I Lied. I'm Not Handing Dad's Death Very Good After All

[LisaAnnB]

I was so proud of myself for getting a handle on my grief over Dad's death a couple months ago. But lately I'm mired down in deep sadness. Lots of tears every night & even at random times such as driving home. Music really sets me off-Dad & Mom loved it. My Mom is still alive but temporarily living with my sisters in Texas until we can decide what to do with her when she gets back north-she has dementia that is progressing quickly. I was a total Dad's girl & he was one of my best friends.

I live less than an hour from Mom & Dad; have always lived within a couple hours so I could be in the state in case they needed me since the rest of my sisters live in Texas or Iowa. Even when Mom & Dad would spend winters in Texas I never was sad like this. #1. I knew they would both be back in March. #2 I had both of them. Now I have 1 left & sometimes with Moms' dementia it's like I don't have her either.

My grief is all consuming the last few weeks & I HATE IT! I"m a 40-something woman who needs her parents & I really thought I'd be stronger than I am. I hide it all the time, even from my husband, so I don't worry him. And I have to hide it even from close friends because I actually had one tell me to "snap out of it & go get some happy pills. It's been 3 months already. Can't you be more positive?"

So guess what? I'm going to go see a doctor & ask for some damn happy pills to make everyone else happy. They won't even let me talk about him because they don't understand it & they think it makes me sad. Yes, I AM SAD. I lost my friggin Father & I have these great memories that I can't even share out loud! A year ago on Valentine's Day I lost my best friend & yes I'm sad about that too. They don't know that every night I go in to take a shower because it's a nice safe place to cry loudly & then come out & smile for everyone since that's what "they" expect to see. I have to admit that as hard as that is to do but I"m probably depressed-something I've never allowed myself to be. Here I thought I was doing so good-oops. I'm hurt & sad & even angry [but not sure why] & I just want them back.

[feralfae]

Dear LisaAnn B,

I am so sorry to hear about your Dad's death. The loss of a parent can be a terrible blow, and can cause a lot of deep grief and sadness. It is difficult for many people to understand when we do not want to stuff our feelings, I think.

I am glad you found this place. People here will hold you in their love, and give you a safe and compassionate meeting place to share your journey.

Grief and depression can look a lot alike. I think anger is a normal part of grieving, too. And with grief, I think we just must go through it and come out on the other side. There are so many wonderful people here to be with you on this journey. I am relatively new here, having lost my husband a year ago. But I want to hold out a hand to you, offer you some comfort, let you know you are not alone on this journey, and that we will be here with you as you walk this healing path of loss, sadness, and human sorrow.

I hold you in my heart, and send you much love.

*<blessings>*

feralfae

[kayc]

Please let your doctor know you are grieving as opposed to depression, it can make a difference in what he prescribes. I think it's therapeutic to talk about our loved one rather than pretending it didn't happen and everything's "fine". People don't seem to understand it actually HELPS us to talk about them rather than pretend they never existed. We want to know that others remember and value them too.

[LisaAnnB]

So, how do I know if it's just grief or depression? I can't believe that in all the crap I've gone through in my life where I SHOULD have become depressed & didn't but THIS knocks me on my behind.......If tears are good for cleaning out the soul then my body should be very clean by now. I can't even post on here without tearing up. And with the progression of Mom's dementia I'm afraid it might get worse.

[annette85035]

WHen my husband died back in feb 1994 I had to take one second at a time to get by..those seconds turned to minutes,hours,days etc and you see how much time has passed,but I still miss him more each day. But time does pass and you have to get by as what your loved one would have wanted.

[MartyT]

Lisa Ann, you've asked, "How do I know if it's just grief or depression?" You may find these articles helpful:

Seeing a Specialist in Grief Counseling: Does It Matter?

Interview, Are We Medicating Normal Grief? (including the Related Articles listed at the foot of this one)

[kayc]

Lisa Ann,

I'm going through the dementia thing too, with my mother. That in itself is a lot to deal with, without the added grief you are experiencing. It's no wonder you are feeling like you are! I think my mom's Dementia is one of the biggest stresses I've ever had to deal with, and I wasn't particularly close to her even! The fact is, a parent is a parent, good or bad, and it still hits hard when we go through the changes associated with losing one of them or seeing them no longer in their faculties.

