ShanN Posted February 20, 2013 Report Share Posted February 20, 2013 Tonight it's just really suddenly hit me so hard that in one day short of 6wks on April 1st, it will be 24 yrs since my Mom's murder. And I mean its hitting me hard, so deeply. I'm sobbing. How ridiculous is that?! I think what set it off was my therapist checking in on me and telling me she set up a Mass at the church here in town for April 1st honoring my Mom. I mean who has a therapist that does this every year AND goes to it too? She is amazing. But it just hit me. And it's just so difficult to express in words the immense hurt, sadness, fear, and grief. It's more profound than any other year. And that has been the case with each passing year. These tears won't stop, no matter how hard I try to distract myself, or listen to soothing meditations, or writing, or watching a movie, or trying to "fake it to make it". It's like a floodgate has suddenly opened up with endless overflowing pain. I thought tears were supposed to cleanse the heart. Why do these tears hurt so immensely? My Mom was THE most important person in my life. She was my whole world. My everything, to infinity and beyond. And my stepfather so cruely stole her from me. With one bullet. It absolutely broke me if my Mom was ever sad or in pain. To the point where the 10yrs of abuse and rape he inflicted upon me didn't much matter compared to the hurt he caused her for yrs. And then watching him shoot her... I don't know what that felt like for her, other than she was gone in a matter of seconds... So why am I so pained by the little suffering she had from that? I would give ANYTHING to have her back, but I also thank god that she was gone in a matter of seconds. But her beautiful head and face he destroyed. I so wanted to take that bullet for her. I so wanted to save her and protect her. I've done so much writing, about her. To her. But it's always unfinished. It always comes down to how I loved her beyond anything and my heart can't take the pain that evil monster did to her. Please forgive my lengthy post. And the mood of it. I'm just so shattered tonight with yet another dose of reality. And this sobbing is not a release. It genuinely hurts so bad. It will be 24 yrs. Yet the grief is so raw at certain times. And I will be 40 on April 18th. She was only 41 when he killed her. She's been gone 9more yrs than I had her. But I thank god for the 15yrs I had with her. It just hurts so bad... If you read this far, thank you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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