Transformations On This Path

[kayc]

I've been feeling sick too and don't know why, but I'm not half as bad as poor Arlie.

It's been snowing a bit here today but too warm to stick, we'll see what happens tonight.

Anne, I feel the same way, not happy about how I came to be here, but there's good company here!

[mfh]

"So, the best thing I can do is stay with the flow. Packing for two days, and all the memories and tear-bringers were a superb help in releasing, but also it wore me down"

I do so understand that, fae. Everything you pick up is loaded with energy of memories and decisions. It is exhausting when we are already exhausted. Yes, expressing what we feel helps us walk "through" it all instead of around or under or over it..which does not help at all, of course. I hope you feel better and I hope you take it easy so you do not get sick again.

I have a long day tomorrow but a good one. I leave at 7am, being picked up and get home around 7pm. It is an environmental day with Jane Goodall as keynote and great workshops and exhibits. It will feel good to get out of here and be with these gentle souls and I will escape the crowds periodically all day. No sleep last night has left me quite tired so I pray I sleep tonight.

Take care of you....I admire how you are doing this journey....you are DOING it...

Mary

[feralfae]

Dear Mary,

Thank you. If you are not using the sleep meditations you recommended, I highly recommend them.

Here, http://www.healthjourneys.com/kaiser/healthfulSleep_flash.asp This is such a gift to have this fo sleeping. Thank you.

Oh, I can only imagine what a fun day you will have tomorrow, and I am very happy to hear you have breaks scheduled.

Here, I am enjoying more rice and applesauce, and one slice of GF toast today, so progress. I am going to check around the fire and then call it a night soon myself.

I hope you are already asleep, actually, because while a fun day, that is a long day.

Thank you for your being-ness.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[feralfae]

I kindled a fire tonight, as the snow came blowing in across the valley. Kindling a fire is something I sort of do automatically when the snow shows up: there won't be much sun to warm this solar house.

But the chimney may not have been swept last year, and it is showing all the signs of needing the attentions of the family who is Fabulous Flue, dear people. I had to open all the windows and doors in the great room. So I am letting the fires both die, and will turn up the "bought heat" as my Grampy called it. We had woodlots on the ranch. Still do.

Anyway, as I was saying evening prayers, it came to me that I may not be, and probably won't be, here in this home to kindle the winter fires next late autumn, when we would begin to burn the logs we had cut from the forest's dead pines. I will not be kept warm by fires Doug stoked each night. I will not be keeping Doug warm with the wood he harvested so that there is still enough for another two winters.

This is a significant leaving I am undertaking, but I think it will be a very healing one for me. I am letting the winter fires die, as I did last year after Doug left in February. No more stock pots simmering. No more root vegetable soup cooking. No more baking vegetables wrapped in foil. Not here, not in this house. But in some other place, where there is another hearth fire I can tend. Whew.

I've always wanted a grubka, a soapstone hearth stove. Maybe I can get one now. The Swedish ones are beautiful, with their ceramic decorations. They are called something like Kugelakken, I think.

After Doug was too weak to keep the firewood in the big boxes, friends came out and hauled wood for us, as I could not with my back so bad. I built the fires last autumn without Doug for the first time in years, and our Godsons came out and re-stocked the "house stacks" when I was running low. But now, I am going to let the fires die, which we did every Saturday or Sunday, anyway, to clean the ashes away

And by the time the FabFlue family of sweeps makes it out here, Spring may have arrived. Once the two hearths are cleaned, I will not want to build up more ashes in which the occasional summer feathered visitor might land, because they leave sooty marks on their way out of the house when we release them. A few years ago, we had a sooty black bluebird that we had to help find the open door so he could leave. He left soot on the sofa and one light, sage-green wall.

It is time to leave this warm fire here in the Valley, go brush my teeth, and prepare for sleep. I know I have a rather long day tomorrow of desk work and I hope, perhaps, packing a few more cartons.