Thank you, Marty, for posting these helpful links! When George died, my doctor offered me antidepressants and I turned them down. In retrospect, I wish I had considered an aid to help me through this. My feeling was that it was situational and I thought it would be temporary in duration, thinking I could rebuild my life. However, George's death was permanent and I hadn't anticipated how difficult it would be to get used to the changes in my life wrought by his death. I still do not take antidepressants, but it could be that it might have helped me had I taken them temporarily. I would not want something that messed with my brain in a permanent fashion, however, as I think we need to look for other solutions to help us through this...counseling being one, time another. While I don't think time is a cure, it is certainly a big factor as it takes time to process everything and discover for ourselves what we are going to fill our lives with, what is our purpose going to become, what is our life going to look like. Time and understanding, the great gifts we can allot ourselves in dealing with our grief.

[LisaAnnB]

Thank you Marty & KayC & annette. I do understand that it might be hard for my friends-they're used to me being one way & then suddenly I've changed & they've never experienced a death of a parent. I don't think I've necessarily changed for the worse-I do feel more compassion towards those I know who are going through this too & utter gratitude for the people who have been kind to me or my family during this time. I write a weekly article for our local newspaper for the arts council/art gallery I run & I mentioned my parents a lot [they were wonderful inspiration]. A couple weeks ago I wrote my normal article & didn't realize that I had mentioned them again [hadn't since Dad's passing]. One of my regular guests/acquaintance came in to the gallery the day after the article ran & gave me a HUGE hug-she'd known about Dad & Mom & said it felt good to her to read about my Dad again. I also got a call that night from some friends of theirs who live here & they started crying on the phone because they remembered & had forgotten the thing I wrote about.

I know everyone's grief story & timeline is different & I hope like you said KayC that it is just a situational depression or grief. I can't continue like this. For one thing I can't afford the kleenex.

[kayc]

(((LisaAnnB)))

[feralfae]

Dear Marty, thank you for those links to articles on grief and depression. Very helpful. Your writing is so clear, and resonates with me deeply, thank you. Your writing is compassionate, clear, and caring. So wonderful!

One of my other very helpful resources have been the books and workbooks of Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt whom you mention. I bought several of his books to give to friends as well.

I feel so especially blessed to have found this place after a year of looking. Just on time, of course.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[LisaAnnB]

I agree Fae, I've come to look to Marty first for advice & guidance. I would be worse off than I am if it wasn't for her.

Last night after I got my crying out in the shower, I went down & told my husband all that I've been feeling lately. He held me & let me sob or & then yell for over an hour. He lost his Dad 25 yrs ago so he's had experience with it & now has lost my Dad who became a surrogate father to him so i felt so bad for making him sad again. He was furious at our friend who told me to get over it & is worried about medications since his ex wife became addicted & suicidal from ani depressants but he supports my going to the dr. & wants me to tell him more. He also knows that I am my Father's daughter & keep silent probably when I shouldn't.

I had trouble sleeping last night & must have been crying again because my pillow was wet. But I swear I could hear, very clearly, a little girl say "She's so sad, Daddy. Look at her tears. You need to dry them for her." and felt something on my cheek. Could have been a dream & just myself wiping them myself. But my sister died 2 years before I was born, when she was 4, & I've always felt we've had this magical connection. I've also heard that same voice & same thing "She's sad." during the day after I've gotten off the phone with Mom. "Mommy's really sad now Dad. You have to make her better." Insane?

[kayc]

No, I wouldn't say insane, it sounds like you have a connection with her on a spirit level, that is so special! I think it's because you are aware and open, most of us are to repressed and closed to have stuff like that happen to us.

[babbent514]

Dear Lisa Ann,I feel your pain My dad just passed away 6 months after my Mom did and I still can"t handle the grief.