suburbs again until Bill and I married and moved to Galena, IL, then Wisconsin on 67 acres of incredible land, then Ouray, CO, the motorhome, then here in Spring Green area. I had an office in Northbrook for a while, worked in Joliet at a residential and out patient facility-director of residence and therapist. The end

So it sounds like Dave was your first husband and you have two or more daughters by him???

"Years alone" I had a lot of those also...I am used to living alone in a sense BUT that only made life with Bill even more significant.

"am sad to be moving" leaving is tough...I am sorry it is sad for you.
"This has been the best day I have had so far since Doug escaped. Really." I am glad for you....truly.

I understand why your body is tired...26 cartons is a lot of lifting and packing and then the emotional piece of it is exhausting also. i do agree that sobbing and wailing when needed helps a LOT. It releases all that energy.

"I must unconform more!" I suspect that you live outside the box a lot
Sleep well...Mary

[kayc]

fae, I can't believe what you attempt to do! I hope your meeting is a respite from the hard work and you allow yourself some chance to rest today. I woke up sick today and between that and my three hour time with the dentist yesterday, am not planning to accomplish much beyond laundry today.

[feralfae]

Dear Kay,

If there is one person in this tribe who who is highly qualified to rest and relax, it is you. You have been through far more in these past weeks than most people are required to handle all alone. If all you accomplish all weekend is resting, relaxing, enjoying healthy family around you, and taking very gentle and compassionate care of yourself, you will be doing very well.

Rest. Relax. Say no to everything not related to caring for Kay.

I mean it.

You and Mary are both just over the top emulating the energizer bunny. Stop it. Go on a weekend retreat and vacation.

Much Love and {{{hugs}}}

fae

[feralfae]

Dear Mary,

Thank you for sharing about yourself.

Park Forest, wow! Such a beautiful neighborhood. Still. I have a friend who grew up there, and recently, after his Dad left, the lovely home (I remember it, and all the beautiful trees his Dad had planted) was purchased, the house demolished, and a new, mini-mansion built on the lot. It is still a beautiful area.

Yes, two daughters, and lost the twin boys at four days old.

Years later, after we had uprooted ourselves to Montana. David's most beloved Godson died suddenly at age 23, when a congenital weak wall in his heart gave way. Two weeks later, David's favorite Aunt left at the end of a long struggle with cancer. I took care of her off and on for some time, actually. It hit us both very hard. But for David, the one-two punch, on top of having a book he had written turned by an academic press a few days prior to the Godson leaving, sent David into a tailspin of depression. It was only after a suicide attempt, while hospitalized and under observation, that the history of bi-polar disorder was discovered, which his Mother, Aunt, and two cousins had as well it was discovered. Neither of his parents had ever told him or his sister anything about it. Mental illness had a much worse stigma back then.

The next three years were a lot of psychiatrists, medications, hospitals and confusion for us. On his last visit home from a hospital to see me, he became violent. I was rescued by police. My beautiful, brilliant, wonderful, talented husband had to be locked away. He has not been able to function on his own for more than a few days at a time since. Whew. I don't talk about this. Then I was alone for 9 years. Then Doug found me. End of story.

Well, not, of course it is not the end of the story for any of us. We are still here, sharing, loving, feeling, and engaging life. We will see what tomorrow brings.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[feralfae]

Mary,

Were you at Mundelein later?

I always thought any school named Mundelein had to be beautiful place. I have no idea of the etymology of that word, but has always felt to me like a field of flowers. So I see Brides of Christ and the Wives of Humankind, and some of you blessed to have lived both lives fully, all dancing together in fields of flowers, when I hear that word Mundelein. It may be a very young childhood memory, when one of my teachers used to take me on outings to plays, opera, walks in parks, concerts, and talks. I had some very cool teachers/tutors.

Nattering, but, anyway, I hope you were at Munelein for a while, only so I can see you and everyone who loves you dancing in a field of flowers, you and everyone here, with all your lives of healing and love, serving and loving, with such beautiful and compassionate understanding.

I hope you are saving all your words. There is at least one book here by this fire of your teachings and quotes, when quotes are appropriate to make your point for you. The essential ingredients of any adventure being love and awareness, I would say you are definitely on your beautiful path. It feels good to "come up for air" this evening, rather than my original, over-achieving plan. I was going to go pack more tonight, but I have had a very full day.

We have all had such remarkable events in our lives, but then, we are that, ourselves. Remarkable. I used to wonder how some of you held together, day by day. And I am coming to understand how healing it is to be able to tell our story here among others who share the same story, in their own, unique way. And to hear and learn this language of compassion. I am learning to use it better already.

And we walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, but we also emerge, in a new identity, met with new Light. I think it is very miraculous. Thank you.

fae

[mfh]

fae, I grew up near Mundelein and had an aunt who was a BVM nun there. It is named after Cardinal Mundelein (Catholic Church) in Chicago. Then to Park Forest which was one of the first, if not the first, suburbs in our country...with commuters to the loop in Chicago for jobs.

I apologize-when I read your bio I had forgotten you lost two boys. I am so sorry. You have had more than your share of loss. I did remember your daughters. I am sorry there is sort of a distance between you and them. Bill experienced some of that when he divorced and then remarried. I know it is painful.