Blessings to everyone, and

*<twinkles>*

fae

[feralfae]

Dear Kay,

Well, here we are, both of us working back to health from this weekend of bugs. Get well soon for both of us!

Here it is Monday morning, I am at the office, but think I will go home at noon if I can, because I am still sort of punky from this flu or whatever it is. Still not able to eat. Hoping to get down a piece of dry toast later.

Did you have time to make contact with the vets across the street from the office? I agree that anyone will probably be better than what you have had. Poor Arlie, he just needs a good doctor who will listen to you explain his symptoms and listen to your opinions. After all, you are with him more than anyone, and watch him more closely than the vets can.

What I am hoping for all of our Tribe is that we will have one full week of wellness, resting enough, able to eat, and that all the furred family will be healthy as well. For everyone.

Much Love,

fae

[enna]

Please everyone take care of yourselves. Don't forget the fluids and tender loving care of your bodies. We are a fragile bunch and we can pick up most anything. My thoughts are with all who are under the weather. Sending hugs to all. Anne

[kayc]

Mary, I hope you slept well and are enjoying your wonderful albeit long day.

Where else can you go to have your own advice given back to you? I keep meaning to look up the meditations (I can't at work) and forget when I'm at home. By the time I get home from work I'm beat and don't care if the world is up or down. And of course, this weekend, I wasn't feeling well and more importantly, my Arlie wasn't, so I didn't spend a lot of time on line.

fae, I'm amazed at what you are attempting to tackle while you are sick, no less! I hope you're pacing yourself and not trying to set land speed records. And I do hope you go home at noon. You must be one of those amazing energy laden people. I used to be. And yes, I did call the new vet, reported in the doggy thread.

Anne, your precious thoughts are well noted...I made a pitcher of green tea last night and drank half of it, it did actually help how I felt inside. I love green tea for how it feels!

[mfh]

Kay I am sure you are beat by the time you get home at night. You have had a tough time with Arlie, flu, and so many other challenges. You are in my prayers.

mary

[feralfae]

Oh, gosh, it is so good to see you all here this evening.

Part of an office day, and an email from one of Doug's SIL. Pretty harsh, like, get over it, we all miss him, get on with your life, Doug would not want you to mourn, etc., etc. Whew! Pretty stiff bracing up. So, I called Doug's mentor and he made me laugh, and cheered, and reminded how much better off I am without them. He is very funny sometimes. So after a few minutes of letting me whine, he gently switched the subject to his new car that does everything but fly, I think. He is a retired pilot.

What I noticed today was a lot of anger being directed and coming out, and I wrote two vicious, long letters, and did not send either one of them, of course. But boy, did it ever feel really, really good! And the knot in my stomach is relaxing some, so I am feeling better. I am beginning to trust that I can keep my feet in the face of things again. My response was a model of decorum, while defending my right to grieve, mourn, and cry as much as I need to do so.

Maybe we need to bring back black. The Royals still use it, those arbiters of decorum for much of the western world.

Kay, I did not stay all day. And really, they are happy if I am just there sometimes so they can bounce things off of me. The new server is being configured, and I needed to talk to the Security WIzard about that today, and edit a couple of things, but no hard work, not even any hard thinking.

Now then, why don't we all go take a hot shower, get ready for bed, and listen to the sleep tapes (I shared it with Darcy today, Mary, thank you again). Actually, I hope Kay, Mary and Jan are sleeping now. I am not sure what time it is where Jan is, but she could be napping. Anne, you need to scoot off soon anyway.

I am going to have some more delicious Basmati rice with turmeric and organic coconut milk (Big diet improvement! Huge!) and hope the inner releases tonight let me get rid of more anger, too. That was a very good time of exploding silently on to the screen, and it worked beautifully. Nice.

This is mostly about me, and I hope you all do not mind. I just needed to giggle with someone about a perfectly great release of anger, accomplished without harming another person.

