Blindsided By Grief A Month Late (?)

[chirpingcrickets]

Hello.

I lost my mother after a month long ICU stay and a drawn out illness on January 13 of this year. At that time, I cried a bit, and thought that I was grieving naturally, until yesterday.

Yesterday I woke up, and almost immediately started crying, wailing at times, for her. I wanted to call her. I wanted to tell her I was uncertain about myself so that she could tell me she was sure. I wanted to call her and tell that I loved her and needed her even if I had often brushed off her advice. I cried off and on for almost 12 hours, then tried desperately for sleep. I ended up with 4 fitful, sweaty hours and here I am again. Crying for her. Missing her.

We had a tumultuous relationship as mothers and daughters sometimes can, but in the end, I think she knows I loved her. I hope. As I write that now, I wonder if I judged her too harshly or ever made her feel like a burden. I wonder if she really felt my love. At her services, a few of her close friends made it a point to tell me that even though my mom and I had our ups and downs, she loved me very much and was extremely proud of the woman I'd become. I feel terrible thinking that they even knew about our troubles, and that they felt the need to say this. Had I caused her great pain that she had only divulged to them?

All of this and so much more swirls around in my head. It has been just over a month since her passing and I think I JUST started grieving yesterday. I read online a bit about delays in grieving, but found articles mostly about people grieving YEARS later. It's weird to think you are fine, and have done the worst of your crying, only to start up again with more intensity than ever before 1 month later. I think wanting to call her yesterday triggered this giant avalanche of emotion.

I've reached out to a couple of friends, but have had trouble speaking about it - literally can't make the words (thank you text messaging!). They try to help and tell me i am not bothering them, but can't help but feel crazy being such a puddle all of a sudden after a few weeks of seeming ok. My dad and brother are far away, but we talk frequently. I feel bad reaching out to them to support me, because I know they are dealing with their own loss and trying to be strong. I think I was acting like them; strong front for the outside world to see. Funny thing grief - it will find its way to the surface I guess.

I needed a space like this to say I miss my mom, and I'm suffering. I'm scared I won't get back to good or find a good job, but I am trying to control my thoughts. Marty, I read the article you linked this morning about choosing our thoughts and I think it will certainly apply here as I try to pull my exploded life back together.

Thanks for listening.

~Cricket

[kayc]

Cricket,

I am sorry you lost your mom and all of the pain you are going through. I am 60 and I have a 30 year old daughter. I tried to be the best mom I could, and she's acknowledged that, but she hasn't had much to do with the family since she was 18 and of course it hurts and I miss her and wish she wanted me in her life more. We don't argue, it's just I don't seem to be important to her.

I want you to know that there is no rift that a mother can't love beyond. I love my daughter more than anything and am so proud of the woman she has become. She is beautiful, delightful and has the best personality of anyone I've ever met! She's compassionate and sweet and funny. She's a devoted wife and would make a wonderful mother someday, as she's very gifted with children. She marches to the beat of her own drum. In the past I have seen her potential and wanted so much for her...but now I see her choices are her own and I am proud of the ones she's made.

Your mother loves you like that, I'm sure. Although she can't physically be here to hold you or can't audibly tell you what she wants...it's still there. I hope you know that you carry her with you always. She's made an indelible stamp on you and you make her smile, just as my daughter does me.

It is okay to share your grief with your dad and brother...who knows but perhaps it helps them to be more comfortable with their own feelings and know they aren't alone in them.

[MartyT]

Cricket, my dear, in addition to the wise words Kay has shared with you, I want to add that what you're experiencing is well within the normal limits of grieving. You see, when we lose someone who's played a significant role in our lives, someone as unique as our mother (we only get one in our entire life, after all!), the initial reaction usually is blunted by numbness and disbelief ~ nature's way to cushion the blow, if you will. This is not like turning off a light switch: one day your mother was here, the next day she was gone forever from your life. Grief is not a single event; it is a process, and it takes time (actually, a lifetime) for us to adjust to a life in which our loved one no longer exists, at least in the physical sense. It is not at all uncommon that weeks and even months after the death has happened, we are hit with the full force of the reality of our loss ~ It is a feeling not unlike being hit by a truck! And losing your mom involves many secondary losses as well ~ such as not being able to call her on the phone when you feel a need for her motherly advice and reassurance ~ which you will experience every time you bump into the reality that your mom is no longer here. Those moments will become easier to bear each time they happen (because over time you simply learn that such moments do not kill you, and if you survived an earlier moment like this, you know that you can and will survive this one too).

I invite you to read an article I wrote for Self-Healing Expressions ~ and do take time to read through all the comments added to the article, as I think doing so will help you to fell less alone: Mother Loss: When Will the Crying Stop?

See also this piece, which may help you to better understand what may be going on with your dad and brother: Understanding Different Mourning Patterns In Your Family

When time, you may find these articles helpful to read as well:

Parent Loss: Continuing Their Song

Guilt In the Wake of a Parent's Death

Helping a Grieving Parent

[chirpingcrickets]

Thank you Marty & Kay.

Kay, thank you for your perspective. You actually echo some of the things she used to tell me when you describe your daughter. Makes me miss her in a "good" way.

