chirpingcrickets Posted February 19, 2013 Report Share Posted February 19, 2013 Hello. I lost my mother after a month long ICU stay and a drawn out illness on January 13 of this year. At that time, I cried a bit, and thought that I was grieving naturally, until yesterday. Yesterday I woke up, and almost immediately started crying, wailing at times, for her. I wanted to call her. I wanted to tell her I was uncertain about myself so that she could tell me she was sure. I wanted to call her and tell that I loved her and needed her even if I had often brushed off her advice. I cried off and on for almost 12 hours, then tried desperately for sleep. I ended up with 4 fitful, sweaty hours and here I am again. Crying for her. Missing her. We had a tumultuous relationship as mothers and daughters sometimes can, but in the end, I think she knows I loved her. I hope. As I write that now, I wonder if I judged her too harshly or ever made her feel like a burden. I wonder if she really felt my love. At her services, a few of her close friends made it a point to tell me that even though my mom and I had our ups and downs, she loved me very much and was extremely proud of the woman I'd become. I feel terrible thinking that they even knew about our troubles, and that they felt the need to say this. Had I caused her great pain that she had only divulged to them? All of this and so much more swirls around in my head. It has been just over a month since her passing and I think I JUST started grieving yesterday. I read online a bit about delays in grieving, but found articles mostly about people grieving YEARS later. It's weird to think you are fine, and have done the worst of your crying, only to start up again with more intensity than ever before 1 month later. I think wanting to call her yesterday triggered this giant avalanche of emotion. I've reached out to a couple of friends, but have had trouble speaking about it - literally can't make the words (thank you text messaging!). They try to help and tell me i am not bothering them, but can't help but feel crazy being such a puddle all of a sudden after a few weeks of seeming ok. My dad and brother are far away, but we talk frequently. I feel bad reaching out to them to support me, because I know they are dealing with their own loss and trying to be strong. I think I was acting like them; strong front for the outside world to see. Funny thing grief - it will find its way to the surface I guess. I needed a space like this to say I miss my mom, and I'm suffering. I'm scared I won't get back to good or find a good job, but I am trying to control my thoughts. Marty, I read the article you linked this morning about choosing our thoughts and I think it will certainly apply here as I try to pull my exploded life back together. Thanks for listening. ~Cricket Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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