ShanN Posted March 3, 2013 Author Report Share Posted March 3, 2013 I'm feeling good this morning. My SIL is coming to get me (our car crapped out!) and we are going to see hubby. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted March 3, 2013 Report Share Posted March 3, 2013 Dear Shannon, I hope you have a good visit, and find Leo improved. Thank you for the photo. I hope you are feeling better today, and glad to hear your SIL is taking you for a visit to see Leo. Remember to rest, take care of yourself, and drink lots of fluids. *<twinkles>* fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted March 4, 2013 Report Share Posted March 4, 2013 Hi Shannon, I hope you had a good visit. I will check in here later to see how the day went. This note is to remind you ... Take very good care of yourself! {{{hugs}}} and Blessings, *<twinkles>* fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShanN Posted March 4, 2013 Author Report Share Posted March 4, 2013 Leo had a rough day. His blood sugars were very very low for about 4hrs. I got there and he was really not right and I had the nurse chk his sugar and sure enough it was only 41. They gave him several sugar injections into his IV. And it just was so slow to come up. But it finally did. He was just very tired and quiet and confused today. I just sat with him, I reminded him once again of our wedding anniversary in April, which he is not retaining. He let me tell our whole story of when we met and all of our times since 2000. It breaks my heart, he doesn't remember. I'm very very very very very tired. Did I mention I'm very tired? I've had a little to eat. Plenty of fluids. And I'm starting a movie on Netflix and under the covers hoping to fall asleep soon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted March 4, 2013 Report Share Posted March 4, 2013 What a lovely and sad moment you shared with Leo. I am so sorry he is so confused and unable to remember. I am so glad you had the nurse check his sugars...why had they not done that? Perhaps they need to do that every couple of hours... for both of your sakes. Just a thought... Glad you are home and tucked in. Sleep long and well. Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted March 4, 2013 Report Share Posted March 4, 2013 Dear Shannon, Thank you for letting us know about your day. I am so glad you checked in and share about your visit with Leo and how you are resting now and taking care of yourself. Enjoy the movie, is you are still watching it. Sad that the day was not a better one for you. I hope you can give orders for his blood sugar to be checked routinely, as Mary suggested. Have a restful night of deep and comfortable sleep, and awake feeling better, stronger, and calmer. You are doing really well at meeting each day with peace and love. Sleep warm, and keep drinking fluids. {{{hugs}}} *<twinkles>* fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShanN Posted March 4, 2013 Author Report Share Posted March 4, 2013 Yes, I most definitely spoke with the staff. Leo has always been able to judge and feel what his sugar readings are until recently. So yes, he will be checked every 3hrs instead of just 4 times a day. Going to bed now. Thank you all. XO Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted March 4, 2013 Report Share Posted March 4, 2013 Dear Shannon, I am glad you spoke with the staff.Leo is being cared for and you are doing a good job of being his advocate. This is a very rough time for you, and you must also take care of you, dear one. I do hope you keep up the good care for you as well. And that you are sleeping well. It is snowing here and very beautiful. Time for me to get ready to drive into town through this lovely snow. I am off to my usual morning of physical therapy. I hope you have a better day today, and that you remember to love and take care of yourself very well. *<twinkles>* fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 4, 2013 Report Share Posted March 4, 2013 George was Diabetic and so am I and my whole family so I understand how you must be feeling...he must have felt really tired and out of it with it that low! The lowest mine ever was (that I know of) was 50. Usually I have the opposite problem! I hope you were able to enjoy your movie until you fell asleep...that's almost a guarantee I'll go to sleep, just turn on the tv and I'm out! I've watched the beginnings of more things! How are you doing today? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShanN Posted March 5, 2013 Author Report Share Posted March 5, 2013 Unfortunately, I'm still struggling with anxiety stress etc... At 5:30 this morning, I went to the bathroom. I got very faint. I attempted to get back to the sofa. I fainted in kitchen. I don't know what happened between then and how I got on the floor by sofa. I'm guessing I crawled and still was blacking out. I managed to get on sofa and call SIL. It was early and my primary doc was doing his rounds so he saw me in ER. It was determined I had a vasovagal attack. Never heard of it. He explained either stress anxiety or straining to have a bowel movement (or all three) caused overstimulation of of the vagus nerve which cause a lack of oxygen to my brain... Drastically dropping my BP and heart rate. All other we're good. And by the time I got to ER my BP had risen again. I'm exhausted. Feel like I've been hit by a truck. My SIL is now staying with me. So I didn't see Leo. But he