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Can We Please Stop Now?

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Dear friends,

I went to an event tonight at my alma mater to celebrate scholarships. It was the beginning of what was supposed to be a restful and positive week that included going to a groundbreaking for a new academic building on the campus..

Then I came home to an email from a former student that one of my teaching mentors died of Parkinson's this weekend. We had taught next to each other in an open concept school and frequently exchanged comments on what he was seeing in my classes. He was a brilliant and caring man--and now he is gone.

No sooner did I post this news for my other students from that school than I got a note that another old friend I taught with at that school has been put on hospice for cancer and does not have long to live. This is in addition to the three deaths in my life since early December.

I was looking forward to posting what I was looking at for this week on the positive thread--but so much of the joy has drained out of everything that I can't bring myself to go there.

Someone once told me that Jane's illness was God's way of getting our attention. Now I feel like I am just being slapped around for some perverse demon's kicks. I'm tired of this crap--really, really tired of it.



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Oh, Harry,

I am so very sorry. I understand why you are feeling that whoever is running this game has turned malicious. I don't think Jane's illness or any of this is some perverse demon, though. Life events sometimes happen in clusters: I've lost two very dear and close co-workers and friends, my darling and beloved mother-in-law, and Doug this past 14 months.

I am with you: it is time for it to stop for a while, so that hearts can heal, breaths can be taken, and our minds can settle for a while. I hope that begins today. That would be so nice.

I am sorry your restful and positive week is not going at all the way you expected. You do not need any more bad news. I hope you can find some peace and comfort around the pain.



I should NOT try to type when I am crying, sorry about those typos.

Edited by feralfae
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Harry, I know you are asking where this all ends or will it? I am so sorry. I surely understand your response "tired of this crap." I have had a series of deaths here also...2 book club members, husband of a friend while doing a controlled burn and father of a friend last week. he lived with her here in town. For a while i wondered if it would end...a long string. I think it will not end...our friends are at a vulnerable age...as are we. I do not know if the deaths number all the folks you have lost or except for a couple of exceptions I do not think I was as close to some as you are but i am so very sorry. You are surely on overload...just too much...too much loss, death, pain, grief. Please go easy on yourself.

Peace in the midst of pain,


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Dear Harry,

I am so sorry that your positive week did not start out as you had hoped. Life is cruel. We seem to get blindsided from one pain to another. When I went on Face Book tonight I found this quote from The Grief Toolbox. It seemed to say what I'd like to say to you. Anne


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Hello Harry,

I also understand as I've had 5 passing's in the last 4 years, a close friends husband, my wife, my new Love's Father and Mother and my Grandfather, I think we all ask "Why me" and have thoughts as you at times... for me I choose to see these passing's as that we are being taught by God and yes we all have been paying undivided attention to a life we "didn't think would happen to us"...I think part of the intense grief we feel when these passing's happen is due to the fact we as a society suppress death and we do not teach, talk and prepare for this as we do many other things in our life, with that being said I think is why it is so hard for us to deal with...now teaching is by no means going to take away the loss, loneliness, missing, and just feeling empty but it may better prepare us for the healing that must take place, the adapting that must take place, and the understanding that must take place.

I read many of your posts you are truly a smart, gifted and blessed individual, the success with your projects are something to be proud of and I know you are, you are on a mission my friend in faith and if you feel as though you are "being slapped around for some perverse demon's kicks"..."KICK BACK" as you have been doing do not let this stray you from your mission...I have learned much from you over the years, I never told you but I think now is the time... your drive is an inspiration, your goals are amazing, and your heart is big and full of goodwill...slow yourself to "Harry's" pace not the world's, stay on your course these are bumps we cannot avoid as we have no control to steer clear but we can, absorb the bump if we are prepared and understand...Peace Be With You


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My heart goes out to you...too much bad news! I'm afraid that's what comes of knowing people...the more people we know and care about, the more we seem to lose. Would it help if we were all hermits? A little late for that, I guess, we already have people we care about so the risk is taken. Harry, I do hope it slows down for you soon...and Mary too!

