Moving, Relocating

[c90709]

We lost our 16 year old daughter Dec.14, 2012 in a traffic accident 2 blocks from our home she was driving alone. We are talking about moving because my wife can't drive by the intersection and does not feel comfortable in the home. Does anyone have any advice on the subject of moving. Would this be a good, bad, or to soon. Would we regret a move later down the road. Any advice would be helpful.

Thanks

[kayc]

I lost my husband but not a child...I've heard people say not to make major changes in the first year because when you're so newly grieving, you aren't in your right state of mind (I know I wasn't), but for something like this, I can sure understand and think whatever you do to make life more palatable, you should. Are you and your wife seeing a bereavement counselor? If not, it could be of tremendous help. It's hard saying if you'd regret moving, but you'd have to remember that you did what was in your best interest at the time...unfortunately we can't hit an "undo" button once it's done.

Anyone else have ideas on this?

[mfh]

I am so very sorry for your tragic loss. Losing a child is so very difficult. I wonder if the two of you been a part of any support groups or counseling. This is not a decision you want to just jump into and I would suggest you get in touch with a local grief counselor (perhaps through your local Hospice center) or a grief support group or counselor perhaps through a local chapter of Compassionate Friends ( www.compassionatefriends.org ) and sort some of the pieces out so that you do not end up deciding prematurely and are then sorry.

Others here will share ideas also. I am so very sorry for your loss.

Peace

Mary

[MartyT]

My friend, my heart hurts for you as I read of the tragic death of your precious daughter. I am so sorry.

You've asked for advice about moving: good, bad, too soon, something you'll come to regret later?

You know yourself and your wife better than anyone, so in the end this is a decision that belongs only to the two of you, especially since you are the ones who must live with the consequences of your decision. I can only share with you what experience has taught me, over many years of walking with and learning from other bereaved individuals.

It usually is wise to avoid making hasty decisions, especially in matters of such consequence as moving. If you and your wife feel compelled to make a quick decision to move, I offer this tried and useful rule of thumb: Make no major decisions for at least six to twelve months after this death, until you've experienced all the seasons of your emotions. This accident happened barely two months ago, and I would expect that at this point, you're both still in a state of shock, barely able to believe (much less able to make any sense out of) what has happened to you. You and your wife are extremely raw and vulnerable right now, and not in the best frame of mind to be making major decisions, such as moving.

I encourage you to focus on caring for yourselves right now, by following the suggestions such as those you've been given by our members, Kay and Mary. If making decisions is unavoidable, get the best advice you can find, from others who are more objective and not emotionally affected by this horrific tragedy in your lives. Until you're emotionally able to make decisions you won't regret later, try making ones that are reversible. For example, if you simply must get out of your house, consider renting out your home rather than selling it, or staying some place else for a while to see if it makes any difference. I can tell you, though, that even if you do move away, you won't be able to leave your grief behind. It goes with you no matter where you go.

I invite you to read this article, which I hope you will find helpful: When A Child Dies: Resources for Bereaved Parents.

[feralfae]

Dear Friend,

I am so very sorry to hear about the loss of your daughter. My heart goes out to you. Sudden losses seem to me to be such a trauma to the entire sense of our being.

When we lost our twin boys years and years ago, we started to sell the house and move away from all the memories and hopes. Our dear priest talked us into renting a house in another town for a year, close enough so that it did not involve either of us needing to leave the university where we both were teaching. He found the house for us, actually, and helped us to move.

We leased our closer-to-campus house to a visiting professor and his family, and we moved into a smaller place about 20 miles away, where everything was a bit cramped, but as (first husband) David said, "it does not feel empty" and so we stayed there for more than a year, then when our home was vacant, we redecorated a lot before we moved back in (the nursery was ready for the twin boys, you see, and they did not live long enough to come home from the hospital).

That year away from everything, with time to focus on our own loss and sorrow and to get counseling and not be confronted with so many changes that we needed to make at home, really helped us. We gained some peace and comfort. It was a lot easier to accept and adjust, and to get through the shock and trauma, than if we had tried to do it all at once. I am so happy we did not sell our home. We raised our girls there, and had years and years of happy memories with them, and with friends for dinner parties and wonderful evenings and teas before David became ill. I am so glad we waited.

It is not easy to look at empty rooms and feel the emptiness around us, but there are other options than selling or moving. I hope you have someone to help you sit with and move through your loss and grief. There is no way to avoid the journey of grief, but there are many ways to make it a bit easier. Sharing here can be a Godsend. And we will be here to lift you up and be with you when you need our love and support.

