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It Never Ends


ShanN

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Thank you Fae

It's so difficult not having my husband beside me t night. And not having my Mom to call upon. The two most important people in my life ever. I thank God for 15 yrs I had her. And I thank God for every moment with Leo... Until his last breath.

Drinking green tea, and lots of water for the bladder infection.

Gnight xo

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Shannon,

Thinking of you tonight. I know how hard it is not to have your husband present with you, oh believe me, I know. I am so sorry for all you are going through. Will the hospital be able to make arrangements for him getting switched to somewhere else when the time comes? I hope right now you are sleeping.

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Kay,

Yes, the discharge coordinator and his case manager are working with his Dr for referrals to the best placement. Of course I'm going there to "investigate" but I trust our Dr's help. Unfortunately the best one so far is about 40mins from home. But if that needs to happen, so be it. I won't settle for anything less than the best. And I'm praying in time, he will be able to come home... With much outside help of course. But that may never be best. I'm trying not to think that far ahead and just one day at a time.

I am not asleep yet but am going to put some music on and try again.

God bless you.

I feel so blessed to have everyone's support. Love and hugs.

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Oh Shannon, it's so good to hear you say all that! You are doing right, by taking it a day at a time, accepting help, and being realistic. I hope you finally got some sleep...I slept about 7 1/2 hours straight last night, it was wonderful! I was so exhausted from the past couple of weeks.

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Shannon, it sounds like you are doing a great job of taking care of yourself: naps, sleep, fluid, letting the medical people do their jobs including starting the search for a place for Leo. I also know it is very challenging and difficult and that you just want him home at your side but you are being a wise woman and doing what is best for both of you. I do understand you wanting your mom at your side also. I am sorry she can't be here in the body but I KNOW she is right next to you in spirit. That is how I picture Bill...at my right side and behind a bit. Like an angel. Take care and rest.

Kay, so glad you got a good night's sleep. The whole thing with Arlie is enough to wipe one out. I do know that from when Bentley at a BIC a couple of years ago. Frightening and you did not really have an answer until now.

I got about 8 hours last night...restless hours filled with weird dreams....so am laying low today. My trip tired me....I have to come to terms with the reality that I am aging. I have never paid much attention to it before but I feel it these days and when I get tired, I get down.

Take care,

Mary

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Don't know why the pics of Leo are upside down. Grrrr

I am with him. Will update on things tonight.

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Ps... I'm reading Tom Clancy books to him. His fave. :)

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My darling is settled into a fantastic nursing facility this evening. It's just 5 minutes from me. 5 mins from the hospital. So tonight, while it very much pains me that he is not with and may ever come home... I'm more relaxed than I have ever been (or maybe let myself be). I'm exhausted. So turning in.

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Another step forward. I am so relieved for both of you and to have it so close to both you and the hospital....awesome. Sleep peacefully. Mary

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Thanks Mary darlin...

You are in my thoughts! :)

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and you are in mine...be peaceful for a while. I know it is difficult but this is a major step forward. Mary

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Dear Shannon,

I am late checking in, but so happy to her that Leo is close by, safe, and that you are resting. It is always good to hear that things are working out better, even in small ways, than we could have imagined. Small things, but comforting. I am glad to hear that things may be settling down a bit for right now, so you can rest, heal, have some peaceful sleep and time to take care of yourself.

Blessings, dear Shannon. You are held in my heart, and in my prayers.

*<twinkles>*

fae

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Shannon, thank you for sharing those pictures with us...and that's okay, I could use a bout standing on my head. :)

I am so glad to hear Leo is settled just five min. from you and five min. from the hospital, that is fantastic! You can go visit him whenever you want! And he has emergency care close by should he need it. It's good that you feel relieved. You know, I didn't realize just how much stress I was under the year before my mom went into the Dementia Care Facility until we had her safely tucked in there. It relieved such a boatload off my mind and also my siblings' minds! Just to know they're safe and cared for, that's the thing.

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This is unbelievable but I literally slept from about midnight last night until 3:30 this afernoon!! I just visited Leo for just about 30mins is all... And am back home still exhausted. But I need to stay up a while and fight sleeping a bit to get good fluids in me for the bladder infection.

One day at a time.

:)

(Yes, that's a smile above!)

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Yes, Shannon, one step at a time....glad you stayed just a short time even though it is hard to leave. I do know. But you have to get yourself well and get energy back after that so you can be there for the long haul ahead. Glad you are doing that. Peace to your heart, Mary

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Dear Shannon,

I hope you are sleeping right now, peacefully and healthfully, letting your body heal.

And I am so glad you are drinking lots of fluids and taking care of yourself. It is a blessing to have Leo close by in a place where he is cared for and safe, so that you can get some rest and healing time for you.

Thank you so much for staying in touch here with us.

*<twinkles>* and much love and Blessings to you, dear one. You are doing a very good job of caring for you. I am so happy to hear your more peaceful report.

