Lost My Husband Of 33 Years

[cindylt]

He lost his fight to live on Feb 1, 1013, after being in the hospital for two months. He was sick for months prior to that, but we did not know what was wrong with him, even with much testing. He could not eat, because he had sores in his mouth, and he started losing weight, at first it wasn't too noticible, but after a few months, we knew something was wrong with him. We went through this with him all of last spring and summer and into fall. He had some bioposies done on his throat in early Oct, didn't show anything, but they kept the cultures, to let them "grow". He went from being able to drive the few days before Thanksgiving to relatives, to me having to drive him home, and get him admitted in the hospital the next day. A few days after being in the hospital, tests results came back from his throat cultures a month prior, that he had a rather uncommon fungal infection, histoplasmosis (an airborne fungal infection from bird droppings), he also had genectic hemochromatosis, iron overload in the liver.

The intial treatment of histoplasmosis, is a different antibiotic, very stong, and wasn't available in our home town. So my husband was transferred by ambulance Nov 30, to a bigger city, that could monitor him better and give him this antibiotic. Because his throat muscles were so weak, just after a few days, he aspirated, was blue, and had to have an emergency intubation, in CCU for more than a week.

He went in and out of ICU during Dec. and Jan. His liver was failing, and the histoplasmosis had dissemenated to every organ and part of his body. The doctors told me early in Dec that he was not going to make it, but I refused to give up on him, and believed in the power of prayers and miracles. There were so many times the doctors said in Dec,, it is just going to be a few hours or days for him. But we had him until Feb 1. He could not talk because of his intubation tube and towards the end his trach tube, but we managed conversing, even as difficult and frustrating it was for him much of the time. My poor husband, in all this time, could not have a sip of water, nothing by mouth, and he was so miserable at times just begging for a few ice chips, but he was such a good patient.

Between his liver failure and the histoplasmosis, going every where in his body, including the brain, it was hard on us at times, because his short term memory was gone, and we had to explain to him often, why he was in the hospital and what was happening to him. The day before Christmas, he begged to go home, for just 2 days, he even told me the doctor said he could (not). Unfortunately with his condition we had too many of these kinds of conversations. But there were so many times he would remember everything, so it was a weird up and down thing for us.

In all this time of him being in the hospital, I was staying in a motel room, a few minutes away. The morning of Feb 1, while I was in the shower, (my cell phone always being close), I hear my phone ring and I knew it was not good. Sure enough, his blood pressure was dropping dangerously low. Got to his hospital room, and their were nurses and staff all around him, my Mom and I went to into the room and some lady, nurse or whatever, that we had never seen, tried to not let me in the room, to tell me to step outside for a moment, I was confused, thinking of obeying her orders, but my mom stepped in and said, no she wants to be by his side, and she just brushed this woman aside (thank you Mom!). If I hadn't have gone in there, when this nurse was not wanting me to, I would not have been able to say hello or goodbye to my husband, he was a bit aware when I saw him, told him I loved him, he mouthed the same, but he was taken to the ER room after, and I was not able to talk to him again, as he was unconcious. Fortunately our son was able to make it up, and was with me. There is nothing worse, than watching those darn monitors, which we did. We were watching them closely and knew it wasn't good, along with him being unconsious, with us around him, the heart rate monitor bleeped and stopped, the worst moment of my life! I will never be the same.

My pain is so raw and new, sorry for the long post, but just needed to type it all out. Our son was with me to see his dad pass, but our daughter lives in another state, one of the worst phone calls I have ever had to make, to tell her, her Dad had passed.

I dont know how to deal with this grief. Their is more to me about this, but like so many others before me, I am sure, I am just lost and numb, I still do not believe he is gone.

[enna]

Dear Cindylt,

I am so very sorry that you lost your husband. His last months had to be so painful for you. All the hospital stuff can be so traumatic.

You have come to the right place. There are caring and understanding people here who listen. I am glad that you wrote down your thoughts and shared them with us. You are in shock and your journey has just begun. Know that you are not alone when you come here.

Good for your mom stepping in an making way for you to be with your husband those last minutes. What a gift that you have as a memory to say your good-byes to the one you love. You will need to take care of yourself right now. Eat, sleep, and be good to yourself for awhile and then your journey of grieving will come but only in small measures. We are protected like that otherwise it would be too overwhelming for us. We will be here for you. Peace, Anne

[feralfae]

Dear CindyIt,

This is no doubt the worst time of your life. I am so sorry you have lost your husband. As Anne said, those last days at the hospital, not knowing what was wrong for a month, and watching your dear husband become progressively worse is more stress than most people can bear.