I hope you have a good grief counselor. Hospice facilities in your community will have trained, helpful people who can assist you in sorting things out emotionally, and help you to look at your options, find ways to cope, and stand with you while you work on making some decisions.

I hold you both in my heart, and in my prayers.

Blessings, Much Love and

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

Fae's idea is wonderful! Have you thought of renting out your home and taking a rental yourselves for a time? That way if you wish you were back in it, you can still do so.

[c90709]

I would like to thank each an everyone for there words of support and prayers. Our faith is solid and have a small church family that is helping us through our grieving process. My heart is with you all also. As you know and as we are finding out there are no words to easy the pain. I thank you all for sharing your experience. All of the ideas will be something to concider. I've been talking to my wife about coming to this site to see and to share but i've been unsuccesful. i don't know if our loss is still hard for her to share.

[mfh]

Dear c90709, You are quite welcome. I know these days are incredibly difficult and all of us here who are grieving our losses have learned or are learning to take one day at a time and accept our grief... I now you and your wife would benefit from being a part of this group and hope that happens if it is right for either or both of you.

Peace

Mary

[Alma's Mom]

My husband and I lost our daughter Alma at four and a half months due to a genetic problem. While she was sick we talked about if she passes away we would leave this area that we lived behind. We knew we should not make drastic changes during our grieving process. After Alma died my husband's dad bought us tickets to Hawaii to visit family. We agreed that we were not going to move, but while on our trip I was offered a job. Things fell into place and the move felt right. It feels like a different world we left behind. The change was good for us. We left things back home in a way that we could return if we changed our minds. It has been 5 years and we are feeling more at home in our new location. We still keep in close contact with friends for support back home who knew Alma. I could not live in the same place or home that we lost her in. All the best for your decisions.

Take care, Hilary

[kayc]

Hilary,

I'm sorry for your loss. You were wise to make a "temporary move", making it possible to change your mind, and I'm glad it has worked out for you in the long run.

[Greta]

I sold a house because of bad memories, too quickly and rather carelessly. I simply stayed in a motel for months and months relishing the simplicity of a suitcase. I simply ran.

Planning is essential, and impossible at this moment. My heart goes out to you.

Greta

[KATPILOT]

c90709,

There is one thing that I have learned going through this sad journey and that is that decisions rarely need to be made quickly.

I felt the urge to act on things right away and sadly, some of them turned out wrong later on down the road. Emotions can cloud judgement and grief is the most intense emotion I have ever experienced. I know that when I entered grief counselling, I learned that.

When I lost kathy, we had just moved into a second home in Calgary as her parents lived there and we needed to be up a lot to help them. Kathy went so suddenly that I didn't know how to deal with that house. I ended up giving it to her sister and all of the contents because it wasn't mine. We didn't use my money so I didn't care. Later I realized how much of Kathy I lost up there. I didn't think that what was mine was hers and what was hers was mine. I would have wanted Kathy to have what was bought with my money if I had been the one to pass and I am sure that she would have felt the same. The point I am trying to make is how bad decisions can be made when you are emotionally compromised. I hope the best for both of you. I watched Kathy's parents trying to deal with her loss and I felt their pain inside my own soul. It is never easy

Stephen

[mbkubitz]

I don't know if this will help you, but I'll share our experience and decision on moving. Our 4-year old daughter drowned in our pool in the fall of 2009. In those early weeks and months, we were too busy just trying to survive and take care of our other children to even consider moving. However, seeing that pool every day was definitely difficult for me to say the least. I became obsessed with looking at it whenever I was by the window next to it to make sure no one was in it. When we finally did start to think about whether to move, there were other factors we had to consider: losing money on it, leaving the only house she ever lived in, uprooting our family when everyone told us that our surviving kids needed stability and no big changes. These reasons, along with the fact that selling a house and moving is stressful in the best of circumstances, we chose to stay. It was not until over two years later that we finally decided to move, and ended up leaving the house 2-1/2 years after she died. I have no regrets moving, and I do not miss that house at all. But I'm personally glad we waited until our grief was not so overwhelming as it was during those first two years. I think it would have been really difficult to deal with moving on top of the intense grief.

Take care! Maria

[MartyT]

Maria, my dear, I am so sorry to learn of the tragic death of your precious daughter ~ and grateful to you for sharing your story here with us. Clearly when it came to moving, you made a wise decision that took into account the needs of your entire family. I cannot imagine how difficult this has been for all of you. I wish for you peace and healing ♥