is holding his own physically. I'm off to sleep. It's only 7pm but I'm thoroughly exhausted. I have a strain in my neck on the right side from fainting. Luckily no other injury from that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted March 5, 2013 Report Share Posted March 5, 2013 Dear Shannon, What a day you have had! I am so glad you were able to reach your SIL and get to the emergency room. I think it is all right not to see Leo until you are more stable and stronger. Right now, you need to focus on your own health and getting better. I am so sorry you have had such a rough day, and I am truly glad your SIL is with you. I hope you do not read this until tomorrow, and that meanwhile, you are having a wonderful night of rest. *<twinkles>* fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 5, 2013 Report Share Posted March 5, 2013 Shannon, My goodness, never a dull moment! I am glad you are okay and hope your neck heals quickly...maybe some heat/ice alternately? I, too, am so glad for your SIL being there for you, thank heavens! Hopefully Leo slept on through and didn't worry. I hope you can rest up today! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShanN Posted March 5, 2013 Author Report Share Posted March 5, 2013 Have just stayed home today resting. Unfortunately during the night I noticed two sore spots on my head and the side of my face on the jawbone and my hip and butt bruised as well. So apparently I did hit my head when I fainted in the kitchen. But it's minor. Saw dr this morning. But I decided to just rest today. My SIL visited Leo. Just taking care of me. Surprisingly with little guilt! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 5, 2013 Report Share Posted March 5, 2013 Surprisingly with little guilt! Ahh, you've come a long ways then! So long as you don't have blurred vision, headaches, or nausea...but if you do, call the doctor right away! (bump on head) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShanN Posted March 6, 2013 Author Report Share Posted March 6, 2013 I'm good Kay, fortunately I have a hard head! LOL! Going to bed early now, my body feels pretty beat up from the fall. Going to spend the day with Leo tomorrow. Thursday we are expecting snow so I may not get there then. Night xo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 7, 2013 Report Share Posted March 7, 2013 Did you get some snow today? We're expected to get some too, I hope not too much. Am not feeling well, not feeling like shoveling snow for sure. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted March 7, 2013 Report Share Posted March 7, 2013 No new snow here, Kay. Sidewalks and streets are clear. We got hit on Tuesday...huge piles of snow sit everywhere. I know this sounds strange but I all but dread the arrival of spring as I also cherish its magnificence. It is such a vulnerable time for me....and I am pondering how I want it to be for me this year. The anniversary of Bill's death is almost a repeat of the timing of his death in 2010. He died the Saturday before Easter, was buried on Holy Saturday, and I sat at his grave again the next day- Easter-which was also my 70th birthday. This year Holy Saturday is on March 30, three days after the day he died. It is all a repeat. Easter has always been my favorite day of the year. The thoughts of resurrection, life after life, hope and the fragility of new life. Spring means everyone is out and about, busy...shedding winter....it is a time for delicate flowers and the spring green of the trees (which are in abundance here in Spring Green). I feel very vulnerable...these days...sort of like I am approaching a cliff that I can not see. Peace Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 7, 2013 Report Share Posted March 7, 2013 Mary, Maybe it would help to think of this time of year as an anv. of Bill's resurrection into his new life...one w/o pain, one w/o end. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted March 7, 2013 Report Share Posted March 7, 2013 Thank you, Kay. I really do celebrate Bill's resurrection and his freedom from the struggles and the confusion and suffering. No one was more relieved than I was to see him released...but we both know...we are left here...without them and at this point in my journey the pain of that is still raw, though easier to carry now than a year ago and definitely easier than 3 years ago. My brain is like a movie theater running films of our lives whenever I am not distracted by something else and even when I am. It is ok. It is part of the journey. I know that but knowing that does not stop the river of tears I seem to be living often these days...not constantly, mind you but this month feels different than others. I thank you for sharing your insight and I do agree with you...it is the season of his resurrection and it is also the season of my loss....those co-exist...within my spirit and being. Glad Arlie is stable...what is the date of day 30? I think we should celebrate that day!!! Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShanN Posted March 8, 2013 Author Report Share Posted March 8, 2013 Hi. This is the most difficult post I've ever written. Because Leo had yet another moderate stroke, and the result of that since yesterday when it happened and his limited movement, comprehension, and communication... I had to make the most heart wrenching decision ever. That he has declined so far, it is best that he have 24 hr care in a facility. Not at home. My heart is beyond broken. I cannot take care of him. It has gotten out of my realm of possibility. The strokes, are happening without warning. So it is going to be determined the very best facility as close to home as possible. But honestly, I feel like I have and am failing him. My vows to him were in sickness and health till death do us part. I am just at a loss right now. Mary, I read your post above... My heart breaks for you. My prayers are with you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted March 8, 2013 Report Share Posted March 8, 2013 That he has declined so far, it is best that he have 24 hr care in a facility. Not at home. My heart is beyond broken. I cannot take care of him. It has gotten out of my realm of possibility. But honestly, I feel like I have and am failing him. My vows to him were in sickness and health till death do us part. I am just at a loss right now. Mary, I read your post above... My heart breaks for you. My prayers are with you. Dear Shannon, what a difficult but wise decision you have made. You are relinquishing the primary caregiving responsibility for Leo's good. I call that taking care of him. I call that making a gigantic sacrifice so that Leo will have what he needs. It is putting your desires to care for him at home aside so Leo has what he needs and you can not provide at home. There is NO way that is failing him. It is quite the opposite. When Bill declining and was in the hospital just before I brought him home where he died 5 days later, I visiting 14 nursing facilities within an hour of our home. I did not want to place him in one but I knew that if he could not walk, I could not provide for him at home even with some help. I dreaded the day I might have to let go of the care giving role. When he was in the hospital where we were working with medications to see if we could get him mobile again, I felt I had let him down when in reality I did the best I could. So I do know a bit of how you feel. You have been a loyal spouse even when you were so sick yourself. I think you will be less tired so the times you spend together will have better quality. Leo won't be worried about you. There are a lot of pluses. I am, however, so sad to know he has had yet another stroke...I am so sorry. I thank you for your concern and kindness about me. I am doing ok...truly. This IS a rough month but I am handling it and yes tears fall off and on, memories flood my heart and mind and many are happy ones. Today I visualized him being silly, as he did often. he was so happy to be happy for the first time in his adult life...and we would just get silly together...I smile and cry at the same time. I am getting quite good at that. So thank you. My concern is for you right now. I hope you are meeting with your therapist as time and health allows so you are supported as you go through this. WE are all here for and with you. May you sleep peacefully tonight. Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShanN Posted March 8, 2013 Author Report Share Posted March 8, 2013 Thank you Mary, I think I know this decision is right, but its my heart that doesn't want to let go. We are getting a snow storm tonight, but I have Leo's case manager that will be helping me find THE BEST facility for his needs. She will be taking me to several after doing good research. I'm resting but with a heavy heart and many tears. Our anniversary is in 6 weeks along with my 40th birthday. And the anniversary of my Mom's murder is In a few weeks... I have to face things without my partner by my side. I'm trying to just breathe and relax because I need rest. It's hard to stop the heart and mind though. Oh, and yes, I have my therapist there for me daily by phone and when I can see her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted March 8, 2013 Report Share Posted March 8, 2013 My dear Shannon, I am waiting for my daughter to arrive from IL so I checked in on the forum tonight. I am so sorry that Leo is having such a ruff time. I can so understand how your heart must be broken. I cared for my beloved Jim for almost five years and I know the strain it puts on a body. You have done your best and that is all you can do. You are so young. Your love for Leo will demand that he get the best care available. Yes, your heart is broken but you have not failed in your care for him. We are here to walk this journey with you. Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShanN Posted March 10, 2013 Author Report Share Posted March 10, 2013 I came on here to write something, yet here I am still just lost. To have to accept these things about my soulmate is more than heart shattering... All that's here again tonight is tears... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted March 10, 2013 Report Share Posted March 10, 2013 Shannon, I sense you putting some pressure on yourself to be or to do. We are here for you and you do not have to have something special to write. You can just say...I need you guys or I need to just log on or whatever. We are still here and you are having a really really tough chapter. All of us on this forum have lost a spouse so we get how serious this is. You are at risk of losing your spouse and we all get that. Just get rest, check in when you can and let us know you are ok or what is going on... Peace Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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