Blessings and wonderful nights of sleep.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

Get over it? Move on? !!! I'm angry if you aren't! I'd feel like tearing the letter up an sending the pieces back to her! Grrr! You did right by writing the letters and not sending them...let it out, then let it go. But grrr, I'm still mad!

[mfh]

fae, I think you handled all that so very well...for what it's worth. That was a tough situation and many of us have had those words spoken to us. And they are paralyzing...to some degree. We just don't expect them as we also do expect them.

As for your post being mostly about you...that is ever so appropriate...that is why we are here. So glad you purged some of that anger into letters...it helps doesn't it? I do it sometimes by telling Bentley my pain. He listens well and does not say insensitive (though perhaps well intentioned) things

I just got home from art group (Local Color). Our instructor was there tonight so it was a 3 hour meeting. She taught for an hour (shadows and ) then critiqued....I had 3 paintings and she is loving one of them (a work in progress). She and I work together (just the two of us) also. But I have to push myself to paint, I fear. When this is done I will post it. It is loaded with pain...another outlet for me. Most of the people in my group do not paint feelings...and I always feel a bit self conscious but tonight one of the women said she wanted to pain more from the inside out so I was glad to hear that. Then I also had two flowers and the group was wondering how I got the light in one of them and I have no clue. Everyone has at least 3 paintings and we were all there tonight so we had about 25 critiques...fun but tiring as it is so educational. Brains are trying to get it all. My living room/dining room is a sea of tarps and plastic over the remaining furniture and floors. I am in the midst of utter chaos...every room is affected but I have surrendered to it.. .I think the lr/dr will be done by Friday and I can get order in those spaces which creates order in Bill's office/guest room also as it is all stuffed in there. Tired...pj and tea time and catch up on the news out of Boston.

I honor what you did today, fae.

Mary

[kayc]

Mary, your painting group sounds wonderful. How cathargic!

fae, I am going through my own trial, and as angry as I felt on your behalf, I feel on mine tonight. It is so hard working where I do! I've been dealing with an employee's recent on-job claim from last May that she just filed. I somehow knew I would get blamed for anything/everything on it and sure enough, I did. I get so tired of being the whipping boy! I've handled everything in the best way possible and my boss snapped at me tonight and told me he's worried about getting sued because of what I wrote to (employee). I was shocked! The email merely said (her supervisor) said she needed to file an on-job claim, and I am sending you a form to fill out and return to me. Thanks! Now, what in that, could get someone sued? Sometimes I really hate working there. I am in a sticky position because he wants it to go through but she's supplied inconsistencies, etc. and has a degenerative issue going on that's well documented by her doctors, plus date issues. I've tried to get him to understand that SHE supplied the dates, etc., I supply the backup documentation (wages, time, etc.) and it's up to the work comp DOCTORS to determine the outcome, not him, not her, not me.

Then too, he dumped a mortgage application on my lap for me to fill out for him today. He didn't answer any of my questions or stick around for information supply, just left me with it...pages and pages, and pages. I filled it out, going on line and into files to gather all of the necessary information, turned it in, spoke to the loan officer, supplied her with backup documentation and wrote a letter to her that she requested. I did all of this without anything from him. The loan officer told me she wished she had someone who could supply all of that information on her the way I did on him! It made me feel validated, something I haven't had in the six years I've worked there. Not a grunt or thanks from him. Never.

I know we need to let go of it all when people like this upset us. But sometimes it takes me a while to quit fuming first.

[feralfae]

Dear Kay,

Fume on!

Go outside and throw snowballs at a tree if you have snow.

I don't think I will hear from the SIL again. My reply was a model of decorum, but underneath, it was a message that I expected my grief and loss to be as valid as hers. She, like many in the family, usually point to the fact that Doug and I were "only" together for ten years, and she was married to her husband for almost 40. I do not think years grant seniority or anything like that. Love is love, whether a year or 50 years.

