A Journey In A New Culture

[Trishia]

My life is forever changed. I am in culture shock and forced on a new journey that never ends. My heart is broken and I feel so very alone.

My youngest son Jonathan died in a tragic car accident in May 2010, the day before Mother’s day. He had already bought me my chocolates (I found them scattered on the side of the road) and asked his brother to pick up the card. I remember very clearly the last time I saw him alive. His good friend, the driver of the car, lost control of the car and by driver error went into the path of a SUV and they both died instantly. They weren’t drinking, using cell phones or speeding, they were wearing seatbelts. For reasons unknown to us they veered off the road slightly and when his friend tried to get back on the road (there was a lip on the road) he lost control.

My pain is deep and I feel alone in this journey. I do not have family to turn to for support, my church community found this trauma difficult as well and didn’t know how to walk this journey with me. It takes a special group of people to understand this experience is a journey not something to get over.

Jonathan is my youngest and my other 2 children are no longer at home and are out of my area due to school and marriage. I was thrown into being an empty nester too soon and before I was ready.

I do not have the stamina to attend groups in the evening since I started back to work so that doesn’t help the feeling of aloneness. I wish that someone in my church community would have had the strength and time to walk with me in this journey. I needed people to reach out to me. I hope that this forum will help a little to see that I am not alone and that I can talk to people who understand.

[feralfae]

Dear Trishia,

I cannot imagine the grief you must feel at such an unexpected and terrible loss. I am so sorry you have lost Jonathan.

Yes, I think you will find others here who are on the same journey, so please do check in and share here often.

Have you considered a grief counselor? I don't know where you are, or if it is feasible, but it might help.

I know others will have more help to offer. I wish you were here, because I would give you a hug and some tea or coffee, and just sit with you, hold your hand, and give you a box of tissues, so you could share what your heart needs to speak today. Each day, I have found, is another day of sorrow, healing, loss, and hope. It all gets very mixed up. I do know tears are healing, and that talking about the loss and shock, the grief and loneliness really helps. This is the best place I have found for emotional support, validation, and compassion.

I send you condolences, much sympathy, a lot of caring, and lots of love, and some {{{hugs}}} too. I guess it is good you are not here, since I have flu, but at least I can send love, sympathy, and caring, and let you know that here, in this place, I think you will find some healing for your heart. This is a wonderful place of much compassion and love.

I lost my wonderful and magnificent husband Doug almost a year ago, and I find each day filled with such a chaos of emotions that I have learned to simply dive in and swim through them, rather than trying to cram them back into some place where I don't need to deal with them. I think learning to dive in has saved me from a lot more pain, actually. A babel of thoughts swirl through my mind, and I try to stand back and observe, rather than trying to fight or understand it all. I've learned not to take my confusion too seriously, but just to watch it, knowing it will settle down after the emotions are released. It helps.

Please know that I will hold you in my heart, and I hope you can make it through this day with at last one good thing to cherish and celebrate, even if only a beautiful leaf or the flight of a bird.

Come back often, and let us know how you are doing. This is not an easy journey we are on, but it is easier when we share it with each other. And you are so right that this is a journey.

I am so glad you have found this place and the wonderful people who are here, caring and sharing. I hope you find the support and companionship we all cherish and share here.

Blessings, Much Love, and *<twinkles>* and more {{{hugs}}}

feralfae

[kayc]

Trishia,

I am so sorry for your loss, I can't imagine how hard that must be. You don't mention if you have a husband to go through this journey with or not. I lost my husband nearly 8 years ago, and I wish my friends and church had stepped up to the plate a bit too but unfortunately, death is offputting to people and they avoid those with a loss just when the need them most. I've told myself I'm glad they don't understand because I wouldn't want them to go through what I have in order to understand.

How old was your son? How sweet that he had bought you chocolates...it helps to see those things after they die. I found a list in my husband's wallet of things he wanted to buy for different people, some of those things I ran across and was able to get to them, it meant a lot to them, even though he was gone, that he'd been thinking of them.

A bereavement counselor might help you as you go through this journey, and we are here too. Feel free to express yourself here, it helps to get it out.

I am just so sorry.

[AnnC]

I'm so sorry for your loss. My brother also died in a car crash, on August 24th. Not quite six months ago. He veered off the road for unknown reasons (maybe passing out or falling asleep) and hit the big exit sign at 60 mph. He was killed on impact.

The autopsy showed nothing in his system -- no medications or alcohol or anything that would impair his driving. He didn't even have his phone so he wasn't talking or texting. But he had been working 12 hour days, and had had some bad days at work (which he most likely tossed and turned with worrying during the night), so he was probably exhausted. He had driven 3 hours by the time he crashed. Also it was mid-afternoon and the M.E. said he had recently eaten. That's why we think he fell asleep. It's frightening that only falling asleep for a very few seconds can have fatal consequences. I'm still nervous whenever I drive on the freeway.

I know that feeling of going to the crash site (where you said you found the chocolates.) I felt I had to go, I live closer to it than the rest of the family. I walked it and walked it, picking up anything I could find. I found his burned extra pair of shoes and some tools that were in his glove compartment, and a partially burned Rand McNally road map book. The car had burst into flames, though he was pulled from the car by other drivers and they attempted to resuscitate him but without success.

I guess it's part of what grief therapists call "searching behavior" -- we are looking for our lost love one. Looking for something, anything, that tells us what happened, why it happened.

My brother was 15 years younger than I am, and I took care of him a lot as an infant and toddler. I never had children, so he was the closest I had to a child. He was only 44, and left a teenaged daughter.

These are such tragedies and they do change your life forever. And although I also have support from friends and my Compassionate Friends group, still, I think we each travel our grief journey essentially alone. But this web site is also of great help, we are always here to "listen".

[kayc]

Ann,

That is really tough. My brother is 15 years younger than me too so I know what you mean, I took care of him a lot when he was a baby and toddler.