Being able to say goodbye is a wonderful blessing. Now it is time to let others take care of you, to be as gentle and compassionate with yourself as you can be, and to take very good care of yourself each day with rest, healthy and healing foods, and sharing your grief with your family.

This is a good place to find solace and compassion. It is a safe place to pour out your pain and sorrow, to find solace in sharing with others here.

I am so sorry. I wish you did not need this place, but I am thankful you have found it, and know that you are not alone on this journey, and we are here to travel with you.

We are here for you. Peace and Blessings,

fae

[mfh]

Dear Cindy, I am sorry for all you and your husband had to go through these past months and for your loss. I won't repeat what Anne and fae advised but do re read their words and take care of yourself. There are no words that will comfort you but do know by choosing to join us here, you will be surrounded by people who understand what it means to lose a husband. We have all been and are on the journey to healing and though it is a journey unique to each of us we know the pain and emptiness everyone of us feels. I am almost three years into this journey and have found this site to be an essential part of my healing these past many months. You can come here anytime, day or night, to share and vent and be embraced and cared about. Be gentle with yourself and return often.

Peace

Mary

[Queeniemary]

Cindylt, so very sorry for your loss, and so sorry for all the months leading up to his death.

So very sorry that you had to join us on this journey that none of us wanted to make. I began this journey three years ago on January 13, 2010, when my husband died of a massive coronary.

This site has been a great deal of help to me. You are still in such early days, and if you are like I was, you will be living in a fog somewhat for a few months. Just take a step at a time, you cannot predict how you will feel at any point. They talk about stages of grief, but for me, I found that I just bounced all around them. Please try to eat, and get enough rest, that is the most important thing you must remember for these first few months, you will need strength to get through the days. Just conscentrate on one minute, one hour, one day at a time, and you will make. it. Those of us here on this site are proof of that.

Come here to vent, yell, cry, say anything you want, we have heard it all, and no one will judge you here. Because we do understand. Marty, the moderator of this site, is the best to keep us centered. Hoping for healing peace for you, and strength.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[nats]

Hello Cindyit,

We all feel your grief and emptiness...everyone here has been down that same path, in different ways of course but the end result being the same...your story as many have brought the waves of grief back to the front for me as I so remember those first few days and wish no one had to endure that feeling and experience...I seem to be more sensitive the last few days as I just past the 3 year point last week myself...you have found one of the best places to share and find the answers you will need in the days to come...everyone here truly understands what you are going thru unlike those around us who have never been down this path, they mean well but at times make things more difficult...here are some things I learned...take each day one day at a time at your own pace, rest and sleep when you can as the grief takes an enormous amount of energy, to this day I am better functioning with more rest than less since Ruth's passing...eat and keep your nutrition levels up our body needs the extra fuel during this time, at times you won't want to eat but that's OK, we now have a reason to snack, I prefer several small snacks or meals and one main meal per day...come here often as we have many wise members and a great moderator to guide us...know that we do survive even now as we feel a total wreak and see no light only darkness, as the days and nights pass we start to heal...cry as much as your heart desires it's an amazing natural healing function our wonderful creator gave us, I still cry many days as I'm sure many of us do...I pray the days ahead will be less painful for you and know we are here for you as it's already been said.

May Peace Be With You

[kayc]

Cindy,

I am so sorry you lost your husband. There are no words to adequately convey...I know how horrific it is because I lost my beloved husband suddenly and without warning...we didn't know until that weekend that he had heart trouble and I was away when he was admitted to the hospital for what would be the last couple of days of his life.

The pain you are in is very raw and it's almost numb like as shock sets in at first, it takes a while for reality to slowly sink in. You may doubt you can live through this, but you will...all of us here have been through it and we are the survivors. I am glad you had your mom and your son with you. My daughter was with me afterwards, my son was in the service and could only come home for a few days. It is undoubtedly the hardest thing you'll ever go through. Please continue to come here, this is a safe place where people understand. You will go through a lot in the upcoming months and here are people who have been through it and will take your hand as you traverse this journey. My heart goes out to you.