Kay, I wish you could find a closer, better job. The things you relate at your office would put any of the people in my office on a war path, I am sure. I hope you can find a better job in a better place soon. You are just too smart, conscientious, and good to have that sort of treatment. Not that I think any human should be treated that way, but you are a sensitive and open person, and so I imagine it gets to you at a deeper level than a less aware person. Are there any other lessons you need to learn prior to rescuing yourself from that boss?

How is Arlie? I'll go check the 4-legged thread (does anyone else see images of windows with wagging tails and four legs? I am smiling.)

*<winkles>*

fae

[mfh]

Kay, yes, painting with this group is cathartic and fun. We laugh a lot. And throwing Helen, our instructor into the mix, makes the evening just great. I sometimes feel too tired to go but always am glad I push myself a bit.

As for your work situation, I remember when I first came on here well over 2 years ago, that you were job hunting because I think your hours had been cut. I remember how difficult it was to find a job then and I doubt it if that has changed so I would imagine you feel sort of trapped there. I am just so sorry your boss is so incapable (or unwililng?) to treat you and probably everyone like human beings. How I admire how you work around him and not allow him to determine the quality of your work....I fear my patience would have run out a long time ago but then...there is the mortgage that must be paid so one does not leap out of a job without having secured another. I am sorry...you do NOT deserve that. No one does.

Mary

[mfh]

fae, I am so with you on the number of years people are together. Bill and I were married going on 25 years but friends/colleagues/waiting to be together long before that...a total of 38 years that we were "together". I think of those here and elsewhere who married at perhaps 20 and married 50 years and it seems sometimes that this would be a bigger loss as an entire adult life was spent with that person but then there are those of us who married later and hoped forever for that perfect person...and that is just another kind of loss not to be compared. As Marty said somewhere here yesterday. ...we just can not compare. A year, 5 years, 25 years, 50 years....they are all huge losses. Your SIL and Kay's boss seems oblivious to people and compassion and gentleness. So glad you handled it so well.

Mary

[enna]

Our theme here seems to be about TIME. I am a firm believer that time cannot be measured. It just is. I keep thinking about that when I think of all of our loved ones who are not walking this earth with us right now. Our idea of time can only be understood as we see it here on earth but I believe that time does not exist in the hereafter (whatever that is to each one of us). Minutes, seconds, hours, days, weeks, etc are only our way of calculating time passing. Our loved ones are waiting for us. I believe this. Whether we have lost an animal, a child, a soul mate, anyone whom we were connected with in this life will somehow touch us when it is our turn to pass over. I know we are all hurting and struggling to go on with our lives. I know that my love for Jim was as unique as anyone elses love for whomever they lost. I know I will learn to live a 'new' life and that I have to go through this time just as so many of you have already done. I did not find this forum until a few months after Jim died. I think it was meant for me to find it. Caring people have gently nudged me on and I appreciate having this place to help me through my time moments whether they be in darkness or glimmers of light. I believe that the earth is our guide. If we ever stop to really see a flower or look at the waves of the ocean or watch a lemon grow on a tree or a baby laugh at anything we would be better for it.

As so many have said in their own words we are a tribe of compassionate, loving, caring people and we will get through this pain because we are not alone. I am learning to sit and be still. When I can't do that then you will find me on Pinterest pinning. Anne

[mfh]

Anne, I am so glad you are sitting still. When I was meditating this morning for some reason you popped into my mind and I heard you saying, "I can't sit still." Now you are saying you are learning to sit and be still. Today for my meditation 1 I opted to do some visual mindfulness...watching the tall arbor vitae that surrounds my back yard sway in the wind; the raindrops (yes, rain bordering on snow) hit the windows; a bird on the clothesline deciding which way to fly next; clouds moving across the sky; the fire in front of me warming the room as flames danced about; and more. I so wanted that quiet and silence for you and I open this up and there you are saying you are being still. I do see your pins also...the flowers and dogs and horses....all cheerful.

