nakirk19 Posted February 3, 2013 Report Share Posted February 3, 2013 I lost my beloved husband & soulmate Dec. 17th 2012. We were married 17 yrs this coming March 14th. I am trying to keep busy, as that is the only way I feel I can get through my days. This is the first time I have posted anything but I wanted you all to know that just reading some of the posts in this forum has been of tremendous comfort to me. To not feel so alone in my feelings has been of enormous help. I cannot talk of my husband with friends yet without breaking down, so this forum gives me the chance to express how completely lost I feel without him. His diagnosis of cancer came out of the blue after a heart attack. We got through that only to be slapped with the cancer a couple of weeks later. It was very aggressive and he was gone within 2 months at age 59yrs. (he had only had 1 chemo treatment). In his last 2 months his only concern seemed to be me and how I was going to cope. You see, I was not understanding how I survived a brain aneurysm after 4 months in & out of hospital only for my husband to be taken from me 5 short years later. My Tom helped me with this by stating "Please don't be angry with God, He gave me another 5 years with you!" That sums up my beloved husband, his glass was always half FULL. I miss him terribly. I am very grateful for the time I had with him, I truly am, though it was not nearly long enough. I know we will be together again one day in heaven, but I can't help thinking it's not going to happen soon enough. I prayed hard in Church today that I be given the strength I need to get through this overwhelming sense of grief. Just to write these words down has helped. You are all so kind in your responses to others, thank you for listening! Nicole Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LarrysGirl Posted February 3, 2013 Report Share Posted February 3, 2013 Nicole, hi and welcome. I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband, I know it is very hard. This is where you can share, cry, scream and find support from those who completely understand your pain. Keeping busy is how many of us cope. Make sure to take care of yourself, rest often and take it slow. The others on this site are a wonderful source of help and will listen. I hope you will continue to share with us. Deborah Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted February 3, 2013 Report Share Posted February 3, 2013 Dear Nicole, I am just so sorry for your loss. And I am so glad you found the forum as I KNOW you will find support and love here. We all know, in this forum, the excruciating pain you feel because we have all been and are in your shoes. This is, indeed, a good place to share your pain, vent, listen to what others have learned on this path and just know you are cared about and understood. We are not afraid of tears, anger, pain, etc. It was months before I could talk about Bill (my husband who died almost 3 years ago) to anyone without tears. Most of my friends became comfortable with them and hugged me a lot. Some people will be there for you and others will be unable to be there though they wish they could. I still find myself crying when I talk about him on occasion. Allowing yourself to have your pain and your tears is important. Burying that pain just means it will eventually come back. It is best to own it now. I know it is gut wrenching. I wailed a lot in the early days. We will all support you here. You will most likely learn, as we all are and have learned, to take one day, sometimes one hour at a time. Take care of yourself as grief is very exhausting and you most likely are already exhausted. Do not miss Marty's site (she is the moderator) www.griefhealing.com There are many helpful articles there. All solid information. Do come back often to post or read or ask for input. Peace to your heart, Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nakirk19 Posted February 3, 2013 Author Report Share Posted February 3, 2013 Deborah, thank you for responding, I will continue to share. God bless, Nicole Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nakirk19 Posted February 3, 2013 Author Report Share Posted February 3, 2013 Mary, I am grateful for your advice and will allow my tears to flow as I have been holding them in. You are correct, it's exhausting! I am heading to Marty's site now. Thank You. Nicole Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted February 3, 2013 Report Share Posted February 3, 2013 Nicole, tears are a part of how we heal. I am glad you will honor them. They are a sign of the deep love you have for your husband. Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted February 4, 2013 Report Share Posted February 4, 2013 Nicole, I am so sorry you lost your husband too. My husband died of a heart attack right after his 51st birthday...we hadn't been aware he had heart trouble. It must have been tremendously hard for you to go through with it all happening so fast and right before Christmas. You can come here any time and talk to us about your feelings, we've all been there. It is hard for friends to understand when they haven't been through it, it doesn't mean they don't care, but sometimes they don't know how to respond. No matter how long we have together, it's never enough. You are right, you will be with him again, and it probably won't seem soon enough. It took me a while but I finally learned I could reach inside of me for George and draw from his encouragement and love and strength. I know he's rooting for me even though I can't see him. Blessings and peace to you, Kay Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted February 4, 2013 Report Share Posted February 4, 2013 Hello Nicole, I I am so very sorry that you lost your husband. So much tragedy in such a short period of time. This is a caring place for you to be. Your faith will help you as you continue on your journey. Here there is no judgment only listening ears and open hearts. Journey along with us and continue to express yourself. It does help us to share our grief. Peace, Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nakirk19 Posted February 4, 2013 Author Report Share Posted February 4, 2013 Thank you Kay for sharing your loss with me. I am starting to be aware that this grief I am feeling will not go away soon, nor is it abnormal. Just today alone I have learnt that. I work Monday through Friday, so the evenings & weekends are the worst. This forum will help me with that, so grateful I found it. Nicole Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nakirk19 Posted February 4, 2013 Author Report Share Posted February 4, 2013 Hi Anne, thank you for responding, it means alot. I believe this is going to be a healing place for me to be and for that I am very grateful. Time for me to try and sleep, it has not come easy since Tom's death, maybe tonight it will. God bless, Nicole Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wifflesnook Posted February 4, 2013 Report Share Posted February 4, 2013 Dear Nicole Welcome to this caring loving forum. My husband of fifty years died last May. I am struggling to live without him. I will never get over it but know I have to live on with the feeling that he is alongside me somehow. Please share all your feelings. It does help. Jan in the UK. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nakirk19 Posted February 4, 2013 Author Report Share Posted February 4, 2013 Hi Jan, thank you for your post. I too. believe Tom is right next to me, I find myself talking to him & asking his opinion all the time. I couldn't help but notice you are from the UK. I was born in the UK (am still a very British girl), but moved to the US 30 years ago. My family is very far away, but I talk with my Mum (my best friend) often. It is 6.30 am here now & I have to drag myself to work. Not much sleep last night, but I will carry on. Nicole Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted February 4, 2013 Report Share Posted February 4, 2013 Nicole, I remember those early days so well, you are right, sleep is hard, esp. at first. It will get better. I thanked God for my job when I lost George, they were all so wonderful and it occupied my time...they closed a few months later and my new job would not be as supportive, they're young and just wouldn't understand. It helps to schedule something on the weekends, it was always when I was alone and it was quiet that I had the hardest time. And of course, there's always this place! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted February 4, 2013 Report Share Posted February 4, 2013 Nicole, I agree with Kay...weekends tend to be the toughest. Everyone is with family or at events and tend to forget to include you. The weekends are also times when we spent the most time having fun with our beloveds...since most work during the week. So the combination makes for a tough time. I still dread Sundays but am getting better at dealing with them. Initially I was sort of beside myself on Sundays. Even taking a drive can help but doing something with a friend is a good distraction. Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Queeniemary Posted February 4, 2013 Report Share Posted February 4, 2013 Nichole, I am very sorry for your loss. You are in the very early stages, and I know how hard this is for you. I lost my husband Mike to a massive unexpected coronary at age 62, 3 years ago. My first few months are just a fog. I had just had surgery (total knee replacement), and was in the hospital when he died. All I can tell you is just to take it one step at a time, one second, one minute, one hour, and eventually time it will get easier. You won't stop grieving for or missing your Tom, you will just be able to deal with it better as time goes by. This is a wonderful caring forum. I found it about 3 months after Mike died, and have found such caring and support here. If you need to yell, then yell, scream, then scream, cry, then cry, no one will judge you here, we are all on the same journey, which we did not want to make. Praying for strength and peace for you. Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted February 5, 2013 Report Share Posted February 5, 2013 Dear Nichole, I cannot add much to what Mary has said above, and what so many others have said. This is a unique journey for each of us, but I have found that having a place where we are not judged for our feelings and thoughts, and where we can come to unburden our sadness, fears, anger, and profound sense of loss with others who teach us how to better be compassionate, understanding, patient, and empathetic to ourselves at this time is a wonderful blessings, and I am so glad you found this place to share with us on this journey. One of the best things someone told me was that I needed to become my own caregiver now, and treat myself with the love and compassion the most loving and tender Mother would give to her healing and recovering child. She said to become the best mother I could be to myself for at least a full turn of the seasons, and I think that has been a wonderful path for me to follow so far. I am so glad you are where with us. I have found that this is a great sanctuary for me for slowly sorting myself out. I pray for love to fill and heal all of you broken places, for your heart to heal and open when it is time, and for your tears to be a cleansing shower for your spirit. Blessings, *<twinkles>* feralfae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nakirk19 Posted February 5, 2013 Author Report Share Posted February 5, 2013 I have to tell you Mary & everyone who has taken the time to respond to my post, that I am so glad I found this place so soon. I had to downsize pretty quickly from a 3 bedroom house to a cute little 1 bed, one bath apartment. I struggled through that whole process (still have stuff in storage), but as tough as that was, coming home to this empty apartment every evening is worse.I had to keep some of Toms clothes and accessories, wedding ring, watch, belt buckle e.t.c. I really don't have the room, but just couldn't bare to part with them. In a frenzy I donated most of his clothes to Goodwill, now I find myself looking at strangers that are wearing similar clothing to Tom & wondering if they might be his.Is this normal? Boy, I still have along way to go! Thanks again everyone for listening to my ramblings. God bless, I've added all HOV Forum participants to my prayers at night. Nicole Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pumkin Posted February 5, 2013 Report Share Posted February 5, 2013 Dear Nicole, Welcome to this wonderful place where you will always find acceptance. You'll be able to pour out your heart to us, because we all know what you are feeling and going through. I am truly sorry for your very recent loss of your husband and soul mate, Tom. I lost my Marco five months ago to a massive heart attack. This is a very special place and I'm so glad you found us. This forum surrounds all of us with love and understanding. I feel so safe here. Again, welcome. Pumkin Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wifflesnook Posted February 5, 2013 Report Share Posted February 5, 2013 Dear Nicole Yes I live in the UK, in Yorkshire in the north of England. I'm so glad we found this wonderful place full of like minded people. We are all suffering deep grief which I have come to understand will always be with us, but sharing does seem to help us to live through it however inadequately. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted February 5, 2013 Report Share Posted February 5, 2013 Nicole, Yes, it's normal. Two weeks after George passed, his closet rod broke...I took that as a sign I was supposed to do something with his clothes. I boxed them up and gave them to Sponsors, an organization that helps former inmates with their reentry into society. Many of these guys get out with only the clothes on their backs so they appreciate any help they can get. I knew that was where George would want his things put to use as he was always helping the down and outers. I kept his fishing vest and hat, and a few of the things that reminded me most of him. A few months later, my daughter was helping some of these men organize their new household (grocery lists, cleaning, etc.) and I dropped in on her...out came a young man wearing my George's bathrobe! I have to tell you it set me back for a minute, but I still knew it's what George would have wanted...it just caught me off guard. I can laugh about it now but at the time, it was tough. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annette85035 Posted February 13, 2013 Report Share Posted February 13, 2013 It helps so much being able to share here..not only for yourself,but you find you can help others as well...sometimes though,we just don't know what to say-but letting others know you're listening is sometimes the only thing that can help Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted February 13, 2013 Report Share Posted February 13, 2013 So true! It helps to feel heard. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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