[LarrysGirl]

Cindy, I hope you will continue to come here and share with us, we know, we hurt and we will listen. All of us are on different stages of this journey and have so much insight and kindness to help you during this horrific time. I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband. Deborah

[cindylt]

Thank you all for your words of comfort and support. I know you all know how it is, tonight I just can't write anything, hurting too much tonight.

[feralfae]

Dear cindyIt,

Yes, we all understand. We will be watching for you here, and we are here when you need us. I lost my Doug a bit more than a year after a many year struggle with cancer.I feel blessed that we had time to talk, say goodbye, share more love, and that he was in my arms when he left. But my heart is empty, and there has not yet been a day without tears. The love makes it all worth it, but it takes time to be able to reconcile to the absence.

Things will feel foreign and empty for a while. Put off making any major decisions for a while. Just know that there are others here, walking unique paths through this same shadowed land, and that while we are each on our own path, we all share the sorrow of our broken hearts. We are slowly healing. When you need us, we will be here. Please go very gently with yourself, remember to drink water, eat healthy foods, and get lots of rest.

I hold you in my heart and prayers,

Blessings,

*<twinkles>*

fae

[melina]

Cindy,

I've been coming to this site for two and half years, after my husband unexpectedly died of lung cancer - he was a non-smoker. We were together 30 years and have four grown sons - all in the twenties. The memories of sitting at the hospital after being told he wasn't going to make it, staring at the monitor, crying and hugging my kids - all of that still haunts me.

It's a rough uphill climb to begin with, then things get a little more bearable after you realize you have to keep living without him, and figure out how to do that. Just after my husband died, I came here often. Now - just once in a while. I don't know many widows or widowers, not many people who have had to go through what I went through - but people in this forum have. They get it and will help you through as they helped me. You won't feel so alone.

The hardest part of grief - apart from the loneliness, and the guilt (I tend to dwell on guilt), has been witnessing my childrens' grief and knowing their father won't be here for all the good times and bad times ahead. I like to believe he's still with us in some way - following our lives and cheering us on.

I'm so deeply sorry for your loss - and I mean that. But hang in there, ride the waves and come here to share your thoughts and feelings.

Melina

[pumkin]

Welcome dear Cindy to this place that all of us lost souls have found for comfort. I have just been here since I lost my husband six months ago this week. So you see, we're all at different stages of loss. We're all here for you with Marty, our precious moderator, guiding all of us so gently. I am so very sorry for your lloss, but here, I didn't feel so all alone. Thank God your mother pushed through the nurses so you were able to say your goodbyes to each other. I found my husband lying in the driveway. He had a massive heart attack, so it was too late for me to say goodbye. I found comfort from everyone on this forum and you will too.

[cindylt]

Thank you everyone for your words of comfort and sympathy. I still can not believe this is my life now. Some moments I accept it, and other times, like today, I just sat, for some time, thinking, this really hasn't happened to me has it? I just can not get a grasp on it yet. I can not believe he won't be walking in the door after work, him changing from his work clothes, and us doing the routine together of feeding our dogs and cat. The poor dogs seem to be as confused as I am.

My emotions, I am sure they are all common, from sadness, to anger (from him leaving me), to hate (for the illness), to love, him not being able to ever see grandkids he may have, all the what ifs. The cycle seems to repeat itself every day. And then to possible guilt, I found one of his pathology reports from the state the other day. Back in the spring, summer, he had an ugly open sore on his upper thigh, groin area that would not heal (he did fail to reveal this to me or his doctor until it got very ugly). After two months of antibiotics, it had not healed, and was worse. The dermatoligst finally cut it out, and sewed it up, sending tissue samples to be tested. Results came back that he may have Leishmanisis, a very rare thing for the US, unless you have traveld abroad, which he had not. The infectious disease specialist doctor ruled that out. But what we failed to provide him with, was the actual report from the pathologist state report, that I just found, listed possible histoplasmosis. I about lost it, when I read that the other night, we could have known months earlier, what was one of his major reasons for his decline, and ultimate death. I may never get over that!

Pumkin, your story makes me wonder if you are from my hometown, as I read in the newspaper of our home town some months ago, of a wife finding her husband in their driveway after dieing from a heart attack. So sorry for your loss.

So sorry for everyones loss. It is a horrible club to have to join, but thankfully there is a place like this to be able to talk with people that understand. I just so wish I was in this so many months from now, or a couple of years.