We had some snow...here..not much at all but it IS April!! Saw The Vagina Monologues last night. It was well done...very well done and they used the new indoor theatre at American Players Theatre, our Shakespearean theatre in the woods. I saw places where the message got a bit buried but overall it was well done.

[feralfae]

Dear Mary,

Ah, I think I did know that Mundelein was named for Cardinal Mundelein, but I always wondered where the word derived. It sounds sort of as though it should mean "Earth Light" or "flowers of the Earth".

I am not going to public performances yet. Too many people to face. Even church is tough some days still. And occasionally, the phone still rings and it will be someone looking for Doug, not knowing he is gone. When Vagina Monologues was performed in Fairbanks, I did not go. I was a bit put off by the announcement I was sent, which was explicit sexual references and comments. Maybe I missed something, after all. And when the patriarchal paradigm is so oppressive of women in so many ways, I can see how there could be a significant backlash. It just felt outside my life so very far. Thank goodness we are out of That epoch, which I write of as the PP, and I hope the new paradigms emerge with loving understanding and compassion, as well as with strength.

It is snowing here. Lovely big flakes. I am recovering from a flu that was left here by some dear friends who were traveling through, and stopped to spend the night a few days ago, leaving this bug which they might not have known they had at the time, since she thought she was over it before they left Calgary. I hope to be well tomorrow, but being in bed explains this long, long post, before I snuggle back under the covers and doze off again, after sipping some more 7-up.

Much Love to you Mary, and to everyone here.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[enna]

Mary, I am glad that you enjoyed the play. Is it spring yet in Spring Green? Enjoy your Sunday.

Fae, thank you for sharing part of your life here on our forum. I do feel that this is our forum led by a very wise 'chief' and filled with so many extended family members. When we open our hearts to another's situation it moves us along on our own journey and shows us that we are all one family in a way. I am not happy that I am here for the reason I am here but I am grateful that I walk with others. It helps me accept the pain that is in my heart. Anne

[feralfae]

Thank you Anne,

I don't know where else I would feel so free to share so much of my life. Except with my counselor. Much of what I write here is cathartic for me, and not all of it is worth reading by anyone else, but it does help me to sort it all out, see how it ties together, and I learn more about myself and my life as I write. It is mostly for me, really. (and after I put it out into the world, I can go back and erase it, so as not to have quite as much nattering here)

Yes, this pain is going to be here, and it does help to share with others, as well as keeping all the "why me?" questions at bay for me. My controlling nature makes me think if I could just understand all this, I could fix it and everything would feel better. But it is not in my control, I cannot fix it, and I will feel better eventually anyway, just not on my own personal timetable.

I have no control over this grief, only choices in how I choose to accept and move through and with the grief. Very humbling for me, but also carrying a sense of relief: I did not cause Doug to leave, I could not have changed the outcome no matter what I did, and I have no choice but to go through this grief. I will learn all I am able to learn from this time, and hope to emerge with more understanding, more compassion, and a better sense of not only who I am, but how my faith is related to my own sense of life. I don't know what else to do these days.

As you so aptly stated, we accept the pain that is in our hearts, and we share this journey, and we go on.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[mfh]

Mary, I am glad that you enjoyed the play. Is it spring yet in Spring Green? Enjoy your Sunday.

Fae, thank you for sharing part of your life here on our ffae, i orum. I do feel that this is our forum led by a very wise 'chief' and filled with so many extended family members. When we open our hearts to another's situation it moves us along on our own journey and shows us that we are all one family in a way. I am not happy that I am here for the reason I am here but I am grateful that I walk with others. It helps me accept the pain that is in my heart. Anne

Anne, I woke up to patches of snow which are now gone. It was windy and damp and cold. I just walked Bentley and wore two light weight jackets, layered, as opposed to down so I guess that is good but we are far from spring here. The trees have no signs of budding out.

fae, I am sorry you have the flu and hope you get well...perhaps your body is speaking to you...now what is it saying???

[feralfae]

Dear Mary,

Yes, it is my body speaking, most definitely, that being the easiest way to get my attention when I am drifting off my Path. Nothing like being sent to bed to give the heart and mind time to get back in synch.

Well, one thing my body has most certainly been saying for a few days now is that "we" (my awareness, my body my heart) must accept fully that his spirit is gone from that body named Doug. He called it a body label, said it was not his real name.

I am convinced that each time I am "sick to my stomach" these days, it is a lot of old toxins and contradictions being cleaned out, and also, a lot of what I think of as body-level responses to Doug leaving. Our shaman made all that pretty clear when he visited me.

So, the best thing I can do is stay with the flow. Packing for two days, and all the memories and tear-bringers were a superb help in releasing, but also it wore me down, and so my body (sore muscles!) as well as my heart needed a rest. I am a terrible pusher. Doug used to grab me and make me sit down to rest, although he was, if anything, worse about resting.

And I need to work though, come to peace with, and release all these feelings of anger, betrayal, and defensiveness and fear that came up for me around Doug's leaving. I have been doing a very good meditation and a lot of the old anger and helplessness are releasing. I am still pretty defensive, though. I am working on having that be good protection, rather than defensiveness.

So, that is some of what my dear, tired, slightly queasy body has been saying these days, and I am trying to honor it. Posting things here, then erasing them after the energy is dissipated, is an excellent way for me to wail to the heavens and release the emotional baggage. You certainly ask good questions, Mary. {{{hugs}}} Thank you.

*<twinkles>*

fae