Why Love If You Have To Go Through This.

[evetoo]

Lost my husband just a month ago and so much grief from other times that if I get through this (I have serious heart problems), that I don't see how anyone can ever care about anyone again. I don't mean a romantic love or anything like that, but just caring about any one person that you would not want to lose. I was divorced after 14 yrs. and this time was married to my soulmate for 40 1/2 yrs and we both went through several life threatening illnesses along with my wonderful adopted son who, as an adult, found that he has muscular dystrophy. Right now I feel that I don't want to even have serious friendships with anyone as I don't see why we even meet these people when we are going to lose them anyway. I know that's life and friends are very important but right now I feel there is a limit to how much grief anyone can take.

We sold our home of 30 yrs that we both loved because of the nature all around us so we could live closer to my daughter and grands. We planned to buy a house but now I am going into an apartment that has only a few trees but a dog park for my beloved dog. I have been very busy with funeral, all the financial stuff, packing, etc. that I wonder if I am doing too much all at once. I presently live in an apt away from family and the hospice team said that it shows that I am not giving up by planning all this but would like to hear from others who moved quickly after death. My house held lots of memories and I don't know if that would have been harder to stay in and it was way in the country. I have no ties to my present apt except for the fact that my husband died here. I plan to put a little corner with his urn and photo in my new apt.

[kayc]

Love = risk, but life would be pretty flat without it. I think one of the things I've derived from my loss is trying to live in the present so as to not rob myself of the moment, which will be gone to never be recaptured, and to make the most of each moment, to enjoy it fully. That doesn't mean I don't grieve, I do, but I try to enjoy what I can...all of that can be a difficult concept for someone freshly grieving though.

You ask if you're doing too much...that's hard to answer. I found it helped me to keep busy but at the same time, you do need to take time to grieve. It'll all sort itself out though, given time.

Yes, you may miss being in the home you shared with your husband, but it sounds like there will be less requirements in an apt. and with an added bonus of nearby dog park, that's great!

40 1/2 years with someone...how very special! Your idea with the urn and photo is a great idea. I have some special things up in my place to honor my husband as well. I am sorry you are going through this...no matter how many times we encounter it, it hits afresh when we meet yet another person experiencing the hardest thing in the world. I hope this site will be a comfort and encouragement to you, and if nothing else, you will know you are not alone as you go through this journey.

[mfh]

Dear evetoo,

I am so sorry for your loss...you have lost your beloved husband and your home with all that is familiar. I know these are really difficult times and it might be tempting to give up on loving any more people. It is difficult when pain is so raw and new to think about losing yet another person and experience pain again but now is not the time to make such a decision as you know. Right now your journey is to heal and adjust to your new apartment and love that little puppy. In time you may think differently about loving relationships. I think we live in a society that is in so much denial about loss and death that when we lose someone we are shocked. My husband was struggling with Alzheimer's for several years and I was still shocked when he died. But I would do it all over again in a heart beat. Try not to make decisions about loving anyone else. It is time to love yourself and heal some. We are all here for you. We all understand and I am sure many of us have had the same feelings you have right now. Peace to your heart, Mary

[Queeniemary]

Dear Evetoo, so very sorry for your loss. You have taken a lot on yourself in these early days. Is it too much... I guess that is an individual thing. As Kay says, you must take time to grieve, and sometimes when we are so busy, we don't take the time, and then it catches up with us and knocks us over for a bit. I did not have a choice on being busy when my husband died a little over three years ago of a very unexpected massive coronary. I was in the hospital when he died, recovering from a total knee replacement. I had no choice but to let others (mainly my daughter) take care of me and other things. I am so grateful to her, she literally moved in with me for a month, made me eat, made me do therapy. I am not sure I could have made it without her. I am happy you have your dog, animals do a lot to help us heal. I have my husband's urn, along with a picture of him on my bookcase, right under a portrait of him one of my artists friends painted. Wishing for peace, and strength for you.

Mary (queeniemary) in Arkansas