ShanN Posted February 20, 2013 Report Posted February 20, 2013 Tonight it's just really suddenly hit me so hard that in one day short of 6wks on April 1st, it will be 24 yrs since my Mom's murder. And I mean its hitting me hard, so deeply. I'm sobbing. How ridiculous is that?! I think what set it off was my therapist checking in on me and telling me she set up a Mass at the church here in town for April 1st honoring my Mom. I mean who has a therapist that does this every year AND goes to it too? She is amazing. But it just hit me. And it's just so difficult to express in words the immense hurt, sadness, fear, and grief. It's more profound than any other year. And that has been the case with each passing year. These tears won't stop, no matter how hard I try to distract myself, or listen to soothing meditations, or writing, or watching a movie, or trying to "fake it to make it". It's like a floodgate has suddenly opened up with endless overflowing pain. I thought tears were supposed to cleanse the heart. Why do these tears hurt so immensely? My Mom was THE most important person in my life. She was my whole world. My everything, to infinity and beyond. And my stepfather so cruely stole her from me. With one bullet. It absolutely broke me if my Mom was ever sad or in pain. To the point where the 10yrs of abuse and rape he inflicted upon me didn't much matter compared to the hurt he caused her for yrs. And then watching him shoot her... I don't know what that felt like for her, other than she was gone in a matter of seconds... So why am I so pained by the little suffering she had from that? I would give ANYTHING to have her back, but I also thank god that she was gone in a matter of seconds. But her beautiful head and face he destroyed. I so wanted to take that bullet for her. I so wanted to save her and protect her. I've done so much writing, about her. To her. But it's always unfinished. It always comes down to how I loved her beyond anything and my heart can't take the pain that evil monster did to her. Please forgive my lengthy post. And the mood of it. I'm just so shattered tonight with yet another dose of reality. And this sobbing is not a release. It genuinely hurts so bad. It will be 24 yrs. Yet the grief is so raw at certain times. And I will be 40 on April 18th. She was only 41 when he killed her. She's been gone 9more yrs than I had her. But I thank god for the 15yrs I had with her. It just hurts so bad... If you read this far, thank you.
mfh Posted February 20, 2013 Report Posted February 20, 2013 Shannon, It is not ridiculous at all...it is your Mom and a violent death when you were young. It is NOT ridiculous to mourn your loss and her death and you are particularly vulnerable right now with all that is going on with your husband and your health. Your therapist sounds like a compassionate human being. Good for her. You are in my thoughts and prayers, Mary
ShanN Posted February 20, 2013 Author Report Posted February 20, 2013 After a few hrs of literally sobbing, I do feel a sense of release. But I'm trying to just not think... Or it will all start up again. It may anyway. I have to take whatever flows I guess. I'm extremely wiped out. Laying down hoping to just fall asleep. Tears or no tears.
kayc Posted February 20, 2013 Report Posted February 20, 2013 I am thankful you have such a caring therapist. When your mom was ripped away from you, you were a child, and your sobs are from that child. Someone needs to comfort that child...you can be that someone. Tell her what she needs to hear, that it wasn't her fault, that her mom still loves her and wants to hold her, that her mom is out of her hell and one day you'll be together again. You must be exhausted from crying, I hope that exhaustion brings the needed sleep. (((hugs)))
enna Posted February 20, 2013 Report Posted February 20, 2013 Dear Shannon, I believe that one day the writings you are doing that you say are 'unfinished' will be finished. You will find a way. The trauma of your mother's violent death will always be with you and the tears that you say 'hurt so immensely' will find a place way back in your mind because you will find happier things to focus on. You are so young. My wish for you is to feel the hugs we all send you. We can't take your pain away but we can tell you that you are not alone and we are here to listen.
kayc Posted February 20, 2013 Report Posted February 20, 2013 Perhaps one day you can write a book...it might take all of your life to complete, but it would serve to let others know they are not alone in their life trauma. For today, I hope you are resting.
ShanN Posted February 20, 2013 Author Report Posted February 20, 2013 My therapist is actually compiling all my writings and eventually would like to make a book about what he put me through and what he did to my Mother. I got more sleep last night than I have for quite some time. Going to the dr in a few. Hospital follow up. Then visiting my husband.
kayc Posted February 20, 2013 Report Posted February 20, 2013 That's a full day! I'm so glad you slept last night, I hope all goes well today.
ShanN Posted February 21, 2013 Author Report Posted February 21, 2013 I'm back home. The tear fest started back up leaving the hospital after visiting Leo. I'm sobbing again tonight. Leo will be coming home in a couple days. But the case manager is arranging for daily help from a visiting nurse. So he will not come home until that is all set up. The earliest would be Friday. But im getting the feeling not until next week. I have been enthralled in caring for Leo for so long, that I've been alone now and all the grief for my Mom's death is really hitting home again. I'm going to phone a dear friend who I've known for 20yrs but lives in Ohio... But he is always there for me... A very best friend. Then I'm hoping to sleep soon.
mfh Posted February 21, 2013 Report Posted February 21, 2013 So glad you have so,Rome to talk with. You are tired and you have had your own illness and Leo 's to carry. It makes so,much sense that other issues surface especially one you are working on in therapy. I hope you sleep tonight. Peace, Mary
kayc Posted February 21, 2013 Report Posted February 21, 2013 I'm glad you'll have help caring for Leo. I hope your weekend proves restful and your talk with your friend is of help to you.