[mfh]

Dear Cindy,

I do know how tough these days are. It is shocking and leaves one just stunned. ...and exhausted and confused. Finding that medical report had to be so tough. When Bill was in his early stages, we both looked back later and knew we missed signs even though we were on the alert due to his family history of Alzheimer's. and guilt is such a common response, one I struggled with and many here struggle with.

When Bill died, our dog Bentley was actually on the bed with us and from that day on he began to regress to puppy, very young puppy, behavior...eating things like a TV remote, money, and a BIC razor. He was 6 at the time and never did that after the first year of his life. The BIC resulted in major surgery. I share this because you can do some prevention by assuring them that you are here and the new alpha. I ended up taking him to two rounds of obedience classes. Ultimately I got him registered as a therapy dog...but that first year was quite difficult for him. So just be aware that in spite of your fatigue and sadness, the dogs will need your reassurance most likely and I think giving to them will help heal you also.

Get some sleep. Take care of yourself. We are all here.

Mary

[cindylt]

Mary,

Yes it is going to take me some time to come to grips with that report I found, if ever. In talking with my Mom on the phone tonight, I told her of this, and she just let out a big sigh, and "Ohhh". Who knows if finding this out some months earlier might have helped him, but maybe it could have. And maybe if he had done something earlier about the open sore on his leg earlier, we would have had results earlier than we did. They are all what if's, but in todays world of all the crazy infections and all, one can never be to careful. It is a big lesson for me and my family and I hope for a lot of others that know our story, to be so careful, of open, non healing wounds, not feeling well, tired, losing weight, etc, and to demand more from your doctors to get the answers. I wish we had found our answer early, as who knows how long he had the Histoplasmosis, probably before even the sore on his leg appeared in the spring.

That is so sad to hear that Bentley went through so much sadness after your husbands death. I think a lot of us forget in this time how this affects our beloved furry family, but yet prior, we are so amazed by all they do, and are aware of all their antics and cuteness. They definately need to be acknowledged, reasurred and given special treatment during this mourning, after all, we treated them like our kids, prior, they need to be considered in our mourning after. I am going to give our mini schaunzer and pitt bull extra hugs tonight when they are cuddled up next to me in bed!

[kayc]

Cindy,

I am sorry to hear it...yet doctors share a good portion of that responsibility. They order the tests, don't they look at the results? In my George's case, he had been complaining of symptoms to his doctor for several months and his doctor just told him to quit smoking. Okay, that's fine, but he should have sent him to a cardiologist for testing! George had cut back his smoking 90%, for all the good it did, he died anyway. If they just would have tested him, they could have discovered he had blocked arteries and maybe they could have done something before it was too late! By the time we knew, the damage was done...and irreversible.

In the end, we don't know why our husbands had to die and prematurely at that. But it isn't our fault...we would have done anything for them. Hindsight is so much easier!

[evetoo]

My husband had similar situation 5 yrs ago from sepsis when he had gallbladder out and colon was cut. Coma, etc. learned to walk again, several operations, etc. 5 months. Many prayers went out for him and he survived and lived 5 yrs and died this Jan 25th, 2013 with cancer all through his body. Doctors say it wasn't due to botched op 5 yrs back but he never was the same after that with depression, mood swings, pains, etc. and I really think he went through so much then that he could not fight and had no resistance to fight off the cancer. He too went through many tests and it took months before they found cancer all over. It boggles my mind to understand why all the tests did not find any of it. When it hit the liver he went quickly. He was a good man and I cry every day wishing for his arms around me. I wish I had given him more hugs, been more patient, etc. He had hospice and they were wonderful. I was his caretaker and with him when he died but I still feel guilty though I know I shouldn't but just that I should have been able to do more. He was 72 as I am. I am in pieces and miss him so. It's so very difficult but let's all try to go forward as much as possible. I'm new here today and it's at least good to know that I am not crazy but have a lot of anxiety just like you all seem to.