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I'm so very sorry for all the multiple losses and so much grief and pain.

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So sorry for your loss, I know how difficult it is. That is why I am here, looking for someone to talk to who understands. I lost my husband to cancer after a long painful battle. He was only 48 and died on his 49th birthday. That was on Aug 30 , 2012. Then I lost my younger sister on Dec 18, 2012. I am having a very difficult time dealing with this. I cant go to church anymore. I would love any feedback. This is my first post and I hope I am doing it correctly.

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Welcome...I am sorry for your loss, both your husband and your sister, that is a lot. I hope you'll start a thread and tell us a little more about yourself and your husband. You have plenty of company here, we've all lost our spouses, here in this section of the forum. You say you can't go to church any more, do you want to explain further? It was hard for me to go at first because I am on the Morning Worship Team and am used to looking out over the congregation and seeing my biggest fan (husband) sitting there smiling at me...and it was hard to see the empty spot and then even worse to see someone else sitting in his spot. I have finally gotten used to it though, it's been almost eight years. My husband had just had his 51st birthday when he died, and it was unexpected.

We look forward to getting to know you and hope you will continue on this journey with us.

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Dear bjb, I am so glad that you found this site. I just know it will be comforting to you. I am so sorry for your losses. This is so difficult to lose a husband and then a sister also. It is no wonder you are having a difficult time. Anyone would. I lost my husband almost 3 years ago and can't imagine having to also deal with losing my sister a few months later. Everyone here has lost their spouse and some have had multiple losses also. We are all here to support you and listen. I would suggest you create a new topic calling it something like "I am new here" or "I just lost my husband and sister" so that everyone sees it and sees that you are new here. Sometimes things can get overlooked if a new person posts in an old topic...let us know your story and we are here to listen as you share, vent, ask questions...whatever. There are folks here like you with a really recent loss and others of us who have been here a while and so we are at all places on the journey through grief. Do post as often as you can. Sometimes i post in the middle of the night if I can't sleep or if I am having a bad day (which now does not come as often, believe it or not) so I will reach out to people I KNOW get it. Peace, Mary

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Your post really "hit home", and I found myself thinking, "Hey! I can do better than that!" Then, and almost immediately I backed off and wasn't sure I really wanted to share my rage. Now, often going to the professional medical/psych part of my brain, I remembered the therapeutic possibility of my spewing wrath.

My husband Michael, my soulmate and the Love of My Life died December 18, 2011 after giving his all to survive a botched Left Lung Transplant at a Magnet Hospital. The two weeks following his surgery was a holy nightmare, and his attending physician had the audacity to later tell me: "I know you know you have all the symptoms of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)". It has been impossible to give up the loathing I feel toward the Transplant Team Staff and the hospital-such total disregard for humanity (just one example, my husband had visible open sores in and around his mouth from his ventilator tubes that staff ignored).

My only daughter, beautiful and gorgeous wife and mother of four and exceptional Kindergarten teacher was diagnosed with oral cancer in July, 2012 (she never smoked, etc.). She had part of her tongue removed soon after and was told the the microscopic squamous cell carcinoma was small enough so that no further surgery was indicated. She continued to have trouble swallowing, tenderness in her neck and requested a second opinion that affirmed in January 2013 that a radical neck dissection was recommended. That surgery a few weeks ago revealed a large encapsulated cancerous lymph node. The surgery, due to the location resulted in some paralysis on that side of her face. She is now terrified that there is more cancer that has not yet been detected. She is hoping to return to her Kindergarteners half-time next week.