~C

[kayc]

I was hoping you'd see that correlation because when you wrote about her, it reminded me of me and my daughter...and I would never want my daughter to hurt or cry, let alone over me. Consider yourself "mother hugged".

[chirpingcrickets]

Thank you - and keep calling your daughter! I'm so glad my mom never gave up on me when we had our differences, or when seemingly long periods with no contact would occur. I don't know where I would be. My relationship with her was the most complex relationship of my life, but I wouldn't trade it.

[kayc]

I think it can be with mothers and daughters. It's been twelve years now and I'm just as perplexed, we were close when she was growing up, did everything together, so it's been really hard knowing she doesn't call me to do lunch and I wasn't allowed to help her pick out a wedding dress or any of the usual Mother/Daughter things. I wonder sometimes if she'll miss me when I'm gone.

[babbent514]

I'm so sorry to hear about your Mom.I lost my Mom Jan 21,2012.I miss her so much and I still pick the the phone to call her.So much I want to tell her and talk about.It's still so very hard to think of her not being here.

[chirpingcrickets]

Kay,

I do not need to know any details about you or your daughter to say, without a doubt, that your daughter will miss you when you are gone.

I felt sort-of "emotionally imprisoned" by my mother for most of my adolescence and adulthood. I felt this start to lift with her death, almost even felt good, like relief, for a moment. Since then, I have been strong for those around me (and myself - I've never been comfortable expressing my need for others - had some trouble in relationships, but I've vowed to try harder now), but something has happened in the past few days, leaving me in despair, and a shell of myself. I've been in pain and with no idea how to alleviate it. I've been desperate, grasping at straws, trying to do whatever healthy things I can think of to help ease this unfamiliar (and intense) hurt. Tears come, out of my control, flowing like lava slow and steady and unstoppable - a force of nature.

I didn't think I'd miss my mom this much. Never in my life did I anticipate this pain. I lost my sweet canine best friend about a year and a half ago, and I was sure that was the worst pain I'd ever feel, but boy, was I wrong. The pain of losing my dog crippled me at times: no voice, no air, face swollen and me too shy to show anyone my swollen eyelids and puffy face.

Lately, I've realized that no matter what I will always yearn for my mother - even if she wasn't always "perfect". Who is? I'm an adult now with an adult set of problems and responsibilities, and finally realize and appreciate that she raised me the best way she knew how. In an argument years ago, I remember her telling me that "there's no instruction manual on how to raise kids". I do not have any kids of my own, but I can see what she meant by this now that I am older and see my friends with their children. Maybe I will get to give being a mom a shot someday, too. Anyway, I realize and fully believe she did the best she could.

I pulled away from my mother during times in my life when I wasn't doing so great, and didn't want to disappoint her. I numbed pain with drugs for years (no more), and was ashamed to tell her. I wasted years this way. I wouldn't pick up her calls when using and certainly wasn't picking up the phone to call her. I don't think she ever knew that I was struggling in this way, so I feel like she was probably "perplexed" the way you say you are. She probably thought the worst. Call your daughter - or send her a card. Make sure she doesn't need you. Tell her she can tell you anything. Tell her you will help her without judgement. My mom would have done this if she could have imagined the pain I felt and my need to numb out but she never knew. I put a strong face forward to everyone including her.

Deep down through all of this, I see that the primal yearning has never gone away. I've had it stored inside since my first breath. I imagine being one moment part of her, in her womb, and then suddenly, on the outside. I imagine the first feeling a baby ever feels is yearning for ones mother in those seconds before being placed into her arms. I think it's our first emotion (perhaps after love), and it never goes away.We all still want our moms to hold us and keep us warm and to feel their love. It's literally in the deepest, oldest place in our hearts.

If this seems scattered I apologize, but that's how my thoughts are right now. After reading your post yesterday, there was so much going through my mind, some of which I don't think there are words. Just wanted to share with you the words I could find. I wanted to give you a "daughter hug"

Babben - ever feel this way? Sending you hugs as well...

~Cricket

[kayc]

Cricket,

My guess is your mom DID know but it was beyond her control to do anything about it. My son has wondered about my daughter maybe not wanting any of us to see how she lives, and that may have been true when she was 18 but I don't think so now but I could be wrong. I have gone way above and beyond to show my daughter I'm here for her and love her unconditionally and have always had open communication with her but she just chooses life without any of us. At his point all I can do is love her anyway and respect her wishes. I will always wish it was different and I hope she doesn't write a similar post someday about missing her mother. Ahh that people could only realize how fleeting this life is of ours! There's no way in the world that I could have known in June 2005 that it would be my last time on Earth with my husband, but life is like that, it takes turns and bends and doesn't give warning signs.

You will always miss your mom but it won't remain in the same level of intensity that it is right now...we couldn't bear it if it stayed that way. Little by little we adjust and get used to our new "life without". It's not what we would choose, but it is what is.

I think when we have kids of our own it does help us to be more understanding of our parents and the fact that many times we are winging it as we face the challenges of raising our kids. I hope you are blessed to have children someday, it is the best thing anyone can experience! I wouldn't have traded it for the world, and my greatest accomplishment is being these kids' mom.