Much Love again, and {{{hugs}}}

*<twinkles>*

fae

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My love is having an awfully bad day all together. His cognition, his speech, his movements, his memory is very confused. His agitation is off the wall. To the point I left t 2:30 this afternoon after 4hrs with him. :(

So I'm really having a very difficult time now.

I really really want my Mother back. She would take this pain and make it lighter.

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I am so sorry, Shannon, that you and Leo are having such a painful time of it. I know how hard it is to see all this. I lived it so I can sympathize totally with you. I am glad you are taking a break...you are a wise woman. I know it is not the same, believe me, I know but your mom is with you and I believe she sees all that is happening...and is probably partially responsible for the strength you have these days. I just believe that way....and count on Bill helping me all the time...even when I misplace my keys (but then he is probably saying, "again?" but as soon as I ask....I get my answer...She IS there with you. I know you want her there in her body....and i am so sorry she can not do that. Please continue to take care of yourself.

Peace

Mary

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Shannon, I am so glad you got some rest and felt up beat even if for just a little while. I am sorry also of Leo's having a bad day. With my mom's Dementia, she has bad days (months) and it would get me down and I finally had to determine not to let her ruin my day...that works for a while and then I'll have a struggle day. But I am learning in all of this, just as I am sure you are...it's hard to keep a balance and I imagine it's all the harder with your beloved husband. I hope you put you first in all of this as you need to get well, can't have you crashing! Leo does have people taking care of him, but there's just YOU taking care of YOU! Maybe start your visit saying "I can stay two hours" and then leave in two hours and try not to let the good or bad affect you. Gosh, Hon, I know that's hard! Prayers going up for you and Leo!

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Oh, dear Shannon, I can only second all the wonderful, caring, veteran advice above. If I could change one thing, I would have taken better care of myself in those last months.

Please do as Kay suggested, and limit your visit. Leave space around those visiting hours for your own healing, for your own peace, and for your own health. Kay is so right that the only one taking care of you is you.

I think four hours is too long. Spend only time that leaves you in peace and feeling the love in your heart. When you are emotionally drained, your immune system gets weaker, too. When you feel that emotional weakness, it is past time to rest and find some peace, some comfort and compassion for yourself.

I wish I could be there to hold you hand and sit with you. I hope you have a teddy bear, or a warm and soft blanket. I hope you have someone you can talk with at least for a few minutes each day, someone who can hold your hand and be there for you. Not Leo, because you are there for him. But someone who can be there for you, just for you, right now. And if no one or no where else, please know that we hold you in our hearts, and send loving {{{hugs}}} and prayers, and walk with you in spirit as you go through this most difficult of times. Blessings, dear one. You are in my prayers.

I know it is hard to feel right now. Please feel our love flowing in to you and holding you up in our prayers.

*<twinkles>*

fae

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I stayed only an hour today. Yet I feel so guilty. He's having the worst day by far. :(

But, honestly so am I. :(

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Dear Shannon,

Dear one, this is a most hurtful and difficult time for you. I can only imagine the depths of your pain and sense of loss right now. I am so sorry. Is anyone there for you? Is there a SIL, BIL, or someone else you can contact to be with you, and also to go visit Leo, so that you are not his only visitor, because that will lighten your load a little bit. And you need that right now. This is an almost impossibly difficult time for you, with Leo being ill and all the sense of loss welling up from your heart for your mother. I am so sorry you are going through this time. Please remember that you are going "through" this time, and there will be better days ahead, no matter how far those days seem right now. You are carrying so very much pain, but I want to give you a tiny bit of hope to hold as well. {{{hugs}}}

Shannon, you stayed for a Whole Hour, A Whole Hour! Although you are weak and recovering from an infection, and need to take care of yourself at least full time. You went to give him your love and presence, and he knew you were there. He could feel your love. I am glad you took care of yourself enough to leave after an hour. If it was too much, try less time next time.

I am so glad you are home and can rest. Drink fluids. Take five deep breaths, slowly, and let your body relax. Sip some more fluids. Please be mindful of your own needs, and take care of yourself. You are going through such a difficult time right now, and you need all the love and compassion you can give to yourself. Please do as much as you can of giving to yourself.

I am holding you in my prayers and in my heart. I know everyone else here is holding you as well.

We are here.

*<twinkles>*

fae

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Oh, Shannon. I know how hard it is to leave. Bill was in the hospital towards the end of his life. It was an hour away in winter, this time of the year, and I made it there daily except for two days but sometimes due to weather I needed to be on my way back home sooner than I wanted to. It is like tearing yourself away...ripping. I am glad however that you did it as you, too, need rest. Such difficult days for you. I continue to hold you in the light. Peace, Mary

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Thank you ladies.

I didn't type his earlier because it is too hard. But he is in a "giving up almost childlike" mode. And THAT utterly breaks my heart. :(

Yes I have my therapist, my SIL and BIL.

My body is aching so bad tonight.

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Dear Shannon,

My heart is heavy with sadness for what you are going through. Know that I am with you as you move through this most difficult time. ((hugs))

Anne

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