Painters are not here yet. They do not get an early start as I am used to contractors doing. Usually they are here at 7am (we have dealt with lots of them over the years)...these folks arrive somewhere between 9 and 10 which I like as I have quiet time but which also drags out the process. I finally got the colors figured out...sometimes I think they are so faintly different that I wonder why I am doing all this except in the bathroom where the geese have gone to geese heaven and the walls will be a light taupe. The kitchen a linen with a hint of green. I have green 50s tile around the sink and counters...a strange color but one that people like. I had that one narrowed down to 2 and then Ray the painter painted one stretch with each color and next to the cabinets and the one I liked better than my friend the color guru took on an entirely different color that was awful. She was right. I was wrong. ...and the lr/dr a soft cream after several attempts at others. I hope the lr/dr will be done by Friday and I will spend the weekend putting it back together. Monday they will tear my kitchen apart and bathroom. The latter is no big deal.

Yes, this group of caring people carry each other through the labyrinth and we will all meet in the center where peace is found...utter peace.

This came in my email today:

short but powerful.

Peace, Mary

[feralfae]

Journaling

The world is obscured by snow this morning. I have fires in both levels of the house, because FabFlue came out yesterday and swept both. The one in the great room was almost entirely blocked, and needs a new chimney top, which the sweep is going to install next week.

Last night, I had a very striking dream that we were visiting some of Doug's family. Lots of people were there, all drinking and arguing, and Doug just kept gathering up our things and was very happy and laughing, but preparing to leave soon. Then I noticed some of the men were setting their own house and some fences on fire, and the cars were in danger of being set afire, and exploding. No one else seemed to notice. I kept begging Doug to hide, but he just kept packing and laughing. We were leaving. We were leaving them all behind. Pretty clear message. I sure wish I knew where I am going to land, but I guess I will know when it is time.

I had a very unrealistic expectation that I could somehow make these people understand and have some compassion, but it is not a helpful expectation. I have had a hundred times the love and compassion from people here in HOV than I have had from Doug's birth family. But they were a connection to Doug. I had to have time to recognize that it was a toxic connection, as my counselor called it.

Now I am sorting people for my own emotional health and well-being according to their compassion and open hearts, as also suggested by my grief counselor. It is a new way of looking at people for me. I know I have been overly compassionate most of my life. I know it is time to take care of me. I am 66 years old, and have been doing human rights work since I was in my teens, besides teaching at a couple of universities. It is time to turn away from saving the world, and maybe help fewer people, individually.

Radical concept for me, as I imagine it is for many of you: to turn and focus on knowing, appreciating, loving, and caring for one's self. Many of us were caregivers for years of illness. We held ourselves together by willpower while we held up our beloved, taking on the nursing, feeding, and protecting them from the ravages of illness, and sometimes from the mistakes of medical people, too. For me it was 38 months. For some here, it was much longer. I admire and am amazed at us all.

I know how much love that level of selflessness takes. Also how much energy it takes. I wonder if we will learn the moves and emotional direction to turn our love and compassion, our protectiveness and caring, toward ourselves, as fully as we must, to heal from those years of being outside of ourselves. I know I am still finding my way back, even after 14 months. But I also recognize that I do not have the energy yet for much more than I am doing now. And some days I still wake up exhausted.

I wish I knew better how to cleanse my mind of these squirrel cages of family discord that seem to scurry about as my mind looks for solutions, or better ways to communicate with those people. I guess they are talking in a language I do not know. Just as well.

I was going to be in the office today, but I am thinking with all this snow, I will stay here and enjoy the snow, rather than fighting it, and I can wash my hair, and do some self-care things today. Somehow, I know all the papers will still be on my desk tomorrow.

Taxes are done. Checks are signed. Maybe I will go back to my old habit from my days at NU, when I always took off Wednesdays, never scheduled classes or conferences on Wednesdays. A day for myself.