[mfh]

Dear evetoo,

I am so sorry for your loss. The words seem so empty but all of us here know the loss of a beloved spouse and we know there are no words that really help. I am glad you found this site. People here are all at various points in their journeys through grief and they understand, do not judge and are here to listen and share. I am also 72 and I lost my husband Bill almost 3 years ago. It is a tough journey but doing it with folks here makes it a bit easier. I hope you return. Others will respond to you and you will soon get to know many of us by name and you will know our stories as we hope to know yours and support you. In the meantime, grief is exhausting and you have been a caregiver (as was I) so you came into this part of the journey exhausted. So do take care of yourself, try to eat good food, walk a bit daily. Do you have family? Are they nearby? Do you have support around you? It is difficult for those who have not lost a spouse to understand your feelings, hence the value of a group like this where all of us know. Do come back often and post. Check for other responses to your post. Peace to your heart, Mary

[evetoo]

I have family and will be getting a small apt. close to my daughter next week. We sold our house in SC a year ago to live in Texas nearer to family expecting to spend lots of time all together but it was not to be. I presently live in a 55+ apt but it is 40 miles from family so getting another 55+ apt 3 miles from daughter. The residents here are very helpful as some of them have also gone through similar situations. Also, have my wonderful Bichon dog. Thanks for support.

[cindylt]

KayC,

My husband had every test possible there was, to find out what was wrong with him, but it came too late to find out he had Histoplasmosis, as this is not an easily diagnosed thing. Yes, it was possibly there in his earlier reports, but would it have made any difference then? Not sure, as this fungal infection had probably been in him for a long time, and his body was shutting down for a long time before we even knew it, but we knew there was something wrong with him.

I did everything I could to keep him alive, believing in miracles, long after the doctors advised me not to. I do not feel guilty in keeping him alive, as he was not in pain and I got to be with him a month longer than if I had listened to the doctor advising me to sign a DNR a few days before Christmas, as he felt he should not be intubated again, too much trauma and bleeding for him. I did not get a chance to talk with my kids about the DNR order, when my husband aspirated again, in the wee hours of Dec 26. He did fine having to be intubated again, and the kids and I, my Mom and his brother had him with us for another month. I did finally have to sign that DNR order, hardest thing I have done in my life. Those that have had to do that know what I am talking about.

I find the hospital insurance billing unbelievable. Thank gooddness my husband had excellent health care coverage. Received the breakdown of charges and amounts covered from our insurance, from the first hospital he was in (the shorter stay). The hospital charged $257,562.88, our insurance only approved $29,104.46, at first when I read this, I almost went into a panic attack, but reading the hospital's bill that came the next day, the hospital waived $228,084.74!!! How can a hospital charge that amount, and then waive $228,084?? I do not get it. No wonder we have a health care crisis in the US!

[cindylt]

Evetoo,

So sorry for the lose of your husband. It is a hard place to be in, aching for the arms of our husbands around us, feeling their protection. My husband did everything for me outside of the home. After the "change" a few years ago, I began to have anxiety disorders, sometimes now they feel like full on panic attacks. The idea of having to go to town, to do things for myself really sets me off. I did make it in town today for a few quick errands, but I was a nervous wreck before, trying to get ready and get out the door. I know each time I do this it will be easier, but I have to find some ways to deal with this anxiety, and I am looking into supplements and other things.

Thank goodness for dogs! My two gave me lots of kisses last night as we were laying in bed!

Hope your new apartment closer to your daughter is too your liking and works out.

Once again, so sorry for your loss.

[cindylt]

Evetoo,

I suppose this forum works like most others, you might get better feedback if you post your story on your on thread. Glad to see you post on my thread though, thank you. If you open your own thread, I will try to find and follow it.

[Wifflesnook]

Dear Evetoo and cindylt

I'm from England and I just wanted to welcome you to this forum where I have found so many friends. My husband Pete of 50 years died last May. I have found much comfort in this site. Please post regularly and talk to us. It helps a bit. Jan

[cindylt]

Thank you Jan C. Sorry for your loss. I will try to post as much as I can, some days are better for me doing so than others, as I am sure all here know that.

Blessings to all.

[kayc]

Eve,

Again, I'm so sorry for your loss. Words are not adequate to express what we all feel here for you, for we've been there.

The hospital George was in did not waive their bill, they harassed me and were going to charge high interest on it, so that I remortgaged my previously paid off house to cover it. A few years later my girlfriend lost her husband and she just refused to pay the hospital and they paid it off. I was flabbergasted! To think that I'm in financial hardship in part due to this NEEDLESSLY?! I'm glad the hospital waived the bill for you. Yes our country is truly messed up.

I hope you will continue to come here, it's been a valuable support to us.