I live alone with our dog Charlie, an adorable Irish Terrier who undoubtedly played a major role in getting me out of bed every morning after Michael died. She will be eleven years old next month, and has lived with a pacemaker for the last seven years. Shortly after Michael died, in February 2012 Charlie was attacked by a vicious neighbor dog, damaging her pacemaker and requiring surgery to have a new one placed. The neighbors, both nurses were mean and lied to officers about the incident. They never assumed any responsibility, nor expressed regret for the incident or offered sympathy for the loss of my husband!

Currently Charlie is not doing well, frequently vomiting, and although I can not imagine her not being around, I will not put her through any more trauma - she is a dog, and she deserves to live a dog's life.

There are, of course, additional experiences to support my current view of life: Life is not fair - bad people get away with doing bad things and there is no recourse for good people; really good people, who really have an impact, and who really help others, die unnecessarily or get horrible diseases, deeply altering countless lives of loved ones and any one affected.

Of course my Adult ADHD is obvious-I have such difficulty giving you only "the facts." I apologize, and onetheless I don't talk to God anymore. If i do, it's to spew words like: "And you are punishing me by keeping me here to regard the pain of a husband losing his 42 y/o wife, and the four children growing up without a mother, and all those kindergarteners who love and admire their teacher, and on and on.

I absolutely believed that each of us creates our reality; that all of those pious adages, affirmed over and over would grant me strength to grow with each "lesson" I encountered; that reframing negative experiences was a virtue; and that to trust in God, to have faith would be honored.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I feel like some kind of schmuck! OK, I get it now, I was wrong! I have stopped feeling...it is just better that way. I am so f------ tired of being beat up as well. I get that I have no control over most everything that has occurred, therefore it is best to hide out, to try to be invisible, to live to avoid the next occurrence .

I do not want pity. I want to be left alone. I want to stop feeling the unimaginable pain. Life, you entrusted me with such joy, then abruptly and unjustly reclaimed it, and now you are nothing but hideous, and I am worn out.

There are indeed legions of us damaged by our grave and consequential losses. That consideration is demoralizing.


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Hello dear mrg2. I am so sorry for the loss of your husband and the illness of your daughter to cancer and for that sweet dog, Charlie, who has his problems. So much pain. You are here and with people who know and understand. This is a place where we can and do talk about what is on our minds. We do 'get it' and have good listening ears. One thing I learned from those on this site is that 'our feelings are all ok, they are just feelings.' I lost my beloved Jim last May 2012. Life stopped for me for awhile but I am slowly coming back to a reality that I shall have to live with for the rest of my life. I don't think any of us are ever prepared for that separation of a loved one. This is a caring place. Peace, Anne

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Harry I do understand how you are feeling to some degree on the feeling slapped around.

First my friend Morris, my good friend Dana's husband died unexpectedly at age 48. Then 5 months later Ann, Tom's wife died after a battle with cancer at age 60, then 4 months later my Michael died unexpectedly of a massive coronary at age 62. What all of them had in common, was that they, along with the spouses they left behind, were all involved in the Theatre Company, our local community theatre group. A small group of 35 to 40 people, and we lost 3 of us in less than 9 months. Each death shocked us, and after Mike died, it was like our friends in the theatre group were just stunned. Dana, Tom and I have become our own little support group, getting together once a month to fix a meal, watch a movie, or just talk and remember. Our theatre friends have been wonderful support for us all, even if they may not know exactly how we feel, they also felt the disbelief of the three deaths.

Mrg2, I am so very sorry for the loss of your husband, and the illness of your daughter. You have every reason to feel rage, and to just want to hit someone. I have felt that way very often. I lost a son in 1972, a sister 10 years ago, my parents, and my husband, I just sometimes want to throw up my hands and scream. It is a cliche, but for me at least, time has helped.

Bjb, You lost first your husband and then your sister. My heart goes out to you. I lost my husband a little over three years ago, and miss him so much every day. I lost my oldest sister to lung cancer on Dec. 17, 2002, almost exactly 10 years to the day that you lost your sister. Both losses so hard, and for you to experience them so close together must be agony.

Hoping for peace and strength for us all on this journey we did not chose.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

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