Kay, I hope you can at least begin to check out any jobs closer to your home. I agree with Mary that of course you cannot jump, but often, the conscious intention will cause the Universe open doors where only walls existed, to paraphrase Joseph Campbell.

You must be spending a fortune every week on commuting. I know things are going to work out for you. You deserve and will have so much better.

Wow! It is really snowing now, big flakes, swirling in the wind. I filled the bird feeders this morning, and the birds are flocking in to feed: pygmy, red- and white-breasted nuthatches; red crossbills in red, orange and yellow plumage; red-shafter flickers; hairy and downy woodpeckers; house finches; mountain and black-capped chickadees; and occasionally, the forest sharp-shinned hawk hunting the finches. Not feeding, perched huddled in the trees, are mountain bluebirds and a Townsend's solitaire. That's all the birds I have seen since I started typing this.

I am thinking of you and Arlie, Kay and hoping you are both happy and well.

Mary, I am thinking of you there is your disassembled home, with the promise of new colors and new arrangements of things before you.

Dear Anne, I hope your heart is healing even through this sad and painful time of so many memories.

Jan, I think of you over there, with your little ones and your garden, and I hope you are finding peace and solace this day.

There are so many firsts, so many anniversaries for us to negotiate. I am glad we are here together to help each other to ease the way on this journey.

fae

[mfh]

fae, Your dream does not surprise you or me. As for where you will land, as you say...you will know when you arrive. I am journeying now for over 3 years and am still unclear of the path...but don't worry much about it now. The trees will part eventually and reveal the next step. You say you wake exhausted...I think we can all relate to that...and see it as a red flag that reads: slow down, Mary. Just slow down. Go meditate. I often meditate more than twice a day and frankly I feel sometimes like I meditate all day long...lately. I totally lost all that and am slowly seeing a meditative state return some of the time. When I was without a dishwasher for a week I found myself doing mindfulness doing the dishes. Understand that I do NOT like doing dishes. I even "saved" some dirty ones the day before the DW came "to test it out"!

[feralfae]

Oh, Mary, thank you!

What a beautiful video on Impermanence.

How peaceful and filling that was.

I feel restored in some way.

I am not laughing at you saving the dishes: I HATE doing dishes. Almost any other household chore is okay, even dusting, but washing dishes is just not my thing. Mostly, I would cook and Doug would clean up after meals, although we usually were both in the kitchen for preparation, and cleaning, just visiting.

I am exhausted again. Yesterday was a long office day, with the sweeps at the house, running around in town, and just lots to do.

Thank you for your presence, your insights, and your loving spirit.

Yes, I will know when and where to land when the day arrives, for sure. I have almost stopped regarding the illusion of control as anything but an illusion. I am mostly breathing, trying to figure things out within myself more, and in others a lot less.

fae

[mfh]

fae, me thinks your exhausted body is telling you to get some rest! ya think? take a lesson from someone who ignored that call.

I must admit to hating ALL housework. Bill and I did it together...reluctantly because we liked a clean house but housework bores me and one keeps doing the same things over and over. Come to think of it, I am never bored in life even now except with housework. Hence my gal that helps me twice a month both because my body needs that help but also because I HATE housework. Bill and I cooked together also and cleaned up together. I miss that. Now cooking for me is mostly a chore..not always but way too frequently it feels like work.

The painter just stopped by to tell me he was running late...back in 20 min. but I know it will be an hour. He said he would paint the second coat on the lr/dr ceiling and I asked if that space would be done by Friday. He then asked me if I have the colors finalized and I do so he will then be off to Madtown to get paint this afternoon. I will be off to Costco to return my hearing aid remote loaner as I finally found mine today quite by accident...saving me $150 but mostly feeling good about finding it...in the pocket of a pair of cords I was just about to put in the washing machine and that I had hung on a hook in the closet for some reason. Good feeling to find it.