ShanN Posted February 21, 2013 Author Report Posted February 21, 2013 I had an unplanned session with my therapist and my psychiatrist. Grieving for my Mom has totally got a hold of me. It's like if I don't have my husband here to take care of... Then the grief comes gushing out. I was put on a higher dose of my Klonopin and Depakote and Lexapro. And both my therapist and my dr said its ok to let the grief come. It's ok to let others care for Leo right now. Ya know, it's just so hard. I felt, feel, responsible for my Mom's happiness or lack there of, and I'm the reason he killed her. I've always taken care of Leo. Always. It's MY job... Isn't it? It's just hard. But hearing my therapist and my dr validate my grief for my Mom... And that it's ok to let others partake in Leo's care... Was hard to hear, but I'm trying to believe them. That is my Mom in my profile pic.
enna Posted February 21, 2013 Report Posted February 21, 2013 Hello Shannon, Your Mom's picture is beautiful. I am so glad that when Leo does come home you will have help caring for him. It is too much for you to do on your own. Tears are good, Shannon. I cry almost everyday thinking about my Jim. It is alright. We need to give ourselves permission to release those tears. I am glad that you are working with your therapist. This is so necessary when children or anyone has gone through such trauma as you have. My prayer for you while you are going through your therapy is that you come to realize that it is not your fault for anything your father did. You are not responsible. Remember, baby steps. Experiencing ups and down will come. Flood gates will open and that is good. Cry freely and withour shame. There will be good people who can take care of Leo right now. Let them. You are in my heart. Anne
feralfae Posted February 21, 2013 Report Posted February 21, 2013 Dear Shannon, Oh, your mother has a beautiful smile! What a wonderful image of her to carry in your heart! I am so sorry you are feeling so much pain, but I think it is healthy that you are honoring your feelings, crying, and letting yourself release the grief, no matter if it has been 24 hours or 24 years. Letting the pain come out, and flow from your body on the stream of tears, is one of the best things you can do for your hurting heart. And, if I may suggest: ~Drink water, and you might want to add some emergen-c to it to help with your electrolyte balance. ~Be sure you are having one or two pieces of fresh fruit each day. Best fruits are such things as organic blueberries, cherries, strawberries, and also Granny Smith apples. The berries and cherries, especially, have lots of phytonutrients to help your body to heal and become more healthy. ~While you have someone there to care for Leo, make caring appointments with yourself to read, relax, take a walk, do something just for you. ~Take at least a half an hour each day for quiet time, meditation, prayer, just being with yourself. It will help to restore you for the demands of the day. If you can, do several sessions of 10-30 minutes. Even a one-minute break of stillness and peace can help. ~And, always remember, dear Shannon, that you are not on this journey alone. We are all here for you. ~I hold you in my heart and send loving thoughts and lots of {{{hugs}}}your way, dear one. *<twinkles>* fae
mfh Posted February 22, 2013 Report Posted February 22, 2013 Shannon, Your mom is lovely...I am so sorry that you lost her when you were so young. I do not think she was shot because of you. She was shot because your stepfather has serious mental health issues. You have no responsibility here...and I hope soon you can arrive at the same conclusion. I know your mom would want that for you also. All moms want their kids to be at peace and happy and she is no exception just because she is on the other side of death's veil. It sounds like you have two great supportive people in your therapist and MD. Now the challenge that lies in front of you is to mother yourself as your mom would do if she were here physically. Grieve her death...cry your tears...love yourself and get rest and sleep. Peace to you, Mary
feralfae Posted February 22, 2013 Report Posted February 22, 2013 Dear Mary, Thank you for that note to Shannon. Even I could feel your loving and healing energy pouring through your message. You are a wonderful healer. Shannon, ditto from me. *<twinkles>* fae
mfh Posted February 22, 2013 Report Posted February 22, 2013 Thank you, fae. I hope your day of healing and tears was what you hoped for. I am about to take some time also,as I have been a bit too busy this week and the price tag is high...leaving me in a not so great space...time to regroup...I wish you a weekend with peaceful moments. Mary
babbent514 Posted March 5, 2013 Report Posted March 5, 2013 I'm so sorry for your lose.I lost my Mom a year ago and it feels like it was just yesterday.I still pick up the phone to call her.She was my rock ,my everything.She was always there for me.I miss talking to her.I miss just hanging out with her.I cry all the time.Still having dreams almost every night.Everyone keeps telling me I need to move on but they don't understand how I am feeling inside.I'm so lost here without her.I have so much i want to tell her and talk about.I do talk to her all the time but I would love to hear her voice again,see her face and feel hers arms around me again.I'm trying to take one day at a time.Some days are better then others and then some are really bad ones when i can't even get out of bed.But I know i have too.I miss her so much.
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