[kayc]

There are no local jobs, nearest city is 50 miles away...where I work. There seems to be nothing except part time, low paying, temp jobs. I have a friend who couldn't take the stress of her job and quit w/o another one in hand...she's single. I could not understand her doing that for the life of me, no matter how bad it got! She can't get unempl. and the Fed tax refund she'd been banking on did not materialize. School loans nabbed it up, even though she'd been making payments to them. Nope, can't be so fool-hearty, I wouldn't want to lose my home!

My boss clearly came to work in a bad mood yesterday, I shouldn't let him affect me. Alas, I wish there was a place to meditate at work! I'd camp out in the bathroom but I'm sure they'd notice (there's only one).

I never minded housework, maybe because it IS mindless, so it seems a break from my job. Even now, I do the cleaning at work because it gives me a chance to clear my brain and it's a different activity. What I don't like is the PRESUMPTION that people have that I should do it, because it isn't part of my job description and they could just as easily scrub a toilet or do their own dishes once in a while. Ahh well, what does it matter except that get paid.

Mary, so glad you found your hearing aid remote! None of us need extra bills!

[feralfae]

It was a good day to stay home.

Thank you all for being here, and I will come back to that after I

Journal:

I decided to sort and pack fabrics today, and sewing and project stuff that I had not seen in four years and more. Once Doug was sick, I did not make any more things, or even run the sewing machine. Today, sorting fabrics, I started finding some things we had begun together. Doug was good at sewing, too.

I cried to think of these unfinished projects. I looked at some designs that I may do yet one day. The rules of "three years in the closet? then toss it!" just does not work for those of us who are coming back from years of having our lives on hold. I decided that no matter where I land, I am taking these cherished projects along with me. If I end up going to live in the Bush or some place archaeologically compelling, I will have something to do, and fabric to share. Doug used to say, when I started packing, to take everything with us to Alaska, because it was paid for and the shipping was a lot cheaper than buying stuff there. Very true.

I still don't know when or where, of course, but at least I am feeling confident enough to know I can MAKE IT and land on my feet, even if my balance is a bit wobbly. And I am not packing the buttons, mending things, or threads yet, just projects I know I won't get to any time soon. They can be for in ten years.

I go to forage for rice and maybe a couple of scrambled eggs. I am feeling better.

More after dinner. I just wanted to write this down, the shift from tears, to fears, to thinking, to a bit more solid ground. It felt good to come out of the tears and end up smiling at my trust in Me.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[enna]

Hello Fae, I am sending healing to you as you fight being under the weather. Many this year have fought that flu bug that is going around. I think that all my years in hospitals and classrooms I can not pick up anything!! My biggest fear is those shopping carts in the stores!! After being around kids for four decades there just isn't anyhing I can catch. Besides I learned the trick - wash those hands.

I am glad that you are taking your sewing things with you where ever you end up. I have saved all of Jim's ties and I hope to make a wall hanging out of them when I start up at our arts & crafts shop here in Pebble Creek. I have also decided to create my own afcan with some of his shirts & pj bottoms that he wore.

It is good for us to focus on lighter thoughts at times. I find myself walking away from sad thoughts so they don't consume me.

This is just my opinion but I truly believe that Benji came to me through my Jim. He is a real light in my darkness. And he is really funny too. I think he understands 'people' language!

Keep trusting in yourself. I believe that I am my most important person. Anne

[kayc]

That reminds me of George and I upholstering cushions to sleep on for our trailer. He'd worked in upholstery for 11 years before he got into welding fabrication...a fact I had forgotten. I started on this project and he started horning in on it, until I asked him if he wanted to do it. I wasn't looking to make it perfect and don't claim to be an upholsterer...and we didn't have the equipment for that anyway, I just wanted to cover the cushions and be done with it. Now I wish I'd listened more and let him be more a part of it. But I still remember laying the pieces out on the bed together, measuring and cutting. (sigh) How I wish he was still here.